Category Archives: Star Wars

I came up with a brilliant plan the other night.  It involved finally watching another movie this Friday as someone’s birthday present (long story, will explain it later), but in order to do that I felt that I really needed to get Return of the Jedi out of the way, because this is getting ridiculous.  I mean, seriously – I’ve moved this Netflix disc.  MOVED IT.  FROM ONE APARTMENT TO ANOTHER.  And paid for it six times.  WHAT THE FUCK, PATTERSON.

Anyway.  In order to get my Brilliant Plan^TM out of the way, I am going to attempt to watch Return of the Jedi tonight.  Now, there’s going to be an added layer of difficulty regarding this: the last time I watched a movie on DVD, I was at the Old Apartment (sorry for the earworm), and the Old Apartment had a DVD player and a remote.  In my New Apartment, I have a TV/DVD combination TV, and … the remote doesn’t really work.  I mean, it’ll select things on the menu, and I can turn the volume up and down, and when I’m using the cable and Jeremy the TiVo, Episode IV: A New Hope, everything’s hunky-dory.  But pausing the DVD and / or returning to the menu?  Cannot be done.  I can only pause by getting up and pausing it from the button on the TV itself.  And as for returning to the menu whilst in the middle of an episode or movie?  My TV says ‘Fuck that shit,’ which is how I watched the beginning of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang four times when it started using subtitles randomly and I couldn’t shut them off.

So … expect a lot of cussing.  I may have to name the TV (because so far, the TV is nameless.  Only the TiVo’s have been named in the past).

Before I hit play, I believe that when we last left our Intrepid Heroes, they were either dis-handed, starting up a rock band with the robots as backup, or frozen in carbonite.  Darth Vader was playing with his dolls in victorious glee, and Leia was on her way to join the white slave trade.  Does that sound right?

I was just going to ask a stupid question about what was Chewbacca doing in all of this, when I realized: duh.  He plays drums for Lando and the Droids.  Because if Lando Calrissian = Dr. Teeth, C-3P0 must = Scooter, R2D2 = Floyd, and Chewbacca = Animal.

Holy shit that is a thing that has to happen RIGHT NOW.

[play is pressed.]  I am already hating that I can’t pause.

ROLLING TRANSCRIPTION THINGY

Jesus, that music’s loud.

“Episode VI:  RETURN OF THE JEDI

Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tattoine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the cluthes of the vile gnagster Jabba the Hutt..

Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful tha the first draeaded Death satar.

When completed, this ultimate weapon wil OH SHIT I CAN’T READ ANYMORE THAT TYPE IS TOO TINY I MISSED AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT”

We see the same big battleship scene from the first Star Wars, only this time a couple of ships get shat out of it.  They’re flying out to Death Star II, and there’s this line of Storm Troopers sitting at a console, and I can’t help it — I yell out, “Look at all those Assholes!”

The guy who announces that Lord Vader’s shell — shell?  What?  — has arrived looks like a young Matt Damon.  Just me?

Lord Vader is apparently all out of lollipops, because he’s whooping that Commander’s ass all over the Death Star II.  Apparently the progress with the new Death Star is not proceeding as fast as Palpatine would like.

It’s the Droids!  Lando abandoned them?  But — that is my most favorite fantasy! C-3PO fucking knocks on this big ass-door, hoping to speak with Jabba the Hutt.  R2-D2 strolls in, and all I can think of is ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO JABBA’S HUTT.

They run into Jabba’s … lackey?  I’m sorry, I’m totally calling him the Jabba-Wocky.  Anyway, he’s the dude with the icky flesh tail that curls around the neck, and I have no idea who he is, but there’s totally a green pig man that looks like one of Maleficent’s lackeys made flesh, and anyway, they end up in Jabba’s Pleasure Palace, like he’s Hedonism-Bot from Futurama.  R2 plays his in-flight feature of Luke Skywalker offering the Droids to Jabba as collateral in exchange for a negotiation for Captain Solo, who is still a wall hanging out of carbonite.

Jabba’s Slave Leader thinks R2-D2 is a feisty one.  You don’t know the half of it, Slave Leader.  Boba Fett’s upstairs watching one of the slave girls dance.  Oh.  Er, uh, two slave girls dance.  Uh, two slave girls dance, and then one gets incinerated or eaten or something.  And then Chewbacca comes in, and Jabba wants C-3PO is asked to translate the bounty for Chewie, and the guy who somehow managed to capture Chewbacca (What is that guy, Jonathan from Buffy?  He’s like, three feet tall!  How’d he overpower Chewie?), anyway, he wants to get more money out of Jabba through the powers of persuasion found only in a thermal detonator, but he somehow capitulates.  And Lando’s hiding in plain sight, watching everything!  LANDO!  YOU NEED TO GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER!

OH WAIT I REMEMBER – the little guy who ‘overpowered’ Chewie is actually Leia in disguise, right?  Isn’t that how that worked?  Because we never see the dude’s face, and they’re wicked short.  And he unfreezes Han!  And I was totally right, it was totally Leia!  And THAT’S how she becomes the slave!  One of my questions finally answered!

Meanwhile, Han is recovering from the hibernation sickness, and he’s blind, and all I can think of is Rochester from Jane Eyre?  Luckily, he gets thrown into the same cell as Chewie, so those hetero life partners are together.

Luke walks into Jabba’s palace, and THERE’S the bikini.  Anyway, Luke wants Han and His Friends (dudes, Lando and the Droids is a WAY better name), and he’s studiously ignoring his crush just sitting there in a bit of twisted metal and half a curtain.  Jabba tosses him into the pit, which apparently holds a giant, big, drooly sand crab type thing, and Luke does the ol’ Stick a Toothpick In The Crab’s Mouth So It Can’t Eat Him trick.

Doesn’t work.  In that the toothpick gets broken like a … well, like a toothpick.  But then Luke throws a rock at the garage door opener and it closes right down onto the Sand Crab’s head, killing it.  Huzzah!  And so much for using the Force, eh, Luke?  In the confusion, Lando runs away.  LANDO?!

Team!Jabba boards a pleasure cruise out to the Pits of Despair in the middle of Tatooine.  Anyway, there’s this big fight scene where R2 totally had Luke’s lightsaber in a pocket the entire time, so he goes about slicing the entire mini-boat’s crew while Leia chokes the shit out of Jabba the Hutt.  Big fight, yada yada, and then Luke jungle-vine-swings he and Leia onto the mini-boat while the big boat blows up, and he tells Lando, “Don’t forget the droids.”

No, Lando — never forget the Droids.

[Seriously, this is my new favorite head-canon.  J.J. Abrams, I am *begging* you: I don’t care what other plots you bring up, but PLEASE: make Lando a lead guitarist with R2 and 3PO playing backup.]

Luke and R2-D2 head to the Dagobah system, to visit Yoda!  Who is totally Zoot, by the way.  Meanwhile, Emperor Palpatine lands on Death Star II — or, wherever Lord Vader happens to be.  Vader wants to find Skywalker, but Palpatine tells Vader to hold his horses, because Skywalker’s going to show up anyway, and then they’ll turn him to the Dark Side.  Because apparently Palpatine’s cookies are the best cookies?

YODA!  Still feisty.  I love that Muppet.  The only way for Luke to become a Jedi is to confront Darth Vader.  Luke wants to know if Darth Vader is his father, and Yoda very cutely tries to ignore the question.  But Luke’s having none of it, and finally Yoda confesses.  And there’s a lot of mumbling and have I mentioned my remote sucks ass so I can’t rewind to figure out what Yoda’s saying, but it doesn’t matter in the end because YOU GUYS — YODA DIES?!  NO ONE TOLD ME YODA DIES!!  LANDO NEEDS HIS SAX PLAYER!!

And then Luke has a vision of Obi-Wan Kenobi who explains the myth of Anakin.  And can I just take a moment and say that I can TOTALLY see a resemblance between Alec Guiness and Ewan McGregor?  Seriously!  That is crazy.  And one of the only good things to come out of the prequel trilogy.  Obi-Wan also points Luke in the direction of Leia being his sister.

Han, Leia, and Lando and the Droids are discussing the plan to drop down onto Endor and dismantle the shield that is protecting the Death Star II.  Han lets Lando pilot the Millennium Falcon, and he’s totally heartbroken.  Oh man.  I guess I forgot or never realized that the primary ‘ship in Star Wars is Han/Millennium Falcon?  Much like how on Firefly it’s Mal/Serenity?

OO!  That’s eerily prescient!  Because I have disc one of Firefly as my second Netflix disc!  I am like, totally awesome up in here!

“Fly casual”?  Dear Lord, Han Solo is the best.  The team manages to get past the Death Star II and lands on Endor.  And here’s where we find out how much Alaina falls under the Ewok Line Theory.

They try and sneak up on a couple of Storm Troopers, but Han has extremely large feet and tips them off.  So now Leia and Luke overtake some Hover-Jet-Skis (like Jet-Skis, but on air) and how come Disney World never made a ride out of that?  This whole thing is like the chariot race from Ben-Hur meets Marty McFly.

Luke meets up with Han and the gang, and Han almost blows a gasket when he learns that Leia’s missing.  Leia wakes up and tries to make nice with an Ewok.  And … yeah, it’s pretty cute.  Guess I’m 29!  There’s tons of whistling going on while Leia is explaining the intricacies of a hat, and I totally expect to hear the Mockingjay noise from The Hunger Games.  Rue!  But instead she gets captured by Storm Troopers.  Wait, strike that — not captured at all, because Ewoks are awesome!

Sidebar: I am ecstatic and extremely impressed that I have not needed to pause this movie.  Not once.

Vader tells Palpatine that he knows his son is on Endor.  Palpatine swirls around in his Voice judging chair and tells Vader that Luke will come to him, and then Vader can bring Luke to Palpatine.  Looks like you’ve got everything all figured out there, Great Wrinkly.

Meanwhile, back on Endor, Han is super worried because there’s no trace of Leia.  And then Chewie finds the decoy Ewok which puts them in a net trap, at which point R2 chainsaws them out, they fall, and then they get captured by Ewoks.

… Who worship C-3PO?  Oh jeebus, that won’t end well, will it?

Baby Ewok!  And also, they’re going to eat Han Solo.  Ha ha.

Oh my God, 3PO’s such an ass.  How did he get so far without realizing when to shut up and do what Luke says?  Jesus H., dude!

Also, with her hair down, Leia looks the spitting image of a woodland princess.  I don’t like it.  She needs to be more kickass.

That night, 3PO gets the audience caught up with The Story Thus Far, only this time, it’s in Ewok.  Luke sneaks out of the group hug atmosphere, and Leia follows him.  After some jibberish about the Force, Luke tells Leia that he’s going to go up against Vader, and oh yeah, she’s his sister.  They share what appears to be a sibling-esque kiss and then Luke runs off to find Vader, just as Han comes out and rears his jealous but wonderfully-tousled head.

Luke walks right into Vader’s clutches, and he is determined to find the ‘good’ in what used to be Anakin Skywalker.  And there’s a very funny moment where Darth Vader literally shakes his fist at Luke when he tells him to never speak Anakin’s name.

Oh no … it’s 2:45 a.m., and I’m falling asleep, and there are still 40 minutes remaining.  Oh shit.

THERE IT IS — THE ADMIRAL ACKBAR “IT’S A TRAP”!  Totally just woke up for that.  The Emperor makes Luke watch the reaming of General Calrissian, and keeps taunting Luke into turning to the dark side.

Okay … I tried really, really hard to stay awake, and look, unlike when I watched Phantom Menace, this is not the fault of shoddy writing and directing.  This is a direct result of me being tired, and it being 3 a.m.  I actually saved this post, and then kept watching, expecting to wake up in the … er, later today and find the scene where I was and take over from there, but something funny happened and I wanted to write it down because I know I’d forget.  And now I’m awake again.  I’m going to finish it!

So anyway, Luke is trying really really extra hard to not be overtaken by the Dark Side, and when he’s fighting Vader he kinda somersaults up to the catwalk above him, and he is relentless at calling Vader “Father” in an effort to try and return Anakin to the Good Side, and all I can think in my head is Vader being really pissed at him and going, “Get DOWN from there, you little shit!”

Oh, and also: I paused once.  That’s a pretty damn good record if I do say so my damned self.

Han Solo plays a funny trick on the Assholes at the Shield Station, manages to lure them out and into a trap, and meanwhile, Vader riles Luke up about potentially turning Leia into a Dark Side Magnet that Luke goes apeshit and CUTS OFF VADER’S HAND, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOU AND HANDS, LUCAS?!

Oh hey — Luke Skywalker?  George … Lucas?  There’s no way I’m the first person to get that, right?

The Emperor tries to kill Luke when he won’t join the Dark Side with the power of electricity.  And Vader looks on, comfused.

And what happened then?  Well, in Endor they say, that Lord Vader’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  Because he picks up the Emperor with his one good hand and tosses him off the starship, saving his son.

As the ship goes down, Lucas does his first horrible thing in the series and turns Darth Vader into a scrawny white dude with no hair.  Because he fell into a pit of lava and managed to survive.

As the remnants of the Death Star II explode across the sky, Leia finally tells Han that she is Luke’s sister, meaning all the “I love you’s” and “I know’s” are really and truly for Han.

That night, the Ewoks fulfill their destiny of burning a human, as Luke sends Anakin’s spirit to the sky.  Or something equally poetic.  I dunno.  Tired, you guys.  After Luke’s Funeral for One, there’s a lot of dancing with the annoying Ewok song (sorry, that is annoying.  The Ewoks themselves are kind of cute, but this song … oy).  Luke says goodbye to Obi-Wan, Yoda, and the First Anakin Skywalker, because I’m watching the original version on the bonus disc of the latest special edition that came out, so I don’t have to deal with any stupid-ass hologram of an older Hayden Christianson, because NO ONE should have to see that.

HEY YOU GUYS I TOTALLY FINISHED STAR WARS

Does this mean I can watch this and not be ironic about it anymore?

Here are my big takeaways from this endeavor:

1)      Dear George Lucas.  These movies were WAY BETTER when you limited yourself to helping out with the script and directing here and there.  Lawrence Kasdan was your friend.  Episodes IV, V, and VI were a frillion times better than I, II, and III, and that’s because you weren’t the one solely responsible for the final product.  Look, dude, you are not the Coen Brothers.  Let other people take — oh, wait, you are.  Cool.

2)      Dear J.J. Abrams.  Don’t lose sight of the endgame halfway through Episode VII, okay?  I have been with you since Alias, and what tends to happen with you is you have a great start to something, but your follow-through has been lacking.  (Because yes, I am still pissed at you for Lauren Reed.  Who isn’t?  NO ONE.  THAT’S WHO.  LAUREN REED WAS AWFUL.)  Keep on track, and maybe Episode VII won’t suck.

3)      I do not have any idea who would win in a fight, Han Solo or Indiana Jones.  Both bring guns to knife fights.  Both have snarky rejoinders.  One has a whip; the other has a Wookiee.  I don’t know; that is way too close to call for me.

4)      Leia, however, would kick Marion Ravenwood’s ass.  And I say that as someone who still wants to be Marion Ravenwood when I grow up.

5)      I think what I need to do at some point is just sit and have a Trilogy Time of my own.  Now that I’ve watched them once (and have crossed them off my list!), I just need to power through all three as one big storytelling endeavor.

So.  That’s done.  Tune in Saturday morning (because I’m not going to get started until at least 10 p.m.) for when I give my friend possibly one of the greatest birthday presents I could ever think to give him: crossing his favorite movie off my list.

It strikes me that I’ve had Return of the Jedi out from Netflix for at least since July.  I have paid for this disc enough times to own the Blu-Ray special edition of all six movies.  And yeah, I’ve been busy, but did I really need to watch and blog Marked Woman, a movie that literally no one has teased me about never having seen?

So let’s get back to basics and actually start knocking some titles off of that list of mine.

Okay.  So, when we last left our intrepid heroes, Leia, Luke, Lando and the Droids (hey, has anyone named a band that?  “Lando and the Droids?”  I CALL DIBS) are flying away from Cloud CIty, defeated (and in Luke’s case, less one hand as well.)  Han Solo has been frozen in Carbonite, after telling Leia that he knows she loves her (which, for those following along, is the Star Wars equivalent of Wesley telling Buttercup “As you wish”).  Darth Vader is temporarily victorious.  And Yoda is still on Dagobah, raising hell because Yoda is the man.

From what pop culture has taught me, Jedi returns and the team is slightly disbanded, but all still working towards the same goal.  Luke has a fancy new mechanical hand, and has returned to Dagobah to continue studying under Yoda, newly determined (and less whiny?) in his quest to become a Jedi.

Leia has slaved herself to Jabba the Hut in an effort to get closer to Han.  I want to think Lando shows up and together they de-carbonite him and escape.  Or possibly kill Jabba in the process.  Either way, that slave bikini inspired so many men’s fantasies, that if I didn’t mention it here I wouldn’t be doing my pop culture gluttonny any favors.

Darth Vader is building another Death Star, and this time, it’s without that pesky tunnel to that hole where the lasers are shot at.  Lesson learned!  Instead, the key to destroying it is located somewhere on Endor, a fun little planet inhabited by Ewoks.

And here’s where I get to the Ewok Line, and my slightl moment of doubt about this movie.

See, I am a huge fan of How I Met Your Mother.  I have seen every episode at least twice through season 6, and now that season 7 is on Netflix, I’ll breeze through that in about a week.  Star Wars plays a big part in the HIMYM part of pop culture.  After Ted proposes to Stella and he realizes she’s never seen Star Wars, he makes her watch it.  She does, and she claims it’s her new favorite movie, but when Marshall corners her, she says that it’s stupid.  “And everyone could understand the bear?”  “WOOKIEE.”  “They were all like, “That’s a great idea, Bear, let’s do that!'”

The three male characters – Ted, Barney, and Marshall – enjoy “Trilogy Time,” where every three years, they get together to watch the original trilogy.  Barney has a life-size Storm Trooper armor in his living room.  And Barney has created something known as the Ewok Line.

The Ewok Line is May 25, 1977 – the day Star Wars was released in theatres.  Women born before May 25, 1977 were at least nine years old when Return of the Jedi was released, and therefore too old to be charmed by the cuddly Ewoks.  Those born after the Ewok Line loved them, because the Ewoks reminded them of their teddy bears.

Yeah, not the soundest logic, but — it’s How I Met Your Mother.  They’ve been on a downward slide for three years now.

So anyway – the catalyst for the Ewok Line was that Barney’s girlfriend at the time, Nora, hated the Ewoks, but she claimed to be 29.  By Ewok Line Logic, that made Nora 37 instead.  But Nora then reveals that she only saw the Star Wars films for the first time that year, thereby bypassing the Ewok Line Continuum.  Or something like that.

I can only imagine that, if they are annoying, they are less so than Jar-Jar Binks.

ANYWAY.  The team – Luke, Leia, Han, Lando and the Droids (OH THAT IS SO A THING NOW) show up on Endor to protect the Ewoks and eventually not only destroy the second Death Star, but Darth Vader finally takes off his helmet and dies in front of Luke.  They burn him ceremonially and have a good ol’ fashioned funeral where everyone celebrates, and a shooting star goes across the sky or something and the Ewoks dance and Alaina can move on to other things.

I mean, honestly – I should really watch Pulp Fiction.

Today is Independence Day: the day when, 236 years ago, our forefathers signed a Declaration of Independence from their evil overlords, the English.  I thought it appropriate and, also, slightly ironic to choose this night as the night I watch the tale of another rebellion.  Sadly, their tale ends (temporarily) in defeat, doled out by the hands of an evil lord.

[Hands — because one gets cut off!  Right?  Guys?]

One more thing before I hit play: Empire magazine, way back in 2008, said that this was the Third Best Movie of All Time, behind The Godfather as number one, and Raiders of the Lost Ark as number two.  That is pretty steep for me – I LOVE Raiders of the Lost Ark.  So much so, I almost want to make business cards that proclaim me to be an Obtainer of Rare Antiquities.  Because how awesome would that be?

Okay – now I’ll push play.  Right after I pour a gin and tonic.  (What?  It’s the Fourth of July and I don’t like beer.)

Okay, I get why Star Wars began with “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away …”, but shouldn’t Empire begin “A long time ago {but not as long as the last movie}” yada yada?  No?  Am I being too picky?  Okay, fine, I’ll shut up.

ROLLING CREDIT THINGY TRANSCRIPTION!:
[Wow, my TV is super loud.] 

Episode V
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
It is a dark time for the Rebellion.  Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Revel forces from their hidden base and purused thema cross the galaxy.

Eveading the dreaded Imperaial starfeleed, awoijfaerawgokjwerg;lkj GIVE UP PATTERSON

Apparently, the Rebel Base is located on Hoth [but where’s the Revel Base?  Can I go to there?], and Darth Vader has sent a shitload of probes into the galaxy to find Luke, in order to punish him for blowing up his Death Star. 

Hey it’s Luke!  And he’s riding — yes, I know it’s a Tauntaun, but can I just play dumb for another thirty seconds and make a Huge Kangaroo joke?

NEVER MIND BETTER JOKES AHEAD so Luke’s talking to his best friend Han on their super-cool wrist communicators, and Luke’s Tauntaun rears its head, and Luke asks it if it smelled something, and I was about to make a “He who smelt it dealt it” joke when LUKE GETS SIDESWIPED BY A FUCKING YETI

Note to self: Tauntauns can smell Yetis, but apparently not hear their approach or warn anyone about the Yeti’s proximity to its rider.  Good to know.  Meanwhile, the Yeti has knocked Luke unconscious and is dragging him away to somewhere.

Han returns to the rebel base and is calling for his other best friend, Chewie.  Han is deserting the rebels because Boba Fett is still looking for him to collect the debt he owes to Jabba the Hut.  As he’s saying his goodbyes, he gets pissed at Leia for not making a bigger scene, and dares her to tell him to stay for her, and not for the rebel alliance.  Hm…

My hmm stems from: that’s not how a typical hero acts towards his woman.  I mean — oh man, I’m not going to explain this right, am I?  Look, guys?  Pardon me while I try and work out some feels over here.  Han Solo is the typical, brutish, strong hero – witty, quick on his feet, battle-weary yet still battle-ready.  Good at his job (best pilot in this ‘verse, at least).  And he’s telling Leia that he knows how she feels and he wants her to admit it.  Why?  Does Han reciprocate the feelings, and wants to know he won’t be rejected first (which, in itself betrays some vulnerability in Han)?  Does he suspect but isn’t sure?  Or, much like Paul Varjak did in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, is he trying to show Leia how oblivious she is to the love he has for her?  I — I have seen too many movies, yet not enough, that I am pleasantly surprised at this characterization.

It also makes me wonder what the hell happened to George Lucas in the interim.  Because seriously, ten minutes into this movie and I’m waxing philosophical on it, whereas Phantom Menace had me napping during the Pod race.  Twice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I’m sorry, I’m sorry — I’m a horrible person.  Luke’s strapped to the ceiling, and he’s doing his Jedi Mind Trick to grab his lightsabre,, and ALL I CAN SEE IN MY HEAD is Silent Bob, using his own version of the Jedi Mind Trick to get the videotape of Shannon and Trish.  I knew what the Mallrats scene was referencing all these years, but even so — it took me by surprise. 

I really feel the need to watch Mallrats now.

Was that the Yeti’s right hand?  Jeez, George Lucas — or should I call you Freddie Foreshadowing?  But seriously, do you have some mental block when it comes to always wanting to cut peoples’ right arms off?

Okay wow – nothing to snark at, nothing to joke about.  This is totally engrossing me.  So I’m at the part where Han is getting Leia and Chewie and 3P0 out on the Falcon — so yeah, I’ve skipped a lot, but again, not too much to talk about, which is good — but here’s my question: why are the Storm Troopers wearing those cape thingies?  Because you know what they look like?  Klan members.  And that’s not a good look for anyone, even idiots that can’t hit the side of a barn with their blasters.

And then Han goes through the asteroid field and tells C-3P0 to never tell him the odds, and now Luke is crash-landing on Dagobah. 

Yoda’s a little hellraiser, ain’t he?  I kinda like this Yoda.  The Prequel!Yoda was way too stuffy.

I am like Princess Leia in that I, too, need more scoundrels in my life.

Dear Ben Kenobi: I have watched the prequels.  And, granted, I did not see you in your training period.  But when the fuck were you ever reckless?  I mean, sure, you broke with the Jedi to go and rescue Amidala or whatever happened in Attack of the Clones, but — you were the one always reining Ani back from the brink.  You calling yourself reckless is not a good selling point for me.

And look, that’s not a knock to Obi Wan’s character – that’s a knock on George Lucas’s shitty writing.

Holy shit the cave was a sandworm?  [That’s a very stupid sentence I just wrote.]

Okay, COOLEST THING EVER — Luke just fuckin lightsaber’d Darth Vader’s head off in his Dagobah hallucination fight scene, and at the same time in REAL LIFE, a crack of heat lightening (or, now that I hear the thunder, real lightening) shot through the sky.  It was AWESOME and I swear I am NOT MAKING THAT UP.

Now, is this the part where Yoda says that he has done the impossible, and that makes him mighty?  Because that would be awesome.

[Forty minutes of awesomeness later]
I think that says it all.  All the jokes, references — a lot of literature, to be honest — they all make sense now.  I was pleased that I was aware of 90% of the story before actually watching it, which only goes to prove my theory that I don’t actually have to watch any of these movies — that the plots and references are imprinted in my brain, like some cultural brain sludge, and we all know all of this and it’s only when we watch the source material do they resonate. 

Honestly, I kind of wish that I had sent back A New Hope sooner, because that would mean I could watch Return of the Jedi later.  But in a way, it’s good that I have to wait.  For one thing, I’m almost falling asleep while typing these paragraphs, and I never did finish my gin and tonic.

Grade for The Empire Strikes Back: Awesome.

Sarah has blessedly given me permission to take a break from watching bad movies for a while.  In addition, the Roommate and I are going to stop playing Netflix Roulette.  The last time we played (after the atrocity that was Two Girls, a Guy, and an Abortion Hotel Room), we landed on something called Across the Moon, a movie starring Christina Applegate and some other person, plus Peter Berg.  We ended up breaking the rules of Netflix Roulette to go out and buy a copy of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead instead, but I’m going to save the plot summary, because I have a feeling I’m going to come back to it after I watch a few “good” movies.  When you see the plot summary, you’ll understand why I wrote down the name of the movie for later.

I wish I could say this is my actual watch of The Empire Strikes Back, but honestly, I wanted to write down my version of events because I think after I watch the movie, I’ll be both amused and horrified.  And while it may not be the next next thing I watch, I can say it will be at least within the next five.  (I have ten movies stored on Jeremy the TiVo at this moment.  I’m watching The Big Sleep right now, but since I’ve already seen that one and this is a rewatch, I technically don’t have to review it.  Short and sweet: I liked it, I sought it out to watch it again, but the book is better.) 

And so, I’m typing up this prewatch edition while listening to Bogey and Bacall bicker about what to do with Bacall’s younger sister and what, exactly happened to Rusty Regan.

I fully admit that I have not seen all of The Empire Strikes Back; I am missing not only key scenes, but entire thirds of the plot.  There are holes in my interpretation of the plot big enough for an AT-AT walker to stroll through.  It won’t be pretty, and I’m sure I’m going to make some of my dear friends’ heads explode.  For that, I’m sorry.  But hey, if you find yourself laughing sadly, at least you’re laughing?

Once more: these versions of the plot?  I don’t look anything up on Wikipedia, or imdb. beforehand.  These are the thoughts that come directly from my mind, and again, feel free to either laugh or cry; I don’t care.

I assume the plot picks up after the end of A New Hope.  I also assume that the team of Luke, Leia and Han have split up in order to best attack the Empire.  Leia is running the show from some planet, while Luke and Han are hanging around on THE REBEL BASE IS ON HOTH I just remembered!  Maybe they’re all on Hoth, and Luke and Han are working on maneuvers or something.  There are AT-AT walkers, those big tall things that look like camels without humps but made of metal. 

And then there’s a battle, with TIE-fighters blowing shit up and stuff, and somehow Luke and Han get separated from the rest of the army and have to sleep inside the belly of a dead Taunton in order to stay alive.   

At some point, I think Luke ends up in Dagobah (I spelled that right, didn’t I?  I checked my Star Wars Monopoly board) and starts his Jedi training with Yoda.  Is it after his spaceship crashes?  I seem to remember him being fished out of a swamp.  I hope this isn’t Return of the Jedi I’m misremembering.  Anyway, I believe it is in this movie that Yoda instructs young Master Skywalker: “Do or Do Not.  There is no Try.”

Oh shit, here comes some geek baggage I forgot about.  HERE’S THE THING.  I have never seen that scene.  I may have heard sound clips of the line, or hey, maybe (in complete contradictory fashion), I have seen that scene online or in other media, or WHATEVER.  I KNOW HOW THE LINE GOES, and it goes “Do or Do Not; there is no Try.” 

Dear Former District Manager at my Former Place of Employment: THE LINE ISN’T “DO; THERE IS NO TRY.”  IF YOU’RE GOING TO QUOTE YODA, QUOTE HIM CORRECTLY YOU MUST.  Knowing geek lines backwards and forwards, regardless of actually having seen said scenes, is something that is bred in geeks.  We wear our knowledge of pop culture and transcendent lines of dialogue like badges of honor.  Some of us have more Star Wars badges; some of us wear the Whedon badges with pride.  If you get the quote wrong, you will be outed as a pretend nerd from here to eternity.

Another thing about geeks: geeks never forget.  Hence, me still being offended by something that happened more than six months ago.

ANYWAY.  Somehow Lando Calrissian gets involved — I believe he’s a former friend of Han, and Han doesn’t want anything to do with him, and also, he’s working for the Empire?  It’s in this movie that Leia calls Han a scruffy nerf herder, and also, Chewie was there.

Meanwhile, Boba Fett is a bounty hunter put on Han’s trail by Jabba the Hut, the portly icky person mentioned by Greedo in A New Hope.  Han, the wonderful smuggler, apparently dumped some precious cargo and Jabba demands satisfaction.  So there’s this whole thing where Boba is working for Darth Vader in order to a) capture Han to collect his bounty, and also b) to help cripple the Rebel Alliance.

In the end (Yeah, I’m missing things; congratulations, you got me, I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE), Han gets frozen in carbonite after the following heartfelt exchange:
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.

Luke is fighting Darth Vader in the new Death Star or something, and they’re on the balcony, and then Darth has this awesome move which causes Luke to fall off the balcony and grab onto the support pole or whatever, and Darth Vader asks him what Obi Wan Kenobi told him about his father, and Luke says that Vader killed his father, at which point Darth intones the fateful line, “No, Luke; I am your father.”  But I think the line isn’t actually “Luke, I am your father” but some other maneuvering of the words.  And then Darth Vader cuts off Luke’s hand and runs away to fight again another day.

And speaking of running away to fight another day, Luke reconnoiters with Leia and C-3P0 and R2-D2 and now Lando Calrissian is on their side, and Luke’s getting a new robotic arm put on and he tells Leia that he’s her brother and she’s his sister and they both remember the romantic kiss they shared before they realized they were siblings and agree to never talk about that again, and they vow to band together to rescue Han and cripple the Empire once and for all.

In pop culture news, I know that The Empire Strikes Back set the tone for trilogies to come.  It is now standard operating procedure that the second movie in a trilogy is going to be the darkest.  Look at the statistics: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  Okay, Indy may not be as defeated as the Rebel Alliance at the end of Empire, but I think we can all agree that it was the worst movie in the series (until Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came along, and frankly, I choose to believe that that doesn’t exist). 

Back to the Future, Part II. Talk about the darkest timeline.  Marty and the Doc go into the future to save Marty’s future family, only Marty finds a sports almanac that he wants to bring back to 1985.  Old Biff overhears and then steals the time machine to go back to 1955 Biff to set him up for life with that same almanac.  When Marty and Doc return to 1985, it’s not the same 1985; it’s a dark timeline where Biff runs everything and — it’s like a less violent version of the town that the Hobo With a Shotgun was from.  (Resolved: The Drake is 1985-B Biff Tannen, but with more bloodlust.  DISCUSS.)  And then, once Marty has managed to go back to 1955 and fix both timelines, Doc disappears, leaving him stranded in 1955.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest!  It ends with Jack Sparrow being swallowed by the Kraaken, and the team (THE REBEL ALLIANCE) all sad at the fact that he’s gone, and then Barbossa comes out of FUCKING NOWHERE and says he has a way to win the fight against … the dude who ruins Norrington.  That dude.  I want to call him Evil!Coulson, but I know that’s not right.  Oh shit, what’s his name? 

HOLY SHIT I’M TOTALLY GOING TO WRITE AN ESSAY WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER ABOUT HOW THE PIRATES MOVIES IS JUST STAR WARS ON THE HIGH SEAS because the more I think about it, the more it makes sense!

Leonard, we’re going to be rich.

There was something else I was going to talk about here, but I’ll be damned if I can remember it now.  Somehow I was going to loop in a discussion about Don Draper and Joan Harris into some form of comparison with Han Solo and Leia, but apparently, the thread of that conversation has been lost over the past two weeks, so … if there was going to be an amazing insight about that, I apologize, for it is lost forever.

So there’s that.  At some point in the near future, I’ll watch what is supposedly one of the top ten movies of all time, according to a number of lists I’ve read on the subject.  But I also have nearly a dozen old movies I’ve taped off of TCM to watch, and if the looks I’ve been given by my Roommate over the past couple of days are any indication, I may have to go through a couple of rounds of Insomniac Theatre before I can watch the greatest sequel ever.

And here we go.

Although, I haven’t even gotten to the menu and I’m already pissed at George Lucas.  I was so happy to see that Netflix had the Original Theatrical Version available for rental.  Oh, right, that was a point I was going to make!

So I had dinner with my sister tonight, and she mentioned that she thought that I had watched Star Wars by now.  I told her that that was my plan for after dinner – to go home and watch A New Hope.

Missy: Did I ever tell you what Dad said when I told him you’d never seen Star Wars?
Alaina: No — what’d he say?
Missy: He said that I was lying.  And I was like, “No, Dad — Alaina’s never seen Star Wars.”  And then there was this pause, and then he said: “But — she lived here.  In this house.  With me.  How did she never see Star Wars?”
Alaina: But I have seen it!  Just —
Missy: Not in chronological order or in one sitting, yeah, we know.  But the point is, why have you waited so long to watch it?

Well — because around the time I thought to myself, “Hey, I should probably sit down and watch this at some point,” at the same time, George Lucas was going in and fucking things up.  And while I may not have seen the majority of the movies, there were two things I did know: that Han shot first, and that Jabba the Hut was not in A New Hope.

So I didn’t go see them in theatres when they were re-released, because they were wrong.  And I didn’t buy them on DVD because, again, they were wrong.  And everywhere I looked, all I could find were the fucked-up versions.  (Nowhere — and by no one– did I hear that the additions made the movies better.)  And if my only option to watch the original trilogy was to dig through the shit in the attic to try and find the VHS copies that my dad … uh, “bought legally through a PBS pledge drive,” knowing that his copy of The Empire Strikes Back was nearly falling apart as it was, if I could even find them?  I decided to wait.

Which is why I was ecstatic when I learned that Netflix had the Original Theatrical Releases available on DVD!  That would make my life so much easier!  I could watch the original movie, be able to confer with friends who may have seen Star Wars in the theater when they were younger and be able to truly share that experience with them, and not be the idiot going around saying, “Wait — I thought Greedo shot first?”

So why am I pissed now?  Because when I opened the special red envelope tonight, I learned that the Original Theatrical Release was actually the “Bonus Disc” in some set that was released recently.  Seriously, George Lucas?  Go fuck yourself.

Also, before I (finally) push play: I am going to try as hard as I can to not mock this movie.  Hopefully, this entry will have less vitriol and confusion as some of my other ramblings.  I really, really hope I like it.  But we’ll see.

10:19 p.m., in an apartment in Maine
Alaina pushes play and embarks on an epic journey of geekdom discovery.

It is a period of civil war.  Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy …

RIGHT!  THAT’S why Darth Vader captured Leia in the first place!  It was the blueprints to the Death Star that she stole during battle!  Dammit – I can’t believe I forgot that…

Yeah, big ol’ spaceship.  Glad to see I wasn’t making that up.  And if that doesn’t look like a shark chasing a guppy in an ocean, I don’t know what does.

C-3P0!  And R2-D2!  And actual humans playing actual humans!  Damn, I forgot what real movies looked like without all the special effects.  I mean, yeah, sure, green screen is awesome and way cost-effective, but to quote one of the heroes in this very movie, “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”

Hm.  I think my metaphor got lost in there somewhere.  Oh well.  Oh hai, Anakin!

Already this movie is tons better than Phantom Menace.  HE SHOT THE PRINCESS!

Here’s a question that I have, now that I have seen the prequels: did the memory wipe of C-3P0 that Senator Jimmy Smits ordered make him prissier?  Because you know what?  I like this C-3P0 way better than the other one.

This is where the Jawas get him, right?  The Jawas?  That’s what they are, right?  Yeah, here’s the ambush where Luke finds R2 and somehow C-3P0 gets back here, and then they watch the video of “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Okay, seriously?  I kind of love R2-D2.  And the scene where he gets captured by the Jawas is really cute.  I especially like the scream that the robot emits when he gets stunned.  Because robots can’t scream!  

Wait — what?   Okay, funniest scene so far — the Storm Trooper poking his head up into the frame, holding a metal ring and saying, “Look, sir — droids!”  That was so random — I mean, HOW CAN HE TELL IT WAS DROIDS?  Does the ring have the word “DROID” etched in it?  How does he know it’s not debris from the crash site?  Is he the Storm Trooper who rode the short bus to school?

Luke!!  Yay! 

Oh shit — oh right!  That’s right!  I’m sorry, I totally flaked out for a second.  Uncle Owen smarmed up to C-3P0 and said that he’s probably been programmed as an etiquette and protocol droid, and it took me about a minute to remember the joke I had written in an unpublished pilot where I compared a character to C-3P0 being a protocol droid!  Damn — I completely forgot about that joke!  I really need to rewrite that pilot.

Wow, Luke’s kind of whiny at first, isn’t he?  “But I wanted to go to Toby’s garage and play with power converters!”  Yikes.

It’s weird — this version of C-3P0?  I’m not sure what it is, if it’s the cadence of his accent, the prissiness of his manner, or just the uptight Britishness of him, but — I’m getting a very Giles vibe from him.  What did I say — Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my Star Wars.

Luke: Who’s she?  She’s beautiful.
Alaina: SHE’S YOUR SISTER

Ol’ Ben Kenobi!  See?  I knew that! 

Wait, are those things the Jawas?  Or are they just the Sand People?  Are they the same thing?  I know they’re not Ewoks.  Ewoks are cute.

Holy shit … that is some class-A fighting.  Way more realistic than anything I saw in Attack of the Clones.  And look at Luke play dead!  Very effective tactic.  Oh, he’s not playing, he’s unconscious?  My bad.

I’m sorry – I said I wouldn’t mock.  I don’t think I’m mocking.  I’m trying not to. 

Ben!  Obi-Wan!  Uh, Ben?  You were Obi-Wan up until Luke was born.  I’m not mocking this movie, by the way — I’m mocking the prequels for having shoddy continuity.  Did Lucas not go back and watch A New Hope before writing Revenge of the Sith?

Duct tape is like The Force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Obi-Wan, are you getting too old for this shit?  But, much like Murtaugh, you keep getting up and doing more shit.  Good on you, Obi-Wan.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”  I know that line!

I was right!  They were Jawas!  I can tell them apart from Sand People!  Wait, he’s just going to leave them there?  I mean, it’s heartbreaking to see the farm burnt to the ground, but — he’s going to have to go all the way back for 3P0 and R2 and Obi-Wan now, right?

DARK HELMET and “Nobody knows…. the trouble I’ve seen … nobody knows … but Jesus…”  Oh, man — I totally need to watch Spaceballs at some point.

Now we get to meet Han Solo?  We can has Han Solo now?  (Sue me — I like Han Solo.)  And wow, this scene also looks like Cairo in Raiders.  Marion!!

Chewie!  Is that a werewolf?  Nice!  You go, Obi-Wan!

NICE.  Han Solo is the man!  In other news, I’m going to have to work in the phrase “Sorry about the mess” into more conversations.  Y’know, after I go vigilante on their asses.

“Besides, I know a few maneuvers.”  That’s another line I’ve got to say more often.  Hopefully, followed by a wink and a saucy smile.

HOLY SHIT THEY JUST BLEW UP ALDERAAN

“I feel a great disturbance in the Force.  As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and suddenly silenced.”  Poor Obi-Wan.  Poor Alderaan.  Alderaanians?  Alderaaniuns?

Sorry.  I was too busy watching the movie to talk about it.  That’s a good sign.  Luke and Han have broken into the Death Star and are rescuing Leia.  Hooray!

I think I figured out another reason why I detested the prequels so much: everything was so pristine.  Between the green screen backgrounds, the crappy dialogue, and the digital effects, there was no dirt, or grease, or gunpowder or anything else.  The grit and disgusting aspects of a war weren’t there – they were Photoshopped out.  It’s like George Lucas became a germophobe in the intermittent twenty years and directed the prequels from inside a hyperbaric bubble.

See?  That happy laughter at not being compacted into trash?  THAT was what was missing from the prequels!  No one rejoiced, no one was happy!  Everything was “all in a day’s work” for Obi-Wan and Amidala that I don’t think anyone even smiled at all.  I should have taken a shot for every smile that happened.  I didn’t think about it at the time.

Because, seriously – this movie is so much happier than the prequels, I can barely stand it.

HOLY SHIT LUKE HAS A BATARANG

Oh.  There goes my happiness.  Rest in Peace, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

(Wait – at this point in writing the movie, Darth was Darth Vader’s first name?  So, George Lucas decided later to make it a title, not a name?  Fuck you, George Lucas.)

Okay, again, sorry.  It’s a good sign when I’m not talking about the movie.

And in the end, R2 was okay too!

 

I HAVE NOW SEEN STAR WARS.

Grade for Star Wars: A New Hope: Duh-doi: AWESOME.

Before I begin, I just have to extend thanks to a dear friend. 

Sarah: I know these movies have had a large impact on you.  The only comparison I can rightly make, in my mind, is that Star Wars is to you as Buffy the Vampire Slayer is to me.  In fact, I can loop the two together and say that, in my mind, your love of Star Wars is akin to Spike’s greeting to Angel in “School Hard”: “You were my sire, man!  You were my … my Yoda!”  That if they were to ever betray you, you would curse them with the same venom with which Spike curses Angel. 

So, for all that, I was very careful for a very long time to make sure you never found out that I’d never seen Star Wars.  The last thing I wanted was to receive a ration of shit from you, because I felt that you might take it as a personal affront.

And when I finally ‘came out,’ so to speak, in the absolute loosest of terms, and admitted that I’d never seen the classic trilogy … you said nothing.  And that means more to me than I can ever say.  So thank you.

Brad and John, on the other hand …

John: YOU’VE NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?
Alaina: Johnny …
John: I had a heart attack last year, Weevil! 
Alaina: Johnny!
John: I do not need another one!
Alaina: Hey!
Brad: What’s going on?
Alaina: Nothing!
Johnny: Weevil’s never seen Star Wars!
Brad: WHAT?
Alaina: Okay, seriously?  I have too!  Just not in one sitting, or in chronological order!
Brad: You’re dead to me for the rest of the day.
Alaina: Oh, come on!

Tomorrow is May Fourth.  For those not in the know (people would say that should be me, but I’m savvy to the ways of geekdom), this date is also known as Star Wars Day: “May the Fourth be with you!”

Tomorrow night, after work, I plan on coming home, cleaning the living room a bit, pouring some pre-Cinco de Mayo margaritas, and watching Star Wars: A New Hope.

But before I do, here’s the moment where I prove, once and for all, that I am familiar with A New Hope and that I am only really watching it for a sense of finality.  Much like when I finally watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade four years ago: similar to theStar Wars situation, I had seen the whole movie, just not in chronological order, or in one sitting.

And so, without further ado, here’s the plot.  And I know that someone’s probably going to ask if I Wikipedia’d any of this, and the answer is no.  I don’t Wikipedia anything until after the fact.  The following is all from my memory, spotty though it may be.  Go ahead, tell me if I’m wrong.  (But not for 24 hours.)

It begins with a shot of a big spaceship (like in Spaceballs!  Gee, I wonder if that’s a coincidence!).  And then there are people walking down a corridor, and it may or may not be Darth Vader immediately, but anyway, it ends with a meeting between Darth and Princess Leia.  He wants her to surrender her realm to the empire, but she refuses, so he sends her back to the brig.  She creates a video message in her handy R2-D2 unit, and tells him to find Obi-Wan Kenobi, as he is her only hope.

We side-wipe to Tatooine, and a disgruntled young man named Luke Skywalker is pensive about his life.  He has a fight with his uncle and then goes upstairs and stares at the two setting suns.  At some point, he gets directed to go to town and pick up a couple of droids, or get C3P-0 fixed or something, but ANYWAY, he finds R2-D2 wandering the desert, like a robotic Jesus without the followers (or was it Moses who wandered the desert?  Both of them had wanderings in deserts, I think.  DON’T TELL ME, it’s not that important), and on the way back to the farm he gets attacked by Jawas and R2 and C3P-0 save him.  A button gets hit and the video of Princess Leia asking “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope” plays, and Luke thinks, “Hey — I wonder if that’s Old Ben Kenobi?”

So he finds Ben, somewhere, and shows him the video, and Obi-Wan agrees to help Luke help rescue Princess Leia.  But they’re going to need a pilot.  So they end up in this bar on the other side of the planet and run into Han Solo, who is the best pilot in the galaxy (but also the most reckless).  As they’re trying to convince Han to join their ragtag band of rebels, this asshat Greedo comes over and tries to pick a fight with Han Solo but HAN SHOOTS FIRST and Greedo dies.

Somehow, they figure out that Luke is powerful with the Force, and Obi-Wan agrees to train him in the ways of the Jedi, and there’s the scene on the Millenium Falcon where Luke is blindfolded and trying to light-saber the ball using the Force, and someone’s playing a game with Chewbacca and C3P-0 tells him to let the Wookiee win, and also, Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that he knew his father, Anakin, and that they were good friends.

When they get to the spaceship, they dress up as Storm Troopers to go and rescue the Princess.  When they find her, Han realizes that she’s not a simpering idiot, because she calls him a scruffy nerf herder.  On the way out, trying to escape, they almost get stuck in a garbage chute, but somehow they escape. 

Then they learn that Darth Vader has this amazing weapon, called the Death Star.  And it’s possible that, maybe, Darth Vader blew up Tatooine?  Or maybe Leia’s home planet?  I haven’t seen that scene in a while, I can’t remember.  ANYWAY, somehow, the find out about the Death Star, and they start researching ways on how to blow it up.

They join with the Rebel Alliance, and they find that there’s this little, tiny corridor in the Death Star that a TIE-Fighter can fly through and then it explodes it from within, so they decide to do that!  And Luke is decided to be the pilot while Han becomes the squad leader, and Leia is there, too. 

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan goes off to attack Darth Vader and restore balance to the Force, but Darth Vader kills him, after strangling General Needo.  (Or is it Nado?  I can’t remember.)

But in the end, Darth Vader and his Evil Empire escapes to fight another day, while Luke, Han and Leia celebrate, in the wake of mourning Obi-Wan Kenobi.  And at the end, there’s a parade and Leia gives the boys medals, and there’s waving and happiness and they live happily ever after until the Empire Strikes Back.

And look, as I said up there: if I’m wrong, please don’t ruin it for me.  I’ll ruin it myself tomorrow night.

OH MY GOD YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS

I had almost a thousand words already typed up about this STUPID MOVIE, and due to an errant thumb, it navigated away from the post page, and unlike SOME WEB BLOGS ONLINE, with WordPress, when you hit “backspace” it returns you to the page you were at without the DRAFT AVAILABLE TO RESTORE.  So NOW, I have to rewrite EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Well, FUCK THAT SHIT, because this movie SUCKS.  In FACT, the reason my thumb slipped in the first place was because I was FALLING ASLEEP.  And I said, “I’m going take a little catnap, because I am totally not watching ANY OF THIS.”  So I turned off the DVD player, and was looking forward to a half-hour nap when the PHONE RANG, and it was some fake cancer society on the phone because I’m sorry, the real American Cancer Society is doing well enough on its own that it doesn’t need to solicit donations over the phone, so I hung up on them and then realized oh shit, I’m awake, I may as well get back into the movie, and now here we are, and all I can think of is “Knock knock, who’s there? Cancer.  Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!” [fast forward to 1:58 for the joke.]

So here’s the quick I Don’t Give A Fuck Recap of the whole … holy shit, that whole bitchass was only eighteen minutes?  Fuck.

Fighting fighting fighting … *gasp* they killed R2’s red cousin, R4!  Oh the humanity!  Stupid elevator shenanigans … Anakin sensed Count Dooky, whereas Obi-Wan sensed a trap, at which point Alaina did her Admiral Akbar impersonation … there was some ranting about how, even though I’ve never seen Return of the Jedi, this movie seems eerily similar … Oh, I did the usual transcription nonsense, but there were no new awesome typos, so I’ll skip that here … and more elevator shenanigans and then HOLY SHIT ANAKIN JUST SLICED OFF COUNT DOOKY’S HANDS and then WAS THAT HIS HEAD TOO and I swear, even though it hasn’t been revealed (yet), I still suspect that Senator Chancellor Palpatine or whoever was behind his kidnapping, much like that guy in that other movie I’ve watched, because the title of this blog notwithstanding, I’ve seen alot of movies, you guys.

Okay.  Let me put up the poster —

— and let’s get back into this pile of filth, shall we?

Oh, right, I had some comments about General Grevious having a cough and wondering how a droid can cough, and then I decided I didn’t care and was tired.

Anakin is landing the spaceship (oh jesus, there’s a joke in here about Cyril and Archer but I’m too tired to make it right now), and he says “We’re coming in too hot.”  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.  Then Obi-Wan smiles and says it’s another happy landing, and I really need to watch more (good) movies with Ewan McGregor in them, because he’s incredibly lovely.  Without the icky beard.  Why does he look like a Civil War general in this movie — oh, wait.  I get it.

Hey, it’s Sgt. Nick Fury!  Sidebar: I kind of love that The Avengers comes out on May the Fourth.  Why have not as many geeks come out with more jokes about that?

Apparently Jimmy Smits is playing Senator Organa, who will most likely end up being Leia’s adopted father, correct?  Why is Amidala wearing her hair in cinnamon buns?  And why is she hiding in the corner?  NOBODY PUTS PADME IN THE CORNER.  And she’s pregnant?!  Oh man … too many Dirty Dancing jokes, not enough time.  How have they not revealed they’re married yet?  Why is it such a secret?  Are Jedis not allowed to marry — like priests?  Am I overthinking this movie?

General Grevious is told to bring the infidels to Mustafa.  What’s the Lion King’s father doing in this movie?

Oh god … Anakin and Amidala are playing the “I love you more” game — “No, I love you more, no you hang up first.”  No, you gag me with a spoon first.

And Anakin is having nightmares about the birth of his children.  And frankly, I’d be a little worried about putting more meat on your bones, Ani.  There’s having a six-pack, and then there’s having a six-pack of lightweight near-beer.  You have the latter.  Go eat a sandwich and follow it with a Guiness or something.

Anakin goes to talk to Yoda about his premonition nightmares.  Yoda’s advice is to “let it go.”  Yeah, cuz that will work.  Meanwhile, Senator Chancellor Palpatine has requested an audience with Anakin.  He wants him to be his representative on the Jedi Council.  Is it my turn to say “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”?

The Council allows Anakin to join the council, but refuse to make him a Master, and he throws a Jedi-sized hissy fit, because after all, he’s barely twenty-five, and thinks he knows everything.  Oh, the curse of the college graduate — thinks they know everything, and yet knows nothing.  And believe me when I am saying that based upon my own experience.

Anakin believes that Palpatine is a good guy.  Anakin is apparently blinder than we thought.  With a name like “Palpatine,” he can’t be a good guy.  And seriously, could there be a shot of Palpatine and Sidious in the same room at the same time?  Because until that happens, I am going to continue to believe that they are one and the same person.

Anakin is talking to Amidala about his troubles, and HOLD THE PHONE — what the fuck is Amidala wearing?!  She’s got, like, this grandma sweater on and a babushka on her head — she looks like a gypsy woman.  All she’s missing is the missing tooth and the one gold earring.  And now, all I can hear in my head is Carol Tunt yelling “JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID!” 

Oh look it’s a night at the opera or something.  Maybe it’s the Oscars.  With giant bubbles of water?  Evil Chancellor Palpatine is enjoying the Bubble Oscars and trying to turn Anakin against the Jedi Council, because CLEARLY, Palpatine is trying to turn him into Sidious’s new apprentice, because PALPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS.  I swear to god, I had better be right about this.

Holy shit, Chancellor Palpatine’s just spent about five minutes planting evil seeds in Anakin’s ear about midichlorians and overthrowing the Jedi Council and all sorts of other shit and all I know is that I haven’t been paying attention because I AM BORED.

Hey, it’s Chewbacca!  Hey, it’s a bunch of Chewbaccas!  Chewbacci?  Wookies.  A bunch of Wookies.  And there’s fightng and robotic octopusses – octopi? – coming out of the water and Yoda almost gets shot and then Lucas cuts away from the battle to show a conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan which practically screams “Anakin is playing Obi-Wan because he loves Palpatine more.”  It makes me feel bad for Obi-Wan for not being able to see through his shit.  I want to go up to him, shake his shoulders and shout, “He’s USING you, Obi-Wan!”  And then I realize I’d be touching Ewan McGregor and I jerk my hands back to avoid getting a restraining order.

Holy crap, Obi-Wan’s riding a dragon.  Or something.  He somehow manages to sneak up on General Grevious, and then there’s a super laser fight joust session where Obi-Wan only has one light saber, whereas Grevious has, like, three.  Because he’s a droid with tons of arms.  Seriously, he’s like a scorpion with a cough that can turn into a wheel?  What the fuck is going on?

Oh my god, Obi-Wan and Grevious are still fighting?  There was a whole scene in the middle of this where Senator Chancellor Palpatine pretty much called Anakin out on his wife-having, secret-having ways, and Obi-Wan has not stopped fighting Anakin yet.  This is ridiculous. 

Obi-Wan finally kills Grevious, whereas Anakin confesses to Nick Fury that he thinks Palpatine’s a Sith Lord.  Nick Fury tells Anakin to stay out of it, and then there’s some lingering looks and thinking on both Amidala’s and Anakin’s part.  Meanwhile, Nick Fury goes to arrest Palpatine, and HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT Palpatine just fucking JUMP-TWIRLS out of his seat trying to kill Nick Fury!  Pretty spry for an old guy.

Also, I was totally right, Palpatine is Darth Sidious.  Of course, the whole reveal was telegraphed two movies ago, so, I’ll be a little quieter in my I Told You So dance.

And then Senator Sidious totally tricks Anakin into letting Sidious kill Nick Fury.  What the fuck.  I’d be pissed, but then I remember that in two weeks,The Avengers comes out, so I get better.

So that’s how Anakin goes to the Dark Side — out of love for Amidala.  Of course; it’s always a woman.  Palpatine names him Darth Vader, and I wonder how he picked that name out of thin air.  Does the naming of Darths follow the naming of hurricanes?  Like, there’s Darth Sidious, and somewhere between then and now there was Darth Tourniquet and Darth Urethra, and now the next one after Anakin will be Darth Walden?  How does that work?

The rebellion against the Jedis has begun, and I’ve lost all interest.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are hiding, because obviously, they need to survive to return in the next movies.  Amidala is waiting for Anakin’s return, but he’s crossed to the dark side of the force, baby, so he’s not coming — oh wait, there he is.  Damn, this movie proves me wrong.  Bastards.

Hey, lava!  I had a feeling this was coming.  I remember hearing a rumor that Anakin falls into a boiling pit of lava to fully turn into Darth Vader.  I’m glad to see I wasn’t making that up.

Amidala and a stowaway Obi-Wan end up at the volcano to confront Anakin.  Anakin is operating under the delusion that he has brought peace to the Empire, and Obi-Wan tries to convince him that he’s still good.  Fails.  And now they’re fighting.  Fighting fighting fighting.  But hey, at least they’re no longer talking.  Dear George Lucas: take a dialogue class, because this is not the fun snappy dialogue I’ve heard occurs between Han Solo and Leia.  This is awful.

Now Yoda and Sidious are fighting in the Senate at the same time that Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting on the volcano.  And I am so bored, I’m actually yelling at the screen for him to slip and fall already.  I can’t wait to mail this back.

Holy shit, Anakin looks like a zombie after Obi-Wan cut his legs off.  You know what?  I’d watch that movie.  Zombie Star Wars.  I think I could get behind that.

So the babies are born, and I’m sad because apparently Amidala names them Luke and Leia arbitrarily while in a pain-induced fog.  At the same time the babies are born, Darth Vader is all masked up.  Fun Fact!  Did you know that Darth Vader’s iconic mask was based off of ancient Samurai battle armor?  You didn’t?  Neither did I, until last Thursday.

Aww… Darth Vader’s first question was about Amidala.  So he can love!  He just kills that which he loves!  Oh seriously?  The agonized NOOOOOO ?  Lucas, at this point, I will max out my credit card and send you to a playwriting class.  You have the Learning Annex in Los Angeles, right?

They split the babies up – as predicted, Jimmy Smits adopts Leia, and Obi-Wan drops Luke off with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.  The couple looks off into the double sunset in a shot that echoes one of the first with Luke, wanting his freedom and adventure, and also, Amidala’s dead.

And the awful trilogy’s finally over!  And I am renewed with faith that the rest of them will be better.  Right?  I mean, at least they have Harrison Ford in them. 

Grade for Revenge of the Sith: Yay It’s Over!

Oh yeah.  We’re doing this.  I mean, a of all, yes, it’s a Friday evening and I don’t have anything to do, so it looks like I’m going to potentially ruin what could be a good Friday night (Holy shit, I just got what I did there – heh), but also, it’s 5 o’clock.  Which means I can drink to it and it isn’t white-trashy, and also, I won’t sleep through it because it’s 5 o’clock, not almost midnight, but best of all, when it sucks, it’ll still be early enough for me to go out to get the taste of it out of my mouth.

Alaina Patterson: Champion Rambler since 1996.

Now, unlike The Phantom Menace, I have no preconceived notions about this movie.  (Except that it’s gonna suck.)  In fact, here’s the Things I Know Going In About Attack of the Clones:

• Anakin is now a teenager, played by Hayden Christensen, which puts Attack of the Clones about ten years later than Phantom Menace.
• Natalie Portman still plays Queen Amidala, and does not look ten years older.
• MAYBE Queen Amidala has some super anti-aging potion or something to keep her looking young, while Anakin has some super aging shit so he can hurry up and be a Jedi already?
• Also, there is a romance that blossoms between Amidala and Anakin.  To me, that is creepy, because I just saw the movie where Anakin’s a ten-year-old.
• Also also, there are attacks, most likely by clones.

And here are the questions I have that I hope get answered:

1. HOW in PLUPERFECT HELL is George Lucas going to make the Amidala/Anakin romance NOT CREEPY?!
2. What are the clones OF?  I mean, are they robots?  Are they clones of other aliens or humans?  ARE THEY ZOMBIE CLONES BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC
3. Oh please let there be zombies!!
4. That wasn’t a question.
5. Okay, how’s this?  Once the clones are determined, what are they attacking?  And how?  Bombs or flash mobs?  Terrorist attacks or really bad stand-up?  All are attacks!
6. Will Ewan McGregor be awesome and/or naked in this one?  I could use a little hot-guy-action.

And before I hit play, all I can think of is the past two months where I have been horribly hesitant to actually watch this and Revenge of the Sith.  I mean, I know these movies suck, but I’ve also heard great things about the other three movies — the first ones, the original ones.  But because of my psychotic personality, I have the masochistic need to watch The Stupid Three first.  So I’m just going to dig in and get shit done, because eventually, there are other, better movies to watch out there, and then I’ll never have to watch these again.  Right?  (I mean, I can hear Brad whining about Dead Poets Society from here.  And I’m sorry, but informal survey: How many of you guys call that ‘DPS’?  Seriously?)  Right.  Okay.  Here I go.  (Oh shit, where’s my vodka?)

[Oh, and after hearing all my friends talking about excessive timestamps after watching Death of a Ghost Hunter on Netflix, I’m going to stop with the timestamping.  And no, I haven’t watched that yet, and yes, I will eventually, but someone needs to give me the drinking game rules first.]

THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST REAL-TIME TRANSCRIPTION OF ALL TIME.  I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS FOR CORRECTNESS.

“There is unrest in the Galactiac Senat.  Esveral thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Reupblic.

This eparatist movement, under the leadership of themysterious Gount Dooky, has made it difficutl for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peance and order in the galazxy.

Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC TO ASSIST THE OVERWHELMED jEDI…”

OH MY GOD GOUNT DOOKY.  I could NOT make that up if I tried!!  Also, the above is why I’m not a court stenographer.  I can type 90 words a minute, but it won’t be pretty.  Or legible.  Or correct.  But GOD will it be hilarious.

Yay R2!  My favorite character returns!  And then the pilot dude of the ship or whatever has the CLASSIC ROOKIE BLUNDER of stating “I guess there was no danger at all,” because not FOUR SECONDS LATER, the ship or whatever BURSTS INTO FLAME.

DUDE.  Have you not seen “School Hard”?  When Willow and Buffy both hit Xander for cursing our beloved heroine with the fatal words, “How bad can it be?”  NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, because then you’ll be saddled with running Parent Night on the Night of St. Vigius, and also, Spike will be there and try to kill your mom.

Also included in the mantra of Curse Statements: “It could be worse”; “It can’t get any worse”; and “This is a cute cemetery with no record of weird shit.”

Trust me on that last one.

Anyway, Senator Queen Amidala’s double was killed in the blast, and the dude with one eye walks her away from the crash site so she can go to Senate.

Sgt. Nick Fury and Master Yoda are advising Senator Palpatine or whoever the old dude is on whether there’s going to be a civil war between the republic and the … non-republic.  But then Senator Queen Amidala breezes in with her entourage and Yoda expresses concern on the fact that she was almost killed.  Sgt. Nick Fury believes it’s disgruntled moon farmers on Naboo or something (I DON’T REWIND), whereas Senator Queen Amidala believes it’s Gount Dooky.  Someone suggests that Amidala be put under the Jedi protection but then JIMMY SMITS IS THERE!?  What the fuck is he doing in this movie?!

So Obi Wan Kenobi is going to protect Amidala and since Anakin is Obi Wan’s apprentice, he’s going to be along for the ride.  Oh great, and Jar Jar is there too.  Whoopee.  Anakin begins by putting his Padawan foot right into his Padawan mouth and pledging to learn who was trying to kill her.  Obi Wan reminds Anakin to stop focusing on the negative (because apparently, that way goes the dark side — OH WAIT.  And also, maybe I shouldn’t recommend that the young Padawan reads Bright Sided?).

Meanwhile, HEY IT’S BOBA FETT!  Right?  That’s who that was?  Anyway, his client is ordering him to kill Amidala, so he gives some chick some canister that’s full of hella poisonous things or something and it goes right to Amidala’s room and spits out two EEEWWWW WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?  ARE THOSE CENTIPEDES?  R2-D2, YOU’RE THE WORST LOOKOUT EVER So the Jedis go running into Amidala’s room, and Obi Wan fucking JUMPS out the window and grabs onto the delivery robot after Anakin kills the slugs with his light saber (that’s what she said?), and now Anakin’s chasing Obi Wan through traffic and I think there’ll be a long enough chase scene for me to be able to eat a popsicle.

Nope, because Boba Fett or whoever shoots Obi Wan off the robot and now he’s hurtling through space and do those planets even have a ground?  Anyway, Anakin rescues Obi Wan and now they’re chasing the thing and can I please have enough time to eat my popsicle?

Mmm… orange.

Oh … Coruscant does have a street level.  Must be where the lowly peons walk.

Obi Wan (to Anakin): Why do I have the feeling that you’re going to be the death of me?
Ohhh…. that’s …. ouch.
[Yeah, that’s right — never seen A New Hope, but I know that.]

They find the chick, they know she’s working for a bounty hunter (BOBA FETT), and then they break up the wonder team of Anakin and Obi Wan by sending Obi Wan to find the bounty hunter and Anakin to escort Amidala back to Naboo.  She’s leaving Jar Jar behind as her representative?!  No wonder there’s a civil war!

Oh jeez.  Anakin’s having all sorts of ~feelings about wanting to move beyond Padawan status.

And there’s the first “May the Force be with you.”  Except I never poured me some vodka, and Diet Coke w/Lime just isn’t the same.

AND ANOTHER SENTENCE TO ADD TO THE CURSED STATEMENTS: “Don’t worry; we have R2 with us.”

What the hell is this diner place?  It looks like the place where Marty McFly tried to order a Tab and/or a Pepsi Free.

And then Obi Wan gets the smackdown from a librarian.  Awesome.

Meanwhile, in a homeless shelter, Anakin is trying to tell Amidala that he loves her, going so far as to tell her he dreams about her.  Look, dudes?  Here’s a hint.  People dream about people all the time.  But no one wants to know that other people dream about them.  Because then, if I were to find out that a friend was dreaming about me, I’d be wondering, is it a sex dream?  Or a dream where he’s running away from clowns and I’m there laughing at him?  EITHER WAY IT’S BAD.

OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVER!  The Youngling Jedis saying “Good evening, Master Obi Wan” is ADORABLE!!  And now they’re searching for a planet in the middle of a black hole?  Oh, apparently someone erased some files from an archive or something.  I WONDER IF IT WAS GOUNT DOOKY WHY IS NO ONE SUSPECTING THE PERSON WITH THE AWFUL NAME

I kind of love that Anakin is rocking an ascot.  I just … it’s so dapper and weird and awesome.  And he’s taking offense at being ignored.  Oh, young Padawan.

Oh, that voice is familiar.  Who plays the Prime Minister of the weird tall white alien planet?  WAIT, THEY MADE A CLONE ARMY FOR THE REPUBLIC?

Weird Tall White Alien Prime Minister: But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.
Alaina: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

I just realized why I couldn’t look up the voice of the weird Prime Minister – George Lucas gave him an actual name but then neglected to mention it in passing, so I’m left with no recourse but to make more That’s What She Said jokes.

Anakin doesn’t like sand because it’s coarse, and rough, and gets everywhere… like in your cold dead eyes, Woodhouse?  And now he’s kissing Amidala.  And I was just about to say that I know that won’t end well, because I’ve literally seen how this saga ends (SPOILER ALERT Darth Vader dies, gets burned, and his ashes go up into the stars and Leia and Han smile beatifically while Ewoks dance), but then Amidala cuts me off because she also knows it’s a bad idea.

Ah, the clones are human.  Ish.  And Jango Fett’s the original Host?  Wait — is that where STORM TROOPERS COME FROM?

Oh man, Amidala and Anakin are cavorting in a field, and the bohemian hippie shit is making me gag on my Diet Coke.  Jeez, I was kidding about the cavorting, but no, now they’re literally rolling around in a field.

OH GOD A BABY BOBA FETT!!  Holy shit that’s crazy!

Is it just me, or does it seem strangely appropriate that, when Anakin professes his love for Amidala, she’s kind of wearing a dominatrix outfit?  I mean, it’s black leather with a collar and a corset that pushes her boobs up to Naughty Thought Town, and there’s a fireplace and shoulder length leather gloves and COME ON!  Seriously?

Okay, I totally just took a little break to surf the web for a little bit.  Because face it, this would be naptime if I were watching this as part of Insomniac Theatre.  Meanwhile, Jango Fett has a jetpack! And the ability to walk on walls like Spider-Man!  Until Obi-Wan comes in with his flying ninja kick!  But then Jango head-butts him* until he catches on some fishing line and almost pulls a John McClane over the edge of the building, until finally Jango thinks he’s dead and Obi Wan races back up to the pad launching site and throws a homing device onto the ship, and I’m all, duh?  And also, Jango: that’s why you don’t wear heavy armor when you’re flailing around on a rainy roof.  Because then you can’t climb back up.

*Sidebar — wouldn’t that be more like, hit a guy in the head, then turn around really quickly and then hit him again with your butt?

Seriously, I’m bored.  So there’s an asteroid chase and whatever, and then we add to the list of Cursed Statements with “Stay near the ship, R2,” which is just about as bad as “Stay in the car, Chuck.”  Anakin and Amidala go to meet the Lars family (Uncle Owen!  Aunt Beru!  And, again, I knew that before watching A New Hope, so, suck it, y’all), and apparently Anakin’s mother has been kidnapped but no one went after her?  What?  Oh sure, Elder Lars, blame your injury.  Whatever.

Dear Elder Lars: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about young Padawan Anakin, it’s that he will never accept anything on faith.  He needs to see the stupid shit he brings about with his own eyes.  So he leaves Amidala with his stepfamily and takes a weird spacebike to the other side of Tattooney to find his mommy.

I’m sorry — that sounds heartless.  I wouldn’t wish a kidnapped mother on anyone, but this movie … good lord.

THERE’S STILL AN HOUR LEFT IN THIS MOVIE?!  WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS!?

Hey, it’s Christopher Lee!  Playing Evil Old Guys (And Vampires) So You Don’t Have To: Since 1896.  And he’s playing Gount Dooky!  As he should be, because Gount Dooky is the King of All Evil.

Oh good — Anakin found his mother.  I’m not being snarky, I’m legitimately glad he’s found his mother, so he can get closure.

And by “closure,” I of course mean “killing tons of people when she dies.”  That Yoda is apparently able to overhear and yet do nothing to stop.

Oh man — I almost thought that Sgt. Nick Fury was going to, like, lounge on that pillow.  The way he went to sit, I almost thought he was going to end up laying on his side, holding his head up by one arm, and look at Yoda and go, “Whatcha doin’?”

Watch out, Obi Wan!  There’s a pterodactyl above you!  (Perhaps it’s the Motherfucking Pterodactyl?)

So Anakin admits to mass murder in the name of his mother — including women and children, which, wow, okay — and Amidala just looks at him and says, “It’s okay to be angry – it’s human.”  WHAT?  Padme, honey — he just killed an entire village.  Maybe now’s the time to run away?

Uh oh — Gount Dooky has Obi Wan trapped in a force field.  And he’s talking about someone called Darth Sidious?  Why didn’t you just name him Darth Evil?  Because seriously, the only name better than that would be Freddie Foreshadowing.

Obi Wan: I’ll never join you, Dooku.
That just sounds … so ridiculous.

Oh Jesus … speaking of sounding ridiculous: Jar Jar is addressing the Senate.  There’s no way this can go well.  Oh, BULLSHIT, Senator Palpatine!  You’ve been orchestrating this takeover for years!  Lemme guess — he’s Darth Sidious?  Because seriously, that’s how I would have written this.

Oh dear Lord and Savior, please cut short the Droid Shenanigans, please.  I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I’ve had that dream!  The one where you’re on a conveyor belt, and ducking obstacles like you’re in some crazy video game?  And now C3P-O’s a drone clone or whatever, and R2D2’s somewhere saving the day, as he usually does, and Amidala’s about to get molten lava poured over her, and oh gee, I wonder how this will end?

NO YOU DON’T, Amidala.  You do NOT love Anakin.  You love the IDEA of him.  And what the hell are those things, Jabberwockys?  ANAKIN – did you not listen to me earlier about Cursed Statements?  Having a “bad feeling about this” is not allowed, tradition be damned.

And here come the Jedis, to the rescue!  Because the bad guys have also brought in the clone droids or whatever, and I’m starting to get even more bored than I was twenty minutes ago.

Fighting fighting fighting … light sabers flashing and making that light saber noise … C3P-O being annoying … Jango Fett getting trampled by a Jabberwocky … Jango Fett killing the Jabberwocky (but where’s his vorpal sword? — oh wait, Sgt. Nick Fury had the vorpal sword, because HOLY SHIT HE JUST DECAPITATED JANGO FETT)

Oh … my GOD.  C3P-O.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

Okay, hi, I have a question?  Where are — oh shit.  I just answered my own question.  I mean, I was going to ask if this movie was called “Attack of the Clones,” and the Jango Fetts with the Tall White Weird Things were the clones in question, when were they going to attack?  And then they attacked.  Or, at least, rescued the heroes and shot their guns a little bit, but not enough to actually attack.  Oh, and they left C3P-O and R2D2 there.

Oh shit, is there more fighting?  Seriously?  I’M BORED.  LET SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN ALREADY.

Your communications have been jammed?  Was it Raspberry Jam, by chance?

Great.  Now there’s an actual war.  I swear to god, this movie’s never going to end, is it?

The Ultimate Weapon?  The Death Star, perchance?  Yeah, that’s the Death Star.  Guys — maybe, before building it, you should look into that one little corridor that leads directly to the self-destruct button?  Just sayin’.

Oh man — from the angle I’m watching it, it looked a minute like Christopher Lee was riding a space bike into war.  Thank god he’s not.  I would have made way more fun of it.

How can you handle it, Obi Wan?  You’re out of rockets and ONE OF YOU lost his light saber again!  Oh, it looks like he found another one.  And then he runs right into Sauron and is surprised when he gets knocked unconscious.

WHOA!  SAURON JUST CUT ANAKIN’S ARM OFF!  Oh god … the Arrested Development jokes …

Wait … Yoda fights in this movie?  Did I know that?  I’m not sure.  Yeah, guys, shoot your guns at Gount Dooky’s transport.  BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS WORKS.

Also wait … I thought the hooded guy was going to be Senator Palpatine … unless it IS Senator Palpatine?

Okay, so, the “shroud of the Dark Side” or whatever has fallen, and the Clone War, begun, it has, but … is that where the Clone Wars animated series starts?  BECAUSE I AM NOT WATCHING THAT.  And no, seriously, why is Jimmy Smits there?!

Oh great — those two crazy kids got married.  Because that will end well.  HAHAHAHA Anakin has a skeleton hand for a hand!  Apparently the technology necessary to fly between planets exists, but to make an authentic artificial hand, we’re going to have to wait another thirty years.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

<b>Grade for <i>Attack of the Clones</i></b>: Thank God it’s over!

So not only am I being yelled at for not watching movies; now I’m being yelled at for not seeing them in the proper order.

Brad: What do you mean, you’re starting with The Phantom Menace?
Alaina: It’s Episode One, Brad. 
Brad: Yeah, but it sucks!  You should watch them in the order in which they were released.
Alaina: I don’t want to end with Revenge of the Sith!
Brad: You shouldn’t even watch those!  Just watch the first three!
Alaina: I shouldn’t watch Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi?  Wait a minute —
Brad: That’s not what I said.
Alaina: Whatever. I’ve already started, it’s too late to change transport mid-asteroid belt.

So I have just about an hour left, and (conveniently) just about an hour before Amelia the Roommate gets home, which means I have just about an hour to finish the movie without having to listen to her groan at my viewing choices. 

So please, pull up a chair (or whatever) and grab a drink (you’ll need it), because we’re finishing this small section of Hell tonight. 

Hm.  Although, I think I’m going to change my choice of alcoholic beverage; I’m not going to waste my champagne on this swill.

When we last left our intrepid heroes… young Anakin was going to race his pod (I’m unsure if that was a euphamism) so as to win enough prize money to buy the transpondster (or whatever) that Qui-Gonn Jinn needs in order to fix his transport and get the hell off of Tattooney to go … help the Queen, or something.  I don’t know, I got kind of lost there.  Also, Anakin’s blood is chock full of midichlorian goodness, and also-also, Alaina was playing a fun game of Let’s Add That’s What She Said To Innocuous Phrases.

Game on.

0:53:15
A chance cube? What the fuck is a chance cube? And I really don’t want to know what else Watto uses that cube for. Because I just went to a very dirty place.

0:56:06
What the fuck is that, a jackalope? Holy shit, they have jackalopes on Tattooney!

0:57:02
Hey, that weird seahorsey thing just pulled something on Anakin’s pod. A of all, that’s what she said? But b of all, I CALL SHENANIGANS.

0:57:55
Liam Neeson: May the force be with you.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:58:11
Holy shit it’s Jabba the Hut! I forgot he appeared in this! Dear lord, George Lucas loved that tub of lard. Also, is that a Mrs. The Hut back there? How does Jabba explain the slave girls?

1:01:38
Oh my god. I actually remember sleeping through this. I remember the sound effects, and the occasional shotgun and comment from the sportscaster or whatever the hell that two-headed thing is that’s commentating on the race, but I remember slouching in my chair at the theater, with my eyes closed, not really understanding what was going on, and I remember sleeping through this. This is crazy.

1:09:50
Thank god that’s over. I almost fell asleep again.

1:24:01
Shit! I fell asleep. FUCK IT I’M NOT TURNING BACK.

1:24:34
YODA! And Sgt. Nick Fury! Okay, I’m awake now.

1:24:45
Nick Fury: May the force be with you.
Alaina: Drink!

1:27:15
I’m hungry now. I could totally go for some mac ‘n’ cheese. Obviously, my stomach is MORE INTERESTING than this STUPID Senate Committee meeting. Also, how did a Queen get elected?

1:28:44
Amidala: This body is not capable of action.
Alaina: That’s what she said! *drinks*

1:29:17
Is that Terence Stamp as Chancellor Valorum? It is! Holy crap, that’s awesome.

1:37:27
Right, it’s Darth Maul that everyone wanted to be for Halloween. Sgt. Nick Fury is Mace Windu. Honest to God, I hate this movie. And I’m really jonesing for some mac ‘n’ cheese.

Okay, brief interruption while I and the Roommate hit up WalMart for some pre-closing antics. But I’m not going to stop and post here, because I refuse to even say “Part Trois” with this stupid movie.  I’ll be right back.

Two hours later…
Okay, I’m back.  Easy Mac took care of the Mac ‘n’ Cheese craving, so I’ll shut up about that now.  Meanwhile, I’m not going to rewind to see what I missed when I took my nap, because I need to FINISH THIS TONIGHT.

1:42:17
Evil Emperor: This is an unexpected move from her.
Alaina: That’s what she said!

1:46:45
Dear Liam Neeson: It’s incredibly sweet of you to think that Anakin is going to listen to your order to find a safe place to hide. Dude, the kid is ten, there is no way he’s going to do what you say. He’s going to be all, hey, look at this cool little jet thing, this is way better than my crappy pod, let me take it out for a test drive. If only he crashed; then there wouldn’t be any other movies — oh. Right.

2:00:01
Aw. Goodbye, Liam Neeson. Meanwhile, that answers the question of “what happens when you stick your light saber in some dude?”  Also, that is TOTALLY what she said.

2:09:54
OH THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST this movie is over.

You know, maybe it was because it was over ten years ago, or maybe my memory’s gotten especially hazy, but regardless: I do not remember this movie being so bad. And while I recognize that I don’t have to watch the next two, that I could just skip ahead to “the real Star Wars” [REAL ZOMBIES!? Did you just say REAL ZOMBIES?!], I think all the readers of my blog, as small as that population may be, well: you all need to realize that I am both a completist and a masochist.

What I’m trying to say is, at some point, once I sanitize my eyeballs, Attack of the Clones is next.

Monday Tuesday, January 17, 12:09 a.m.
Well, seeing as how I don’t have to be at work until 2 p.m. tomorr—er, later today, I could potentially watch The Phantom Menace tonight and get that over with.

Or – or — I could just watch the episodes of Friends where Chandler proposes to Monica.

Hm.  Decisions, decisions.  I mean, I could watch Friends, but it’s not like I don’t know how it ends.  And if I keep watching Friends, that means I could potentially finish this hat I’m crocheting, because I don’t have to pay attention to what’s on TV.  I could also turn on Netflix’s instant watch via the Apple TV, and catch up on two and a half seasons of White Collar before the premiere tomorr—er, tonight.

Or — or — I could grab the Netflix disc of Phantom Menace and kill that one bird with one stone.  I could also play two games: 1) Finish Off The Rum By Drinking Every Time Jar-Jar Says Something, and 2) See If Alaina Falls Asleep During the Pod Race Again.

Hm.  I’m not really talking myself into or out of anything.

AHHH NOOOO DREW BARRYMORE WHALE MOVIE COMMERCIAL.  Well, that settles it —  Phantom Menace it is.  I’m not going to watch cable if it means seeing that commercial again.

(I’m sorry – I can’t take any movie seriously that involves Drew Barrymore saying dialogue like “Then those whales are going to die.”)

One hour later …
*sniff*  Goddamn you, Monica and Chandler!  *sniff*

Okay.  On to cry for an entirely different reason.  OH LOOK I CAN’T FIND THE DVD REMOTE GUESS I CAN’T WATCH IT AFTER A–  dammit.

Oh, PS, I totally fixed my alcohol problem, in that not only am I finishing off the rum, but also one of the four bottles of gin.  A hearty shout-out once more goes to the Janitor from Scrubs  and his wonderful, magical breakfast liqueur.

Timestamp: 0:01:31
WAIT A MINUTE – this whole thing – this whole fucking saga — began as a TAX AND TRADE DISPUTE?! 

I am going to KILL PEOPLE.

0:02:55
Dudes, I may not know a lot about Star Wars, but I know that C3P-0 was gold. Right?

Oh heeeyyy, Ewan McGregor! What’s up with your stupid ponytail thingee? You look like a creeper.

0:04:39
Why the hell are those fish people scared of the Jedi? I mean, yeah, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are both rather badass, but — WHOA THAT SHIP JUST EXPLODED WHAT THE FUCK

For those keeping track, I have not yet started drinking.

0:06:22
Okay, now I’ve started drinking.

0:07:17
Ewan McGregor: They’re shield generators!
Alaina: No shit, Obi-Wan, that’s what those force field thingees are!

0:07:38
Liam Neeson: Battle droids?
Ewan McGregor: It’s an invasion army.
Liam Neeson: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.
Alaina: That’s what she said?

0:11:04
Oh no …. Jar-Jar. *drinks*

0:16:38
Liam Neeson: I saved his life. He owes me what you’d call a life debt.
Alaina: A life debt? You mean, like Harry Potter and Wormtail? OH MY GOD JAR-JAR IS TOTALLY WORMTAIL, RIGHT?

0:26:58
Ah, Tattooine. Or, if you’re me and a couple of friends playing Star Wars Monopoly on what was supposed to be Poker Night, Tattooney. Because we were drunk.

Also, I don’t know, guys. It’s 2:07 a.m. and while we haven’t gotten to the Pod race, I’m fading fast. Maybe because, I don’t know, this movie is BORING?!

Aw hey — hi, R2-D2! Why don’t you do us all a favor and shoot Jar-Jar, huh?

Also-also, in retrospect, it is way OBVIOUS that the actress playing “Queen Amidala” and the actress playing “Padme the Lady in Waiting” are THE SAME ACTRESS. How did I miss that fourteen years ago?

0:30:29
Liam Neeson: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:32:48
You know what’s seriously creepy about this? That in the next movie, Natalie Portman and this TEN YEAR OLD end up becoming a couple. *yick*

0:39:15
Anakin: When the storm is over, I’ll show you my racer.
Alaina: Okay, A of all, CREEPY, kid, you’re staring right at Natalie Portman, you player, and also, you’re TEN. But B of all, that’s what she said?

0:40:45
Hey, remember when Mace Windu was a thing that everyone wanted to be for Halloween? Yeah, me neither.

0:41:55
Anakin: No one can kill a Jedi.
Alaina: Except you, in about forty years. CREEP. Oh, right, and Mace Windu kills Liam Neeson in, even though according to the timestamp, only about an hour, it FEELS like in forty years.

Seriously, I think this may need to be a part one, completed tomorrow night in a part deux.

0:44:32
Here’s a question. Between all the Obi-Wans and Amidalas and Anakins and Qui-Gonns and Valerians and fuckall, how the hell did Anakin pick out “Luke” for a name for his son? Is that question going to be answered? Amidala picked out the names, didn’t she? And it probably came from the same place where I’m going to name my kids: “I went all through elementary school having my name mispronounced. It’s ah-mee-DAH-lah, not ah-MEE-dah-lah. Fuck that, this kid’s name is Luke.”

PS: My kids will be named Annie and Jack. Can’t mispronounce those!

0:47:50
Hey look, it’s Cindy Lou Who!

0:50:00-ish
Okay, I give up for tonight. It’s 2:30, and I’m starting to fade. I haven’t nodded off yet, so I figure this gives me a stellar chance of remaining awake through the entirety of the pod race when I try again next time.

Tune in Wednesday night (because that’ll be the next night I’ll be able to finish it and not completely wreck my sleep cycle, such as it is) for Part Deux of The Phantom Menace.

[Hey, it’s called Movies Alaina’s Never Seen; it doesn’t say anything about needing to watch them in one sitting.]