Monthly Archives: December 2011

Jaws is about a shark, right?

You may know me from my other blog, That’s What She Read, wherein I talk about the books that I read. And if you’re a serious reader of that little corner of the internet, then you’re probably also aware that I have been playing a “game” for some time now with a couple of my coworkers. That game (and I use the term loosely, because it’s less fun for me than it is for them) has been named “Movies Alaina’s Never Seen.”

See, one of my dear friends — occasionally known as “Bradford,” because I have to make my own fun somehow in all of this — was horrified — horrified — that I had never seen Pulp Fiction. Then he learned that I had also (AT THAT POINT) never seen The Shawshank Redemption.

“Alaina!” he exclaimed in horror. “That’s, like, two of my top five movies!” Then he asked me about Big, and Joe Versus the Volcano, and The Usual Suspects

“HA!” I yelled. “I have seen that one!”

“Good job, Kid,” he responded, his tone rife with sarcasm. “One out of five.”

“How is Joe Versus the Volcano in your top five?”

Then our coworker, John, got in on the act.

“Weevil” — [he calls me Weevil after Eil “Weevil” Navarro, the greatest character on the short-lived Veronica Mars, and yes, it is a compliment] — “Weevil,” John said, “please tell me you’ve seen The Godfather.”

I shook my head, and he groaned, almost in pain. And then I opened my big fat mouth even wider and fatter. “That’s the same expression my sister gave me when she found out I’d never seen Star Wars.”

Dear God, the amount of protests I heard from everyone after that. And nearly every day, Bradford and John have found new titles with which to pester me.

Animal House?” “Caddyshack?” “Fargo?” “The Crying Game?”

Even my roommate got in on the act. “How have you never seen The Professional?”

I’ve seen the Indiana Jones and Back to the Future trilogies like, a frillion times, does that count?

So I decided, in 2012, I’m going to shut them up once and for all. Because here’s the thing: While there are a lot of movies I haven’t seen — I know this, because Brad and John are finding new ones every damn day — that doesn’t mean I don’t know what happens in the movie. I mean, I’ve never seen even a second of Pulp Fiction, but I know it involves two hitmen, a suitcase (that we never see what’s in it), a gimp, and a boxer played by Bruce Willis, and at one point Uma Thurman overdoeses while on the dance floor, and John Travolta saves her by shooting adrenaline directly into her heart, and also, they’ve never heard of Quarter Pounders with Cheese in their town. Ta da.

My new blogging venture in 2012 will involve me working through the ever-growing list of Movies Alaina’s Never Seen, and that would include a pre-viewing post, wherein I describe everything I know about the plot before I watch it, and prove to Brad and John that hey, I don’t have to watch the movies to know what’s going on.

And I’d also like to point out, once and for all, that I have seen the last 2/3 of Shawshank Redemption. On AMC, so it was severely edited for content. BUT STILL. And also also, I have seen all of Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope. Just not in one sitting. Or in chronological order. BUT STILL.

Stay tuned in 2012 for a magical journey through Alaina’s movie deficit. And who knows what we’ll have to add through the year?


Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Uncategorized