Category Archives: Project X

Welcome to Season 2, and almost to Year 2 of Project X! The good news is that at the rate I’m going, we have at least 8 more years of fun ahead of us?

[The bad news is that if I took pictures during the watching of these episodes, they have been lost to the interwebs. They’re not on my phone, nor are they on my new laptop or my portable hard drive. So, if there were visual aids at some point, they no longer exist. Apologies.]

Episode 2.01: “Little Green Men”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder travels to Puerto Rico in advance of a beret team out to destroy evidence of an extra terrestrial encounter.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A shadowy Senator sends Mulder to Puerto Rico to verify Voyager made contact with aliens, even though the X-Files are kaput. I give them three episodes before the X-Files are back up and running,though.

MOTW / Mytharc
Mytharc, most definitely. After Skinner (BABY) disbanded the X-Files, Mulder got sent off to conduct stakeouts and Scully’s back at Quantico, instructing newbies on autopsies. This episode will also add to the idea of shadowy government overlords when it comes to the alien shit.

First Meetings
Senator Matheson, one of Mulder’s allies. Matheson is the one who sends Mulder to Puerto Rico.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
We begin the episode with a science presentation and Mulder’s poetic yet completely over-dramatic narration.

Flashback To
Samantha’s abduction.

Dammit! My Sexual Kryptonite!
Mulder, sweaty after his flashback nightmare, still wearing his white Oxford shirt, unbuttoned.

Ships Ahoy!
There’s Mulder’s whole speech to Scully on the tape [[note: I can’t remember what the speech said, nor can I remember which tape this is — it may be the tape of his report he makes her that she listens to in her office late at night, or it may be a tape that was created in the Puerto Rico lab — I can’t remember. Ugh, I don’t want to have to rewatch these for more context!]]. But most importantly, even Skinner (BABY) know that, when Mulder ran off to Puerto Rico without telling anyone and Scully got worried about him, that if Scully knew where Mulder was, she wouldn’t be so worried about him. SKINNER KNOWS, MULDER

I also have a note that reads, “The Hand Touch! ‘I still have you.'”, which I assume fits under this category, but again – without context, I have no idea.

Fuck Yeah, Skinner!
When Mulder tells Skinner about the illegal wiretap he found on his phone, and Skinner knows that since he didn’t order it, then it has to be the work of Cigarette Smoking Man, and then he tells CSM to get the hell out of his office! FUCK YEAH, SKINNER!

Watch or Skip?
Most definitely watch.

Episode 2.02: “The Host”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder pursues a humanoid, parasitic organism that uses sewage systems as its home.

Alaina’s Synopsis
……….. eeeewwwwwww.  Why does it have to be sewage?

MOTW / Mytharc?
It’s described as a “humanoid parasitic organism that [lives in] sewage systems.” THIS IS DEFINITELY A MONSTER.

Note From the Future
I make the worst fucking decisions. This episode is so gross.

Thing I Yelled At the TV
[[On the black and white image of a freighter that starts the episode]]
If this is an homage to Battleship Potemkin, I’m out.

Thing I Also Yelled At the TV
What the fuck, the sailors are Russian?! I’M OUT, I’m not watching Potemkin again!

Scully’s Hair
[[ No image found. ]]
But seriously: flat. Listless. Unstyled. Pregnancy Hair. Gillian Anderson knew she was going out for a few episodes, so it’s like they stopped caring what she looked like. Poor Gillian – you deserved so much better.

Ships Ahoy!
(When Scully suggests Mulder transfer to Quantico to get out of stakeout transcriptions)
Mulder: They don’t want us working together, Scully. And right now, that’s the only reason I can think of to stay.

Also: their faces when Scully comments that one of their conversations feels like old times. Oh, my heart.

Special Guest Star
HOLY SHIT, IT’S THE REPTILE BOY FROM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Classic Quote
Skinner: We all take our orders from somewhere, Agent Mulder.

Everything Is Hannibal And Everything Hurts
For a second I thought Scully was reading the Daily Tattler, but I was wrong. And sad.

Watch or Skip?
Since I didn’t write it down, I’m gonna go ahead and say skip it.

Episode 2.03: “Blood”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully investigate a series of violent killings committed by seemingly normal residents of a small town.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Something is causing machines – elevators, ATMs – to instruct people in this small Pennsylvania town to murder people. Turns out it’s insecticide laced with LSD, so – thanks, government!

MOTW / Mytharc
Starts off as a possible Monster, but ends up in Shadowy Government Doing Icky Things territory.

Special Guest Star
William Sanderson plays one of the first people afflicted by the insectiumurdercide. You may remember William Sanderson as E.B. Farnham, the first mayor of Deadwood! (He most recently played Sheriff Bud Dearborne in True Blood, if that’s more your speed.) This makes the third Deadwood-ian to grace our hallowed X-Files halls, and this episode marks one of the few times I haven’t spent a good five minutes cursing out E.B.’s general jackassery.

Fun Fact!
Mulder – who has been transferred from stakeouts to the Behavioral Sciences Unit – used to play right field.

All About Alaina
The climax of the episode occurs at Franklin College, and I’m going to assume that they really meant it to be Franklin Pierce College, even though that’s in New Hampshire and the episode takes place in Pennsylvania, but seriously, it’s an ode to me.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
Mulder reaches out to shake someone’s hand, but he’s wearing latex gloves: “Pardon my rubber.”

He later trades Scully’s phone number for Frohike’s night vision goggles.

Lone Gunmen!
They’re in this one! And they’ve found nuclear bees! Or possibly tracker jackers.

Classic Quote
Byers: That is a Eurasian cluster fly.
Alaina: That is not how I thought that sentence would end.

Ships Ahoy!
Mulder emails Scully his reports as he tries to build his profile, because he wants her opinion! And she reads them alone in her Quantico office at night! It’s all so romantic!

Funny In Hindsight
Scully is very glad to prove that Mulder isn’t going to turn into the next Charles Manson. It’s funny because of Aquarius, starring David Duchovny. It’s not funny because somehow Aquarius got renewed for a second season but Hannibal got canceled.

Watch or Skip?
I feel like this episode has a fair amount of good parts – E.B., Lone Gunmen, etc. – but overall, probably it’s okay to skip this one.

Episode 2.04: “Sleepless”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder searches for a Vietnam vet who can project his consciousness into other peoples’ minds.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A Vietnam vet who underwent a sleep eradication study is now able to make people believe they’re on fire, or getting shot. It’s a revenge rampage, y’all! And also we meet Alex Krycek.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Mytharc in that it introduces two key characters and the villain of the piece is a government science experiment.

First Meetings
Hey, remember when I said we were going to see Nicholas Lea again in Episode 1.14? That day is today, so let’s give Alex Krycek a warm, Project X welcome! Krycek is a young whippersnapper of an agent that gets partnered with Mulder on this case.

We also meet Mr. X, the successor to Deep Throat’s legacy of providing just enough information to put Mulder on the right track, byt not enough to allow him to figure out anything on his own.

Classic Quotes
Krycek, introducing himself: Krycek. Alex Krycek.  #preciousbby

Mr. X, also introducing himself (of sorts): I’m not here to do your thinking, Agent Mulder.

Freddy Foreshadowing
Krycek is connected to the Cigarette Smoking Man, and says that Scully is a bigger problem than what was originally described. YOU LEAVE SCULLY ALONE.

Watch or Skip?
Watch for Krycek, but the plot is meh.

Episode 2.05: “Duane Barry”

Netflix Synopsis
A former FBI agent who claims he was abducted by aliens takes several people hostage.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder gets called in to deflate a hostage situation – Duane Barry, former FBI agent, believes he has been abducted but no one believes him. Mulder believes him, and then finds a chip or something that was removed. Scully wants to investigate the piece of metal, but gets thrown into harm’s way.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Mytharc

Special Guest Star
CCH Pounder! Dudes, she’s been in everything, I’m not going to list all of her credits; that’s what imdb. is for. However, most notably (to me), she portrayed the Secretary of HUD on the classic West Wing episode, “Celestial Navigation.” If you’ve heard about CJ’s root canal in Foggy Bottom and Josh Lyman inventing a secret plan to fight inflation, then you’ve heard of the best episode of The West Wing.

Thing I Can’t Even
Apparently, when Mulder doesn’t run for exercise, he swims laps. In red Speedos. Bless you, Fox. And also, bless you, Fox Mulder.

IT’S A TWO PARTER, Y’ALL
Duane Barry somehow figures out where Scully lives, and the episode ends with Scully leaving the sounds of her kidnapping on Mulder’s answering machine.

Watch or Skip?
Watch, are you kidding me?

Episode 2.06: “Ascension”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder attempts to rescue Scully is abducted by a deranged man who believe in UFOs.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder and Krycek go after Duane Barry (with Krycek attempting to stop Mulder at all costs, because separating Mulder from Scully would be the best thing for Krycek and the Cigarette Smoking Man), but it’s too late – Scully has disappeared. And then, Duane Barry dies, cutting off all leads.

This two-parter was created to allow Gillian Anderson time off for the birth of her first child. So that’s why most of Scully’s shots are in the trunk of Duane Barry’s car.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Mytharc.

First Meeting
Skyland Mountain! The location of Duane Barry’s abduction, and now Scully’s. We will see this fucking guy a few more times over the next decade.

O Skinner
This is the first episode where Skinner truly shows Mulder that he’s on Mulder’s side. He listens to Mulder, and most importantly, he believes Mulder. And then – he reopens the X-Files.

Skinner Ships It!
He sends Mulder home to get some sleep, and he promises to call Mulder if he can help. He knows how Mulder feels about Scully.

Classic Quote
Skinner: There’s only one thing I can do, Agent Mulder. As of right now, I’m reopening the X-Files. That’s what they fear the most.

Vintage Pretend Boyfriend = Walter S. Skinner. ❤

Watch or Skip?
Seriously, you have to watch this one. It’s soooo important.

Episode 2.07: “3”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder links a series of grisly deaths to a group of modern-day vampires.

Thing I Yelled At the TV:
Vampires?! OH HELL YEAH

Note From the Future
I came to regret that outburst.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Lost without Scully, Mulder dips his toes into Southern California vampire culture and it does not end well.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week. That desperately needed to be staked.

Thing I Can’t Even
These pre-Buffy vampires. Oh my god. So horrible. They go to a club called “Club Tepes.” Really? Who do you think you’re fooling, baby goths? Also, isn’t that the same club that Ford took his friends when they wanted to be turned into vampires in “Lie to Me” on Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Freddie Foreshadowing
Someone mentioned porphyria! Now, please someone mentioned xeroderma pigmentosum. Actually, just wake me up when “Bad Blood” comes on.

Full Disclosure Moment
I totally fell asleep for a good chunk of this episode.

Ships Ahoy!
MULDER IS WEARING SCULLY’S CROSS NECKLACE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Fox Mulder: Human Disaster
Uuuggggghhhh … so, Mulder sleeps with the vampire lady WHILE WEARING SCULLY’S CROSS, FUCK YOU MULDER, and this is my least favorite episode so far. YES, EVEN WORSE THAN “SPACE.” I get that this is supposed to show Mulder making really bad choices because Scully’s missing and he doesn’t know what to do or how to act without her, but … ugggghhhh.

Dammit! My Sexual Kryptonite!
Mulder, button those buttons on your white shirt! I am mad at you and do not want to be turned on right now!

Watch or Skip?
Skip, unless you’re the type of shipper who enjoys watching when one member of your OTP is missing and the other member is completely lost without him or her. Otherwise, this episode is just painful all around.

Next time, on Project X: “One Breath,” “Firewalker,” “Red Museum,” “Excelsis Dei,” “Aubrey,” “Irresistible,” and “Die Hand Die Verletzt.” Scully comes back, we meet another one of Alaina’s Vintage Pretend Boyfriends, and some weird shit ensues.

Hopefully, “next time” will occur before 2017.

If 2016 is going to have one motto, it’s going to be NO APOLOGIES FOR THINGS I’M NOT SORRY FOR. If 2016 can have two mottos, the second one will be DON’T FEEL SORRY FOR THINGS THAT DO NOT MAKE THAT BIG AN IMPACT.

The third motto for 2016 should be STOP FUCKING DYING, ACTORS I LOVE

Episode 1.22: “Born Again”

Netflix Synopsis
An 8-year old girl is the prime suspect in a series of bizarre, seemingly unrelated deaths.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A creepy young girl chock full of Thorazine turns out to be the reincarnated spirit of a dead cop. And now, she wants justice. Also, there’s origami.

MOTW/Mytharc
I feel that there should be a third category for Weird Shit That Isn’t Technically Monsters. I’m gonna make that a thing. This is Weird Shit That Isn’t Technically Monsters.

Special Guest Star
Maggie Wheeler, playing a cop! Who’s Maggie Wheeler, you ask?

That’s right – JANICE. And look, it’s not my fault that I kept hearing “Mulder and Janice’s Day of Fun!!” playing in my head throughout this episode; really, it’s not.

Fun Fact!
David Duchovny and Maggie Wheeler were apparently dating while filming this episode.

Yeah, Janice — I really don’t know how I feel about that.

Fashion Statements
We have reached Full “Hide Gillian Anderson’s Real-Life Pregnancy” Mode. Very rarely given a wide shot, and so many oversized trenchcoats it’s really not funny at all.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
His super slo-mo, dramatic turn to look at the Creepy Girl who’s watching the proceedings from the second story. I took a video, but apparently I can’t upload it because I’m not really paying for WordPress. And I’m sorry, but my commitment to completion falls short of paying money for an upgrade. But trust me – it was awesome.

First Meetings
I believe this is the first episode where the episode ends with Mulder voice-over-ing his report. I say I think this is the first episode because guys, it’s been actual months since I’ve watched this show, and I haven’t really been paying great attention.

Watch or Skip?
Eh … you can skip it.

Episode 1.23: “Roland”

Netflix Synopsis
When scientists at an aeronautics lab die under mysterious circumstances, the agents suspect a mentally challenged janitor may be the culprit.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A dead physicist is able to control his secret twin into killing people for him.

MOTW/Mytharc
Weird Shit That Isn’t Technically  Monsters.

Here’s The Thing
I get really uncomfortable when I see portrayals of mental illness, especially in genre shows like this, and especially when their portrayals are made to put them in the villain’s seat. I get that in the story, Roland (the mentally-challenged janitor) is not actually responsible for his murderous tendencies, but – he’s played by Zeljko Ivanek (so, not actually mentally handicapped in real life), and it’s just … no matter how well I think he may act as he should in this role, I’m still uncomfortable with the whole situation.

If I may digress for one more second: the best portrayal of a handicapped person has to be Jewel on Deadwood. Portrayed by Geri Jewell who has Cerebral Palsy in real life, her character is real, vivid, and is not written with a sheen of pity — which was slightly apparent with Roland in this episode of The X-Files. The best part about Jewel? The so-very-apparent affection Al Swearengen has for Jewel.

OH GOD HOW OLD IS IAN MCSHANE HE’S BRITISH, RIGHT? Oh, thank god, he’s 74 already.

WAIT.

Things I Yelled At the TV
When one of the Lab Coats isn’t nice to Roland: “I HOPE YOU DIE A FIERY DEATH”

Classic Quote
Lab Coat #2: If you want to go down in flames together, fine. You go ahead. I’m going to do the math.
Alaina: NERD ALERT

Special Guest Star
The aforementioned Zeljko Ivanek, who you may know from 24, and — WAIT, he was in Hannibal!? Oh, the movie, not the TV show. I was gonna say, I’m pretty sure I’d recognize him …

Chekhov’s Whatever

(It’s a wind turbine. Remember, from up above? This is an aeronautical lab.)

Thing I Can’t Even
At one point, Mulder name-drops Beakman’s World. That is a blast from the past, my friends. I had completely forgotten that show.

First Meetings
Well, Scully mentions that she has two brothers – an older one, and a younger one. We met Bill in “Beyond the Sea,” and we know about Melissa, her sister (or we will – sorry, spoiler alert!), but – is there really a second brother?

A Final Thing I Yelled At the TV
“Oh look, someone brought a gun to a turbine fight.”

Watch or Skip?
Skip.

Episode 1.24: “The Erlenmeyer Flask”

Netflix Synopsis
Deep Throat tips Mulder to a critically important case involving a missing fugitive and the cloning of extraterrestrial viruses.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Deep Throat leads Mulder to gather as much evidence as possible before the government shuts the alien project down. In his quest for evidence, Mulder comes across people who bleed green, monkeys that are really fucking mean, and bodies suspended in solution in a shadowy warehouse. Mulder gets kidnapped by one of the shadowy government agents, and as ransom, Scully breaks into the Pentagon and removes –

— well, that. But in the end, it’s not enough: sure, they release Mulder, but they shoot Deep Throat in front of their eyes. Two weeks later, Skinner (BABY) shuts The X-Files down.

DIFFERENT TITLE CARD

Last Appearance
Deep Throat, we hardly knew ye.

Everything is Hannibal and Everything Hurts
Law Enforcement Guy: I don’t know if you’re aware, but there were three different law enforcement agencies out here last night.
Mulder: Hunting a man on a moving violation?
Law Enforcement Guy: Well, it’s not Silence of the Lambs, but it’s what we do.

Scully is a Badass, Haters to the Left
Scully drove the car! With Mulder in the passenger seat! I mean, it’s her car because she’s driving him to where he left his, BUT STILL

Classic Quote
Deep Throat: Trust … trust no one. [dies.]

Watch or Skip?
Watch.

Next Time on Project X: Season Two, bitches!! Just in time for Season 10 to air!
But seriously: “Little Green Men,” “The Host,” “Blood,” “Sleepless,” “Duane Barry,” “Ascension,” and “3.” 

Guys. Important things are gonna happen next time.

Just getting right into this and hoping to be caught up … someday.

Episode 1.15: “Lazarus”

Netflix Synopsis
The consciousness of a dangerous criminal possesses an FBI agent who is also Scully’s ex-boyfriend.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Scully’s Ex-Boyfriend Jack and a bank robber switch bodies when they’re both shot and die at the same time, only Scully doesn’t know until Scully’s Ex-Boyfriend Jack kidnaps her and handcuffs her to a radiator.

MOTW/Mytharc
MOTW, although it’s not really a monster …

Unexplainable Phenomena
The FBI is actually doing FBI-like things, like foiling a bank robbery!

Have I ever told any of you my FBI bank robber story?

All About Alaina
So, when I was a second-year freshman at the University of Southern Maine (after transferring from Franklin Pierce College), I had to take this “Introduction to Accounting” class – it only met for like, six or eight weeks, once a week. It was a one-credit class, and for the most part, it was bullshit. But one thing they’d do is bring in people from different agencies with accounting backgrounds, in an effort to show how “cool” accounting was.

Also, this was right after the Enron and WorldCom accounting scandals, so they were also trying to show us the legitimate ways to be accountants. And there were a bunch of boring people, but one night, this guy from the local branch of the FBI was there.

Now, I had actually chosen Accounting as my major because I wanted to join the FBI, and a bachelor’s degree in accounting was the easiest way to get in. You know why I wanted to be an FBI agent? DANA SCULLY, Y’ALL.

But then I learned that I can’t run, and all agents have to go through the obstacle course at Quantico. So … I worked in retail for 10 years!

BUT ANYWAY. The people at that seminar would take questions and answers, and one of the questions for the FBI guy was, “What is a typical day in the life for you?”

And I’ve never forgotten what he said:

“It never fails; you try and plan your day, and someone robs a bank.”

I keep saying I’m going to cross-stitch that into a sampler, but I haven’t yet. But seriously, that is a good line.

First Meetings
– First time Scully kills someone! After the bank robber shoots Jack, Scully drops him like he’s … hot?

I’m sorry.

– Also, Scully’s first ex-boyfriend who isn’t Donal Logue!
– Also-also, the bank robber has a tattoo that shows up on Jack’s body, so — evil tattoos!

Unbelievable Shit
That Scully dated someone who has the same birthday as her. I don’t know if I’d ever date someone who has the same birthday as me; I’d be scared that we’d be too alike. Oh no! No one would ever clean out the fridge.

Fun Fact!
Scully’s birthday is February 23.

Ships Ahoy!
Mulder, in talking with Jack/Bank Robber’s ransom demand: “Now you listen to me – you lay one hand on Scully, I swear to God –”
And when he’s leading the team who’s going to search and rescue Scully: “For those of you who don’t know already, this one’s important to me, so … let’s do it right.”

(It’s so weird to see Mulder actually working professionally with other FBI agents.)

Watch or Skip?
Feel free to skip this one.

Episode 1.16: “Young At Heart”

Netflix Synopsis
A criminal believed to have died in prison years earlier wages a vendetta against Mulder.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A prisoner with Benjamin Button disease escapes and leaves love notes for Mulder everywhere and also, he breaks into Scully’s apartment.

MOTW/Mytharc
A hybrid of the two, because it turns out that the escaped prisoner is working with the Shadow Government. Also, Cigarette Smoking Man was there!

Fashion Statements
Scully’s mint triple-breasted suit with matching Oxford stripe blouse:

Mulder, You Precious Angel
He shouts “I’ll get you, you son of a bitch” in broad daylight.

Thing I Can’t Even
Scully Doogie-Howsering at home with a cup of tea, and a lit candelabra. And what sounds like Carmina Burana in the score, under Mark Snow’s eerie violins:

This is so 1994, I can’t even.

First Meetings
– First time Scully is shot! SPOILER ALERT: she was wearing a bulletproof vest.

Watch or Skip
I mean, I think you’ve got the jist just from this, so — skip.

Episode 1.17: “E.B.E.”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully become the focus of a misinformation campaign when they attempt to trace the government’s secret transport of an alien life form.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder and Scully road trip across America, following a tractor trailer truck possibly carrying a dead alien.

MOTW/Mytharc
Definitely Mytharc.

First Meetings
I’m going to need you to open this in a new tab and please play it on repeat throughout this section: let’s get ready to look good!

In this episode, we meet …. THE LONE GUNMEN!

CHEERLEADER

SO AND SO

THE UGLY ONE

(you guys – when I realized I could introduce these guys a la Teen Girl Squad, I was SO FREAKING HAPPY)

The Lone Gunmen – Langley (“Cheerleader”), Frohike (“The Ugly One”), and Byers (“So-and-So”) – are Mulder’s occasional accomplices. They run a magazine called “The Lone Gunmen,” and Mulder sometimes asks them for help. In another classic quote (that didn’t make the Classic Quote section below), Byers says of Mulder, “That’s what we like about you, Mulder; your ideas are weirder than ours.”

Also, Frohike quickly develops a crush on Scully.

Other, Less Important First Meetings
– Mulder’s apartment!- The manner in which Mulder signals to Deep Throat from his apartment!
– Scully actually drives the car with Mulder in the passenger seat!

Unbelievable Shit
That Mulder and Deep Throat had enough time together to actually plan out these elaborate, secretive communication gambits.

Classic Conversation
Scully: Those were the most paranoid people I have ever met. I don’t know how you could think that what they say is even remotely plausible.
Mulder: I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot.

Fashion Statements
Mulder, your tie:

What even is that?!

Ships Ahoy
At one point, Mulder leaves the office, grabbing Scully’s shoulder on his way out. It’s practically a caress.

Classic Quote
Deep Throat: Mulder, the truth is out there – but so are lies.

Horrible Irony
Mulder and Deep Throat meet at the shark tank to discuss the fact that Deep Throat gave Mulder a fake photo. You guys know about sharks, right? How they never stop swimming or they’ll die?

TWO SECONDS LATER
Deep Throat: “Mulder, if a shark stops swimming, he will die. Don’t stop swimming.”

HAND TO GOD, I wrote my note before Deep Throat had his line. Also:

I am IN LOVE with the idea that Mulder is Marlin. Holy shit, Mulder, the look on your faaaaace.

Watch or Skip
WATCH.

Episode 1.18: “Miracle Man”

Netflix Synopsis
The agents investigate a ministry led by a man whose son possesses the power to heal – and to kill – with a touch of his hand.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A preacher’s adopted son seems to perform miracles. In addition, he also makes Mulder see visions of his abducted sister, Samantha.

Full Disclosure Moment
When I read the Netflix synopsis, I was reminded that there is an episode – in a much later season – about a preacher who preaches using the power of snakes. And I should tell y’all right now – there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am rewatching that episode. I would just tell you to skip it anyway, because nothing important happens there. FUCK SNAKES, MAN. FUCK ‘EM.

MOTW/Mytharc
MOTW, with a side of Samantha.

First Meetings
– Scully’s first autopsy!

Mulder, You Precious Angel
The preacher’s son who can heal by laying on hands basically John Edward’s Mulder about Samantha.

Watch or Skip
Since the above is literally all I have to say about this episode? SKIP.

Episode 1.19: “Shapes”

Netflix Synopsis
The agents track a wolf-like creature linked to Native American Legend.

Alaina’s Synopsis
… see above.

MOTW/Mytharc
MOTW.

Special Guest Stars
Michael Horse! Basically, if anyone needed a sheriff of Native American heritage, they hired this guy. He played Tommy Hill on Twin Peaks (which no, I haven’t watched yet), but fellow 90s kids will recognize his voice as belonging to Elisa Maza’s father on Gargoyles! (He also voice-acted on Liberty’s Kids, but I couldn’t find out which character. Wait, he was in “The Turtle”? THAT’S THE EPISODE WHERE SARAH SAYS “GIVE US BLACK DICK AND WE’LL FEAR NOTHING”

OH MY GOD – IT’S COLLEGE ALL UP IN HERE RIGHT NOW)

Classic Conversation
Dude: It gave me the creeps.
Scully: … the “creeps”?
Dude: Yeah, the creeps. Don’t you ever get the creeps?

Oh, and while we’re talking about Spaceballs, I’m gonna put this here so I can easily retrieve it later, for when I send some taxpayers their forgotten passwords:

Watch or Skip
Skip, guys. I totally had this on as background noise.

Episode 1.20: “Darkness Falls”

Netflix Synopsis
A group of loggers working in a remote forest unearths thousands of deadly insect-like creatures that paralyze – and then cocoon – their victims.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Commercial Wood Harvesters find scary bugs that are afraid of the light.

Special Guest Star
Titus Welliver! You may know him as the Man in Black from the last few episodes of Lost (*shakes fist about that show, still*), but others may know him as Silas Adams from Deadwood! Yay!
(Also, he has hair here – it’s kind of weird.)
(Did Timothy Olyphant ever guest-star on The X-Files? or Ian McShane? Oh man — I can’t fucking wait)

Fashion Statement
Holy shit, Scully. Where did you get that jacket. Oh my god.

Also, later in the episode, she wears this:

(In real life – and in her defense – Gillian Anderson was pregnant with her first child at this time, and obviously, they couldn’t have Scully get knocked up, so … tried and true methods of really bad blousy tops!)

Classic Quote
Dude: The only crime to investigate here is the death of that tree.

Fun Fact!
The Mt. St. Helens eruption that Mulder discusses in this episode? Happened on May 18, 1980, which is the day after my parents married.     You’re welcome?

Watch or Skip
Only watch if you’re a die-hard Titus Welliver fan.

Episode 1.21: “Tooms”

Netflix Synopsis
Eugene Tooms, a supernatural killer whom Mulder helped incarcerate, is released on parole.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Creepy Squeezy Guy gets out on parole, eats his therapist, and then Mulder kills him in an amazing way. But in a way, it doesn’t even matte, because Skinner is trying to get Scully to get Mulder to return to the fundamentals of investigation.

MOTW/Mytharc
Technically MOTW, I guess? I mean, it’s our first sequel of sorts. But we also see the Cigarette Smoking Man, so there are hints of Mytharc about.

First Meetings
YOU GUYS

YOU GUYS

I promised y’all an ode, didn’t I?
(thank god odes don’t have to rhyme)

AN ODE TO WALTER SKINNER
by Alaina

O Skinner,
Protector, bureaucrat;
Assistant director to my heart.
Your honesty is a beacon through the shadowy darkness,
Much like light bouncing off your perfectly-shaven head.
Your feelings towards Mulder are the epitome of
An equal mixture of amusement and frustration.
Your spectacles shine like justice,
And your voice is dark, like tinted glass
You are fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack.
You tour the facility, and you pick up the slack.
You want the girl with the short skirt and the loooooooooong …. jacket.

… I realize that devolved into Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket.” I have no regrets.

YES, this is the first appearance of one Walter S. Skinner, Assistant Director of the FBI. Section Chief Blevins (who I don’t think we’ve seen since the pilot, to be honest) falls under his purview, and therefore, so do Mulder and Scully.

And look, if your only opinion of Skinner is formed off of this episode, PLEASE WAIT. Because I did not remember that Skinner was an absolute DICK in this episode. But he was. And also almost so far in the Cigarette Smoking Man’s pocket that he’s that loose dime that always gets stuck in the corner.

Just you wait – this man will become AWESOME.

Special Guest Star
Paul Ben-Victor, playing Tooms’s lawyer or doctor or whatever. Who’s this guy? Well, he was best-known to me as Stan from In Plain Sight, that show about U.S. Marshals that was on USA for five seasons. But if y’all had listened to me a couple of years ago and watched FDR: American Badass like I told you, y’all would realize that you’re currently looking at a much younger, less werewolfy Mussolini.

Scully’s Hair
Has become flatter and rounder.

Ships Ahoy!
This entire scene:
Mulder: They’re out to put an end to the X-Files, Scully. I don’t know why, but any excuse will do. I don’t really care about my record, but you’d be in trouble just sitting in this car. I’d hate to see you carry an official reprimand in your file because of me.
Scully: Fox …
Mulder: (sheepish) I … I even made my parents call me Mulder.
Scully: Mulder, I wouldn’t put myself on the line for anybody but you.
Mulder: If there’s an iced tea in that bag, it could be love.
Scully: Must be fate, Mulder: root beer.

Thing I Yelled At The TV
When Mulder traps Tooms under the escalator:
“Tooms had better fear and respect that escalator.”

Thing I Also Yelled At The TV
as Tooms gets caught in the escalator and dies horribly
“HIS PANTS GOT CAUGHT AND A BLOODBATH ENSUED!”

Watch or Skip
Watch this one. WATCH IT.

Next time on Project X: The end of Season 1! “Born Again,” “Roland,” and “The Erlenmeyer Flask.”

Shut up. Leave me and my quote-unquote “lateness” alone. I’ve been busy.

Episode 1.08: “Ice”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully are sent to investigate when a team of geophysicists stationed at a remote Alaskan outpost is killed by a parasitic alien life form.

Alaina’s Synopsis
It’s the one where they end up in Alaska with the guy from 24 and Mrs. H. Macy and paranoia ensues! It’s the alien worm thingee in the spine — wait, no, that was when Scully was giving birth. Maybe. But still! This is a great episode!

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week – I mean, it’s an ice tapeworm that lives in ammonia that makes people crazy-angry!

Special Guest Stars
Xander Berkeley, erstwhile of 24! Felicity Huffman, lately of that show that no one watched to my knowledge, American Crime! No slight against you, Felicity Huffman, because you’re amazing!

Also, wait — who’s the guy playing the pilot? Is that – is that Kralik, the evil vampire that had to battle Buffy in “Helpless”?
*imdb’s that shit*
HOLY SHIT IT IS OH GOD OH GOD

Mulder, You Precious Angel
as they’re all disrobing, attempting to see if anyone has been infected with the evil alien tapeworm:
“Before anyone passes judgment, may I remind you — we are in the Arctic.”

Ships Ahoy
I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to be played this way, but after they’ve locked Mulder in the closet because they think he’s infected with the evil alien tapeworm, and Scully goes in to inspect him for worms, and then he turns her around angrily and does the same thing, pushing her hair off her neck and rubbing her shoulders and back looking for the evil alien tapeworm? It’s … it’s a lot sexier than it sounds right there, trust me.

Classic Quote
We are not who we are.

Scully is a Badass, Haters to the Left
Kralik attempts to escape the ice pod or wherever they are, and brains Mulder with a jar and makes a run for it. Scully just fuckin’ tackles the fucker and nails him to the ground when no one else has the wherewithal to move.

Also, she tells everyone to Shut Up. For those counting, we’re at one. (full disclosure – I may have missed some. but I’m not going back to recount.)

Watch or Skip?
Definitely watch this one. Evil alien tapeworm aside, the paranoia running rampant in what is essentially a bottle episode amps up the creep factor.

Episode 1.09: “Space”

Netflix Synopsis
When a space shuttle mission is sabotaged, Mulder suspects it may be the work of an alien spirit that inhabits the body of a former Gemini astronaut.

Alaina’s Synopsis
… … oh, brother. This is a stupid one, isn’t it? I seem to remember hearing that this one is rather stupid.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the week.

Full Disclosure Moment
So basically, this whole episode is a setup to show how much Mulder loves space. We get it. He also idolizes this astronaut, Marcus Aurelius Whatshisface. But look, guys – they say “sabotage” and “saboteur” so much, I may have created …

Drinking Game!
I poured myself a Tom Collins and took a sip every time someone said “sabotage,” “saboteur,” or some other derivative. I may have also kept this in a tab and played it every once in a while: listen all of y’all it’s a sabotage!

Mulder, You Precious Angel
Just look at this face, as he gazes upon his childhood hero, Marcus Aurelius Whatshisface:

So precious.

Unbelievable Shit
That some mother out there thought that naming her son “Marcus Aurelius” was a good idea. I mean, it doesn’t even matter which Marcus Aurelius it is – either way, the playground must have suuuucked for little Marky.

Unexplainable Phenomena
The alien spirit that’s possessing Marcus Aurelius? Is White Pac-Man.

See?  See?!

Drinking Game Update
After Alaina’s 10th sip: OH GOD, how are there still 13 minutes left?!

Classic Quote
Mulder: Something weird is going on here, Scully.

Watch or Skip?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, unless you like polishing off a Tom Collins in under half an hour, there is NO NEED WHATSOEVER to watch this episode. If you decide to be brave and do Sabotage Shots, there are twelve of them. TWELVE.

SKIP THIS EPISODE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Episode 1.10: “Fallen Angel”

Netflix Synopsis
The future of the X-Files project is jeopardized after Mulder secretly infiltrates the government cover up of a UFO crash.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder investigates a possible UFO crash on his own, makes a new BFF named Max (they exchange friendship bracelets!) (no they don’t, but I think they wanted to), Max suffers seizures because he was abducted when he was 10 (or so Mulder thinks, because Max doesn’t actually remember); Max gets abducted again and then Mulder takes Max’s hat home because he really was a friend, guys, and then the X-Files almost gets shut down but Deep Throat (REMEMBER HIM?) (he’s also the one who sent Mulder to the UFO crash site in the fucking first place) overturns the decision so the X-Files isn’t cancelled yaaaay

MOTW / Mytharc?
Definitely Mytharc. Shadowy government, code words, hiding a crash site of a UFO, Deep Throat … all of the inner workings of an early Mytharc.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
Max tells Mulder that all of his (Max’s) buddies devoured the papers Mulder’s written under the pseudonym “F.M. Luder.” Mulder is astonished that Max and his buddies knew it was him (Mulder). Seriously, Mulder? Really? You’re supposed to be intelligent, dude! That is the stupidest pseudonym!

Ships Ahoy
Mulder’s friend Max introduces himself to the “enigmatic agent Scully” and extends a hearty handshake, while Mulder pushes Max away from her. Later, Mulder is seen to whisper to himself, “the enigmatic agent Scully,” with a soft smile. Oh, you.

Watch or Skip?
Skip, unless you want to see Mulder in a slightly darker black tactileneck.

Episode 1.11: “Eve”

HOLD ON, I NEED Y’ALL TO OPEN THIS IN ANOTHER TAB AND PLAY IT UNDERNEATH AS YOU READ THIS: clicky!

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully search for two girls who disappeared after their fathers were murdered in an identical fashion.

Alaina’s Synopsis
This plot is like if Orphan Black was merged with Dark Angel, and a dash of The Omen. Also, never trust twins on this show. Ever.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week, although it’s really Creepy Clones Of the Week.

Special Guest Stars
Harriet Sansom Harris plays the elder Eves. She was everywhere in the early 1990s. Some of you may remember her from Frasier as Dr. Crane’s agent, Bebe; she was on a very unwatched show called The Five Mrs. Buchanans that I’m pretty sure I was the only audience member; and more recently, she was Felicia Tilman on Desperate Housewives. But my sister will know her as Maggie Cutler from that video of The Man Who Came to Dinner starring Nathan Lane.

Thing I Didn’t Know About Myself
Mulder wearing glasses is apparently very attractive to me. Huh. Did not know that.

Thing I Yelled At The TV
At Mulder’s slide of an exsanguinated cow:
“THAT IS THE SAME COW!”

This cow will be important in approximately 98 episodes.

Classic Quote
Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully to see Eve 6.

Fun Fact!
The band Eve 6 took their name from this episode!

Watch or Skip?
It’s our first evil twins! You should watch this one.

Episode 1.12: “Fire”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully join forces with an inspector from Scotland Yard when a man with pyrokinetic powers stalks members of the British aristocracy.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder’s ex-girlfriend Phoebe comes over from Britain and basically makes him walk through fire for her, because she’s a bitch. Also, Crowley from Supernatural is there!

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week, in that a pyrokinetic is a “monster.”

First Meetings
– Mulder’s ex-girlfriend, Phoebe! Not that I think we see her ever again; just the fact that Mulder has a girlfriend who happens to be flesh and blood is rather new right now.

Special Guest Stars
Mark Sheppard, in his first television role! Woo hoo! Y’all may know him as the aforementioned Crowley on Supernatural, but he’s been on almost everything. He was Benedict Valda on Warehouse 13, Romo Lampkin on Battlestar Galactica … Badger on Firefly! But to me, he will always be Manservant Neville on Show of My Heart, The Middleman.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
His hair is so full of secrets! In this episode, we learn that Mulder is deathly afraid of fire, and also, he’s “cursed” with a photographic memory – his words.

Ships Ahoy
Scully nurses Mulder back to health after his smoke inhalation scare. Somehow he got down to his boxers… ?

That’s What She Said
Mulder: I was merely extending her a professional courtesy.
Scully: Oh, is that what you were extending?

Watch or Skip?
Watch it only for the moment when Mulder realizes he won the breakup. Also, though, Mark Sheppard is a delight.

Episode 1.13: “Beyond the Sea”

Netflix Synopsis
Scully believes that the psychic predictions of a death row inmate are the only hope in apprehending a vicious murderer.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Master Character Actor Brad Dourif uses “psychic” abilities to help Scully solve a a kidnapping and also resolve some daddy issues.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Neither, really. More of a character-building episode? This feels more like an episode designed to bring Scully closer to the fold of “believing.”

First Meetings
– Scully’s mom, Maggie!
– Scully’s brother, Bill!- Scully’s sister, Melissa!
– Scully’s father, Captain William Scully!

Sadly, Captain Bill Scully succumbs to a heart attack before the credits roll, leaving Scully – the Starbuck to her father’s Captain Ahab – distraught and adrift.

Also:
– Mulder gets shot for the first time! For those counting, we’re at one.

Special Guest Stars
BRAD DOURIF! Wormtongue from the Lord of the Rings movies, but also Doc Cochran from Deadwood! He masterfully plays Luther Lee Boggs, the death row inmate who Scully starts to believe is maybe actually psychic. (oh my god he’s so young here)

Scully’s Hair
Is less voluminous in this episode than we’ve seen recently. It’s probably in mourning.

Unexplainable Phenomena
Mulder calls Scully “Dana.” Repeatedly. I get that he thinks he’s being comforting, but it’s very weird.

Ships Ahoy
Mulder gently caresses Scully’s cheek as she bravely holds back her tears. He also pats her shoulder a couple of times to comfort her. you guys come on

That’s What She Said
Scully: I thought that you’d be pleased that I’d opened myself to extreme possibilities.

Classic Quote
Mulder: Dana, open yourself up to extreme possibilities, only when they’re the truth.

Everything is Hannibal and Everything Hurts
Serial killer behind bars, coded messages, kidnapped kid(s), daddy issues, Scully-as-Clarice … come on.

Scully is a Badass, Haters to the Left
She leads the team to catch the kidnapper (because Mulder’s currently residing in a hospital bed, recuperating from his flesh bullet wound), and she’s kicking down doors and letting dudes fall to their deaths left and right.

Watch or Skip?
Seeing as how this page in my notebook is the fullest, you had better watch this one. Brad Dourif, guys! COME ON

Episode 1.14: “Gender Bender”

Netflix Synopsis
A religious sect member capable of changing gender becomes the prime suspect in a murder spree.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A cult somehow has the power to switch genders and one of them – with super aphrodisiac touch powers – goes on a rumspringa of doom and murders a lot of people.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week.

Special Guest Stars
The town of Storybrooke, Maine!

(It’s a set outside of Vancouver. But hey, I’ve seen that town before!)

Also, we have —

First Meetings
– Nicholas Lea, playing a random dude victim! (we’ll meet him for reals later)

Wrap it Up, Alaina
I didn’t have much to say about this episode. Basically, the cult ends up being aliens anyway, what the fuck.

Watch or Skip?
Skip.

Next time, on Project X: “Lazarus,” “Young at Heart,” “E.B.E.,” “Miracle Man,” “Shapes,” “Darkness Falls,” and “Tooms.” And the introduction of four of our favorite characters!

What am I saying, the other three can be lame at times.

Guys. Guys. Guyyyyys….

skinner’s comin’ for y’all.

All right – here we go.

Episode 1.01: “Pilot”

Netflix Synopsis
Agent Dana Scully is instructed to debunk an FBI project dubbed “The X-Files,” paranormal cases that have been reopened by Agent Fox Mulder.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Scully meets Mulder for the first time, is almost immediately taken on a trip out to West Bumfuck, Oregon, at which point weird shit happens to their car and some dude may or may not have been abducted (note: not), and also Scully mistook mosquito bites for alien shit. Also, Scully and Mulder (platonically) shared a motel room, and thus, a Ship was born.

Monster of the Week (MOTW) or Mythological Episode (Mytharc)?
As it’s the Pilot, I’m going to call it “a little of both.”

First Meetings
LITERALLY ALMOST EVERYONE
– Dana Scully: who, in the Pilot, looks EXACTLY like Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling from the back. Scully is brought to the X-Files by …
– Section Chief Blevins: who wants Scully to debunk Mulder’s cockamamie X-Files theories so Mulder can get back to solving real crimes again.
– Also there’s CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN, smoking ominously in the background in a federal building, as one does.
– Don’t forget: Fox Mulder! Oxford-educated, he works in his basement office, constantly looking through the X-Files in the hope of learning about …
– Samantha Mulder’s abduction: Mulder’s driving force.

I also want to point out that we meet the following:
– Mulder’s Slide Carousel
– Mulder’s Sunflower Seeds
– Chryons (letting us know when and where we are, in neutral Courier New font)

Fashion Statements
Hol. Lee. Shit. Scully’s blazer. That’s not a blazer, that’s a dress. It’s not double-breasted, either – it’s like, Blade Runner-replicant triple-breasted, if that’s even a thing. What the fuck.
(from Alaina’s notes: thank god it burned in that motel fire)

Scully’s Hair
Shoulder-length bob, curled under, parted to the side. In the field, up in a ponytail. We won’t see it this long again until The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Unexplainable Phenomena
Bright lights, time loss, screwy compasses, disappearing teenagers, weird bumps that look like mosquito bites, unknown organic proteins; Scully’s plaid blazer that literally died in a fire

Unbelievable Shit
That their flight to Oregon from DC was that empty.

Ships Ahoy
Scully runs into Mulder’s motel room wearing her underwear and her robe, and disrobes in front of him because she’s worried some mosquito bites could be alien bites or something. Seriously – Chris Carter, how did you not think people would think they were doing it? Episode One, baby!

Classic Quote
Mulder: “Nobody down here but the FBI’s Most Unwanted.”

Everything is Hannibal and Everything Hurts
No, seriously, did you know that Clarice Starling was one of the points of inspiration for Dana Scully? This episode premiered about eighteen months after The Silence of the Lambs won big at the Oscars; it only makes sense that Dana Scully resembles Clarice.

Watch or Skip?
Watch. It’s the pilot, guys! You kind of have to.

Episode 1.02: “Deep Throat”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder and Scully go to … Iowa? maybe? to see what happened to this pilot that disappeared and then returned but his wife didn’t think he was the same person, and there have been UFO sightings in town near this base, WHAT A COINCIDENCE MULDER, and also, Seth Green was there.

MOTW or Mytharc?
Mytharc; a case could be made that this episode introduces the shadowy military-industrial complex that The X-Files uses so often.

First Meetings
– Credits sequence! Oh god — right in the feels!
– Deep Throat! played to hangdog perfection by Jerry Hardin, this is someone who works in the Department of Defense who befriends Mulder and feeds him information about DOD stuff that relates to the X-Files.
– Microfiche!
– Cell phones the size of a brick!

Special Guest Star
Seth Green! With long hair and full Nirvana grunge flannel. It’s like he stepped out of a Pearl Jam mosh pit and landed in Iowa or whatever.

Fashion Statements
The aforementioned Nirvana flannel on Seth Green and his girlfriend. Also, SCULLY.

THOSE GLASSES. And is that – is that a flower brooch? Oh honey, no.

Scully’s Hair
See the above photograph. As you can see, Season One Hair is much shorter than in the Pilot. It has a little bit of bounce, of curl, all shellacked down underneath a cloud of hairspray. It’s just long enough to pull into a short ponytail for the occasional autopsy, and we may see it in the occasional chignon for her very few and far between date nights. Basically, all the hair needs is to be jet black and it’s like Dark Helmet sans visor.

Dearest Dana Scully: I kid because I love and admire you. Don’t ever change, Season One Scully.

WAIT I FORGOT A FASHION STATEMENT
Mulder’s Running Outfit. Holy. Shit. Those short shorts. With holes. and the sweatshirt with the sleeves ripped off by bears, apparently. Oh dear god, early nineties fashion; you may very well be the death of me.

Unexplainable Phenomena
Military aircraft built out of UFO parts, so they don’t follow the laws of physics.

Ships Ahoy
In the above still, Scully’s waiting for Mulder at 2 in the afternoon in a bar in downtown Washington, DC. When he approaches her from behind (and to the left – HOLY SHIT CONSPIRACY), he leans in as if he was going to kiss her cheek, but she ~senses~ a presence and leans back just in time.

That’s What She Said
“… while they were routinely penetrating Russian airspace.”

Classic Quote
Scully: Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned —
Mulder: Ooh! “If you were that stoned,” what?

Watch or Skip?
As this episode introduces the shadowy government and Deep Throat, it’s worth the watch.

Episode 1.03: “Squeeze”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully search for a humanoid killer whose savage murder spree reoccurs every 30 years.

Alaina’s Synopsis
From my notes: “OH SHIT THIS IS THE ONE WITH THE GUY WHO LIVES IN THE WALLS NOOO WHY AM I WATCHING THIS ONE BEFORE BED AHH GOD”

MOTW or Mytharc?
Monster of the Week

First Meetings
– Eugene Victor Tooms! The guy who can squeeze into any space and kills people and eats their livers! He’s lived for over a hundred years between killing people and then hibernating! He’s wicked creepy and definitely should not be an episode you watch at midnight!

Special Guest Stars
Donal Logue as an Academy acquaintance of Scully’s, who has lunch with her in the beginning of the episode.

Fashion Statements
This is the episode where the shot in the credits of Mulder and Scully entering a room and waving their flashlights around comes from. So – mahogany plaid suit with fully-buttoned button-down for our girl Scully. Damn, girl – Season 5 cannot come soon enough for your wardrobe.

Scully’s Hair
Up in a chignon at some point.

Unexplained Phenomena
Why does the first dead guy have a carved wooden hippo on his desk?

Ships Ahoy
– Donal Logue calls Scully “Mrs. Spooky” at one point, referring to her partner at the X-Files. (Did I forget to mention Mulder’s nickname was “Spooky”? Fuck, I’m a terrible narrator. Mulder’s nickname at the Academy was “Spooky.” Also, the horse was blue.)
– In the police station, Mulder realigns Chekov’s Necklace – I mean, Scully’s Necklace; in doing so, he comes perilously close to second base.
(Seriously, I know I haven’t watched a lot of this show, but I don’t recall Scully wearing long necklaces ever. Maybe she stopped after the Tooms case because necklaces apparently lead serial killers directly to her apartment?)

Classic Quote
Scully: Mulder, I think it’s bile.
Mulder: Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?

Everything is Hannibal and Everything Hurts
The location of this episode was Baltimore, Maryland.
The victims had their livers removed.HANNIBAL RUTHERFORD LECTOR WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING

Watch or Skip?
Watch, most definitely.

Episode 1.04: “Conduit”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder becomes obsessed with solving a case that closely parallels an “encounter” he experienced as a child.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A kid goes missing similar to how Samantha went missing, Mulder and Scully investigate, the kid brother starts drawing in binary and it turns out it was all a teenage runaway story. Also, Scully invades Mulder’s privacy by listening to the tapes of his regression hypnosis therapy.

MOTH/Mytharc?
Mostly Mytharc, what with all the emoting about Samantha and whatnot.

Fashion Statements
Scully sports a hunter green velvet blazer over a dark purple sweater. She looks like a leprechaun.
— OH WAIT! Houndstooth suit with black collar tips! There you are, old friend!

Ships Ahoy
The NSA barge into Scully’s motel room in the middle of the night … looking for Mulder.

Classic Quote
Mulder: “I want to believe.”

Watch or Skip?
If you’re a purist? Probably watch. If  you’re okay getting to the better parts? Feel free to skip.

Episode 1.05: “The Jersey Devil”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully track a legendary creature that has roamed the New Jersey countryside for over 40 years.

Alaina’s Synopsis
“Holy shit, Scully goes on a date.” Also, there’s a — THERE’S A CANNIBAL ON THE LOOSE HOLY SHIT BUCKLE UP KIDS THE HANNIBAL GLOVES ARE COMING OFF

MOTW/Mytharc?
ooohhhhh Monster of the Week.

First Meetings
– Mulder’s pornography!
– Scully’s biological clock!

Special Guest Star
Who the hell is the guy playing Scully’s date? **goes to IMDB** Oh, he’s —

lit’rally? been in everything.
*scrolls further*
Aw, he was the dad on Reaper! I loved that show!

Fashion Statements
Scully’s wearing a collar pin. This is not a drill.

Scully’s Hair
The hair is more windblown than in episodes past; but maybe she was just rushing to get to the basement office to keep Mulder from abusing himself in a federal building.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
The motel he chose in Atlantic City? The Galaxy Gateway.

Ships Ahoy
– Scully’s friend thinks she (Dana) should date Mulder.
– Scully’s mouth twitches in pride when Mulder praises her as a prestigious medical doctor to the detective in charge of the case.

Classic Quote
Lead Detective: I got a perpetrator out there. Whether it’s Hannibal the Cannibal [[ed.: (c) Frederick Chilton]] or Elmer Fudd, I’ve got a job: to protect people.

Watch or Skip?
I mean … I put it high on the Watch list, only because there are some funny parts and EVERYTHING IS HANNIBAL. is it mandatory? Probably not.

Episode 1.06: “Shadows”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully investigate the deaths of two men believed to have been killed by a powerful psychokinetic force.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Someone created a ghost that can kill people with her brain. Or something.

MOTW/Mytharc?
Monster of the Week.

Fashion Statement

Please see above. Oh, Scully.  (That’s a dark green suit with a pumpkin orange blouse, and white hose. OH THE HUMANITY.)

Ships Ahoy
Mulder wants to take Scully to see the Liberty Bell. Sadly, this aired well before Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby went and licked the Liberty Bell, and maybe I’m reaching, but guys – you want to date me? A midnight trip to lick the Liberty Bell will get you to at least second base.

There’s a joke I could make right there about your dick not being a Liberty Bell, even though it’s got a crack in it, but then I remembered that my mother may read this, so I’m going to refrain.

Whoops.  (sorry Mom)

Classic Quote
Mulder: I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.

Watch or Skip?
SKIP. Holy Hell, skip this one. I totally tuned out of this one.

Episode 1.07: “Ghost in the Machine”

Netflix Synopsis
On Halloween, Mulder and Scully investigate the death of a corporate executive who may have been murdered by a thinking computer.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder and Scully investigate the second coming of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It ends just about how you’d expect.

MOTW/Mytharc?
Monster of the Week. Er … technological monster of the week, that is.

Fashion Statements
Scully’s ankle-length pants and heels. Yikes, honey.

Unexplainable Phenomena
Mulder’s interacting with people outside of his office at the breakfast cart? What? Mulder knows people? There are other people in the basement? Has my entire life been a lie?

Horrible Irony
That the name of the evil computer is abbreviated C.O.S., and that its brain scan images bring to mind some iconic sweaters from a certain 80s TV show.

Scully is a Badass, Haters To the Left
Basically John McClane-ing her way through the air ducts, shooting out the motors of fans to keep her from being sliced like proscuitto, and shoving her gun in a Dept. of Defense agent’s face. DANA SCULLY: FUCK YEAH

Watch or Skip?
You can skip this one. For a better “Computer Controls Everything” episode, might I recommend “Treehouse of Horror XII,” wherein Pierce Brosnan voices the evil computer house that falls in love with Marge and tries to kill Homer with the sweet, sweet scent of unexplained bacon?

Join us next week for “Ice,” “Space,” “Fallen Angel,” “Eve,” “Fire,” “Beyond the Sea,” and “Gender Bender.” I hope to be caught up to the rest of y’all in about a week, but we’ll see. I have … things to do.

Y’all should know by now that I have a problem with consuming media. (My mother, upon reading this sentence, will roll her eyes and entreat me to tell her something she doesn’t already know.) Between the Breaking Bad marathon, the fact that my Netflix list is about 700 items long (an actual exaggeration), and all my Hannibal — well, “Hannibal-ing,” for lack of a better term (“Hanniballing” is something I’d like to do, all night every night HEYOOO), clearly, television is a very important part of my life.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, by the way. My outside life is very full. But I digress.

With the advent of having Netflix available on my TV – thanks, Blu-Ray Player With Streaming Capabilities That I Have Not Yet Named! – I can now consume media from My Spot On the Couch. Since Christmas, I have watched 30 Rock and Bojack Horseman all the way through, rewatched Bob’s Burgers twice, and am currently in season 5 of Parks and Recreation. I plan a big rewatch project every year (maybe Alias will be next year, you guys), but this year? I may actually achieve it.

I bring you … Project X.

GUYS. The X-Files is coming back. This is awesome on so many levels.

I was *mumblemu* — you know? Fuck it. I was ten when The X-Files premiered. Being a rather sheltered kid growing up, I would not have been allowed to watch it even if I had shown an interest wanting to watch it. I was – and still am, in certain cases – a bit of a scaredy-cat, and the idea of watching a show about things that go bump in the night would have given me nightmares. But as my tastes evolved from the likes of Step by Step and Boy Meets World (and The Simpsons, because by that time Mom had given up on trying to keep me and my sister from watching them with Dad), the show’s popularity grew.

It wasn’t until I was in eighth grade – the spring of 1997 – that I started to get interested in The X-Files. My good friends Beth and Amelia were super-into the show, and I finally said “heck with it!,” and started to watch some of the reruns on UPN. (GUYS – remember UPN!?)

I am 95% sure that the first episode I ever saw was “Small Potatoes.” I seem to recall watching that and the slide into “Gesthemene” within a couple of months, before freshman year started. (I remember Beth being devastated after watching “Gethsemene” when it aired, and I had to know what happened. That may have been the true impetus for me getting involved with the show.) When season 5 began in my freshman year, I would watch them on my tiny TV in my bedroom with the lights off, because that’s what made the most sense.

And then, on February 22, 1998 – my life changed. Because on that night, “Bad Blood” aired. And I have yet to find another episode of television that touches my heart as much as “Bad Blood” continues to do.

I mean, “Mizumono” left scars on my heart that have yet to heal, so — totally different animal, there.

But I’ll talk about “Bad Blood” later. (and if i ever figure out how to make those fanvids on the youtubes, there will be a fanvid of “bad blood” set to Taylor Swift’s hit single “Bad Blood” and it will be EPIC)

So here’s what I’m going to do – The X-Files’ official internet presence is conducting a rewatch of all 201 episodes. It began last week, and if one is able to keep up, the rewatch will bring one right up to the premiere of the limited series next winter. I am going to attempt to follow along, and make a handy-dandy cheat sheet for each episode, so I can be reintroduced to the show all over again and maybe, inspire some of my readers to join in.

As you can probably imagine: I’m already behind.

Unlike my normal Movies Alaina’s Never Seen entries, Project X will be comparatively, blessedly short in scope. I plan to do a weekly post of seven eps, with the barest of depth: the episode summary from Netflix, Special Guest Stars, Mytharc or Monster of the Week, Classic Quotes, things like that. Depth will probably show up in introducing major characters (Krycek; there will be an epic ode devoted to Skinner, I’m sure), but then there will be other topics like, Ships Ahoy, wherein I point out all the places where Mulder and Scully were totally doing it (or people on the show thought they were doing it), or Fashion Statements, or Can Alaina Tie This Into Hannibal? Yes She Can!

Hopefully, by the end of Project X, you too will be able to tell what season the episode is in just by looking at Scully’s hairstyle.

I think it’s going to be fun! Also, I’m now taking bets to see how many episodes I watch before I give up. Hopefully it’ll be episode 201, but I’m not sure, my stamina’s not the greatest. But at the end of the day —