Category Archives: Alaina Rants On

I’M BACK BABY!

I mean but no, let’s be real, I haven’t written in this blog in over two years, I’m probably only going to write this one entry and then move on and the rate I’m going I’ll NEVER finish Project X, so anyway, let’s be thankful that I still pay for the domain name for this site so I have an outlet to rant on movies and TV in bigger space than my Facebook or Instagram stories allow.

So. CATS.

Y’all; I severely dislike Andrew Lloyd Webber. I’m sure there is merit to Phantom and maybe Jesus Christ Superstar (is that the one he did? Or was it Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?), but I have not enjoyed them. Neither have I enjoyed Evita, or anything else this man has been responsible for.

I love Sunset Boulevard, the film directed by Billy Wilder; I haven’t watched it in a while, because I tend to only watch it when I’m extremely depressed (it makes me feel better – because no matter how badly my life is going, at least I didn’t shoot my gigolo in the back), and … I haven’t been extremely depressed enough to watch it? (VICTORY? I mean, I’ve been depressed enough to not watch any prestige TV in about three years [with the exceptions of Mr. Robot, which I am slogging my way through currently and also Better Call Saul, which I love SO MUCH BETTER than Breaking Bad that I am astounded every year – but I digress] and all I’ve read pretty much are romance novels and light literature.)

ANYWAY, back to Sunset Boulevard – a few years ago, Maine State Music Theater put on a production of Sunset Blvd, the musical, and I left at intermission because the musical sucked

It wasn’t the performances, it was just the sing-through of it all, and the happy peppy numbers where Sunset Boulevard is dark, man, and I just – I NOPE’d my way out at intermission AND NEVER FELT GUILTY ABOUT IT

I saw CATS once; it was also at Maine State Music Theater (what? it’s not like I jaunt down to NYC every time I want to see a play); and I remember two things:

1. I was constantly hitting my head on my chair back because I was BORED AF; and
2. I maintained that Magic Mr. Mistofelees should have been dancing to “The Final Countdown.”

I did not want to go see CATS: The Musical: The Movie. There was nothing in it for me to go see it. The plot of CATS is stupid, Andrew Lloyd Webber is stupid, this whole THING is stupid, Tom Hooper hasn’t directed anything good since The King’s Speech, and have I mentioned that things are STUPID

But then – then – the reviews came out.

Reviews like this one:

And these:

And this one:

And then my coworker Bill informed me that the special effects and CGI were unfinished when sent to theaters originally, and so the studio was sending a patch to fix it.

And that’s when I decided that, fuck it, I needed to see this movie. Again, not because of the movie itself, or any thoughts of allowing it to change my mind, and definitely not because I thought it was going to be marginally okay; no, I needed to be able to say I saw the unpatched CATS in theaters and survived.

I’m also a masochist.

On Christmas Eve, 2019, I braved the movie theater and went to see CATS. When I came out, I was stunned. (You can watch it on my Instagram story highlight on my profile.)

In addition to the notes I typed in the theater (which I’ll include later), I decided I needed to record my immediate reaction to the movie, because they would be lost otherwise. So I put Bruce the Car into gear, stuck my microphone earbud in, and hit the camera/video app to record.

What follows is the transcript of my fifteen minute rant immediately following CATS. I tried to punctuate it to better capture my vocal range and volume, but I am writing this in words, not music score, so; if you want to hear it for real (I can’t upload video into this blog – it costs money and also it’s fifteen minutes long), lemme know and I’ll drop the rant into your GoogleDrive.

Okay. I am attempting to record my audio thoughts using my handheld device, so I am breaking aaalll sorts of laws right now, but um –

[strangled voice] Everything we read was true about this movie! – it is an eldritch horror! – there are SO many questions! Um –

WHY IS THERE A RAILWAY CAT What on EARTH does a CAT have to do with a railway? What is the scale of this movie? Three cats can fit on a railway tie to TAP DANCE and don’t!-even-get-me-started! on why is there TAP?! in this GODDAMNED MUSICAL? And then, it only takes like, one cat to fill a bed? What the ff—WHAT THE FUCK

Um, I am not sure about the rumor about, “Well, if you’re watching the unpatched version, you can tell because Judi Dench’s wedding ring wasn’t altered.” Okay, but here’s the thing – all of the cats? have human hands and human feet. —– Why??? Whyy – do cats have human hands and human feet? And some are wearing sneakers?! There are breakdancing cats and they’re wearing sneakers. And then there’s the Railway Cat tap-dancin’, with tap shoes, I don’t –

Uuuuuhhh, let’s see. It is true that all of the cats are entirely too horny. It’s just – it’s just …. very disturbing. It’s – it’s – like, first of all. I –

It has been a long time since I’ve had two cats together. I have a single cat right now. Butterscotch and Tina, my two cats that I had when I was a child, living with my parents, because I was a child, um – they didn’t express affection against each other by rubbing heads. My cat will bump his head up against my forehead as a form of expression, but it is weird to see two cats do that? Mainly because I don’t think I’ve ever seen it outside of like, The Lion King? But secondly, it’s really fuckin’ awkward when two humans with cat ears are doing it to each other, y’just – I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to leave? But I couldn’t! Because I had to pay money for it, and I needed to see it through.

Although I totally did put my headphones in and listen to music at times. There is no amount of money that you can pay me to sit there and WILLFULLY listen to fuckin’ Mr. fuckin’ Mistofelees. I STILL SAY he should be singing to “The Final Countdown,” and I UNDERSTAND that CATS was written before Arrested Development, but GODDAMMIT if Taylor Swift can write a song about “Beautiful Ghosts,” which also, WHAT THE FUCK, I mean –

WHY. WHY GHOSTS. Do cats know what ghosts are, Taylor? Do they? They CLEARLY don’t understand about the afterlife, so why would they even know what a GHOST IS?! I just – – oh man, I just – I just! I. JUST.

[DEEP EXHALE] Okay. Um – wow, was that all one breath, Alaina? [ANOTHER DEEP EXHALE] Okay. Um, what else. What else was there.

OH! Okay. So – so these are humans, these are human people, wearing, like, green screen suits, I guess, and then, CGI’d later to look like animal – like cat fur, cuz, y’know, they’re supposed to be cats? UM, I have many questions.

First of all, why do some cats get to wear fur coats? Like, actual coats of fur, and – are they the coats of people that they’ve killed? I mean – and by “people” I mean other cats? Or are they other animals? And if it’s other animals, like – there were mice, that were, um, with –

FIRST OF ALL THE MICE? HAD FACES TOO, they were ALSO HUMANS and they were ALSO CHILDREN! And I don’t – I – I – I am really disturbed! Um, so okay, but the fur coats – are they, are they mice coats? Are they moleskins? I know I asked this question once in my Instagram but the question still stands and I don’t have answers!

OH! At one point Taylor Swift is dancing with Idris Elba and they have both been CGI’d to be the same size and proportion. THINK ABOUT THAT! THINK ABOUT THAT! Idris Elba can compete against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in terms of size and proportion and he and Taylor Swift are now THE SAME BODY. THAT’S HOW WEIRD THIS SHOW IS, and by show I mean movie. Um – I mean, that’s just clearly wrong! Why would you have Idris Elba, be the same size, as TAYLOR SWIFT?!

Taylor Swift sang in a British accent. What the fuck. For fuck’s sake. Whose – that was Taylor Swift’s idea, wasn’t it? And Tom Hooper was just like, “Oh, sure, fine.” Did Tom Hooper know that she’s not from Britain? Did she pretend? Was it – why would she be singing in a British accent – be –

[here’s the part where I wanted to point out that there were other actors singing in American accents to prove my point, but then remembered that Rebel Wilson is from Australia and James Corden is British, so my argument fell apart and I trailed off]

I don’t understand. It’s not necessary. It’s really not necessary.

Um. [sing-song] What else, what else, what ellllssse? OH, going back to the whole, skin-suit thing. Okay, so: skin suit, with cat fur CGI’d onto it, human hands human feet, some get to wear coats. But then, there are a lot of the time, it looks like there was a human, and then they, like, Face/Off’d a different person’s face onto that other person human – [here’s where I realized I just jumbled my words and fucked the description up so I try to save face] –‘s body? So the face wasn’t moving in time with the body, and it was really, really unnerving. Like, Face/Off had better CGI. I just want to put that out there, and it has been a good two decades since I’ve watched Face/Off. But it is – Face/Off had better technology.

[Realization hits]

Mainly, because Nic Cage was playing John Travolta and vice versa. Okay, I understand the point now, but – do you understand what I’m saying? IT’S OFFPUTTING! It LOOKS WEIRD!

So there was that. Oh – it is true that when they CGI’d everybody’s like, dance shoes out? It looks like they’re floating. The dancers – the actors. So clearly, they were dancing on a stage, probably wearing shoes, I doubt they were barefoot, even if they were barefoot, I mean, good for you. But then they had to be CGI’d and then placed on, like, a cobblestone street, and the cobblestone street isn’t flat, so they look like they’re floating. There’s that.

I don’t know who did Jennifer Hudson’s makeup, but they should be fired because it looks like they gave her lip implants on the bottom lip only, and that’s just wrong.

Ian McKellen was the only one who knew what movie he was in. Which makes sense, because Ian McKellen is a god. Um, but like, he actually made me believe he was a cat, and not just a human told to act like a cat? or a human told to dance like a ballerina or a dancer and they’ll be turned into a cat later?

Rebel Wilson and James Corden were the — — — well, I guess they weren’t the worst part of the movie, but it was really really bad. Um – clearly, they realized that you can’t just adapt CATS without also needing dialogue to explain what the fuck is going on in that fuckery, so they created dialogue and then gave it to James Corden and Rebel Wilson in the form of STUPID, STUPID JOKES. Like, “Cat got your tongue.” Or, “oh, I guess the cat’s outta the bag” uuuhhhhhhh

Oh and I was really really mad that they – at one point in my notes I was like, “oh my god, they’re turning the ballerina cat into a FUCK a CAT BURGLAR GODDAMMIT”, I just, really? You had to go there?

So, I don’t remember if the character of Victoria is from the play or not, or if she was just added there because unlike a real production of CATS and that term is used loosely, um, there’s no audience, and so she’s like the audience’s … entryway? into what the fuck is going on? I can’t remember the term of it, but you know what I mean. [Note From The Future: the word you were searching for, Alaina, was “proxy”.] Anyway, all she did was follow every other cat around and stare bug-eyed at them. And then, she sang a little bar of “Memory,” and then she also sang the Taylor Swift song about “Beautiful Ghosts”

which AGAIN, do cats know about the afterlife? Cuz they’re convinced they’re going to something called the Heaviside Layer, and I don’t think they understand that means that THEY DIE. Like, that’s the point. The cats die, and then they get another life, until they reach their nine, or, if you’re Judi Dench playing Old Deuteronomy, 99, apparently? Um, but like – do cats know about ghosts? I know that some cats see ghosts in real life.

And they’re referring to the other … cats – I will not say what type of cats they are, because I don’t like that word, it’s really weird. [sigh] The Andrew Lloyd Webber slur for “angelical”, you get me? – what was I saying. OH, but the song, y’know, “dancing with the beautiful ghosts,” you’re referring to the other cats that are currently alive. That’s just bitchy.

Oh, there was a thing I wanted to say about the whole, Andrew Lloyd Webber of it all, I think, I don’t know. I can’t remember. I’ve lost steam. I’ve been ranting for a good eleven minutes. So. Um. I will add to this, probably? Definitely going to record some Instagram shit, and uh, I can’t look at my notes and drive and record at the same time. Like I said, breaking three laws. So um… I guess I’ve talked that rant out of me, until I remember something else.

[NO TIME ELAPSES]

OH DID I MENTION THERE WAS A BABY IN THE THEATRE

Like, so I’m sitting in the very back row, knowing I am going to be a complete asshole during this entire experience. I’m going to be Tweeting, I will be putting my headphones in to block out the sound of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s synths, I am not going to sit anywhere close to the screen where people can see the light, it’s fine, I’ll sit in the back. And uh, just before like, the trailers start – which, by the way, Regal Cinema needs to tone their fucking trailers down. There were like, seven. The one for the new Troll movie seriously made me think my Twix bites were laced with Molly. I don’t know what the fuck that is, power to every single parent who has to take their child to that, because, holy shit, that’s just a … glitter bomb fuck orgy. I don’t know what it is, but it’s, it’s wrong. I’ll tell you that much, it’s fuckin’ wrong.

And then, halfway through the trailers, they show a fucking commercial for Walmart? Get – this is why people don’t go to the movies anymore, Movie Theaters, you charge eleven dollars to see fucking CATS, and then you make us sit through seven trailers and four commercials before showing the actual goddamned travesty of a film that we paid MONEY to go see. This is why we’re going to Netflix. If you told me I could pay $10 a month and see movies without the fucking commercials and maybe three trailers? I would do that! But ya can’t, cuz ya suck!

Where was I going with that? OH, so, even before the trailers show up, I’m like, “all right, good, I’ve got three rows between me and the next group of people, they’ve been looking at me, they’re probably thinking ‘yeah, she’s here to make fun of it,’ that’s cool.” I swear I heard them laughing a little bit, but then this fucking family comes in, and I see at least one child, and I’m like, oh, no. This is bad. Pour one out for this family, who’s bringing a child to see CATS on Christmas Eve, and I mean, this kid was definitely under the age of ten. So, he will have nightmares. He will be traumatized from this.

And then, as I’m sitting there, I realize, Oh FUCKING SHIT, they brought a FUCKING BABY. Like, okay, I understand, that the parents probably needed to get away, and they couldn’t find a babysitter. It’s Christmas fucking Eve, I get that. I GET THAT. But like, a baby?! To CATS?! There were – that child is going to be traumatized and not know WHY!

I should really stop recording because I think I’ve forgot to take the brights off of, three different cars as I’m driving down this back road, but, I mean, SERIOUSLY, that kid is going to be – he will NEVER have a cat, and he’s not going to understand why. I’ll tell ya why, it’s because your parents brought you to CATS when you were of a formative brain-making age, that’s why. I just …

[sigh] Okay, I talked a rant out again. Yeah, so, um, there was a baby. In CATS. And I kinda want to buy him therapy for the rest of his life. Of course, now I have an even better reason to go to a therapist. “I have anxiety. Also, I subject myself to shit that I have no need to. I paid money to see CATS, knowing it was going to be absolute shit! But I did it anyway, because I’m a masochist. UNPACK THAT FOR ME, DOCTOR.”

[Long sigh]

Okay. All right, I think I’m truly done. I’m gonna hit stop. This has been “Alaina Watches Cats: The Rant.” Merry fucking Christmas.

As I was sitting in the back of the theater as I watched this … monstrosity, I was able to take notes. Some of these were included in my rant but some were not.

WHAT THE FUCK CATS

• FIRST OF ALL fuck that human for chucking the bag with the cat in it(*)
• Also yeah I have headphones in for when the music gets real bad
• It’s like they photoshopped other people’s faces on other actors and then uncanny valleys them
• The faces don’t move with the rest of their bodies
• I made it 2 minutes, I’m listening to music
• Their necks are entirely too long
• Why does Idris Elba need to wear a fur coat and a hat
• WHY DO THE MICE HAVE FACES AND WHY ARE THEY CHILDREN
• THE COCKROACHES ALSO HAVE HUMAN FACES
• Rebel Wilson’s skin has a zipper to reveal ANOTHER SKIN with a cabaret outfit???
• The actors were dancing in a green screen studio and then pasted onto an uneven cobblestone IT IS SO BAD
• All the cats walk on their hind legs like humans except Grizzabella the glamour cat who is MAJORLY SLUT-SHAMED WTF
• I didn’t think it was possible to make James Corden be more ridiculous. I WAS WRONG.
• I love how the screenwriter fucking knew that this POS needed some new dialogue to attempt to explain WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON but kept the dialogue appropriately SHITTY
• Cat got your tongue
• Look what the cat dragged in
• Why does Idris Elba keep saying ineffable? THE FUCK
• Now the ballerina cat is being taught … GODDAMMIT A CAT BURGLAR JOKE WHAT THE FUCK
• I am so angry right now
• Now the ballerina cat is sharing A LOOK with the illusionist cat and holy shit I do not need to see a cat romance
• Are they putting in a plot? With the Idris Elba kidnapping the annoying cats and putting them on a barge?
• Ian McKellen knows what movie he’s in
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE CHOREOGRAPHY MAKES IT LOOK LIKE ALL THE CATS ARE SPRAYING
• A lot of this dance sequence is like how Chandler Bing describes Riverdance
• WHY DO THE BREAKDANCING CATS NEED SNEAKERS
• Who the fuck did Jennifer Hudson’s lip makeup and why did that person think she needed lip implants
• IN THE BOTTOM LIP
• So these cats have human hands and human feet …?
• Fuck off Tom Hooper there’s no fucking reason to show Jennifer Hudson’s runny nose
• Ian McKellen absolutely knows what movie he’s in
• The basket Judi Dench is lounging in is crazy
• Oh god the meowing the meowing
• Judi Dench just raised her leg what the everloving fuck
• Okay I have many questions
• Why are cats wearing tap shoes
• Why is there a tap break in this travesty
• I don’t think there’s such a thing as a railway cat
• The scale is all wrong – first these cats are so small three can fit on a railroad tie but now one takes up an entire human bed
• That cat just spun himself up into the air and then disappeared
• No one warned me that Taylor Swift was singing with a British accent for fuck’s sake
• Okay but Idris Elba is clearly not a Ginger cat in this production
• Why does Taylor Swift have boobs and high heels
• Idris Elba and Taylor Swift are the same fucking size and proportion as cats
• Idris Elba bringing his Hobbs and Shaw Black Superman energy to this gig
• Is Memory supposed to be sung while choking back tears
• [this last directed to the baby in the theater] I feel ya, kid.

That’s it. That’s everything. That’s everything that spewed out of me within the first thirty minutes of seeing CATS: The Musical: The Movie. I don’t think there’s any need for any additional “reviewing”. I originally wanted to go to see if I could channel Addison DeWitt for a scathing review, but … no. This … this broke Addison DeWitt. This movie can only be reviewed in FIRE RAGE TONES of disbelief and anger, and … isn’t FIRE RANGE and disbelief and anger the essential essence of CATS anyway?

My poor, poor neglected movie blog.  I promise, I will soon get back to the Insomniac Theatre routine (although my definition of “insomniac” has changed slightly, seeing as how I rarely stay up past midnight, let alone into the wee hours of the morning anymore) and the List.  But first, there’s been a lot of discussion about this film, and one of my friends (Sarah – YOU GUYS ALL KNOW SARAH) said she would be interested in my take on this topic, and while I admit that I’m now pretty much two weeks behind the curve, I’ve never let an opportunity to rant and/or ramble pass me by.

I saw Maleficent on opening night — Dad and I were supposed to go see The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but when Maleficent opened, Spidey’s evening showings mysteriously disappeared, so he and Mom and I went to see Maleficent instead. I had been wary of seeing Maleficent since I heard of its inception (referenced handily here in the middle of this entry at my reading blog), and I have to say that my gut instinct turned out to be right, because after the first twenty minutes, I realized how the story was gonna end up, and I may have sat through the rest of the film like this:

Backstory time!  I grew up with a lot of Disney movies, many of which were recorded off of our free Disney channel weekends purchased legally at the Disney Store before it went out of the business of Disney memorabilia.  One of my favorites was Sleeping Beauty.  I can’t exactly pinpoint why I watched it over and over — it may have had something to do with being on the same VHS as the Disney-channel-recorded … NO it was on the same VHS as The Great Muppet Caper!  THAT’S why I watched it so much, I freaking love that movie!

Anyway, Reasons Why I Love Sleeping Beauty: Phillip was the first prince to have a personality (and actual dialogue, to my knowledge, though I bet if anyone could confirm that it would be mine and Sarah’s friend Brian [who I follow on Twitter], who watched all of the Disney animated movies in about a year), and his horse had a personality too!  (I suppose one could argue that the friendship between Phillip and Samson was one of the first Bromances I ever encountered). The fairies were both sweet and smart, but Merryweather was the best one, and if you disagree, I will fight you.  (I may still say “I still think what I thunk before” because of this movie, and no, even the grammar nerd in me won’t apologize for that.)  I mean come on — tell me Aurora looks better in the pink than in the blue. I dare you.

But most of all, there was Maleficent.

Look at her – talk about having grace and beauty; I wish had her posture.  And in this still, she looks like she’s just a normal fairy, showing up to give her present to the baby.  I mean, clearly a woman with that headpiece and letting her raven perch on her walking stick maybe isn’t the nicest person in the world, and sure, when she arrives she shows up in a lightning bolt and a burst of fierce wind, but it’s not like she storms in and starts mowing people down like Voldemort or some other villain that I wish I could think of in this moment.  She’s almost serene in her evil.

Basically, I loved Maleficent.  I loved how delightfully evil she was.  I loved how she stood up for what she believed in, and by gum, she believed that that little baby should die.

… y’know, reading this?  Might make me seem twisted.  I’m kind of okay with that.  I mean, I probably get it from my mother (DON’T WORRY MOM THIS ISN’T A BAD THING), because I can distinctly remember hearing my mother comment once that, while she definitely does not condone her actions, she would have loved to have played Cruella De Vil in something, because playing a character that delightfully evil has to be the most fun thing in the world.

Because to me, what makes Maleficent so amazing and special is not just that she’s evil; it’s that she revels in it.  Check out her gleeful grin at Stefan’s horrified face after she curses Aurora!  After capturing Prince Phillip she tells him a wonderful little fairy tale about true love that, oops, spoiler alert, he’s not going to experience because when he finally goes to save the princess, he’s going to be like a hundred years old, so have fun with that relationship! She’s so happy once everything goes her way that she tells her raven, “For the first time in sixteen years, I shall sleep well.”  I have hungered after that type of sleep my entire life.

So my unconditional love of Maleficent as a character has been with me since childhood.  And when I first heard that Disney was capitalizing on the success of the Tim Burton-helmed Alice in Wonderland by revisiting the origins of Maleficent, I … became wary, to say the least.

What Tim Burton did for the latest Alice in Wonderland wasn’t an origins story: it was a continuation.  And I know that there are people who weren’t a fan of it for whatever reasons, but because it was a new story, built on the foundations of both the 1951 animated movie and the Lewis Carroll novellas, I could separate my enjoyment of both the original movie and the books from my enjoyment of the Tim Burton movie.  Full disclosure: I didn’t hate it.  I didn’t love it and it didn’t become one of my top ten favorite movies of all time (I should really post about that at some point; it would probably explain a lot of things), but I did buy it when I found it for five bucks a couple of years ago.  I’ve even watched the DVD since I bought it, which is fairly high praise.

But I was afraid that by showing us the origins of Maleficent, we would see that there was a reason behind the curse on Aurora, beyond just not being invited to the party.  And I was very afraid that they would humanize Maleficent.  I hoped that the tale would be told in the way that I remembered it: that okay, maybe she has a reason for wanting a baby dead – that will at least get her to the christening to bestow the curse.  But at the end the fairies and Phillip would try to defeat her and she’d turn herself into a dragon and then Phillip would kill the dragon and maybe she’d get redemption through death (which is one of my favorite tropes EVER.  See: Severus Snape; Jack Bristow; Jack Shepherd; possibly some other Jack; and I hope Regina on Once Upon a Time, even though I do NOT want her to die EVER NEVER EVER because that character is amazing, but because that scene will just make me want to claw my eyes out in grief.).

Needless to say, I was disappointed.

In this film, Maleficent starts out as a nice fairy.  And one day, Stefan stumbles into the fairy world and they become friends, which is kind of forbidden because humans and fairies don’t really mix.  Over time, she falls in love with Stefan, and it’s possible that the affection is returned.  However, Stefan’s ambition overpowers his depth of feeling, because when the dying king asks for revenge on the fairy that so handily handed his army’s ass to them on a silver platter, Stefan goes marching into Fairyland, drugs Maleficent, is going to kill her, but instead, decides to just cut off her wings.

And look, pretend you’re me: you’re watching this movie, and it’s starting out kind of slow and sappy, and then – BOOM! – rape metaphor.  If there is ANYTHING that is going to vindicate Maleficent’s downward slide (or upward climb, depending on your perspective) into evil and vengeance, THAT IS IT. So for a brief moment, I actually had some hope that maybe the film wouldn’t completely defame her character by giving her a sappy side.  Because look: if I were a fairy and some … god, I wish the English language had words for the type of awful, horrible human being Stefan was in that instance (bless you Tina Fey/Liz Lemon, but fungdark really doesn’t even come close) drugged me and cut off my wings, leaving me mutilated beyond repair? You can bet your ASS that I’d want to wreak vengeance on him, on his descendants – a pox on his house wouldn’t even begin to cover it.

(And I know that the sins of the father shouldn’t transfer to the children, but seriously: rape metaphor with mutilation. Tell me you wouldn’t at least consider it.)

So I’m sitting there, actually anticipating how this story will go: she’ll get her revenge because Aurora will prick her finger and she’ll die, she’ll cackle, and maybe she’d piss off Phillip’s family, which makes him seek revenge on her, and something would happen to make her redeem herself in death.  (I clearly hadn’t thought that through, but that’s what I wanted.)

Until Maleficent curses Aurora.  Because when she made that curse, I knew that Maleficent would never live up to my expectations.

The curse, as written in the 1959 original, states:

Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel – and DIE.

In Maleficent, she amends the curse to say:

Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and fall into a sleep like death!

There is a HUGE difference between those two curses, and it’s not just the words.  In Maleficent‘s version of the curse, she has already softened up compared to her predecessor, because now she’s not killing the kid, she’s just putting her to sleep forever.

And then she amends her own curse, giving it a cure!  She says the equivalent of, “Oh well, okay sure, I’ll give you a curse-breaker: she can only be woken up by True Love’s Kiss.”  And as she leaves, she’s all, “BECAUSE THERE’S NO SUCH THING SUCKA HAHAHAHA”  And then she would flip  the entire gathering of peasants and rabble The Bird as she vanishes in a cloud of green smoke like a motherfucking boss.

Except she can’t stay away from Aurora – I’m still not sure if, initially, she kept watching Aurora and saving her from the fairies’ ineptitude just because she wanted to make sure she (Maleficent) was the one responsible for the girl’s demise (and DON’T get me started on those fucking fairies.  Not one Merryweather in the bunch).  The first line of the curse in both Sleeping Beauty and Maleficent states that Aurora will be beloved by all who know her. Well, in this film, Maleficent falls under her own spell.

To the point that Maleficent tries to break her own curse!  She ends up caring for the princess and tries to take it back!  Except she fooled herself because when she cursed the girl originally, she made sure to say that the curse will be unbroken until True Love’s Kiss – she didn’t even put in a override line or anything reserved for herself.  So then she gets sad because she’s cursed Aurora to this sleep of death, because True Love’s Kiss doesn’t exist.

Well, that’s all well and good, except that anyone who’s ever watched Once Upon a Time knows that the best True Love’s Kisses come from mother to son (both Emma and Regina to Henry, breaking two curses).  So when the fairies force Phillip into kissing a sleeping Aurora and it doesn’t work, Maleficent tries to say goodbye to Aurora by kissing her, and GUESS WHO WAKES UP

In the end, Maleficent gets her wings back, she stops being evil, Stefan dies (as all good Disney villains do) (I actually pointed and shouted DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH in the theatre but no one heard me), Aurora rules the humans in concert with Maleficent not-quite-ruling the fairies because they don’t believe in a system of government, and Alaina does not like the movie because they made Maleficent soft.

Where was my evil queen who ruled all those wonderful, stupid minions?  Where was her outright glee in tormenting others?  You know how much fun Lana Parilla has playing Regina the Evil Queen on Once Upon a Time?  THAT’S WHAT I WANTED FOR MALEFICENT.

(I’m not even going to get into the fact that on Once Upon a Time, Maleficent was played by the awesome Kristin Bauer Von Straten, only to have Regina permanently turn her into her dragon in episode 2, and then have Emma kill her in the season 1 finale.  Why does Maleficent always get short shrift?)

So that’s why I didn’t like the movie: they took one of my favorite childhood antiheroes and made her soft in the heart and gave her a happy ending that was actually happy (versus my other favorite trope, Redemption Through Death).  I would like to point out – before I get into the true impetus of why I’m writing this post – that while I felt the writing did a disservice to Maleficent, Angelina Jolie was phenomenal in the role.  I mean, really: my main problem was the story.  Or the fact that their story deviated from what I wanted the story to be.  My dislike of the movie had nothing to do with the persons involved (unlike when I went to see Mission: Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol because SOMEONE said it was an amazing movie and that Sawyer from Lost was in it but Sawyer died in the first ten minutes of the movie and basically SOMEONE STILL OWES ME NINE BUCKS FOR THAT MOVIE AND ALSO FOR PRISONERS BECAUSE THERE WERE SNAKES IN PRISONERS AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME ABOUT THE SNAKES, BRAD).

Ahem.

So anyway: heaps of praise for Angelina Jolie and the visual effects; bunches of boos for the poor story decisions (my opinion).  Once the movie came out, I was seeing a few articles that praised Maleficent for having such a female-centric storyline, and after careful consideration, I have to agree.  It is amazing that there are five female characters with speaking roles compared to the two male characters (three if you count the king that dies in the beginning).  The movie passes the Bechdel test with flying colors; no doubt about that in my mind.  And I applaud the movie for showing us such a positive female relationship between Maleficent and Aurora, regardless of how I felt about the relationship as part of the story.

And then Sarah links me to this article, and says, “I’d be interested to hear your take on this.” So I read it, and I’ve been stewing over it for a couple of weeks now, and I guess my main feeling regarding this article is that I feel the author is nitpicking and reading into a lot of stuff (says the girl who has written nearly 2500 words in the same manner).

The author of the article claims that Disney had the opportunity to create a truly revisionist feminist movie starring Maleficent – show a woman’s agency and the choices she makes and how those choices go against the patriarchy found in that realm, and how grrl!power would triumph over the stupid stupid men. And remember that part where Maleficent was horrifically mutilated by a man and I thought this was going to be the best revenge fantasy movie ever?  I really wanted that, along with the author of the article.

Obviously, my disappointment comes from a deep-rooted nostalgia.  The author of the article traces her disappointment to the fact that the film is not Maleficent’s movie – she is merely a player in Aurora’s movie, remade to look like the main character.  Aurora is the narrator of the movie, and the narration that begins the film tells the audience that we haven’t heard the story told in this way before.  And that’s because for the first time, we’re seeing the story as told from Maleficent’s perspective, and we’re getting backstory on Maleficent’s motivation, but at the end of the film, Aurora still needs to wake up.  We can’t have Maleficent succeed in her original plot (revenge against Stefan = keeping his daughter sleeping like death for eternity) because then we really would be seeing Maleficent win, and the villain winning wouldn’t be a comfortable position for any summer tentpole audience.

What I kind of have to love in an ironic manner is the fact that the author of the article can’t even focus on Maleficent for her entire article.  She ends the article claiming that the Aurora in the 1959 movie is more femme-positive (her words) than the Aurora found in Maleficent:

In Sleeping Beauty, Aurora had a nurturing family and a trio of good fairies who were flighty (yet responsible). She had the gift of song, the man of her dreams, and an iconic, charismatic villain who audiences loved. In Maleficent, Aurora is the product of a cold and loveless marriage and a vengeful, unhinged rapist. Her safety relies on a trio of clueless and dangerously careless fairies, and her Godmother is the woman who cursed her — and who had, in turn, been violated by her own father.

Which sounds more reductive to you?

To be honest, I don’t even know what she’s talking about.  In Maleficent, Aurora doesn’t need a man to save her from her fate – Maleficent saves Aurora with her version of True Love’s Kiss.  When Maleficent is captured by Stefan’s guards, sure, she changes her raven-man into the dragon instead of changing herself into a dragon, but maybe there was a line that was cut that explained that fairies can’t actually turn themselves into other creatures?  And in the end, Aurora helped save Maleficent by returning her wings to her (there has to be a metaphor in there somewhere about a woman returning another woman’s power to her after it had been raped away, but I’ve been working on this essay for about a week and I can’t think too hard about this anymore) – how is that less femme!positive than Sleeping Beauty where the prince kills the female dragon and wakes the heroine up with a kiss and her marriage to Prince Phillip had been arranged before she was born, and they were just lucky that they met in the woods and fell in love immediately without knowing each other was their betrothed whereas in Maleficent Aurora got to choose to marry Phillip and the marriage wasn’t arranged or anything and everyone lives happily ever after, even Phillip, who honestly ended up having less of a personality than this guy:

So there.  I really don’t think I can analyze this movie anymore.  I was disappointed in the movie, but I’ve got my anger out now so I won’t be talking about it any longer.

I will most likely continue to bring up Mission: Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol and Prisoners when applicable, because I haven’t gotten my refund for either of those movies yet, BRAD.

So while I’ve lived in my new apartment for nearly a month (huzzah!), I am still deficient on both internets and cable.  (Sidebar: I did not realize that the internet was able to be pluralized.  Huh.  Thanks, MS Word, for teaching me something new!)

Anyway.  While I’m waiting for WiFi — and to gather the patience needed to watch a movie on my TV for the blog, knowing that the remotes don’t work completely, so any pausing will have to be done by punching the button on the TV itself, not the remote — let’s discuss something I’ve wanted to bitch/talk about for a while, but never had the opportunity.

So let’s take a moment to discuss the Empire magazine’s list of the Top 500 Movies of All Time.

Firstly, a slight disclaimer: this list was compiled back in 2008, so The Hangover and The Avengers haven’t had a chance to make the list yet (although hey, Empire?  I know which ones those can replace, easy).  Also, I think it’s important to recognize that even though I will vociferously be defending some movies and being very hurtful towards others, the best part about movies is that your mileage may vary.

I mean, I remember watching No Country for Old Men (#228).  I was still living with my parents at the time — or had I just moved?  Was I visiting?  Y’know, I can’t be bothered to go look up when that movie came out, mainly because REASONS.  Anyway, I was watching it with my parents in their house.  They had rented it from Netflix or borrowed it from somebody — regardless, it was a DVD, not in the theatre.  And it was after it had won all the Oscars, and the buzz had yet to fade.  I can remember watching it in our darkened living room — I was on the end of the couch, Dad was on the floor, and Mom was in her armchair.  We had watched Josh Brolin get shot to shit and Javier Bardem escaped with … whoever played the woman, again, too lazy, and then the ending with Tommy Lee Jones talking about a dream that had nothing to do with the movie, and then it just fucking ended.

Mom and Dad made some confused noise, but I definitely remember myself blurting out, like I tend to do: “How the fuck did that win Best Picture?!”  For me, the ending ruined the movie, which I hadn’t liked all that much to begin with.  It felt completely disjointed from what had gone before, did not give me any sense of closure, and put me in a sour mood.

I also remember discussing my opinion of the movie with Johnny O, and he asked me if I’d ever read the novel, and tried to tell me that reading it would change my mind about the movie.  But for me, that was a poor point to make, because based on the movie, I was never going to want to read the novel.  It’s the same way that, no matter how much I love Peter O’Toole (a lot), I will never watch Lord Jim because I fucking HATED reading that book in high school.

So anyway – that’s just a prime example of me not really liking a movie that everyone else (i.e., the Hollywood Elite or whatnot) really liked.  I just didn’t get the hype.  Most likely for the same reason that I can’t understand how Brad can watch Shawshank to the end, every time he finds it on TV.  Every.  Time.  I just — I don’t get it!  I swear it has something to do with the Y-Chromosome.

So one night, Sarah was reading the Empire list and tweeting about it, and then she sent me the link, and because I am above all a masochist, I actually transcribed the list to a) see how many I’d seen, b) see how many I needed to add to my list, and c) remember to bitch about the order of things later.

So A): I have seen 99 out of 500 movies.  Holy crap — that’s higher than I thought it was.  And also, dangit!  I couldn’t have seen one more freaking movie?  B): Uh, I’m not going to count that, because that would take forever, and forever I don’t have.

But oh — the bitching.

First of all, Back to the Future, Part II is only #498?  Really?  I love that movie!  I mean, as much as I love the entire trilogy, I can understand why Part III didn’t rate, but I believe that Part II is a better movie than, say, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (#475 — and I *heart* Dead Man’s Chest).

Oh hey, let’s talk about another beloved trilogy, the Indiana Jones Trilogy.  Can someone explain this to me?  In what UNIVERSE is Kingdom of the Crystal Skull rated HIGHER than Glengarry Glen Ross?!  I have been told by no less than three dear, trusted people that I need to see Glengarry Glen Ross.  You know how many people have told me I need to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  NOBODY, BECAUSE CRYSTAL SKULL BLOWS.  I saw Crystal Skull in theatres, and Steven Spielberg STILL OWES ME TEN DOLLARS.

In keeping with Indiana Jones, to whom I aspire to be (seriously, someday I’m going to get business cards that proclaim me to be an Obtainer of Rare Antiquities): How is Temple of Doom better than Last Crusade?  Willie Whatserface is AWFUL, and only cast because she was boinking Spielberg at the time (are they still married?  Do I care?), with less than zero chemistry with Indy; Short Round is cute but also somehow a painful stereotype; there are SNAKES IN THE MONKEY BRAINS, which is even worse than the Well of Lost Souls, because I EXPECT snakes in dark, creepy places, NOT AT DINNER … it’s just bad, guys!  Last Crusade has Indiy fighting Nazis again, and his dad is Sean Motherfucking Connery!  INDY’S DAD IS JAMES BOND: DISCUSS.  And yeah, Indy gets blindsided by Ilsa, not realizing she’s a Nazi, but it’s a better story!  Indy’s back searching for authentic relics, not stones in Asia.  I just — ACK.

Let’s see, what else pissed me off?  OH, RIGHT.  Look, I love Anchorman.  A lot.  Too much, some people have told me.  I have no shame about it.  Believe me when I tell you that I will be attending the midnight release of Anchorman 2 next year.  If I had internets (and better graphic programs), I would have submitted a still of Ron Burgandy walking his erection off, shouting “DON’T ACT LIKE YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSED” with the picture of McKayla Being Not Impressed in the background.  How has no one thought of that yet!?

But regardless of my love of Anchorman, I don’t think I would have rated it #113.  I mean, really?  That high?  Higher than Duck Soup?  Higher than Blazing Saddles?  Really?  Y’all rate Veronica Corningstone asking Ron to do her on a magical rainbow higher than Lily Von Shtupp singing about her pelvis being kaput?  Seriously?!

AND DON’T START ME ON ALL ABOUT EVE!  Movie of my heart, a classic for all time, with the best dialogue and wit that I think I’ve ever seen in a movie: ranked at #347.  THREE FORTY SEVEN.  Transformers was ranked about All About Eve.  THE REVENGE OF THE SITH WAS RANKED ABOVE ALL ABOUT EVE.  WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK.

Dear Empire Magazine: HAVE ANY OF YOU EVEN WATCHED A MOVIE!?

Finally, I leave this entry (and my somehow fly-infested corner of the Freeport Starbucks, what the fuck) with this: the Top Ten, According to Empire.

10. Fight Club (seen it)
9. Pulp Fiction (on the list)
8. Singin’ in the Rain (seriously?)
7. Apocalypse Now
6. Goodfellas

So now I’m wracking my brain, trying to figure out what would be the top five.  I recognize I hadn’t seen Empire Strikes Back, or The Godfather … at which point I say this:

@WillBeFunOrElse: IF SHAWSHANK IS NUMBER ONE, I WILL THROW MY LAPTOP INTO THE WALL

5. Jaws
4. The Shawshank Redemption (Caroline the Netbook trembled in relief)
3. The Empire Strikes Back
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark (woo hoo!!  Someone got one right!)
1. The Godfather

So at some point, when I’m not stealing WiFi like a boss, I’ll update the Master List.  But that should be rant enough for now.