Monthly Archives: July 2016


Me: So, do you want to see the new Ghostbusters this week, or next week?
Dad: Doesn’t matter; I mean, you’ll see it again, right?
Me: Of course!

Ten minutes later
Me: I suppose I should see the first one first, though, right Dad?

Thirty minutes after that
Dad: Do you have a copy of Ghostbusters?
Me: Yeah, I stole your DVD a couple of years ago.
Dad: And you haven’t watched it yet?!
Me: Hannibal was on!


Three former parapsychology professors set up shop as a unique ghost removal service.

That is adorable. “Unique ghost removal service”? That’s almost, like — pre-hipster.

So here’s what Alaina Knows About Ghostbusters Prior to Watching Ghostbusters:

  • there are ghosts.
  • they get busted.
  • we are to call Ghostbusters when there is something strange ocurring in our neighborhood.
  • also, Rick Moranis is there.
  • There is no Dana, only Zuul.
  • There’s slime? Or is that the second one?
  • S’mores will never be the same after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Also, this happened last year:

[Me and My Dear Friend Sarah make a plan for brunch prior to her show]
Me: That is an excellent plan!
My Dear Friend Sarah: I’m excited to be a part of it!
Me: What is that from? It sounds familiar.
My Dear Friend Sarah: It’s from Ghostbusters.
Me: Oh … oh, yeah.
My Dear Friend Sarah: [squints eyes knowingly] You’ve seen Ghostbusters, haven’t you?
Me: Look a seagull!
My Dear Friend Sarah: Get out.

And that’s how I ended up abandoned on the side of the road near Plymouth Rock.

Finally, this happened this year:

Pub Trivia Guy at Grittys: This is the name of Sigourney Weaver’s baby that ends up possessed by a god in Ghostbusters.
Me: Zuul!  It’s Zuul!
Friend Brad: Yeah!
[At the end of the round]
Pub Trivia Guy at Grittys: And the name of the baby, who was not possessed by Zuul —
Me: Oh no.
Pub Trivia Guy at Grittys: — was Oscar.
Me: Dammit! I misheard the question. Why didn’t you say something?
Friend Brad: You were so confident! And I couldn’t think of it! I followed you!
Me: Never follow me when I haven’t seen the movie!
Me: I got the Shawshank one right.

So before I hit play on this sucker, I would like to point out that I was going to watch this eventually, the timing worked out well, and regardless of how I feel at the end of the movie, there is no fucking chance in hell that the new, female-led Ghostbusters is going to ruin the original for all the pissy whiny boy twats out there with their cheeky panties in a wet, shit-rinsed bunch. Grow up, you scummy idiots.

Okay. Let’s see how this goes.

The movie opens in the New York Public Library, and a middle-aged librarian wheels a cart of dusty books into the basement. As she reshelves a couple of volumes, some other volumes float from one shelf to another across the hallway, behind her back.

Holy shit, a card catalogue! That’s a relic! Card catalog drawers open up and makes the book cards rain down as if Pacman Jones took up shop in the Non-fiction section. She screams when she notices, and then we segueway straight into —


We transition to King’s College Columbia University, where Dr. Venkman has been told to burn in Hell, according to the graffiti on the office door he shares with Dr. Ray Stantz and Dr. Egon Spengler. Professor Bill Murray of the Parapsychology Department is testing two subjects on reading cards. I mean, he holds up a big card with an image on one side where the student can’t see the image, and the student has to see the image in their mind. The dude, a right dweeb, is very gung-ho about it, but misses the star and the square. When he misses, he gets an electric shock. Bill Murray also turns the card around to show the dude, so he knows he’s wrong.

The girl, however – feathered blond, spitting image of Heather Locklear with the breathy voice of any one of those dumb blonde types found in 1980s cinema – guesses incorrectly as well, and not as valiantly as her male counterpart. But she manages to get every one right, according to Bill. Not that Bill shows her the card, or anything. (He doesn’t. Ever. He doesn’t ever turn the card around for her to see. Because this is all a ploy for Professor Bill to hit on students.)

Miraculously, the dude gets one right: three squiggly lines on a card. (Alaina: “It’s bacon! Hot air out of a hand dryer in the rest room! A hand dryer bacon dispenser!”) And Bill Murray continues to lie to and electrically shock the kid. The kid gets verklempt: “I’m getting a little tired of this!” Bill Murray responds, “You volunteered, didn’t you?”

The student storms off after he loses his fifth card (out of 80), hoping he’s helped prove Bill Murray (Dr. Venkman, apparently)’s theory on the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability.

Venkman’s putting the moves on Blondie when Dan Ackroyd (oh god, I never know if I’ve spelled his name right – nope. Close, though) Aykroyd barrels in, telling Venkman he’s got to accompany him and Spengler at the New York Public Library to investigate … a vaporition? I don’t know, there’s a lot of words happening right now. Venkman finalizes his move on Blondie, and they reschedule for 8 o’clock.

What – I – Look, I get that this was filmed in the 80s, but Jesus, Venkman’s a fungdark, isn’t he?

On the steps of the New York Public Library, we learn that Venkman is the skeptic out of the group – for being a professor of parapsychology, apparently he doesn’t believe in paranormal activity? Are we going to learn throughout the movie that Venkman got into this job because he’s a scam artist?

(Oh hey, I turned out to be slightly right about that.)

Anyway, Venkman and Aykroyd — Stantz — meet up with Egon Spengler at the library, and the team goes down into the bowels of the Library and see an actual ghost, and Venkman does not shit all over it like I thought he would. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he tries to pin the vaporition or whatever on the old librarian’s period, and he doesn’t smile once or even really encourage his colleagues, but he does actually secure the sample of ectoplasm for Spengler. And when faced with the apparition, they realize they don’t have a plan aside from proving the sight of the apparition, so they send Venkman out to talk to her. When that doesn’t work – the ghost shhh’shes Venkman, because they’re in a library – Stantz decides the new plan consists of “get her.”

Yes, an excellent, well-thought-out plan. On their way back to their office, Spengler says that he has a chance that he could develop a way to capture and hold ghosts indefinitely.

I have a feeling that will be important later.

When they actually get back to their office, it is their office no longer: the dean has evicted them from the building, the program, and the university altogether. And as the boys try to protest, the dean slaps them all down — most of all Venkman, who is “no scientist,” as he “seems to regard science as some kind of dodge or hustle.” THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

Venkman convinces Stantz to put a third mortgage on his parents’ house so they can go into business for themselves. They look at a dilapidated firehouse: Venkman and Spengler think the place should be killed with fire. Stantz, on the other hand – he is in love with the fireman’s pole, so obviously they take it.

We then meet Dana Barrett, played by Sigourney Weaver. She’s bringing groceries home, and she’s almost through with the gauntlet that is her hallway when Louis comes out of his apartment and pounces.

Now, look, it’s True Confessions Time: tonight’s viewing of Ghostbusters is my third (AND GODDAMMIT, FINAL) attempt to finish Ghostbusters, so this is the second? third? time I’ve seen this scene? But only now, for some reason, do I realize who Louis is in real life.

And no, I’m not talking about Rick Moranis. I fucking know who Rick Moranis is, okay? What I’m trying to say is that I worked with Real!Life!Louis at Beans for years.

RL!Louis is short, with glasses, who will not! stop! talking! He waits for you to come out of your cubicle and down to the floor, and he is just relentless about his own shit! He has no idea how he comes off to other people – the face that Dana Barrett is making right there? Where she’s rolling her eyes while Louis is talking about how he thought the drugstore was making a vitamin delivery (bullshit!) and all she wants to do is put her groceries in the fridge? That would be my patented RL!Louis Eyeroll, if she hadn’t trademarked it first.

I don’t even think about RL!Louis anymore, but Friend Brad mentioned him last week, and man, I’ve been gone from Beans for four years, but RL!Louis has not changed at all. Still hanging around the break room looking for extra food, still wanting to know all about your business because he’s a worse gossip than my landlady —

There are a number of people I miss with fond feelings from that place. RL!Louis is not one of them.

ANYWAY. Thanks for allowing me this digression (on my own blog), and I hope to god I remember to tell Friend Brad this the next time I see him. Because a), it will prove that I’ve actually watched Ghostbusters, and b), hopefully he’s never made the connection between Louis and RL!Louis, and it will blow his mind.

[Also a thing that will blow his mind? Rihanna playing Marion Crane in Bates Motel next season.]

give it to me NOW

ANYWAY, Louis is telling Dana Barrett all about his workout routine, and is it wrong of me to admit that we are 17 minutes in, and this is my first belly laugh:

Louis: I was just exercising. I taped a 20-minute workout and played it back at high speed on my machine so it only took ten minutes. I got a great workout.

Oh, my god.

So apparently Dana’s TV has been on all day, and when she finally escapes Louis, she’s seeing a commercial for … The Ghosbusters. It’s exactly as local commercial as you’d expect. She brings her groceries to the kitchen, and as she’s putting dry goods in her cabinets (not a euphemism, guys), the eggs she left on the counter start to explode. And fry. On the counter. She hears a growling coming from her fridge, and instead of moldy containers of leftovers (which is what I would see if I heard growling coming from my fridge), she sees a demon dog growling ZUUUUUUUL.

Meanwhile, the Ghostbusters have fixed the firehouse up, and Stantz has purchased a very old car and I’m calling it the Ghostmobile. I think its official term is “Ecto-Mobile,” or “ECTO-1” as its license plate proclaims, but I’m old-school. And lazy. They’ve also hired a secretary, Janine, played by Annie Potts. She spends her days reading magazines, so it sounds like an excellent job. She also clearly has a thing for Egon, who is completely oblivious. That oughtta be good.

Dana Barrett walks into the office and Venkman pretty much jumps over the partition between his office and Janine’s desk, and she explains her sighting to the three of them. Spengler’s going to check out the “usual literature,” and Stantz decides to check the blueprints of her building. Venkman, however, decides to bring Miss Barrett back to her apartment to check her out. He means, check out her apartment. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.


When he gets there — oh, boy. Okay. So, he basically swaggers around the living room, waving a wand and pretending to look for stuff. He opens a door, and Dana says:

Dana: That’s the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
Venkman: What a crime.

Okay. So — Venkman’s an asshole. Like, a really awful asshole. And yeah, it’s slightly funny, and yeah, it was written thirty-ish years ago and the early 80s was a different time and I get that, I do. But Jesus — I just want to take that sniffer thing he’s waving around and beat him over the head with it a few frillion times.

Dana shows more restraint than I would, merely comparing him to a game show host instead of a scientist. He attempts to actually do his job, but when there’s nothing in the fridge, Dana realizes that maybe she’s crazy.

While Venkman does tell her that he doesn’t think she’s crazy, he then launches into a speech about how, when he saw that she lived alone, and that she comes home from work and all she has is her work, that he felt a kinship with her because he’s like that, he goes home after work and all he has is work, and maybe, they could find companionship together, and then, he jumps right into being madly in love with her, and holy shit, dude, lies are spewing from your mouth like lava from a volcano. You have known her one hour, tops. You just want to sleep with her, and you think that telling her you’re in love with her will work your magic.


Venkman returns to the firehouse, resolved to prove to Dana that he’s an okay guy. The boys enjoy their last bit of petty cash in the form of a Chinese takeout, when Janine takes a call. They’ve got a live one! Er, live customer; most likely, the ghost is dead.

They suit up and roll out to the Sedgwick Hotel, where disturbances have been reported on the twelfth floor. The concierge hopes the Ghostbusters can handle the situation quietly. Thanks, Freddie Foreshadowing – now I know what’s going to happen.

They split up when they get to 12, and after mistaking a housekeeping cart and blasting the shit out of it, they split up in search of the ghost. Now just a doggone minute, I call fucking shenanigans. This scene is clearly taking place at night – Janine leaving as the phone rings, the dinner scene being dark, it being nighttime when they enter the hotel – WHY IS THERE HOUSEKEEPING AFTER DARK?! Housekeeping only happens in the early morning, people! Usually when I’m trying to sleep in! SHENANIGANS.

Stantz finds Slimer (because duh, it’s Slimer, guys; he may not have had a name until the cartoon show, but every late 80s-early 90s kid grew up knowing who Slimer was, regardless of whether they saw the original movie), but scares him away. He then runs into Venkman, who calls Stantz on their walkie-talkie, and —

Okay. Look. Here’s a thing that bugs the fucking shit out of me. I can’t remember where I first saw it — fuck, IT WAS DIE HARD


But anyway – when you use walkie-talkies? YOU CAN’T HAVE A REGULAR CONVERSATION


Here, watch this:

YOU. CAN’T. INTERRUPT. SOMEONE. ON. A. WALKIE. TALKIE. You push the button, you talk; YOUR CORRESPONDENT CAN ONLY LISTEN!!! They can’t talk back, because YOU’RE USING THE CHANNEL! When you RELEASE the button, THEN the other person can talk! And you can’t talk until they’re done talking, by RELEASING THEIR BUTTON!

So to see Venkman and Stantz using walkie talkies and no one’s releasing any buttons, and there’s no pause in their conversation while waiting for the channel to open up – I LOSE MY MIND.

This has been an episode of Alaina’s Nitpicks. Tune in next week for: “What Day Is This Supposed To Be?! and Other Chronological Inconsistencies.”

Okay, so anyway, by the time Stantz comes upon Venkman in the hallway, Slimer has passed right through Venkman and Venkman is covered in slime. Which is great, apparently.

Slimer has ended up in the main ballroom, so the boys converge on it and attempt to catch it with their proton packs, but end up killing the chandelier. That’s when Egon gives the immortal advice, “Don’t cross the streams.” So they triangulate around Slimer, and eventually manage to get it into the trap that Egon has designed.

They successfully capture Slimer, and only manage to completely destroy the main ballroom in the process. But they get five thousand bucks out of the hotel, so — all’s well that ends well, I guess.

Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Their business takes off and they make the cover of Time and the National Enquirer. Plus, Stantz gets a spectral visit from a succubus.

They end up with so much business they have to hire a fourth man – enter Winston Zeddmore, played by Ernie Hudson. Basically, he’ll do anything for a steady paycheck. Wow, I had no idea the early 80s were that bad financially!

Then Venkman reaches out to Dana Barrett to let her know that in the midst of busting all those ghosts, he’s found one reference to Zuul, and they should talk about it. This Thursday, at 9:00. And if anyone wanted more proof that this movie was written by a bunch of men, look no further than Dana agreeing to the date. DANA. HE’S AN ASS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

While Stantz is showing Winston how to empty the traps into the storage system, Venkman is getting a visit from a dude from the EPA. EPA Guy (who, Fun Fact!, also played the reporter that Holly Gennaro McClane punches out at the end of Die Hard) wants to see this storage facility. Venkman won’t let him, because duh.

Meanwhile, Egon is getting worried about the containment unit. Apparently, the ghosts and shit they’ve all caught are now the size of a 35-foot-long, 600-lb. Twinkie. They could be looking at a cross-generational gap of epic proportions, or something. I don’t know, Stantz says a lot of words.


Dana comes home and almost makes it past Louis’s apartment, but he comes out of the party he’s having at his apartment to say hi and make sure she’s coming. Wait, is this the same party Louis was talking about earlier? The one he was having for his accounting clients? How much time has passed!?

Dana’s mom calls her, and Dana confirms that she has a date tonight. I just … written by dudes. NOT ALL WOMEN ARE TAKEN BY BILL MURRAY’S CHARMS. Or maybe I’m still just residually mad about Lost in Translation. Anyway, when she hangs up, her kitchen’s on fire, and also, demon hands break out of her chair and clamp down on her, and wheel her into her on-fire kitchen, where a demon dogargoyle is lying in wait.

We have a relatively funny scene at Louis’s accountant client party (HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED FROM THE HOTEL JOB TO NOW!), which according to the trivia, was almost 100% improvised by Rick Moranis. I believe it. I also still 100% believe that RL!Louis based his life off of this character, because I have heard RL!Louis give the same speech about saving money on a pie he brought to a Christmas Party that had been in his freezer for about four years, but it was still good, and the price of the pie went up by about four bucks since he bought it, so that was a good buy. Holy shit, I have got to call Brad tomorrow about this.

Anyway, Ted and Annette Fleming show up and Louis takes their coats and tosses them in his room, where another demon dog is living. Louis returns to the living room and asks if anyone wants to play Parcheesi, when a large series of growls comes from the bedroom. Just as Louis asks who brought their dog, the dog bursts through the bedroom and heads right to Louis.

Venkman rolls up to the apartment building, and walks past Louis’s demolished apartment. He knocks on Dana’s door; she answers, and she’s wearing an off-the-shoulder, copper orange drape, and damn, Sigourney Weaver looks great. She asks if Venkman’s the Keymaster, and when he says “no,” she slams the door in his face. GOOD GIRL, SIGOURNEY. Venkman knocks again, and when Dana again asks if he’s the Keymaster, this time he says yes.

That’s going to be important later.

Anyway, Venkman figures out something’s going on when he asks her name and she says “Zuul.” Also, the ectoplasm covering her entire apartment is a big clue. Zuul tells Venkman that they must prepare for the coming of Gozer, the Destructor. Preparation includes sleeping with Zuul, and look, I’m going to give Venkman some credit here: he recognizes that she’s possessed and that sleeping with her is a bad idea in this state. So, good on you, Venkman.

Side note: Sigourney Weaver’s makeup in this scene makes her look like Tim Curry as Frank-N-Furter. Just me? Okay, I’ll shut up.

Venkman: I want to talk to Dana. Dana? It’s Peter.
Dana: There is no Dana; there is only Zuul.

When Zuul won’t let Dana out to talk to Peter, Dana levitates off the bed. So; that’s bad.

Louis is picked up by a couple of police officers after he goes around asking people if they’re the Gatekeeper. The police officers drop him off at the Ghostbusters station, where Egon and Janine listen to the gobbeldygook he’s spouting. Luckily, Venkman chooses that moment to call in and tell Egon that he found the Gatekeeper in the form of Dana, whom … he knocked out with Thorazine?!

Y’know, I’m gonna skip over the idea of drugging a possessed woman because yes, in this instance, it was for her own safety. Instead, I’m going to wonder WHO THE FUCK IS CARRYING THORAZINE AROUND AND WHY. It’s an antipsychotic, used to treat schizophrenia! Does Venkman keep it on his person? Does he have a prescription? Is it Dana’s? WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS, I get it was the 80s, BUT FOR FUCK’S SAKE

Winston and Ray are on a call out in Brooklyn somewhere, discussing Revelations 7:12 and Judgment Day. Winston hypothesizes that the Ghostbusters have been so busy lately because the dead are rising from their graves. Huh – Ray has not considered that.

It must have been a late night – early morning call, because Ray and Winston drive the Ecto-1 over the Manhattan Overpass Bridge (which I have officially napped under), and then at 8 a.m. (because, speaking from experience, government officials never do anything prior to 8 a.m.) the EPA rolls up on the Ghostbusters station, and ask Egon to turn off the machines. Louis, still as Keymaster, is shadowing Egon, down to his every hand movement. Rick Moranis is a national treasure, people; and he’s only on loan from Canada!

The EPA shuts the system off, and the entire storage system fucking explodes. Everyone runs out of the station, and as the spectral matter releases back into the atmosphere in a stream of burning hot lava, Dana wakes up from her Thorazine nap, and watches all the spirits return from whence they came – until her apartment building blows a wall out.

Meanwhile, the EPA was successful in arresting the Ghostbusters, and they’re holding court — well, minus a rather skeptical Winston — discussing the structure of Dana’s apartment building. Apparently it was built by some guy in the 1920s who worshiped Gozer, and there were rituals to bring about the end of the world.


Anyway, Reginald VelJohnson plays another cop, and this one tells the Ghostbusters that the Mayor wants to see them because the whole island’s going crazy. Well, that’s what happens when the EPA unleashes a shit-ton of spirits that have, according to the chronology I can figure, been captured by Ghostbusters IN THE SPAN OF FOUR DAYS. GODDAMMIT, CHRONOLOGY.

The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper meet up, finally. They kiss, and then turn to go up a staircase.

The Ghostbusters have their audience with the Mayor, along with Peck, the EPA guy. The Mayor calls a cardinal or something, who basically tells them to pray. Whatever. But then, Winston moves in and tells the Mayor that he’s only been working with the Ghostbusters a couple of weeks, and THANK YOU, WINSTON, FOR ANSWERING PART OF MY QUESTION. Based on the fact that they hired Winston two weeks ago, and the hotel job with Slimer happened the same night as when Venkman first met with Dana, maybe an entire month has passed? Six weeks? At least I know this hasn’t happened all in one week.

I’m just saying some chyrons would be mighty appreciated.

The Mayor is warned that they are looking at — well:

Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?
Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor; real wrath of God type stuff.
Venkman: Exactly.
Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes —
Winston: The dead rising from the grave!
Venkman: Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

At the thought of dogs and cats living together, the Mayor allows the Ghostbusters a chance to fix the issue — especially when Venkman points out that if the Ghostbusters succeeds, then the Mayor will have been directly responsible for saving the lives of millions of registered voters.

The Ecto-1 rolls out with a police escort, heading straight to Dana’s apartment building, which now has huge black clouds smoking out of it. After being swallowed by the road in front of the building (momentarily), they make their way to Dana’s suite, which has been blasted to shit. They find Dana and Louis in their positions of Keymaster and Gatekeeper, and then they form a triangle of lightning. The forces open a section of the building and Gozer arrives – in the form of a woman, which the Ghostbusters were not really expecting.

Stantz tries to peaceably evict Gozer from the top of the tower, but instead of following his orders, she asks:

Gozer: Are you a god?
Stantz: No.
Gozer: Then – die!!
[Gozer lightning blasts the entire team and almost pushes them off the building.]
Winston: Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!

Huh. I always thought that was Venkman’s line.

They attempt a couple of times to catch Gozer, but to no avail. Finally — and incorporeally — she instructs them to choose and perish. Venkman tells the team to empty their minds of all thoughts but Ray — sweet, sweet Ray — has something just pop in there.

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

[Oh my god, Dan Aykroyd’s reading of that line is a glorious thing.]

Ray just wanted to think of something that wouldn’t hurt anyone. Until Mr. Stay Puft starts stepping on cars and shit. They attempt to “roast” him, but it just makes him angry. And flamey. Egon and Ray decide that they should reverse the particle flow through the gate by crossing the streams.

Venkman: I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it!

[Hey, Sarah? Thank you for not slapping my face every time we had this conversation.]

Winston mentions that this is not worth 11-5 a year. WAIT A MINUTE. *does the math*
They are only paying Winston $5.50 an hour?! Christ almighty.

They cross their streams and blow up the gate. Rocks fall, and then EPA guy gets 75 lbs of marshmallow topping dumped on him. The Ghostbusters are a bit marshmallow-covered, but okay. And they claw through one of the statues to rescue Dana, and Louis is also okay.

Then all of a sudden it’s morning and everyone’s fine and the theme song starts up and the credits take off.

Huh. Okay. So.

That’s it?
That’s what men are crying about?
The fact that this has been rebooted with four (fantastic) female leads will have effectively ruined the childhood of millions of people?

Go fuck yourself. This movie’s not that great.

Venkman’s an asshole, the characters were cardboard, and people clearly didn’t care about the proper usage of thorazine, clearly-marked chronology, or how to fucking use a walkie-talkie. Rick Moranis (and Sigourney Weaver’s cheekbones) was the highlight for me.

I literally do not understand what the fuss is about. To be honest, I feel the same way when Brad tells me he watches Shawshank to the end every goddamn time it’s on TV. Why? You know how it ends, and it’s not that great a movie?! Is it a thing on the Y chromosome that makes you all (yes, all men) feel that way about your favorite movies? I mean, goddammit, I love Die Hard with every ounce of my cold, dead heart, but I still find things that irk me about it. And yeah, the walkie-talkie thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

If news came out of San Diego Comic Con that someone was going to reboot Die Hard, but this time cast a female as Joan McClane?



Cry me a fucking river. Get over it. Go fuck yourselves.

I’m going to bed.


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Posted by on July 24, 2016 in The List