RSS

Monthly Archives: April 2012

Alaina’s Friend Sarah Recommends: “Death of a Ghost Hunter”

29 Apr

What’s this?  Two entries within 24 hours?  What’s with that, you ask?  Well, my roommate is spending the weekend out of town, and, let’s be honest for a second: I don’t really have any other friends in the area I can hang out with (*sniff*), so I may as well kill some things on the TiVo.

Although this title is NOT on the TiVo.  For my readers who have not yet sampled Death of a Ghost Hunter, some background:

Every year, me and a bunch of my college friends descend upon Rhode Island like a bunch of very cool locusts — we are only there for one night, but there is much carousing and shenanigans.  This year, there was Disco Dodgeball!  Well, I was running late (thanks, Annapolis training), and by the time I arrived at the President’s Day Eve party, everyone else in attendance had already watched this gem, discovered by Jennifer on Netflix Instant!Watch: Death of a Ghost Hunter.

Thus, the entire rest of the day — and two months after the fact — my dearest friends who do not live close to me have had in-jokes about excessive timestamping, and … well, that’s really the only joke that stuck. 

[Although, even though I have not yet pushed play on this thing, I have to ask: it won Best Screenplay in something?  I have a feeling I’ll be making fun of that as the night goes on.]

Netflix describes the plot thusly:

A famed ghost hunter is hired to investigate paranormal activity at a house where, twenty years earlier, Joseph Masterson and his family were murdered.

Oh, another thing I should mention before I get too far in.  Yeah, there are a lot of movies I’ve never seen.  Shut up, all of you.  But there’s one genre of which I typically steer clear, and that is horror.  I can’t remember if I’ve listed it (and I’m not opening up another tab to actually check the list, so again, shut up), but I’ve only seen the first twenty minutes of The Exorcist, I’ve never seen Night of the Living Dead or even Night of the Dead Living (wait — that was an episode of Homicide.  That I have also never seen).  Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, the other one that I can never remember … I don’t like horror movies.  I really don’t.  I know the point of a horror movie is to feel uncomfortable and scared out of your wits, but … no thanks!  I really kind of hate them.

So why am I watching Death of a Ghost Hunter, which is squarely in the horror genre, alone in my apartment after midnight with all the lights on?  Because I have been reassured by my stalwart team of friends — AND by an ACTUAL GHOST HUNTER that I met at work this week, HA BE JEALOUS — that it’s not that scary or gory or gross.  And while I don’t like horror, I have gone to see “stupid” horror movies.  Notably, my favorites were Final Destination 2 and The Grudge.  The former, I went with my aforementioned college friends, and I distinctly remember Emily and I standing up, giving the slow clap to the screen after a guy got cut into three equal pieces by a projectile section of barbed wire fence (and in the same moment, Sarah steadfastly refusing to join in or even acknowledge our existence, because she felt we were being assholes).  The latter, I saw with some hometown friends, and I was the asshole that kept telling Buffy to just fight the fucking demon, why is she running when she should be kickboxing the shit out of it?  (Again, Amelia steadfastly refused to acknowledge my existence.)

So I’m hoping that I can add Death of a Ghost Hunter to my Assholey Horror Movie genre.  Game on?  OH WAIT I’M GONNA NEED ALCOHOL FOR THIS.

Oh, right.  I promised Jen I’d timestamp everything.  Heh heh heh.

12:14 a.m.
Alaina pushes play.  And takes a swig from her bottle of premixed margaritas.

Wait a minute — this is a production of Ominous Productions?  Seriously?!  That’s what they decided to name their company?  Oh, god, who’s the asshole that decided that?  *drinks*

In 1982, Minister Joseph Masterson and his family were murdered inside their home.

And then they go to somewhere in Arizona in 1982 and show some woman going out of a house with a stake in her hand WAIT ARE THERE VAMPIRES and then she’s sawing the arm off a guy? and bringing a gun into the house and then drowning a baby and can I just say, Fakest Baby Ever, and then she shoots herself, and guys, have you never heard of white balance?  Why is everything green?

‘Ghost Hunting’ is the process in which paranormal investigators use modern technology to obtain tangible evidence regarding the existence of life after death.

12:25 a.m.
Alaina makes a snotty remark: “Thanks for the definition, Dirk Dictionary.” And takes a swig of her alcohol.

In 2002, renowned ghost hunter, Carter Simms, was offered $5,000 to perform a paranormal investigation of the Masterson House.

Okay, FIRST OF ALL.  You do not need a comma after the word ‘hunter,’ Ominous Productions.  You can just say “renowned ghost hunter Carter Simms.”  Secondofly, why is Carter Simms underlined?  Why?  What’s the point?  And thrice, five grand — that’s it?  That seems kinda lame.  But what do I know — I have a real job.

Her investgation stands as the single most tragic paranormal inquiry in American history. 

Really?  In ALL of American history?  Are you sure?  Surely, someone investigated the Winchester mystery house and ended up dead.  And hey, speaking of the Winchesters, what about Supernatural?  Or when people investigated the Titanic?

It ended with her death.

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.  Hence, the title of the damn movie.

This film is based on the journal entries she made during her investigation.

And then it proceeds into — oh, Jesus Christ. 

12:31 a.m.
Alaina attempted to take a screenshot of the TV with her phone, but sinceshe didn’t want to get off the couch and her phone is a piece of shit and doesn’t have a zoom function, she said ‘fuck it’ and — say it with me now — took a swig of her drink.

Anyway, this Carter person — a girl named Carter?  Okay, sure.  I mean, I once had a character named Toby where ‘Toby’ was a nickname for ‘Elizabeth’ — proceeds to READ THE SCREENSHOT.  Like we’re illiterate.

She narrates something about deciding between taking the coastal route from Oregon to Arizona or taking Interstate 5 or something and holy shit, is this really happening?  I am nowhere near drunk enough for this.  Wasn’t someone supposed to give me the drinking game rules?

She arrives in Arizona and meets the owner of the house.  This whole ‘journal entry’ is intercut with shots of her coming out of the shower, her sitting on her bed in a tiny bathrobe — like, dudes, this is supposed to be a horror movie, not Skinimax — and Seth Masterson making some reference to a movie that she hates that apparently I have never seen, because what movie is “step into the light” from, and why is he speaking in that creepy voice?  And what man whose family was MURDERED twenty years ago would be joking about EVIL POSSESSION MOVIES?

Y’know, in 2002, I was journaling on a laptop.  Why is Carter using a legal pad?  And wait, is she a skeptic?  Is her job to debunk or to prove?  Does she even know? 

This premise is turning into a prime example of how NOT to write.  “Here’s a haunted house.  Let’s call in a paranormal investigator and have her prove that there wasn’t a haunting, and we’ll pay her $5,000.  Oh, but here’s A TWIST: she has to work with a film crew she’s never met before.  How could this POSSIBLY go wrong?”  Jesus.  *chugs*

Also, Dear Director: why are you using such extreme close-ups?  Have you never heard of a mid-shot?  A two-shot?  Why are you up in their nostrils so much?

2:00 p.m.
The investigator stands on the porch and pushes her sunglasses warily onto the top of her head before going into the house.

Wait — she instantly draws a connection between the two stuffed birds in the Random Birdcage and the House, as if they were “stopped in time”?  That ain’t Miss Havisham’s wedding cake, Carter — it’s two stuffed parakeets with no additional meaning.

[If it ends up having additional meaning — I don’t really care, actually.]

3:30 p.m.
Colin Green nearly got kicked in the balls.

Yvette’s kind of a bitch, isn’t she?  Is she the first one that gets killed?  I really hope so.  Because in addition to being a bitch, she’s also a horrible actress.

Mary Young, the spiritual advisor? has a very oily face.  She looks like a bitchier, more pious verson of Tara Reid.

Why does Carter keep talking about the five thousand dollars?  Speaking as someone who has more bills than disposable income — and not knocking the idea of a five thousand dollar payday — in the grand scheme of things?  It’s not a lot of money!  Five HUNDRED thousand dollars, and the plot might be a bit more believable. 

I love the emphatic eating of the celery.  And no, that’s not a euphamism.

Oh.  Carter does call herself a skeptic.  That makes me feel a little better.  A little.  Not much.

This scene is one big info-dump.  Bor-ring.  It’s five minutes of “how to be a ghost hunter.”  Damn, Carter is a bitch, what with her dumping on the videographer.  Are we sure he doesn’t kill her?  And if she’s reading her journals, why is she explaining what she’s doing?  I HATE THIS MOVIE.

I ALSO HATE YVETTE.  Just let the ghost hunter do her job without trying to interrupt and ask questions.  The sooner she gets done, the sooner I get to go to bed and have creepy nightmares.

Why does Mary Young look familiar?  Seriously, she looks like a younger Rebekah on The Vampire Diaries.  But it’s not — and thank god.  I’d hate for there to be a connection between the show of my heart and this piece of crap.

Oh good, everyone feels cold.  Thank goodness everyone feels the same cold and heaviness in their chests.

Oh, is this the part where the religious person gets possessed and starts killing everyone and apparently also gets her period?  What — okay, this is where I go into my “I’m going to bash the shit out of this movie” mode and, much like when I was forced to watch The Evil Dead and my sarcasm forced my friends to turn the movie off because I wasn’t scared enough, tonight’s sarcastic bitch line is: this is going to be the worst PMS ever for you, Religious Girl.

[For those wondering, my Queen Bitch Ass line from The Evil Dead: the girl gets raped by the trees.  She manages to return to the cabin, and then proceeds to turn into … whatever it was, zombie? mass-murdering psycho?  I remember the gang of friends locking her in the basement, and there’s this shot of them all standing up, and no one says anything.  In that silence, from the couch, Alaina proclaims: “Well.  That’s one hell of an STD.”]

What just happened to the chair?  Because I’m going to go with ‘earthquake.’

Question: if the ghosts make sounds that can’t be heard by human ears, why are we spending so much time watching her listen to white noise?

WHOA — Religious Girl turns out to be Racist Girl!  I would have said “saw it coming,” but … duh.  Also, they’re in Arizona. 

Is there a reason why Mary Young’s microphone is turned down whereas Yvette’s microphone is turned up? 

DID SHE — DID SHE JUST PISS ON YVETTE’S LUGGAGE?  WHAT the FUCK was THAT?!

So now, they’ve established Yvette as a druggie slut.  She’s going to get her throat slit.  And that has nothing to do with ghosts and everything to do with being in Arizona.

Seriously, guys — how are you not figuring out already that Mary Young is the baby that didn’t actually drown?  Oh, right, because you didn’t realize that there was a baby that didn’t drown.  Kudos.  CAN I GO TO BED NOW, because I have a feeliing that either the acting’s going to get worse and/or the characters are going to get stupider, or it’s going to stop being stupid and start getting creepier, and I’m not sure I can take either of those options.

Okay, hold on, because I’m totally getting distracted.  So there’s, like, ten minutes of Yvette and Colin acting like whacked out idiots, and then there’s an actual ghost event, where a ghost runs through Carter, and then, she proclaims in complete melodramatic fashion, “She went THROUGH me, and I FELT her.”  And I Tweeted that, followed by “Nice read, Velma,” which is of course a quote from Archer.  And I’ve been scouring the interwebs for a clip of that from “Skytanic,” and of course I can’t find it, but you know what I did find?  Some awesome idiot has taken the virus that wrecks the ISIS computers and made a 57-minute long loop of it.  And I may have used that as background music while I typed up this paragraph (I DON’T REWIND, but I do pause so I can get my thoughts down before moving on to the next thought).  It’s scarily mesmerizing, and I think I just found a new game.

Also?  Totally found the Captain Lammers scene!  [Fast forward to 2:03 for my favorite scene in season one]

Jesus — I have now had the movie paused so much so I could type [read:got distracted by the interwebs] that I could have finished the damn movie by now if I had just paid attention.  But since I refuse to finish watching it in the morning, you’re just gonna have to deal with my insomnia and my distaste of the movie.

Dammit!  Just when I start to get bored with this movie, they go and do the one thing that would make like it just a little bit — they go to town and start slapping the shit out of each other.  What have I been saying for years weeks now?  Face-slapping makes everything better.

Dear Colin: you can’t call it a ‘fist fight’ if people don’t punch each other.  The word you were searching for was ‘bitchfest.’

And seriously, again — who didn’t call that Mary Young wasn’t actually supposed to be there?  And again — not having any preconceived notions about the movie aside from the excessive use of timestamps — we have to know that Mary Young is actually the sole survivor of the Masterson killing.

“I’ma find out about this bitch.”  Jesus, Yvette  Learn to read your line.

HAHAHAHA they taped the chair!  Brings to mind Jen’s wedding when Sarah and Marc were moving the cake but didn’t know where to move it to because there was no tape on the floor.  Ah, theatre.

Oh shit, the doorbell.  And it’s Mary Young.  And she’s going to kill everybody, right?  Seriously, I am falling asleep. 

WAIT — DID HER HEAD EXPLODE?  IS THAT HOW RELIGOUS GIRL DIES?  Because I admit that I’m half asleep as it is, but I get what the helment was for, but the gun was downstairs and not in her hand, right?  Which means that HER HEAD EXPLODED?

Okay — that was cool.

Wait — that was it?  No gore, no … just a quick turn around, a stab to the eye, and then you’re done, dead?  That’s — are you — WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

So obviously, Mary Young ended up being the killer, and now, let me guess — Carter is waking up and realizing that she is a ghost, and not only that, but she’s stuck in the house that she was investigating?  That’s a fitting end for a ghost hunter. 

And now, I’m going to make a reference to both Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and please know that I hate myself for making the reference: this movie has the same amount of endings as Return of the King, which is the mark of having a bad narrator. 

Also, they can afford the wacky special effects to show her as a Ghost Face, but they can’t afford corn syrup and red food coloring for more blood?  Because when I watch a movie called Death of a Ghost Hunter, I expect there to be buckets of blood.

THERE’S ANOTHER ENDING?  SERIOUSLY, DEATH OF A GHOST HUNTER, are you TRYING to be the LORD OF THE RINGS OF HORRIBLE MOVIES?

Many in the Ghost Hunting Community consider the evidence gathered by Carter Simms’ investigation of the Masterson House to be proof of the existence Life After Death… Since the events in 2002, the Masterson House has been regarded as one of the top Ten most active Hauntings in America.  In 2003, holy men from several denominations were asked to bless the house .. It is believed that their efforts were unsuccessful.

You know what was unsuccessful?  THIS MOVIE.  And granted, I probably would have enjoyed this a lot more if I had been playing the drinking game and discovering the badness along with everyone else but … JESUS.

(Good find, Jen.  Good find.)

WillBeFunOrElse: … WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
BigDamnHerosSir: bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha just copy that tweet.  You’ll need it again, I promise.
WillBeFunOrElse: But I may need to emphasize different words.  What the FUCK was that?  What the fuck WAS that?  What the fuck was THAT?

Grade for Death of a Ghost Hunter: WHAT the FUCK was THAT?!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Alaina's Friend Sarah Recommends

 

Insomniac Theatre: “That Certain Woman”

28 Apr

Aw man.  While I was debating on what to watch for tonight’s edition of Insomniac Theatre, I realized Bravo was showing Quantum of Solace.  And since the only man I love more than Daniel Craig right now is Ian Somerhalder and sadly, he’s not on TV right at the moment, I turned it on and began playing the game “Where does Stana Katic show up?”  And then I stopped playing because I’m getting only slightly bored (only slightly — Bond just took his shirt off and all of a sudden, things got interesting again), so I checked out Wikipedia and apparently, Stana Katic’s character doesn’t show up until the end.  Damn.

So I’m over it.  Also, I have actually seen Quantum of Solace, and I own the DVD, so I can wait on rewatching that and let’s kill some movies on Jeremy the TiVo, shall we?

Tonight’s entry is the last — oh, hold on, James just found Dying!Mathis.  *sadface*  What is it this week with the deaths of Epic Bromances?  First Damon and Alaric (*SNIFF* I’LL MISS YOU ALARIC, possibly only slightly less than Damon will), and now Bond and Mathis?  Awww… — Um, anyway.  Before I continue, dear Everyone I’ve Ever Met: I HAVE NO SHAME.  But most importantly,That Certain Womanis the last Bette Davis movie I have left from my rash of recording Bette Davis movies.  And the synopsis on imdb. leads me to believe that this one won’t be a comedy:

Mary Donnell, a young legal secretary with a past, elopes with a client’s son, but his father has the marriage annulled without knowing she’s pregnant.

What’s with Bette Davis movies and strange pregnant circumstances?  I mean, I knew she didn’t do too many ribald comedies, but this is a crazy amount of drama.  I swear, I am kicking myself for not recapping The Golden Arrow when I had the chance.

But before I can truly recap this bad boy, there is one thing I’m going to need: pajamas.  Be right back.

OKAY.  I am in pajamas, and I have vodka and Sprite.  If I don’t hit ‘play’ in the next five minutes, I’m going to end up watching the entirety of Quantum of Solace.  Play has been hit, vodka has been sipped, and the rating is a G.  Let’s dig in, shall we? 

That Certain Woman also stars Henry Fonda and — Anita Louise?  Didn’t she play one of Bette’s sisters in The Sisters?  She did!  She played Crazy Helen, the middle child!  I would say “this is going to be good,” but let’s face it — this isn’t going to be the happiest of movies.  But maybe she’ll play someone crazy again?

Bette Davis comes running out of the rain and onto a double-decker bus, carrying a bouquet and with her friend or possibly her mother.  When she gets on the bus, a shadowy guy tosses a newspaper at her, and the headline reads “Fourth Anniversary of the Valentine’s Day Massacre” or something like that.  I DON’T REWIND.  Anyway, apparently that has some significance for our heroine, because the next shot is of a headstone that dates someone dying at 30 back in 1929, and that’s who the bouquet is for.  So Bette Davis loved someone who died in the Valentine’s Day Massacre?  That’s my gal!

Meanwhile, a paparazzo has followed her and her friends to the cemetery, and he asks her to pose at the foot of the grave on which she is bestowing the flowers.  He thanks her as Mrs. Haines (the name on the headstone is Haines), but then her friend with the newspaper who also went with her and her other friend drags the paparrazzo over to the headstone in a rather awkward manner — apparently the Depression wouldn’t allow for a second, smoother take — and bangs the guy’s camera into pieces.  Ha!

The paparrazzo attempts to get Bette to buy him a new camera.  In what will surely become my new catchphrase, Bette Davis calls him a “fresh monkey” and orders him to scram.  Fresh Monkey?  Oh, that’s priceless!

Bette Davis is working as a secretary in a law office.  She seems to have a nice boss – he goes around singing and everything as he’s getting ready for lunch.  Everything’s going well, until the paparrazzo from the cemetery shows up and asks her to sign something that gives him the right to publish a tell-all about her dead husband.  She asks him to leave in no uncertain terms — but without calling him a ‘fresh monkey’ again — and then her boss, Mr. Rogers, resues her.  And he reveals that he always knew that she was Al Haines’s widow, and that she’s okay with him.  As imdb. says, Al Haines was a gangster, so Bette Davis is trying to keep out of the mob.  Good on you, Bette. 

Mr. Rogers goes out and … invites the paparrazzo out to lunch?  What?  Mr. Rogers comments that it’s so wet out, that it’s a great day for ducks.  Fun Fact!  Ducks actually hate the rain.  He runs into Henry Fonda, who is apparently Bette Davis’s boyfriend.  Awww… he’s kind of a goober.  I like that.

Bette Davis goes out to a restaurant where she runs into an old gangster acquaintance while she waits for Henry Fonda.  She thinks he’s stood her up, but he shows up after all, and then he takes her home, and I think he tries to get her to ask him up to her apartment, but she tells him that they’re just very good friends.  And apparently, Henry Fonda has Daddy Issues.  I’m not sure what the deal is between Hank and Daddy — it hasn’t been discussed at length at this point.  But hey, Henry Fonda is asking Bette Davis to marry him. 

Henry Fonda goes over to Mr. Rogers and Mr. Rogers tells Henry Fonda all about Bette Davis’s past.  Aw, does Mr. Rogers love Bette Davis too?  I’d be surprised if he didn’t.  After all, a) of all, everybody loves Bette Davis, but b) of all, all men are in love with their secretaries in some way.  But the most important part of this whole scene that I’m watching is that the next day, Mr. Rogers goes to the office after playing poker the entire night before, and he swivels a bookcase around and on the other side of the bookcase is a full wet bar!  Can I have one of those?!  That one little thing would satisfy three of my fantasies: 1) an awesome library, 2) an awesome bar, and 3) the ability to reenact the scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy and his father are tied to the chairs and the poker makes the fireplace swivel and they end up in a Nazi switchboard room.

Anyway, Mr. Rogers sends Bette Davis out to marry Henry Fonda, and it’s all very blah, and honestly, I’m regretting a bit not actually watching Quantum of Solace to the end.

(I may have just paused That Certain Woman to be able to rewind Quantum of Solace so I could watch the ending.  Shut up.  Hey, Detective Beckett!  On another yet similar note, can I has Skyfall now?  How about now?  When can then be now?  THAT’S NOT SOON ENOUGH)

Bette Davis and Henry Fonda get married, but then it looks like Henry Fonda’s father interrupts the honeymoon.  Ouch — that’s not even remotely cool, Henry Fonda’s Dad.  Henry Fonda wants to stay married, but Henry Fonda’s Dad doesn’t want them to be married.  To the tune of HOLY SHIT HE JUST BACKHANDED HENRY FONDA.  And Henry Fonda’s Dad believes that she is a gangster’s moll and is trying to insinuate herself into the Fonda family for nefarious deeds and reasons. 

While Henry Fonda is trying to convince his dad that Bette Davis is as fantastic a woman as we all know her to be, Bette Davis bolts in the night.  The cool thing was that the detective who once arrested her when she was married to the gangster defended her.  But she still runs back home.

But hey!  Then a year passes — or possibly two — and now Bette Davis has a baby!  Hell, that was a very productive three-hour honeymoon.  She’s working at Mr. Rogers’s law office again, and I still say that Mr. Rogers is in love with her.  This same morning, Bette Davis learns that Henry Fonda married another girl.  She is determined to remain solvent on her own, without asking Henry Fonda’s family or father for help.

She goes into another room to take a phone call, where it’s revealed that Henry Fonda and his new wife were in a terrible car accident IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE and the chauffeur was killed and Mr. and Mrs. Henry Fonda are in a hospital, unconscious.  I’m sorry, but this just reinforces the fact that, should I ever go to France, I am not driving ANYWHERE.

Mr. Rogers sends Bette Davis on a trip to get her mind off things.  NOT TO FRANCE?!

Fast-forward, like, two more years, and now Jack Jr. is 4 years old, and Mr. Rogers is apparently extremely sick.  One day, Mr. Rogers runs away from his home or hospital or wherever he is, and a private detective or someone goes to Bette Davis’s home, hoping to find Mr. Rogers.  Mr. Rogers did end up at Bette Davis’s apartment, and he claims that he asked his wife for a divorce, that he loves Bette Davis, that he wants to marry her.  But he has a fever and something awful, though it’s never said what he has, so Bette Davis writes his feelings off as nonsense.

I’m sorry — what kind of plotline is this?  I mean, I get that everyone loves Bette Davis, but when does Henry Fonda come back?  Anyway, Mr. Rogers dies, and there’s some big frouferah about how Bette Davis was having an affair with Mr. Rogers (which wasn’t true), and the paparrazzi were able to take a picture of her kid.  She decides to run away, but then — then!  — Henry Fonda shows up!  But he’s still married to the other woman.

And he has the gall – THE GALL – to go over to Bette Davis’s house, and out of the ‘goodness of his heart,’ offer to adopt her son to ‘help her out.’  She absolutely refuses, but she still introduces her son to Henry Fonda, which is something I wouldn’t have done.  Maybe.  I’m not sure, seeing as how I’ve never been in the situation where I’ve had a baby and not told the father.

I’m not going to delete that sentence, but please note as you reread that sentence that it is currently 2:39 a.m., and I can’t be held responsible for my typing actions.  I don’t rewind, I don’t retype, and nothing good happens after two a.m.

Anyway, Bette Davis wants to run away with her son and tells Henry Fonda her plans.  But Henry Fonda’s Dad puts a restraining order out on Bette Davis and tries to adopt the son out from under Bette Davis because he thinks Bette Davis is an unfit mother.  Henry Fonda barges in and berates his father, and he and Bette Davis are back in love.

The next day — what is with this movie and such abrupt transitions? — Henry Fonda’s Wife shows up at Bette Davis’s house, and she tells Bette Davis that, yeah, she’s in love with Henry Fonda, but Henry Fonda loves Bette Davis, so she’s willing to give Henry Fonda up so he can be happy.  But then Bette Davis says that she doesn’t love Henry Fonda!  WHAT!?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU — BUT ISN’T THIS — AHCK.  I kind of hate this movie right now. 

Also, in case I forgot to mention this up above, remember that car accident that Henry Fonda and his Wife were in?  Well, it left Henry Fonda’s Wife paralyzed in a wheelchair for life.  And you know the horrible parts?  Number One: Her name is ‘Flip.’  Flip?  FLIP?!  THAT’S A HORRIBLE NAME FOR A CRIPPLE.  Number Two: Actually, not so horrible — I’m going to hell.  But Number Three: When Bette Davis offered to push her wheelchair, I went to the Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? place.

Henry Fonda and his wife leave, and then Bette Davis makes some kind of decision, and asks her roommate slash maid or whatever to take the son and put him in his sailor suit.  Then she quickly types up a letter to Jack and seals it, but we don’t know what it says.  Is she giving up her son?  Is she sending the little kid to his father’s house to live with him?  WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Yeah, you’re regretting it now, aren’t you?  Bette Davis, as much as I love you, your character just made some bad decisions. 

FOLLOWED BY AN EVEN WORSE ONE.  Now she’s in Monte Carlo — what the fuck?  — with a little dog?  And — what the FUCK is going on?

Oh man — please tell me there will be some poetic justice and she takes a car ride and gets in an accident and becomes paralyzed?  That will be awful and yet fantastic at the same time.  And I never want to wish Bette Davis harm, but this movie is getting slightly ridiculous.

Nope, no car accident — just a trans-Atlantic phone call from Henry Fonda after Bette Davis learns that ‘Flip’ died last year, because apparently it’s over a year since the last scene?  Transitions, people!  Anyway, with Flip out of the picture, they are now safe to be a big, crazy, happy family because apparently now Henry Fonda’s Father doesn’t give a shit — or maybe he died too and no one told Bette? — but the best part is that we don’t even see the actual reconciliation and the movie’s over and holy shit, that was even worse than The Sisters.

I mean, why was it even called That Certain Woman?  Because I’m not entirely sure the title meant what I think they thought it did.

Grade for That Certain Woman: Meh.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Insomniac Theatre

 

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

19 Apr

OH MY GOD YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS

I had almost a thousand words already typed up about this STUPID MOVIE, and due to an errant thumb, it navigated away from the post page, and unlike SOME WEB BLOGS ONLINE, with WordPress, when you hit “backspace” it returns you to the page you were at without the DRAFT AVAILABLE TO RESTORE.  So NOW, I have to rewrite EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Well, FUCK THAT SHIT, because this movie SUCKS.  In FACT, the reason my thumb slipped in the first place was because I was FALLING ASLEEP.  And I said, “I’m going take a little catnap, because I am totally not watching ANY OF THIS.”  So I turned off the DVD player, and was looking forward to a half-hour nap when the PHONE RANG, and it was some fake cancer society on the phone because I’m sorry, the real American Cancer Society is doing well enough on its own that it doesn’t need to solicit donations over the phone, so I hung up on them and then realized oh shit, I’m awake, I may as well get back into the movie, and now here we are, and all I can think of is “Knock knock, who’s there? Cancer.  Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!” [fast forward to 1:58 for the joke.]

So here’s the quick I Don’t Give A Fuck Recap of the whole … holy shit, that whole bitchass was only eighteen minutes?  Fuck.

Fighting fighting fighting … *gasp* they killed R2’s red cousin, R4!  Oh the humanity!  Stupid elevator shenanigans … Anakin sensed Count Dooky, whereas Obi-Wan sensed a trap, at which point Alaina did her Admiral Akbar impersonation … there was some ranting about how, even though I’ve never seen Return of the Jedi, this movie seems eerily similar … Oh, I did the usual transcription nonsense, but there were no new awesome typos, so I’ll skip that here … and more elevator shenanigans and then HOLY SHIT ANAKIN JUST SLICED OFF COUNT DOOKY’S HANDS and then WAS THAT HIS HEAD TOO and I swear, even though it hasn’t been revealed (yet), I still suspect that Senator Chancellor Palpatine or whoever was behind his kidnapping, much like that guy in that other movie I’ve watched, because the title of this blog notwithstanding, I’ve seen alot of movies, you guys.

Okay.  Let me put up the poster —

— and let’s get back into this pile of filth, shall we?

Oh, right, I had some comments about General Grevious having a cough and wondering how a droid can cough, and then I decided I didn’t care and was tired.

Anakin is landing the spaceship (oh jesus, there’s a joke in here about Cyril and Archer but I’m too tired to make it right now), and he says “We’re coming in too hot.”  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.  Then Obi-Wan smiles and says it’s another happy landing, and I really need to watch more (good) movies with Ewan McGregor in them, because he’s incredibly lovely.  Without the icky beard.  Why does he look like a Civil War general in this movie — oh, wait.  I get it.

Hey, it’s Sgt. Nick Fury!  Sidebar: I kind of love that The Avengers comes out on May the Fourth.  Why have not as many geeks come out with more jokes about that?

Apparently Jimmy Smits is playing Senator Organa, who will most likely end up being Leia’s adopted father, correct?  Why is Amidala wearing her hair in cinnamon buns?  And why is she hiding in the corner?  NOBODY PUTS PADME IN THE CORNER.  And she’s pregnant?!  Oh man … too many Dirty Dancing jokes, not enough time.  How have they not revealed they’re married yet?  Why is it such a secret?  Are Jedis not allowed to marry — like priests?  Am I overthinking this movie?

General Grevious is told to bring the infidels to Mustafa.  What’s the Lion King’s father doing in this movie?

Oh god … Anakin and Amidala are playing the “I love you more” game — “No, I love you more, no you hang up first.”  No, you gag me with a spoon first.

And Anakin is having nightmares about the birth of his children.  And frankly, I’d be a little worried about putting more meat on your bones, Ani.  There’s having a six-pack, and then there’s having a six-pack of lightweight near-beer.  You have the latter.  Go eat a sandwich and follow it with a Guiness or something.

Anakin goes to talk to Yoda about his premonition nightmares.  Yoda’s advice is to “let it go.”  Yeah, cuz that will work.  Meanwhile, Senator Chancellor Palpatine has requested an audience with Anakin.  He wants him to be his representative on the Jedi Council.  Is it my turn to say “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”?

The Council allows Anakin to join the council, but refuse to make him a Master, and he throws a Jedi-sized hissy fit, because after all, he’s barely twenty-five, and thinks he knows everything.  Oh, the curse of the college graduate — thinks they know everything, and yet knows nothing.  And believe me when I am saying that based upon my own experience.

Anakin believes that Palpatine is a good guy.  Anakin is apparently blinder than we thought.  With a name like “Palpatine,” he can’t be a good guy.  And seriously, could there be a shot of Palpatine and Sidious in the same room at the same time?  Because until that happens, I am going to continue to believe that they are one and the same person.

Anakin is talking to Amidala about his troubles, and HOLD THE PHONE — what the fuck is Amidala wearing?!  She’s got, like, this grandma sweater on and a babushka on her head — she looks like a gypsy woman.  All she’s missing is the missing tooth and the one gold earring.  And now, all I can hear in my head is Carol Tunt yelling “JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID!” 

Oh look it’s a night at the opera or something.  Maybe it’s the Oscars.  With giant bubbles of water?  Evil Chancellor Palpatine is enjoying the Bubble Oscars and trying to turn Anakin against the Jedi Council, because CLEARLY, Palpatine is trying to turn him into Sidious’s new apprentice, because PALPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS.  I swear to god, I had better be right about this.

Holy shit, Chancellor Palpatine’s just spent about five minutes planting evil seeds in Anakin’s ear about midichlorians and overthrowing the Jedi Council and all sorts of other shit and all I know is that I haven’t been paying attention because I AM BORED.

Hey, it’s Chewbacca!  Hey, it’s a bunch of Chewbaccas!  Chewbacci?  Wookies.  A bunch of Wookies.  And there’s fightng and robotic octopusses – octopi? – coming out of the water and Yoda almost gets shot and then Lucas cuts away from the battle to show a conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan which practically screams “Anakin is playing Obi-Wan because he loves Palpatine more.”  It makes me feel bad for Obi-Wan for not being able to see through his shit.  I want to go up to him, shake his shoulders and shout, “He’s USING you, Obi-Wan!”  And then I realize I’d be touching Ewan McGregor and I jerk my hands back to avoid getting a restraining order.

Holy crap, Obi-Wan’s riding a dragon.  Or something.  He somehow manages to sneak up on General Grevious, and then there’s a super laser fight joust session where Obi-Wan only has one light saber, whereas Grevious has, like, three.  Because he’s a droid with tons of arms.  Seriously, he’s like a scorpion with a cough that can turn into a wheel?  What the fuck is going on?

Oh my god, Obi-Wan and Grevious are still fighting?  There was a whole scene in the middle of this where Senator Chancellor Palpatine pretty much called Anakin out on his wife-having, secret-having ways, and Obi-Wan has not stopped fighting Anakin yet.  This is ridiculous. 

Obi-Wan finally kills Grevious, whereas Anakin confesses to Nick Fury that he thinks Palpatine’s a Sith Lord.  Nick Fury tells Anakin to stay out of it, and then there’s some lingering looks and thinking on both Amidala’s and Anakin’s part.  Meanwhile, Nick Fury goes to arrest Palpatine, and HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT Palpatine just fucking JUMP-TWIRLS out of his seat trying to kill Nick Fury!  Pretty spry for an old guy.

Also, I was totally right, Palpatine is Darth Sidious.  Of course, the whole reveal was telegraphed two movies ago, so, I’ll be a little quieter in my I Told You So dance.

And then Senator Sidious totally tricks Anakin into letting Sidious kill Nick Fury.  What the fuck.  I’d be pissed, but then I remember that in two weeks,The Avengers comes out, so I get better.

So that’s how Anakin goes to the Dark Side — out of love for Amidala.  Of course; it’s always a woman.  Palpatine names him Darth Vader, and I wonder how he picked that name out of thin air.  Does the naming of Darths follow the naming of hurricanes?  Like, there’s Darth Sidious, and somewhere between then and now there was Darth Tourniquet and Darth Urethra, and now the next one after Anakin will be Darth Walden?  How does that work?

The rebellion against the Jedis has begun, and I’ve lost all interest.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are hiding, because obviously, they need to survive to return in the next movies.  Amidala is waiting for Anakin’s return, but he’s crossed to the dark side of the force, baby, so he’s not coming — oh wait, there he is.  Damn, this movie proves me wrong.  Bastards.

Hey, lava!  I had a feeling this was coming.  I remember hearing a rumor that Anakin falls into a boiling pit of lava to fully turn into Darth Vader.  I’m glad to see I wasn’t making that up.

Amidala and a stowaway Obi-Wan end up at the volcano to confront Anakin.  Anakin is operating under the delusion that he has brought peace to the Empire, and Obi-Wan tries to convince him that he’s still good.  Fails.  And now they’re fighting.  Fighting fighting fighting.  But hey, at least they’re no longer talking.  Dear George Lucas: take a dialogue class, because this is not the fun snappy dialogue I’ve heard occurs between Han Solo and Leia.  This is awful.

Now Yoda and Sidious are fighting in the Senate at the same time that Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting on the volcano.  And I am so bored, I’m actually yelling at the screen for him to slip and fall already.  I can’t wait to mail this back.

Holy shit, Anakin looks like a zombie after Obi-Wan cut his legs off.  You know what?  I’d watch that movie.  Zombie Star Wars.  I think I could get behind that.

So the babies are born, and I’m sad because apparently Amidala names them Luke and Leia arbitrarily while in a pain-induced fog.  At the same time the babies are born, Darth Vader is all masked up.  Fun Fact!  Did you know that Darth Vader’s iconic mask was based off of ancient Samurai battle armor?  You didn’t?  Neither did I, until last Thursday.

Aww… Darth Vader’s first question was about Amidala.  So he can love!  He just kills that which he loves!  Oh seriously?  The agonized NOOOOOO ?  Lucas, at this point, I will max out my credit card and send you to a playwriting class.  You have the Learning Annex in Los Angeles, right?

They split the babies up – as predicted, Jimmy Smits adopts Leia, and Obi-Wan drops Luke off with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.  The couple looks off into the double sunset in a shot that echoes one of the first with Luke, wanting his freedom and adventure, and also, Amidala’s dead.

And the awful trilogy’s finally over!  And I am renewed with faith that the rest of them will be better.  Right?  I mean, at least they have Harrison Ford in them. 

Grade for Revenge of the Sith: Yay It’s Over!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Star Wars

 

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

07 Apr

Oh yeah.  We’re doing this.  I mean, a of all, yes, it’s a Friday evening and I don’t have anything to do, so it looks like I’m going to potentially ruin what could be a good Friday night (Holy shit, I just got what I did there – heh), but also, it’s 5 o’clock.  Which means I can drink to it and it isn’t white-trashy, and also, I won’t sleep through it because it’s 5 o’clock, not almost midnight, but best of all, when it sucks, it’ll still be early enough for me to go out to get the taste of it out of my mouth.

Alaina Patterson: Champion Rambler since 1996.

wait, is this supposed to be a romance?

Now, unlike The Phantom Menace, I have no preconceived notions about this movie.  (Except that it’s gonna suck.)  In fact, here’s the Things I Know Going In About Attack of the Clones:

  • Anakin is now a teenager, played by Hayden Christensen, which puts Attack of the Clones about ten years later than Phantom Menace.
  • Natalie Portman still plays Queen Amidala, and does not look ten years older.
  • MAYBE Queen Amidala has some super anti-aging potion or something to keep her looking young, while Anakin has some super aging shit so he can hurry up and be a Jedi already?
  • Also, there is a romance that blossoms between Amidala and Anakin.  To me, that is creepy, because I just saw the movie where Anakin’s a ten-year-old.
  • Also also, there are attacks, most likely by clones.

And here are the questions I have that I hope get answered:

  1. HOW in PLUPERFECT HELL is George Lucas going to make the Amidala/Anakin romance NOT CREEPY?!
  2. What are the clones OF?  I mean, are they robots?  Are they clones of other aliens or humans?  ARE THEY ZOMBIE CLONES BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC
  3. Oh please let there be zombies!!
  4. That wasn’t a question.
  5. Okay, how’s this?  Once the clones are determined, what are they attacking?  And how?  Bombs or flash mobs?  Terrorist attacks or really bad stand-up?  All are attacks!
  6. Will Ewan McGregor be awesome and/or naked in this one?  I could use a little hot-guy-action.

And before I hit play, all I can think of is the past two months where I have been horribly hesitant to actually watch this and Revenge of the Sith.  I mean, I know these movies suck, but I’ve also heard great things about the other three movies — the first ones, the original ones.  But because of my psychotic personality, I have the masochistic need to watch The Stupid Three first.  So I’m just going to dig in and get shit done, because eventually, there are other, better movies to watch out there, and then I’ll never have to watch these again.  Right?  (I mean, I can hear Brad whining about Dead Poets Society from here.  And I’m sorry, but informal survey: How many of you guys call that ‘DPS’?  Seriously?)  Right.  Okay.  Here I go.  (Oh shit, where’s my vodka?)

[Oh, and after hearing all my friends talking about excessive timestamps after watching Death of a Ghost Hunter on Netflix, I’m going to stop with the timestamping.  And no, I haven’t watched that yet, and yes, I will eventually, but someone needs to give me the drinking game rules first.]

THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST REAL-TIME TRANSCRIPTION OF ALL TIME.  I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS FOR CORRECTNESS.

“There is unrest in the Galactiac Senat.  Esveral thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Reupblic.

This eparatist movement, under the leadership of themysterious Gount Dooky, has made it difficutl for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peance and order in the galazxy.

Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC TO ASSIST THE OVERWHELMED jEDI…”

OH MY GOD GOUNT DOOKY.  I could NOT make that up if I tried!!  Also, the above is why I’m not a court stenographer.  I can type 90 words a minute, but it won’t be pretty.  Or legible.  Or correct.  But GOD will it be hilarious.

Yay R2!  My favorite character returns!  And then the pilot dude of the ship or whatever has the CLASSIC ROOKIE BLUNDER of stating “I guess there was no danger at all,” because not FOUR SECONDS LATER, the ship or whatever BURSTS INTO FLAME.

DUDE.  Have you not seen “School Hard”?  When Willow and Buffy both hit Xander for cursing our beloved heroine with the fatal words, “How bad can it be?”  NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, because then you’ll be saddled with running Parent Night on the Night of St. Vigius, and also, Spike will be there and try to kill your mom.

Also included in the mantra of Curse Statements: “It could be worse”; “It can’t get any worse”; and “This is a cute cemetery with no record of weird shit.”

Trust me on that last one.

Anyway, Senator Queen Amidala’s double was killed in the blast, and the dude with one eye walks her away from the crash site so she can go to Senate.

Sgt. Nick Fury and Master Yoda are advising Senator Palpatine or whoever the old dude is on whether there’s going to be a civil war between the republic and the … non-republic.  But then Senator Queen Amidala breezes in with her entourage and Yoda expresses concern on the fact that she was almost killed.  Sgt. Nick Fury believes it’s disgruntled moon farmers on Naboo or something (I DON’T REWIND), whereas Senator Queen Amidala believes it’s Gount Dooky.  Someone suggests that Amidala be put under the Jedi protection but then JIMMY SMITS IS THERE!?  What the fuck is he doing in this movie?!

So Obi Wan Kenobi is going to protect Amidala and since Anakin is Obi Wan’s apprentice, he’s going to be along for the ride.  Oh great, and Jar Jar is there too.  Whoopee.  Anakin begins by putting his Padawan foot right into his Padawan mouth and pledging to learn who was trying to kill her.  Obi Wan reminds Anakin to stop focusing on the negative (because apparently, that way goes the dark side — OH WAIT.  And also, maybe I shouldn’t recommend that the young Padawan reads Bright Sided?).

Meanwhile, HEY IT’S BOBA FETT!  Right?  That’s who that was?  Anyway, his client is ordering him to kill Amidala, so he gives some chick some canister that’s full of hella poisonous things or something and it goes right to Amidala’s room and spits out two EEEWWWW WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?  ARE THOSE CENTIPEDES?  R2-D2, YOU’RE THE WORST LOOKOUT EVER So the Jedis go running into Amidala’s room, and Obi Wan fucking JUMPS out the window and grabs onto the delivery robot after Anakin kills the slugs with his light saber (that’s what she said?), and now Anakin’s chasing Obi Wan through traffic and I think there’ll be a long enough chase scene for me to be able to eat a popsicle.

Nope, because Boba Fett or whoever shoots Obi Wan off the robot and now he’s hurtling through space and do those planets even have a ground?  Anyway, Anakin rescues Obi Wan and now they’re chasing the thing and can I please have enough time to eat my popsicle?

Mmm… orange.

Oh … Coruscant does have a street level.  Must be where the lowly peons walk.

Obi Wan (to Anakin): Why do I have the feeling that you’re going to be the death of me?
Ohhh…. that’s …. ouch.
[Yeah, that’s right — never seen A New Hope, but I know that.]

They find the chick, they know she’s working for a bounty hunter (BOBA FETT), and then they break up the wonder team of Anakin and Obi Wan by sending Obi Wan to find the bounty hunter and Anakin to escort Amidala back to Naboo.  She’s leaving Jar Jar behind as her representative?!  No wonder there’s a civil war!

Oh jeez.  Anakin’s having all sorts of ~feelings about wanting to move beyond Padawan status.

And there’s the first “May the Force be with you.”  Except I never poured me some vodka, and Diet Coke w/Lime just isn’t the same.

AND ANOTHER SENTENCE TO ADD TO THE CURSED STATEMENTS: “Don’t worry; we have R2 with us.”

What the hell is this diner place?  It looks like the place where Marty McFly tried to order a Tab and/or a Pepsi Free.

And then Obi Wan gets the smackdown from a librarian.  Awesome.

Meanwhile, in a homeless shelter, Anakin is trying to tell Amidala that he loves her, going so far as to tell her he dreams about her.  Look, dudes?  Here’s a hint.  People dream about people all the time.  But no one wants to know that other people dream about them.  Because then, if I were to find out that a friend was dreaming about me, I’d be wondering, is it a sex dream?  Or a dream where he’s running away from clowns and I’m there laughing at him?  EITHER WAY IT’S BAD.

OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVER!  The Youngling Jedis saying “Good evening, Master Obi Wan” is ADORABLE!!  And now they’re searching for a planet in the middle of a black hole?  Oh, apparently someone erased some files from an archive or something.  I WONDER IF IT WAS GOUNT DOOKY WHY IS NO ONE SUSPECTING THE PERSON WITH THE AWFUL NAME

I kind of love that Anakin is rocking an ascot.  I just … it’s so dapper and weird and awesome.  And he’s taking offense at being ignored.  Oh, young Padawan.

Oh, that voice is familiar.  Who plays the Prime Minister of the weird tall white alien planet?  WAIT, THEY MADE A CLONE ARMY FOR THE REPUBLIC?

Weird Tall White Alien Prime Minister: But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.
Alaina: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

I just realized why I couldn’t look up the voice of the weird Prime Minister – George Lucas gave him an actual name but then neglected to mention it in passing, so I’m left with no recourse but to make more That’s What She Said jokes.

Anakin doesn’t like sand because it’s coarse, and rough, and gets everywhere… like in your cold dead eyes, Woodhouse?  And now he’s kissing Amidala.  And I was just about to say that I know that won’t end well, because I’ve literally seen how this saga ends (SPOILER ALERT Darth Vader dies, gets burned, and his ashes go up into the stars and Leia and Han smile beatifically while Ewoks dance), but then Amidala cuts me off because she also knows it’s a bad idea.

Ah, the clones are human.  Ish.  And Jango Fett’s the original Host?  Wait — is that where STORM TROOPERS COME FROM?

Oh man, Amidala and Anakin are cavorting in a field, and the bohemian hippie shit is making me gag on my Diet Coke.  Jeez, I was kidding about the cavorting, but no, now they’re literally rolling around in a field.

OH GOD A BABY BOBA FETT!!  Holy shit that’s crazy!

Is it just me, or does it seem strangely appropriate that, when Anakin professes his love for Amidala, she’s kind of wearing a dominatrix outfit?  I mean, it’s black leather with a collar and a corset that pushes her boobs up to Naughty Thought Town, and there’s a fireplace and shoulder length leather gloves and COME ON!  Seriously?

Okay, I totally just took a little break to surf the web for a little bit.  Because face it, this would be naptime if I were watching this as part of Insomniac Theatre.  Meanwhile, Jango Fett has a jetpack! And the ability to walk on walls like Spider-Man!  Until Obi-Wan comes in with his flying ninja kick!  But then Jango head-butts him* until he catches on some fishing line and almost pulls a John McClane over the edge of the building, until finally Jango thinks he’s dead and Obi Wan races back up to the pad launching site and throws a homing device onto the ship, and I’m all, duh?  And also, Jango: that’s why you don’t wear heavy armor when you’re flailing around on a rainy roof.  Because then you can’t climb back up.

*Sidebar — wouldn’t that be more like, hit a guy in the head, then turn around really quickly and then hit him again with your butt?

Seriously, I’m bored.  So there’s an asteroid chase and whatever, and then we add to the list of Cursed Statements with “Stay near the ship, R2,” which is just about as bad as “Stay in the car, Chuck.”  Anakin and Amidala go to meet the Lars family (Uncle Owen!  Aunt Beru!  And, again, I knew that before watching A New Hope, so, suck it, y’all), and apparently Anakin’s mother has been kidnapped but no one went after her?  What?  Oh sure, Elder Lars, blame your injury.  Whatever.

Dear Elder Lars: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about young Padawan Anakin, it’s that he will never accept anything on faith.  He needs to see the stupid shit he brings about with his own eyes.  So he leaves Amidala with his stepfamily and takes a weird spacebike to the other side of Tattooney to find his mommy.

I’m sorry — that sounds heartless.  I wouldn’t wish a kidnapped mother on anyone, but this movie … good lord.

THERE’S STILL AN HOUR LEFT IN THIS MOVIE?!  WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS!?

Hey, it’s Christopher Lee!  Playing Evil Old Guys (And Vampires) So You Don’t Have To: Since 1896.  And he’s playing Gount Dooky!  As he should be, because Gount Dooky is the King of All Evil.

Oh good — Anakin found his mother.  I’m not being snarky, I’m legitimately glad he’s found his mother, so he can get closure.

And by “closure,” I of course mean “killing tons of people when she dies.”  That Yoda is apparently able to overhear and yet do nothing to stop.

Oh man — I almost thought that Sgt. Nick Fury was going to, like, lounge on that pillow.  The way he went to sit, I almost thought he was going to end up laying on his side, holding his head up by one arm, and look at Yoda and go, “Whatcha doin’?”

Watch out, Obi Wan!  There’s a pterodactyl above you!  (Perhaps it’s the Motherfucking Pterodactyl?)

So Anakin admits to mass murder in the name of his mother — including women and children, which, wow, okay — and Amidala just looks at him and says, “It’s okay to be angry – it’s human.”  WHAT?  Padme, honey — he just killed an entire village.  Maybe now’s the time to run away?

Uh oh — Gount Dooky has Obi Wan trapped in a force field.  And he’s talking about someone called Darth Sidious?  Why didn’t you just name him Darth Evil?  Because seriously, the only name better than that would be Freddie Foreshadowing.

Obi Wan: I’ll never join you, Dooku.
That just sounds … so ridiculous.

Oh Jesus … speaking of sounding ridiculous: Jar Jar is addressing the Senate.  There’s no way this can go well.  Oh, BULLSHIT, Senator Palpatine!  You’ve been orchestrating this takeover for years!  Lemme guess — he’s Darth Sidious?  Because seriously, that’s how I would have written this.

Oh dear Lord and Savior, please cut short the Droid Shenanigans, please.  I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I’ve had that dream!  The one where you’re on a conveyor belt, and ducking obstacles like you’re in some crazy video game?  And now C3P-O’s a drone clone or whatever, and R2D2’s somewhere saving the day, as he usually does, and Amidala’s about to get molten lava poured over her, and oh gee, I wonder how this will end?

NO YOU DON’T, Amidala.  You do NOT love Anakin.  You love the IDEA of him.  And what the hell are those things, Jabberwockys?  ANAKIN – did you not listen to me earlier about Cursed Statements?  Having a “bad feeling about this” is not allowed, tradition be damned.

And here come the Jedis, to the rescue!  Because the bad guys have also brought in the clone droids or whatever, and I’m starting to get even more bored than I was twenty minutes ago.

Fighting fighting fighting … light sabers flashing and making that light saber noise … C3P-O being annoying … Jango Fett getting trampled by a Jabberwocky … Jango Fett killing the Jabberwocky (but where’s his vorpal sword? — oh wait, Sgt. Nick Fury had the vorpal sword, because HOLY SHIT HE JUST DECAPITATED JANGO FETT)

Oh … my GOD.  C3P-O.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

Okay, hi, I have a question?  Where are — oh shit.  I just answered my own question.  I mean, I was going to ask if this movie was called “Attack of the Clones,” and the Jango Fetts with the Tall White Weird Things were the clones in question, when were they going to attack?  And then they attacked.  Or, at least, rescued the heroes and shot their guns a little bit, but not enough to actually attack.  Oh, and they left C3P-O and R2D2 there.

Oh shit, is there more fighting?  Seriously?  I’M BORED.  LET SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN ALREADY.

Your communications have been jammed?  Was it Raspberry Jam, by chance?

Great.  Now there’s an actual war.  I swear to god, this movie’s never going to end, is it?

The Ultimate Weapon?  The Death Star, perchance?  Yeah, that’s the Death Star.  Guys — maybe, before building it, you should look into that one little corridor that leads directly to the self-destruct button?  Just sayin’.

Oh man — from the angle I’m watching it, it looked a minute like Christopher Lee was riding a space bike into war.  Thank god he’s not.  I would have made way more fun of it.

How can you handle it, Obi Wan?  You’re out of rockets and ONE OF YOU lost his light saber again!  Oh, it looks like he found another one.  And then he runs right into Sauron and is surprised when he gets knocked unconscious.

WHOA!  SAURON JUST CUT ANAKIN’S ARM OFF!  Oh god … the Arrested Development jokes …

Wait … Yoda fights in this movie?  Did I know that?  I’m not sure.  Yeah, guys, shoot your guns at Gount Dooky’s transport.  BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS WORKS.

Also wait … I thought the hooded guy was going to be Senator Palpatine … unless it IS Senator Palpatine?

Okay, so, the “shroud of the Dark Side” or whatever has fallen, and the Clone War, begun, it has, but … is that where the Clone Wars animated series starts?  BECAUSE I AM NOT WATCHING THAT.  And no, seriously, why is Jimmy Smits there?!

Oh great — those two crazy kids got married.  Because that will end well.  HAHAHAHA Anakin has a skeleton hand for a hand!  Apparently the technology necessary to fly between planets exists, but to make an authentic artificial hand, we’re going to have to wait another thirty years.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

<b>Grade for <i>Attack of the Clones</i></b>: Thank God it’s over!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 7, 2012 in Star Wars