OH MY GOD YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS
I had almost a thousand words already typed up about this STUPID MOVIE, and due to an errant thumb, it navigated away from the post page, and unlike SOME WEB BLOGS ONLINE, with WordPress, when you hit “backspace” it returns you to the page you were at without the DRAFT AVAILABLE TO RESTORE. So NOW, I have to rewrite EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.
Well, FUCK THAT SHIT, because this movie SUCKS. In FACT, the reason my thumb slipped in the first place was because I was FALLING ASLEEP. And I said, “I’m going take a little catnap, because I am totally not watching ANY OF THIS.” So I turned off the DVD player, and was looking forward to a half-hour nap when the PHONE RANG, and it was some fake cancer society on the phone because I’m sorry, the real American Cancer Society is doing well enough on its own that it doesn’t need to solicit donations over the phone, so I hung up on them and then realized oh shit, I’m awake, I may as well get back into the movie, and now here we are, and all I can think of is “Knock knock, who’s there? Cancer. Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!” [fast forward to 1:58 for the joke.]
So here’s the quick I Don’t Give A Fuck Recap of the whole … holy shit, that whole bitchass was only eighteen minutes? Fuck.
Fighting fighting fighting … *gasp* they killed R2’s red cousin, R4! Oh the humanity! Stupid elevator shenanigans … Anakin sensed Count Dooky, whereas Obi-Wan sensed a trap, at which point Alaina did her Admiral Akbar impersonation … there was some ranting about how, even though I’ve never seen Return of the Jedi, this movie seems eerily similar … Oh, I did the usual transcription nonsense, but there were no new awesome typos, so I’ll skip that here … and more elevator shenanigans and then HOLY SHIT ANAKIN JUST SLICED OFF COUNT DOOKY’S HANDS and then WAS THAT HIS HEAD TOO and I swear, even though it hasn’t been revealed (yet), I still suspect that Senator Chancellor Palpatine or whoever was behind his kidnapping, much like that guy in that other movie I’ve watched, because the title of this blog notwithstanding, I’ve seen alot of movies, you guys.
Okay. Let me put up the poster —
— and let’s get back into this pile of filth, shall we?
Oh, right, I had some comments about General Grevious having a cough and wondering how a droid can cough, and then I decided I didn’t care and was tired.
Anakin is landing the spaceship (oh jesus, there’s a joke in here about Cyril and Archer but I’m too tired to make it right now), and he says “We’re coming in too hot.” THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Then Obi-Wan smiles and says it’s another happy landing, and I really need to watch more (good) movies with Ewan McGregor in them, because he’s incredibly lovely. Without the icky beard. Why does he look like a Civil War general in this movie — oh, wait. I get it.
Hey, it’s Sgt. Nick Fury! Sidebar: I kind of love that The Avengers comes out on May the Fourth. Why have not as many geeks come out with more jokes about that?
Apparently Jimmy Smits is playing Senator Organa, who will most likely end up being Leia’s adopted father, correct? Why is Amidala wearing her hair in cinnamon buns? And why is she hiding in the corner? NOBODY PUTS PADME IN THE CORNER. And she’s pregnant?! Oh man … too many Dirty Dancing jokes, not enough time. How have they not revealed they’re married yet? Why is it such a secret? Are Jedis not allowed to marry — like priests? Am I overthinking this movie?
General Grevious is told to bring the infidels to Mustafa. What’s the Lion King’s father doing in this movie?
Oh god … Anakin and Amidala are playing the “I love you more” game — “No, I love you more, no you hang up first.” No, you gag me with a spoon first.
And Anakin is having nightmares about the birth of his children. And frankly, I’d be a little worried about putting more meat on your bones, Ani. There’s having a six-pack, and then there’s having a six-pack of lightweight near-beer. You have the latter. Go eat a sandwich and follow it with a Guiness or something.
Anakin goes to talk to Yoda about his premonition nightmares. Yoda’s advice is to “let it go.” Yeah, cuz that will work. Meanwhile, Senator Chancellor Palpatine has requested an audience with Anakin. He wants him to be his representative on the Jedi Council. Is it my turn to say “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”?
The Council allows Anakin to join the council, but refuse to make him a Master, and he throws a Jedi-sized hissy fit, because after all, he’s barely twenty-five, and thinks he knows everything. Oh, the curse of the college graduate — thinks they know everything, and yet knows nothing. And believe me when I am saying that based upon my own experience.
Anakin believes that Palpatine is a good guy. Anakin is apparently blinder than we thought. With a name like “Palpatine,” he can’t be a good guy. And seriously, could there be a shot of Palpatine and Sidious in the same room at the same time? Because until that happens, I am going to continue to believe that they are one and the same person.
Anakin is talking to Amidala about his troubles, and HOLD THE PHONE — what the fuck is Amidala wearing?! She’s got, like, this grandma sweater on and a babushka on her head — she looks like a gypsy woman. All she’s missing is the missing tooth and the one gold earring. And now, all I can hear in my head is Carol Tunt yelling “JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID!”
Oh look it’s a night at the opera or something. Maybe it’s the Oscars. With giant bubbles of water? Evil Chancellor Palpatine is enjoying the Bubble Oscars and trying to turn Anakin against the Jedi Council, because CLEARLY, Palpatine is trying to turn him into Sidious’s new apprentice, because PALPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS. I swear to god, I had better be right about this.
Holy shit, Chancellor Palpatine’s just spent about five minutes planting evil seeds in Anakin’s ear about midichlorians and overthrowing the Jedi Council and all sorts of other shit and all I know is that I haven’t been paying attention because I AM BORED.
Hey, it’s Chewbacca! Hey, it’s a bunch of Chewbaccas! Chewbacci? Wookies. A bunch of Wookies. And there’s fightng and robotic octopusses – octopi? – coming out of the water and Yoda almost gets shot and then Lucas cuts away from the battle to show a conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan which practically screams “Anakin is playing Obi-Wan because he loves Palpatine more.” It makes me feel bad for Obi-Wan for not being able to see through his shit. I want to go up to him, shake his shoulders and shout, “He’s USING you, Obi-Wan!” And then I realize I’d be touching Ewan McGregor and I jerk my hands back to avoid getting a restraining order.
Holy crap, Obi-Wan’s riding a dragon. Or something. He somehow manages to sneak up on General Grevious, and then there’s a super laser fight joust session where Obi-Wan only has one light saber, whereas Grevious has, like, three. Because he’s a droid with tons of arms. Seriously, he’s like a scorpion with a cough that can turn into a wheel? What the fuck is going on?
Oh my god, Obi-Wan and Grevious are still fighting? There was a whole scene in the middle of this where Senator Chancellor Palpatine pretty much called Anakin out on his wife-having, secret-having ways, and Obi-Wan has not stopped fighting Anakin yet. This is ridiculous.
Obi-Wan finally kills Grevious, whereas Anakin confesses to Nick Fury that he thinks Palpatine’s a Sith Lord. Nick Fury tells Anakin to stay out of it, and then there’s some lingering looks and thinking on both Amidala’s and Anakin’s part. Meanwhile, Nick Fury goes to arrest Palpatine, and HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT Palpatine just fucking JUMP-TWIRLS out of his seat trying to kill Nick Fury! Pretty spry for an old guy.
Also, I was totally right, Palpatine is Darth Sidious. Of course, the whole reveal was telegraphed two movies ago, so, I’ll be a little quieter in my I Told You So dance.
And then Senator Sidious totally tricks Anakin into letting Sidious kill Nick Fury. What the fuck. I’d be pissed, but then I remember that in two weeks,The Avengers comes out, so I get better.
So that’s how Anakin goes to the Dark Side — out of love for Amidala. Of course; it’s always a woman. Palpatine names him Darth Vader, and I wonder how he picked that name out of thin air. Does the naming of Darths follow the naming of hurricanes? Like, there’s Darth Sidious, and somewhere between then and now there was Darth Tourniquet and Darth Urethra, and now the next one after Anakin will be Darth Walden? How does that work?
The rebellion against the Jedis has begun, and I’ve lost all interest. Yoda and Obi-Wan are hiding, because obviously, they need to survive to return in the next movies. Amidala is waiting for Anakin’s return, but he’s crossed to the dark side of the force, baby, so he’s not coming — oh wait, there he is. Damn, this movie proves me wrong. Bastards.
Hey, lava! I had a feeling this was coming. I remember hearing a rumor that Anakin falls into a boiling pit of lava to fully turn into Darth Vader. I’m glad to see I wasn’t making that up.
Amidala and a stowaway Obi-Wan end up at the volcano to confront Anakin. Anakin is operating under the delusion that he has brought peace to the Empire, and Obi-Wan tries to convince him that he’s still good. Fails. And now they’re fighting. Fighting fighting fighting. But hey, at least they’re no longer talking. Dear George Lucas: take a dialogue class, because this is not the fun snappy dialogue I’ve heard occurs between Han Solo and Leia. This is awful.
Now Yoda and Sidious are fighting in the Senate at the same time that Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting on the volcano. And I am so bored, I’m actually yelling at the screen for him to slip and fall already. I can’t wait to mail this back.
Holy shit, Anakin looks like a zombie after Obi-Wan cut his legs off. You know what? I’d watch that movie. Zombie Star Wars. I think I could get behind that.
So the babies are born, and I’m sad because apparently Amidala names them Luke and Leia arbitrarily while in a pain-induced fog. At the same time the babies are born, Darth Vader is all masked up. Fun Fact! Did you know that Darth Vader’s iconic mask was based off of ancient Samurai battle armor? You didn’t? Neither did I, until last Thursday.
Aww… Darth Vader’s first question was about Amidala. So he can love! He just kills that which he loves! Oh seriously? The agonized NOOOOOO ? Lucas, at this point, I will max out my credit card and send you to a playwriting class. You have the Learning Annex in Los Angeles, right?
They split the babies up – as predicted, Jimmy Smits adopts Leia, and Obi-Wan drops Luke off with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. The couple looks off into the double sunset in a shot that echoes one of the first with Luke, wanting his freedom and adventure, and also, Amidala’s dead.
And the awful trilogy’s finally over! And I am renewed with faith that the rest of them will be better. Right? I mean, at least they have Harrison Ford in them.
Grade for Revenge of the Sith: Yay It’s Over!