Oh yeah. We’re doing this. I mean, a of all, yes, it’s a Friday evening and I don’t have anything to do, so it looks like I’m going to potentially ruin what could be a good Friday night (Holy shit, I just got what I did there – heh), but also, it’s 5 o’clock. Which means I can drink to it and it isn’t white-trashy, and also, I won’t sleep through it because it’s 5 o’clock, not almost midnight, but best of all, when it sucks, it’ll still be early enough for me to go out to get the taste of it out of my mouth.
Alaina Patterson: Champion Rambler since 1996.
Now, unlike The Phantom Menace, I have no preconceived notions about this movie. (Except that it’s gonna suck.) In fact, here’s the Things I Know Going In About Attack of the Clones:
- Anakin is now a teenager, played by Hayden Christensen, which puts Attack of the Clones about ten years later than Phantom Menace.
- Natalie Portman still plays Queen Amidala, and does not look ten years older.
- MAYBE Queen Amidala has some super anti-aging potion or something to keep her looking young, while Anakin has some super aging shit so he can hurry up and be a Jedi already?
- Also, there is a romance that blossoms between Amidala and Anakin. To me, that is creepy, because I just saw the movie where Anakin’s a ten-year-old.
- Also also, there are attacks, most likely by clones.
And here are the questions I have that I hope get answered:
- HOW in PLUPERFECT HELL is George Lucas going to make the Amidala/Anakin romance NOT CREEPY?!
- What are the clones OF? I mean, are they robots? Are they clones of other aliens or humans? ARE THEY ZOMBIE CLONES BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC
- Oh please let there be zombies!!
- That wasn’t a question.
- Okay, how’s this? Once the clones are determined, what are they attacking? And how? Bombs or flash mobs? Terrorist attacks or really bad stand-up? All are attacks!
- Will Ewan McGregor be awesome and/or naked in this one? I could use a little hot-guy-action.
And before I hit play, all I can think of is the past two months where I have been horribly hesitant to actually watch this and Revenge of the Sith. I mean, I know these movies suck, but I’ve also heard great things about the other three movies — the first ones, the original ones. But because of my psychotic personality, I have the masochistic need to watch The Stupid Three first. So I’m just going to dig in and get shit done, because eventually, there are other, better movies to watch out there, and then I’ll never have to watch these again. Right? (I mean, I can hear Brad whining about Dead Poets Society from here. And I’m sorry, but informal survey: How many of you guys call that ‘DPS’? Seriously?) Right. Okay. Here I go. (Oh shit, where’s my vodka?)
[Oh, and after hearing all my friends talking about excessive timestamps after watching Death of a Ghost Hunter on Netflix, I’m going to stop with the timestamping. And no, I haven’t watched that yet, and yes, I will eventually, but someone needs to give me the drinking game rules first.]
THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST REAL-TIME TRANSCRIPTION OF ALL TIME. I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS FOR CORRECTNESS.
“There is unrest in the Galactiac Senat. Esveral thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Reupblic.
This eparatist movement, under the leadership of themysterious Gount Dooky, has made it difficutl for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peance and order in the galazxy.
Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC TO ASSIST THE OVERWHELMED jEDI…”
OH MY GOD GOUNT DOOKY. I could NOT make that up if I tried!! Also, the above is why I’m not a court stenographer. I can type 90 words a minute, but it won’t be pretty. Or legible. Or correct. But GOD will it be hilarious.
Yay R2! My favorite character returns! And then the pilot dude of the ship or whatever has the CLASSIC ROOKIE BLUNDER of stating “I guess there was no danger at all,” because not FOUR SECONDS LATER, the ship or whatever BURSTS INTO FLAME.
DUDE. Have you not seen “School Hard”? When Willow and Buffy both hit Xander for cursing our beloved heroine with the fatal words, “How bad can it be?” NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, because then you’ll be saddled with running Parent Night on the Night of St. Vigius, and also, Spike will be there and try to kill your mom.
Also included in the mantra of Curse Statements: “It could be worse”; “It can’t get any worse”; and “This is a cute cemetery with no record of weird shit.”
Trust me on that last one.
Anyway, Senator Queen Amidala’s double was killed in the blast, and the dude with one eye walks her away from the crash site so she can go to Senate.
Sgt. Nick Fury and Master Yoda are advising Senator Palpatine or whoever the old dude is on whether there’s going to be a civil war between the republic and the … non-republic. But then Senator Queen Amidala breezes in with her entourage and Yoda expresses concern on the fact that she was almost killed. Sgt. Nick Fury believes it’s disgruntled moon farmers on Naboo or something (I DON’T REWIND), whereas Senator Queen Amidala believes it’s Gount Dooky. Someone suggests that Amidala be put under the Jedi protection but then JIMMY SMITS IS THERE!? What the fuck is he doing in this movie?!
So Obi Wan Kenobi is going to protect Amidala and since Anakin is Obi Wan’s apprentice, he’s going to be along for the ride. Oh great, and Jar Jar is there too. Whoopee. Anakin begins by putting his Padawan foot right into his Padawan mouth and pledging to learn who was trying to kill her. Obi Wan reminds Anakin to stop focusing on the negative (because apparently, that way goes the dark side — OH WAIT. And also, maybe I shouldn’t recommend that the young Padawan reads Bright Sided?).
Meanwhile, HEY IT’S BOBA FETT! Right? That’s who that was? Anyway, his client is ordering him to kill Amidala, so he gives some chick some canister that’s full of hella poisonous things or something and it goes right to Amidala’s room and spits out two EEEWWWW WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE? ARE THOSE CENTIPEDES? R2-D2, YOU’RE THE WORST LOOKOUT EVER So the Jedis go running into Amidala’s room, and Obi Wan fucking JUMPS out the window and grabs onto the delivery robot after Anakin kills the slugs with his light saber (that’s what she said?), and now Anakin’s chasing Obi Wan through traffic and I think there’ll be a long enough chase scene for me to be able to eat a popsicle.
Nope, because Boba Fett or whoever shoots Obi Wan off the robot and now he’s hurtling through space and do those planets even have a ground? Anyway, Anakin rescues Obi Wan and now they’re chasing the thing and can I please have enough time to eat my popsicle?
Oh … Coruscant does have a street level. Must be where the lowly peons walk.
Obi Wan (to Anakin): Why do I have the feeling that you’re going to be the death of me?
Ohhh…. that’s …. ouch.
[Yeah, that’s right — never seen A New Hope, but I know that.]
They find the chick, they know she’s working for a bounty hunter (BOBA FETT), and then they break up the wonder team of Anakin and Obi Wan by sending Obi Wan to find the bounty hunter and Anakin to escort Amidala back to Naboo. She’s leaving Jar Jar behind as her representative?! No wonder there’s a civil war!
Oh jeez. Anakin’s having all sorts of ~feelings about wanting to move beyond Padawan status.
And there’s the first “May the Force be with you.” Except I never poured me some vodka, and Diet Coke w/Lime just isn’t the same.
AND ANOTHER SENTENCE TO ADD TO THE CURSED STATEMENTS: “Don’t worry; we have R2 with us.”
What the hell is this diner place? It looks like the place where Marty McFly tried to order a Tab and/or a Pepsi Free.
And then Obi Wan gets the smackdown from a librarian. Awesome.
Meanwhile, in a homeless shelter, Anakin is trying to tell Amidala that he loves her, going so far as to tell her he dreams about her. Look, dudes? Here’s a hint. People dream about people all the time. But no one wants to know that other people dream about them. Because then, if I were to find out that a friend was dreaming about me, I’d be wondering, is it a sex dream? Or a dream where he’s running away from clowns and I’m there laughing at him? EITHER WAY IT’S BAD.
OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVER! The Youngling Jedis saying “Good evening, Master Obi Wan” is ADORABLE!! And now they’re searching for a planet in the middle of a black hole? Oh, apparently someone erased some files from an archive or something. I WONDER IF IT WAS GOUNT DOOKY WHY IS NO ONE SUSPECTING THE PERSON WITH THE AWFUL NAME
I kind of love that Anakin is rocking an ascot. I just … it’s so dapper and weird and awesome. And he’s taking offense at being ignored. Oh, young Padawan.
Oh, that voice is familiar. Who plays the Prime Minister of the weird tall white alien planet? WAIT, THEY MADE A CLONE ARMY FOR THE REPUBLIC?
Weird Tall White Alien Prime Minister: But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.
Alaina: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
I just realized why I couldn’t look up the voice of the weird Prime Minister – George Lucas gave him an actual name but then neglected to mention it in passing, so I’m left with no recourse but to make more That’s What She Said jokes.
Anakin doesn’t like sand because it’s coarse, and rough, and gets everywhere… like in your cold dead eyes, Woodhouse? And now he’s kissing Amidala. And I was just about to say that I know that won’t end well, because I’ve literally seen how this saga ends (SPOILER ALERT Darth Vader dies, gets burned, and his ashes go up into the stars and Leia and Han smile beatifically while Ewoks dance), but then Amidala cuts me off because she also knows it’s a bad idea.
Ah, the clones are human. Ish. And Jango Fett’s the original Host? Wait — is that where STORM TROOPERS COME FROM?
Oh man, Amidala and Anakin are cavorting in a field, and the bohemian hippie shit is making me gag on my Diet Coke. Jeez, I was kidding about the cavorting, but no, now they’re literally rolling around in a field.
OH GOD A BABY BOBA FETT!! Holy shit that’s crazy!
Is it just me, or does it seem strangely appropriate that, when Anakin professes his love for Amidala, she’s kind of wearing a dominatrix outfit? I mean, it’s black leather with a collar and a corset that pushes her boobs up to Naughty Thought Town, and there’s a fireplace and shoulder length leather gloves and COME ON! Seriously?
Okay, I totally just took a little break to surf the web for a little bit. Because face it, this would be naptime if I were watching this as part of Insomniac Theatre. Meanwhile, Jango Fett has a jetpack! And the ability to walk on walls like Spider-Man! Until Obi-Wan comes in with his flying ninja kick! But then Jango head-butts him* until he catches on some fishing line and almost pulls a John McClane over the edge of the building, until finally Jango thinks he’s dead and Obi Wan races back up to the pad launching site and throws a homing device onto the ship, and I’m all, duh? And also, Jango: that’s why you don’t wear heavy armor when you’re flailing around on a rainy roof. Because then you can’t climb back up.
*Sidebar — wouldn’t that be more like, hit a guy in the head, then turn around really quickly and then hit him again with your butt?
Seriously, I’m bored. So there’s an asteroid chase and whatever, and then we add to the list of Cursed Statements with “Stay near the ship, R2,” which is just about as bad as “Stay in the car, Chuck.” Anakin and Amidala go to meet the Lars family (Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! And, again, I knew that before watching A New Hope, so, suck it, y’all), and apparently Anakin’s mother has been kidnapped but no one went after her? What? Oh sure, Elder Lars, blame your injury. Whatever.
Dear Elder Lars: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about young Padawan Anakin, it’s that he will never accept anything on faith. He needs to see the stupid shit he brings about with his own eyes. So he leaves Amidala with his stepfamily and takes a weird spacebike to the other side of Tattooney to find his mommy.
I’m sorry — that sounds heartless. I wouldn’t wish a kidnapped mother on anyone, but this movie … good lord.
THERE’S STILL AN HOUR LEFT IN THIS MOVIE?! WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS!?
Hey, it’s Christopher Lee! Playing Evil Old Guys (And Vampires) So You Don’t Have To: Since 1896. And he’s playing Gount Dooky! As he should be, because Gount Dooky is the King of All Evil.
Oh good — Anakin found his mother. I’m not being snarky, I’m legitimately glad he’s found his mother, so he can get closure.
And by “closure,” I of course mean “killing tons of people when she dies.” That Yoda is apparently able to overhear and yet do nothing to stop.
Oh man — I almost thought that Sgt. Nick Fury was going to, like, lounge on that pillow. The way he went to sit, I almost thought he was going to end up laying on his side, holding his head up by one arm, and look at Yoda and go, “Whatcha doin’?”
Watch out, Obi Wan! There’s a pterodactyl above you! (Perhaps it’s the Motherfucking Pterodactyl?)
So Anakin admits to mass murder in the name of his mother — including women and children, which, wow, okay — and Amidala just looks at him and says, “It’s okay to be angry – it’s human.” WHAT? Padme, honey — he just killed an entire village. Maybe now’s the time to run away?
Uh oh — Gount Dooky has Obi Wan trapped in a force field. And he’s talking about someone called Darth Sidious? Why didn’t you just name him Darth Evil? Because seriously, the only name better than that would be Freddie Foreshadowing.
Obi Wan: I’ll never join you, Dooku.
That just sounds … so ridiculous.
Oh Jesus … speaking of sounding ridiculous: Jar Jar is addressing the Senate. There’s no way this can go well. Oh, BULLSHIT, Senator Palpatine! You’ve been orchestrating this takeover for years! Lemme guess — he’s Darth Sidious? Because seriously, that’s how I would have written this.
Oh dear Lord and Savior, please cut short the Droid Shenanigans, please. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I’ve had that dream! The one where you’re on a conveyor belt, and ducking obstacles like you’re in some crazy video game? And now C3P-O’s a drone clone or whatever, and R2D2’s somewhere saving the day, as he usually does, and Amidala’s about to get molten lava poured over her, and oh gee, I wonder how this will end?
NO YOU DON’T, Amidala. You do NOT love Anakin. You love the IDEA of him. And what the hell are those things, Jabberwockys? ANAKIN – did you not listen to me earlier about Cursed Statements? Having a “bad feeling about this” is not allowed, tradition be damned.
And here come the Jedis, to the rescue! Because the bad guys have also brought in the clone droids or whatever, and I’m starting to get even more bored than I was twenty minutes ago.
Fighting fighting fighting … light sabers flashing and making that light saber noise … C3P-O being annoying … Jango Fett getting trampled by a Jabberwocky … Jango Fett killing the Jabberwocky (but where’s his vorpal sword? — oh wait, Sgt. Nick Fury had the vorpal sword, because HOLY SHIT HE JUST DECAPITATED JANGO FETT)
Oh … my GOD. C3P-O. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.
Okay, hi, I have a question? Where are — oh shit. I just answered my own question. I mean, I was going to ask if this movie was called “Attack of the Clones,” and the Jango Fetts with the Tall White Weird Things were the clones in question, when were they going to attack? And then they attacked. Or, at least, rescued the heroes and shot their guns a little bit, but not enough to actually attack. Oh, and they left C3P-O and R2D2 there.
Oh shit, is there more fighting? Seriously? I’M BORED. LET SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN ALREADY.
Your communications have been jammed? Was it Raspberry Jam, by chance?
Great. Now there’s an actual war. I swear to god, this movie’s never going to end, is it?
The Ultimate Weapon? The Death Star, perchance? Yeah, that’s the Death Star. Guys — maybe, before building it, you should look into that one little corridor that leads directly to the self-destruct button? Just sayin’.
Oh man — from the angle I’m watching it, it looked a minute like Christopher Lee was riding a space bike into war. Thank god he’s not. I would have made way more fun of it.
How can you handle it, Obi Wan? You’re out of rockets and ONE OF YOU lost his light saber again! Oh, it looks like he found another one. And then he runs right into Sauron and is surprised when he gets knocked unconscious.
WHOA! SAURON JUST CUT ANAKIN’S ARM OFF! Oh god … the Arrested Development jokes …
Wait … Yoda fights in this movie? Did I know that? I’m not sure. Yeah, guys, shoot your guns at Gount Dooky’s transport. BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS WORKS.
Also wait … I thought the hooded guy was going to be Senator Palpatine … unless it IS Senator Palpatine?
Okay, so, the “shroud of the Dark Side” or whatever has fallen, and the Clone War, begun, it has, but … is that where the Clone Wars animated series starts? BECAUSE I AM NOT WATCHING THAT. And no, seriously, why is Jimmy Smits there?!
Oh great — those two crazy kids got married. Because that will end well. HAHAHAHA Anakin has a skeleton hand for a hand! Apparently the technology necessary to fly between planets exists, but to make an authentic artificial hand, we’re going to have to wait another thirty years.
THANK GOD IT’S OVER.
<b>Grade for <i>Attack of the Clones</i></b>: Thank God it’s over!