Monthly Archives: January 2012

So not only am I being yelled at for not watching movies; now I’m being yelled at for not seeing them in the proper order.

Brad: What do you mean, you’re starting with The Phantom Menace?
Alaina: It’s Episode One, Brad. 
Brad: Yeah, but it sucks!  You should watch them in the order in which they were released.
Alaina: I don’t want to end with Revenge of the Sith!
Brad: You shouldn’t even watch those!  Just watch the first three!
Alaina: I shouldn’t watch Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi?  Wait a minute —
Brad: That’s not what I said.
Alaina: Whatever. I’ve already started, it’s too late to change transport mid-asteroid belt.

So I have just about an hour left, and (conveniently) just about an hour before Amelia the Roommate gets home, which means I have just about an hour to finish the movie without having to listen to her groan at my viewing choices. 

So please, pull up a chair (or whatever) and grab a drink (you’ll need it), because we’re finishing this small section of Hell tonight. 

Hm.  Although, I think I’m going to change my choice of alcoholic beverage; I’m not going to waste my champagne on this swill.

When we last left our intrepid heroes… young Anakin was going to race his pod (I’m unsure if that was a euphamism) so as to win enough prize money to buy the transpondster (or whatever) that Qui-Gonn Jinn needs in order to fix his transport and get the hell off of Tattooney to go … help the Queen, or something.  I don’t know, I got kind of lost there.  Also, Anakin’s blood is chock full of midichlorian goodness, and also-also, Alaina was playing a fun game of Let’s Add That’s What She Said To Innocuous Phrases.

Game on.

0:53:15
A chance cube? What the fuck is a chance cube? And I really don’t want to know what else Watto uses that cube for. Because I just went to a very dirty place.

0:56:06
What the fuck is that, a jackalope? Holy shit, they have jackalopes on Tattooney!

0:57:02
Hey, that weird seahorsey thing just pulled something on Anakin’s pod. A of all, that’s what she said? But b of all, I CALL SHENANIGANS.

0:57:55
Liam Neeson: May the force be with you.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:58:11
Holy shit it’s Jabba the Hut! I forgot he appeared in this! Dear lord, George Lucas loved that tub of lard. Also, is that a Mrs. The Hut back there? How does Jabba explain the slave girls?

1:01:38
Oh my god. I actually remember sleeping through this. I remember the sound effects, and the occasional shotgun and comment from the sportscaster or whatever the hell that two-headed thing is that’s commentating on the race, but I remember slouching in my chair at the theater, with my eyes closed, not really understanding what was going on, and I remember sleeping through this. This is crazy.

1:09:50
Thank god that’s over. I almost fell asleep again.

1:24:01
Shit! I fell asleep. FUCK IT I’M NOT TURNING BACK.

1:24:34
YODA! And Sgt. Nick Fury! Okay, I’m awake now.

1:24:45
Nick Fury: May the force be with you.
Alaina: Drink!

1:27:15
I’m hungry now. I could totally go for some mac ‘n’ cheese. Obviously, my stomach is MORE INTERESTING than this STUPID Senate Committee meeting. Also, how did a Queen get elected?

1:28:44
Amidala: This body is not capable of action.
Alaina: That’s what she said! *drinks*

1:29:17
Is that Terence Stamp as Chancellor Valorum? It is! Holy crap, that’s awesome.

1:37:27
Right, it’s Darth Maul that everyone wanted to be for Halloween. Sgt. Nick Fury is Mace Windu. Honest to God, I hate this movie. And I’m really jonesing for some mac ‘n’ cheese.

Okay, brief interruption while I and the Roommate hit up WalMart for some pre-closing antics. But I’m not going to stop and post here, because I refuse to even say “Part Trois” with this stupid movie.  I’ll be right back.

Two hours later…
Okay, I’m back.  Easy Mac took care of the Mac ‘n’ Cheese craving, so I’ll shut up about that now.  Meanwhile, I’m not going to rewind to see what I missed when I took my nap, because I need to FINISH THIS TONIGHT.

1:42:17
Evil Emperor: This is an unexpected move from her.
Alaina: That’s what she said!

1:46:45
Dear Liam Neeson: It’s incredibly sweet of you to think that Anakin is going to listen to your order to find a safe place to hide. Dude, the kid is ten, there is no way he’s going to do what you say. He’s going to be all, hey, look at this cool little jet thing, this is way better than my crappy pod, let me take it out for a test drive. If only he crashed; then there wouldn’t be any other movies — oh. Right.

2:00:01
Aw. Goodbye, Liam Neeson. Meanwhile, that answers the question of “what happens when you stick your light saber in some dude?”  Also, that is TOTALLY what she said.

2:09:54
OH THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST this movie is over.

You know, maybe it was because it was over ten years ago, or maybe my memory’s gotten especially hazy, but regardless: I do not remember this movie being so bad. And while I recognize that I don’t have to watch the next two, that I could just skip ahead to “the real Star Wars” [REAL ZOMBIES!? Did you just say REAL ZOMBIES?!], I think all the readers of my blog, as small as that population may be, well: you all need to realize that I am both a completist and a masochist.

What I’m trying to say is, at some point, once I sanitize my eyeballs, Attack of the Clones is next.

Monday Tuesday, January 17, 12:09 a.m.
Well, seeing as how I don’t have to be at work until 2 p.m. tomorr—er, later today, I could potentially watch The Phantom Menace tonight and get that over with.

Or – or — I could just watch the episodes of Friends where Chandler proposes to Monica.

Hm.  Decisions, decisions.  I mean, I could watch Friends, but it’s not like I don’t know how it ends.  And if I keep watching Friends, that means I could potentially finish this hat I’m crocheting, because I don’t have to pay attention to what’s on TV.  I could also turn on Netflix’s instant watch via the Apple TV, and catch up on two and a half seasons of White Collar before the premiere tomorr—er, tonight.

Or — or — I could grab the Netflix disc of Phantom Menace and kill that one bird with one stone.  I could also play two games: 1) Finish Off The Rum By Drinking Every Time Jar-Jar Says Something, and 2) See If Alaina Falls Asleep During the Pod Race Again.

Hm.  I’m not really talking myself into or out of anything.

AHHH NOOOO DREW BARRYMORE WHALE MOVIE COMMERCIAL.  Well, that settles it —  Phantom Menace it is.  I’m not going to watch cable if it means seeing that commercial again.

(I’m sorry – I can’t take any movie seriously that involves Drew Barrymore saying dialogue like “Then those whales are going to die.”)

One hour later …
*sniff*  Goddamn you, Monica and Chandler!  *sniff*

Okay.  On to cry for an entirely different reason.  OH LOOK I CAN’T FIND THE DVD REMOTE GUESS I CAN’T WATCH IT AFTER A–  dammit.

Oh, PS, I totally fixed my alcohol problem, in that not only am I finishing off the rum, but also one of the four bottles of gin.  A hearty shout-out once more goes to the Janitor from Scrubs  and his wonderful, magical breakfast liqueur.

Timestamp: 0:01:31
WAIT A MINUTE – this whole thing – this whole fucking saga — began as a TAX AND TRADE DISPUTE?! 

I am going to KILL PEOPLE.

0:02:55
Dudes, I may not know a lot about Star Wars, but I know that C3P-0 was gold. Right?

Oh heeeyyy, Ewan McGregor! What’s up with your stupid ponytail thingee? You look like a creeper.

0:04:39
Why the hell are those fish people scared of the Jedi? I mean, yeah, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are both rather badass, but — WHOA THAT SHIP JUST EXPLODED WHAT THE FUCK

For those keeping track, I have not yet started drinking.

0:06:22
Okay, now I’ve started drinking.

0:07:17
Ewan McGregor: They’re shield generators!
Alaina: No shit, Obi-Wan, that’s what those force field thingees are!

0:07:38
Liam Neeson: Battle droids?
Ewan McGregor: It’s an invasion army.
Liam Neeson: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.
Alaina: That’s what she said?

0:11:04
Oh no …. Jar-Jar. *drinks*

0:16:38
Liam Neeson: I saved his life. He owes me what you’d call a life debt.
Alaina: A life debt? You mean, like Harry Potter and Wormtail? OH MY GOD JAR-JAR IS TOTALLY WORMTAIL, RIGHT?

0:26:58
Ah, Tattooine. Or, if you’re me and a couple of friends playing Star Wars Monopoly on what was supposed to be Poker Night, Tattooney. Because we were drunk.

Also, I don’t know, guys. It’s 2:07 a.m. and while we haven’t gotten to the Pod race, I’m fading fast. Maybe because, I don’t know, this movie is BORING?!

Aw hey — hi, R2-D2! Why don’t you do us all a favor and shoot Jar-Jar, huh?

Also-also, in retrospect, it is way OBVIOUS that the actress playing “Queen Amidala” and the actress playing “Padme the Lady in Waiting” are THE SAME ACTRESS. How did I miss that fourteen years ago?

0:30:29
Liam Neeson: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:32:48
You know what’s seriously creepy about this? That in the next movie, Natalie Portman and this TEN YEAR OLD end up becoming a couple. *yick*

0:39:15
Anakin: When the storm is over, I’ll show you my racer.
Alaina: Okay, A of all, CREEPY, kid, you’re staring right at Natalie Portman, you player, and also, you’re TEN. But B of all, that’s what she said?

0:40:45
Hey, remember when Mace Windu was a thing that everyone wanted to be for Halloween? Yeah, me neither.

0:41:55
Anakin: No one can kill a Jedi.
Alaina: Except you, in about forty years. CREEP. Oh, right, and Mace Windu kills Liam Neeson in, even though according to the timestamp, only about an hour, it FEELS like in forty years.

Seriously, I think this may need to be a part one, completed tomorrow night in a part deux.

0:44:32
Here’s a question. Between all the Obi-Wans and Amidalas and Anakins and Qui-Gonns and Valerians and fuckall, how the hell did Anakin pick out “Luke” for a name for his son? Is that question going to be answered? Amidala picked out the names, didn’t she? And it probably came from the same place where I’m going to name my kids: “I went all through elementary school having my name mispronounced. It’s ah-mee-DAH-lah, not ah-MEE-dah-lah. Fuck that, this kid’s name is Luke.”

PS: My kids will be named Annie and Jack. Can’t mispronounce those!

0:47:50
Hey look, it’s Cindy Lou Who!

0:50:00-ish
Okay, I give up for tonight. It’s 2:30, and I’m starting to fade. I haven’t nodded off yet, so I figure this gives me a stellar chance of remaining awake through the entirety of the pod race when I try again next time.

Tune in Wednesday night (because that’ll be the next night I’ll be able to finish it and not completely wreck my sleep cycle, such as it is) for Part Deux of The Phantom Menace.

[Hey, it’s called Movies Alaina’s Never Seen; it doesn’t say anything about needing to watch them in one sitting.]

So this is the new year // and I don’t feel any different…

Sorry.  Death Cab on Pandora radio.  I actually feel different, but I’m not going to get into that here.  Here is for Movies, and as I am one stinking episode of True Blood away from finishing season 3, let’s move on to the first movie I’ll See, which is (conveniently) also the next movie on my Netflix queue.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Interestingly enough, I have seen the majority of this movie.  When did it come out, 1999?  (Goes to check on imdb.)  Yeah, 1999.  Well, I remember distinctly that it was a night in late June or possibly early July — myself and Beth and Mikel were playing a round of mini golf at the Long Shot Golfing Range in Brunswick.  The mosquitos were coming out, but we were valiant.  Oh, that’s right, it was Beth’s first time mini golfing, and she had no idea that, at some mini golf places, the 18th hole collects the golf ball.  She did a whole Charlton Heston-finding-the-Statue-of-Liberty-on-the-beach “NOOOOOOO” thing even. 

DAMMIT.  *Adds Planet of the Apes to the list.*

ANYWAY.  After the game, my dad came to pick me up and he took me and my sister to see The Phantom Menace.  My dad has always been a huge geek — it’s where I get it from, honestly.  And I remember he was always trying to get me to watch Star Wars, and Indiana Jones, and Back to the Future when I was a kid, but I’d always resist.  Indiana Jones I remember resisting because of the spiders on Sapito, or the snakes in the Well of Lost Souls.  I can’t remember why I didn’t want to watch Back to the Future when I was a kid — probably because of the Libyans shooting the shit out of Doc Brown.  As for Star Wars — I was a girl, and all I ever saw was a scary guy in a black cape talking weird.

But I’ll talk more about A New Hope later.

So when George Lucas began filming a new Star Wars series, the one that explained how Darth Vader came to be, and how he was Luke and Leia’s father, but who was their mother, et cetera, et cetera, well; Dad was very excited.  He resolved that my sister and I were finally old enough to understand all the political intrigue of what was going on, and I think around the same time George Lucas was mucking around with the original Star Wars, digitizing them and making them all pretty (and adding scenes where he didn’t need to, and again, I’ll talk about that later), so Dad decided that he was going to take my sister and I to see all the new Star Wars movies in the theater.

We left the mini golf course — I think Beth’s brother took her and Mikel home — and we drove over to the Regal Cinema practically next door, and sat down for the later show of The Phantom Menace.

So what do I remember of the movie?  Well, there was this really annoying kid haggling with Liam Neeson over the price of something, and he was a pod racer, and there was an angry Senator Palpatine who was driving Princess Amidala crazy, and oh, wasn’t there an Amidala Double?  I think I remember that.  And although I didn’t know it at the time, there was Ewan McGregor as a very young Obi-Wan Kenobi.  That is now a Bonus!Hot Guy for this movie (and one of its only saving graces, if I remember correctly).

But what I remember the most is that I was so tired, and Jar-Jar was so fucking boring and annoying, that I fell asleep during the Pod race.  I can’t remember anything of what happened with that.  At all.  I remember seeing the scene where he’s driving the Pod through the desert, but that could also be me remembering the commercials for the movie.  I mean, I was out like a light.  Completely zonked.  In the middle of the most important, most action-driven segment of the entire fucking movie.

Oh, I also remember that there was something called midichlorians (?), and those things were actually the Force, not some mystical property, which, even though I haven’t actually seen any of the other movies, I call SHENANIGANS.

Now, some of you may ask, “Alaina — why are you starting with The Phantom Menace?  Why don’t you start with A New Hope and FINALLY join the ranks of geekdom to which you so fervently wish to belong?”  Well, Some of You, here’s why I made the decision to watch the story chronologically, versus the movies chronologically: because I don’t want to end with Revenge of the Sith.  Would you?  I mean, I know enough of both trilogies that I could get away with watching the ‘original’ trilogy first and ending with the ‘first’ trilogy, but … why would you want to?  Wouldn’t you want to watch the series in order, a) of all, to get fucking Jar-Jar Binks out of the way, and b) of all, to end with Han and Luke and Leia triumphant?  I also don’t want to have a sour taste on Star Wars in my mouth, and watching the greatest trilogy of all time (yes, even better than Back to the Future, or so I’ve been told) and then watching the WORST trilogy of all time would definitely create a sour taste.

Now, having said that: when/if I ever have kids, rest assured that they will be watching the original trilogy first.  Then, if they’re curious as to how Darth Vader came to be and who’s Obi-Wan Kenobi and did Yoda ever not talk funny, then I may let them watch the second trilogy.  Maybe.  It depends of if I like Attack of the Clones and/or Revenge of the Sith.  I may just gloss over the details and let them wait until they’re old enough to make their own mistakes choices.

So my plan: I’m going to finish True Blood and then mail those back, so sometime next week, I should be able to cross The Phantom Menace off my list.  And the sooner, the better; I also remember that it totally and completely sucked.