The Phantom Menace: Take One

17 Jan

Monday Tuesday, January 17, 12:09 a.m.
Well, seeing as how I don’t have to be at work until 2 p.m. tomorr—er, later today, I could potentially watch The Phantom Menace tonight and get that over with.

Or – or — I could just watch the episodes of Friends where Chandler proposes to Monica.

Hm.  Decisions, decisions.  I mean, I could watch Friends, but it’s not like I don’t know how it ends.  And if I keep watching Friends, that means I could potentially finish this hat I’m crocheting, because I don’t have to pay attention to what’s on TV.  I could also turn on Netflix’s instant watch via the Apple TV, and catch up on two and a half seasons of White Collar before the premiere tomorr—er, tonight.

Or — or — I could grab the Netflix disc of Phantom Menace and kill that one bird with one stone.  I could also play two games: 1) Finish Off The Rum By Drinking Every Time Jar-Jar Says Something, and 2) See If Alaina Falls Asleep During the Pod Race Again.

Hm.  I’m not really talking myself into or out of anything.

AHHH NOOOO DREW BARRYMORE WHALE MOVIE COMMERCIAL.  Well, that settles it —  Phantom Menace it is.  I’m not going to watch cable if it means seeing that commercial again.

(I’m sorry – I can’t take any movie seriously that involves Drew Barrymore saying dialogue like “Then those whales are going to die.”)

One hour later …
*sniff*  Goddamn you, Monica and Chandler!  *sniff*

Okay.  On to cry for an entirely different reason.  OH LOOK I CAN’T FIND THE DVD REMOTE GUESS I CAN’T WATCH IT AFTER A–  dammit.

Oh, PS, I totally fixed my alcohol problem, in that not only am I finishing off the rum, but also one of the four bottles of gin.  A hearty shout-out once more goes to the Janitor from Scrubs  and his wonderful, magical breakfast liqueur.

Timestamp: 0:01:31
WAIT A MINUTE – this whole thing – this whole fucking saga — began as a TAX AND TRADE DISPUTE?! 

I am going to KILL PEOPLE.

Dudes, I may not know a lot about Star Wars, but I know that C3P-0 was gold. Right?

Oh heeeyyy, Ewan McGregor! What’s up with your stupid ponytail thingee? You look like a creeper.

Why the hell are those fish people scared of the Jedi? I mean, yeah, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are both rather badass, but — WHOA THAT SHIP JUST EXPLODED WHAT THE FUCK

For those keeping track, I have not yet started drinking.

Okay, now I’ve started drinking.

Ewan McGregor: They’re shield generators!
Alaina: No shit, Obi-Wan, that’s what those force field thingees are!

Liam Neeson: Battle droids?
Ewan McGregor: It’s an invasion army.
Liam Neeson: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.
Alaina: That’s what she said?

Oh no …. Jar-Jar. *drinks*

Liam Neeson: I saved his life. He owes me what you’d call a life debt.
Alaina: A life debt? You mean, like Harry Potter and Wormtail? OH MY GOD JAR-JAR IS TOTALLY WORMTAIL, RIGHT?

Ah, Tattooine. Or, if you’re me and a couple of friends playing Star Wars Monopoly on what was supposed to be Poker Night, Tattooney. Because we were drunk.

Also, I don’t know, guys. It’s 2:07 a.m. and while we haven’t gotten to the Pod race, I’m fading fast. Maybe because, I don’t know, this movie is BORING?!

Aw hey — hi, R2-D2! Why don’t you do us all a favor and shoot Jar-Jar, huh?

Also-also, in retrospect, it is way OBVIOUS that the actress playing “Queen Amidala” and the actress playing “Padme the Lady in Waiting” are THE SAME ACTRESS. How did I miss that fourteen years ago?

Liam Neeson: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Alaina: DRINK!

You know what’s seriously creepy about this? That in the next movie, Natalie Portman and this TEN YEAR OLD end up becoming a couple. *yick*

Anakin: When the storm is over, I’ll show you my racer.
Alaina: Okay, A of all, CREEPY, kid, you’re staring right at Natalie Portman, you player, and also, you’re TEN. But B of all, that’s what she said?

Hey, remember when Mace Windu was a thing that everyone wanted to be for Halloween? Yeah, me neither.

Anakin: No one can kill a Jedi.
Alaina: Except you, in about forty years. CREEP. Oh, right, and Mace Windu kills Liam Neeson in, even though according to the timestamp, only about an hour, it FEELS like in forty years.

Seriously, I think this may need to be a part one, completed tomorrow night in a part deux.

Here’s a question. Between all the Obi-Wans and Amidalas and Anakins and Qui-Gonns and Valerians and fuckall, how the hell did Anakin pick out “Luke” for a name for his son? Is that question going to be answered? Amidala picked out the names, didn’t she? And it probably came from the same place where I’m going to name my kids: “I went all through elementary school having my name mispronounced. It’s ah-mee-DAH-lah, not ah-MEE-dah-lah. Fuck that, this kid’s name is Luke.”

PS: My kids will be named Annie and Jack. Can’t mispronounce those!

Hey look, it’s Cindy Lou Who!

Okay, I give up for tonight. It’s 2:30, and I’m starting to fade. I haven’t nodded off yet, so I figure this gives me a stellar chance of remaining awake through the entirety of the pod race when I try again next time.

Tune in Wednesday night (because that’ll be the next night I’ll be able to finish it and not completely wreck my sleep cycle, such as it is) for Part Deux of The Phantom Menace.

[Hey, it’s called Movies Alaina’s Never Seen; it doesn’t say anything about needing to watch them in one sitting.]

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Posted by on January 17, 2012 in Star Wars


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