Shut up. Leave me and my quote-unquote “lateness” alone. I’ve been busy.

Episode 1.08: “Ice”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully are sent to investigate when a team of geophysicists stationed at a remote Alaskan outpost is killed by a parasitic alien life form.

Alaina’s Synopsis
It’s the one where they end up in Alaska with the guy from 24 and Mrs. H. Macy and paranoia ensues! It’s the alien worm thingee in the spine — wait, no, that was when Scully was giving birth. Maybe. But still! This is a great episode!

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week – I mean, it’s an ice tapeworm that lives in ammonia that makes people crazy-angry!

Special Guest Stars
Xander Berkeley, erstwhile of 24! Felicity Huffman, lately of that show that no one watched to my knowledge, American Crime! No slight against you, Felicity Huffman, because you’re amazing!

Also, wait — who’s the guy playing the pilot? Is that – is that Kralik, the evil vampire that had to battle Buffy in “Helpless”?
*imdb’s that shit*
HOLY SHIT IT IS OH GOD OH GOD

Mulder, You Precious Angel
as they’re all disrobing, attempting to see if anyone has been infected with the evil alien tapeworm:
“Before anyone passes judgment, may I remind you — we are in the Arctic.”

Ships Ahoy
I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to be played this way, but after they’ve locked Mulder in the closet because they think he’s infected with the evil alien tapeworm, and Scully goes in to inspect him for worms, and then he turns her around angrily and does the same thing, pushing her hair off her neck and rubbing her shoulders and back looking for the evil alien tapeworm? It’s … it’s a lot sexier than it sounds right there, trust me.

Classic Quote
We are not who we are.

Scully is a Badass, Haters to the Left
Kralik attempts to escape the ice pod or wherever they are, and brains Mulder with a jar and makes a run for it. Scully just fuckin’ tackles the fucker and nails him to the ground when no one else has the wherewithal to move.

Also, she tells everyone to Shut Up. For those counting, we’re at one. (full disclosure – I may have missed some. but I’m not going back to recount.)

Watch or Skip?
Definitely watch this one. Evil alien tapeworm aside, the paranoia running rampant in what is essentially a bottle episode amps up the creep factor.

Episode 1.09: “Space”

Netflix Synopsis
When a space shuttle mission is sabotaged, Mulder suspects it may be the work of an alien spirit that inhabits the body of a former Gemini astronaut.

Alaina’s Synopsis
… … oh, brother. This is a stupid one, isn’t it? I seem to remember hearing that this one is rather stupid.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the week.

Full Disclosure Moment
So basically, this whole episode is a setup to show how much Mulder loves space. We get it. He also idolizes this astronaut, Marcus Aurelius Whatshisface. But look, guys – they say “sabotage” and “saboteur” so much, I may have created …

Drinking Game!
I poured myself a Tom Collins and took a sip every time someone said “sabotage,” “saboteur,” or some other derivative. I may have also kept this in a tab and played it every once in a while: listen all of y’all it’s a sabotage!

Mulder, You Precious Angel
Just look at this face, as he gazes upon his childhood hero, Marcus Aurelius Whatshisface:

So precious.

Unbelievable Shit
That some mother out there thought that naming her son “Marcus Aurelius” was a good idea. I mean, it doesn’t even matter which Marcus Aurelius it is – either way, the playground must have suuuucked for little Marky.

Unexplainable Phenomena
The alien spirit that’s possessing Marcus Aurelius? Is White Pac-Man.

See?  See?!

Drinking Game Update
After Alaina’s 10th sip: OH GOD, how are there still 13 minutes left?!

Classic Quote
Mulder: Something weird is going on here, Scully.

Watch or Skip?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, unless you like polishing off a Tom Collins in under half an hour, there is NO NEED WHATSOEVER to watch this episode. If you decide to be brave and do Sabotage Shots, there are twelve of them. TWELVE.

SKIP THIS EPISODE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Episode 1.10: “Fallen Angel”

Netflix Synopsis
The future of the X-Files project is jeopardized after Mulder secretly infiltrates the government cover up of a UFO crash.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder investigates a possible UFO crash on his own, makes a new BFF named Max (they exchange friendship bracelets!) (no they don’t, but I think they wanted to), Max suffers seizures because he was abducted when he was 10 (or so Mulder thinks, because Max doesn’t actually remember); Max gets abducted again and then Mulder takes Max’s hat home because he really was a friend, guys, and then the X-Files almost gets shut down but Deep Throat (REMEMBER HIM?) (he’s also the one who sent Mulder to the UFO crash site in the fucking first place) overturns the decision so the X-Files isn’t cancelled yaaaay

MOTW / Mytharc?
Definitely Mytharc. Shadowy government, code words, hiding a crash site of a UFO, Deep Throat … all of the inner workings of an early Mytharc.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
Max tells Mulder that all of his (Max’s) buddies devoured the papers Mulder’s written under the pseudonym “F.M. Luder.” Mulder is astonished that Max and his buddies knew it was him (Mulder). Seriously, Mulder? Really? You’re supposed to be intelligent, dude! That is the stupidest pseudonym!

Ships Ahoy
Mulder’s friend Max introduces himself to the “enigmatic agent Scully” and extends a hearty handshake, while Mulder pushes Max away from her. Later, Mulder is seen to whisper to himself, “the enigmatic agent Scully,” with a soft smile. Oh, you.

Watch or Skip?
Skip, unless you want to see Mulder in a slightly darker black tactileneck.

Episode 1.11: “Eve”

HOLD ON, I NEED Y’ALL TO OPEN THIS IN ANOTHER TAB AND PLAY IT UNDERNEATH AS YOU READ THIS: clicky!

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully search for two girls who disappeared after their fathers were murdered in an identical fashion.

Alaina’s Synopsis
This plot is like if Orphan Black was merged with Dark Angel, and a dash of The Omen. Also, never trust twins on this show. Ever.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week, although it’s really Creepy Clones Of the Week.

Special Guest Stars
Harriet Sansom Harris plays the elder Eves. She was everywhere in the early 1990s. Some of you may remember her from Frasier as Dr. Crane’s agent, Bebe; she was on a very unwatched show called The Five Mrs. Buchanans that I’m pretty sure I was the only audience member; and more recently, she was Felicia Tilman on Desperate Housewives. But my sister will know her as Maggie Cutler from that video of The Man Who Came to Dinner starring Nathan Lane.

Thing I Didn’t Know About Myself
Mulder wearing glasses is apparently very attractive to me. Huh. Did not know that.

Thing I Yelled At The TV
At Mulder’s slide of an exsanguinated cow:
“THAT IS THE SAME COW!”

This cow will be important in approximately 98 episodes.

Classic Quote
Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully to see Eve 6.

Fun Fact!
The band Eve 6 took their name from this episode!

Watch or Skip?
It’s our first evil twins! You should watch this one.

Episode 1.12: “Fire”

Netflix Synopsis
Mulder and Scully join forces with an inspector from Scotland Yard when a man with pyrokinetic powers stalks members of the British aristocracy.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Mulder’s ex-girlfriend Phoebe comes over from Britain and basically makes him walk through fire for her, because she’s a bitch. Also, Crowley from Supernatural is there!

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week, in that a pyrokinetic is a “monster.”

First Meetings
– Mulder’s ex-girlfriend, Phoebe! Not that I think we see her ever again; just the fact that Mulder has a girlfriend who happens to be flesh and blood is rather new right now.

Special Guest Stars
Mark Sheppard, in his first television role! Woo hoo! Y’all may know him as the aforementioned Crowley on Supernatural, but he’s been on almost everything. He was Benedict Valda on Warehouse 13, Romo Lampkin on Battlestar Galactica … Badger on Firefly! But to me, he will always be Manservant Neville on Show of My Heart, The Middleman.

Mulder, You Precious Angel
His hair is so full of secrets! In this episode, we learn that Mulder is deathly afraid of fire, and also, he’s “cursed” with a photographic memory – his words.

Ships Ahoy
Scully nurses Mulder back to health after his smoke inhalation scare. Somehow he got down to his boxers… ?

That’s What She Said
Mulder: I was merely extending her a professional courtesy.
Scully: Oh, is that what you were extending?

Watch or Skip?
Watch it only for the moment when Mulder realizes he won the breakup. Also, though, Mark Sheppard is a delight.

Episode 1.13: “Beyond the Sea”

Netflix Synopsis
Scully believes that the psychic predictions of a death row inmate are the only hope in apprehending a vicious murderer.

Alaina’s Synopsis
Master Character Actor Brad Dourif uses “psychic” abilities to help Scully solve a a kidnapping and also resolve some daddy issues.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Neither, really. More of a character-building episode? This feels more like an episode designed to bring Scully closer to the fold of “believing.”

First Meetings
– Scully’s mom, Maggie!
– Scully’s brother, Bill!- Scully’s sister, Melissa!
– Scully’s father, Captain William Scully!

Sadly, Captain Bill Scully succumbs to a heart attack before the credits roll, leaving Scully – the Starbuck to her father’s Captain Ahab – distraught and adrift.

Also:
– Mulder gets shot for the first time! For those counting, we’re at one.

Special Guest Stars
BRAD DOURIF! Wormtongue from the Lord of the Rings movies, but also Doc Cochran from Deadwood! He masterfully plays Luther Lee Boggs, the death row inmate who Scully starts to believe is maybe actually psychic. (oh my god he’s so young here)

Scully’s Hair
Is less voluminous in this episode than we’ve seen recently. It’s probably in mourning.

Unexplainable Phenomena
Mulder calls Scully “Dana.” Repeatedly. I get that he thinks he’s being comforting, but it’s very weird.

Ships Ahoy
Mulder gently caresses Scully’s cheek as she bravely holds back her tears. He also pats her shoulder a couple of times to comfort her. you guys come on

That’s What She Said
Scully: I thought that you’d be pleased that I’d opened myself to extreme possibilities.

Classic Quote
Mulder: Dana, open yourself up to extreme possibilities, only when they’re the truth.

Everything is Hannibal and Everything Hurts
Serial killer behind bars, coded messages, kidnapped kid(s), daddy issues, Scully-as-Clarice … come on.

Scully is a Badass, Haters to the Left
She leads the team to catch the kidnapper (because Mulder’s currently residing in a hospital bed, recuperating from his flesh bullet wound), and she’s kicking down doors and letting dudes fall to their deaths left and right.

Watch or Skip?
Seeing as how this page in my notebook is the fullest, you had better watch this one. Brad Dourif, guys! COME ON

Episode 1.14: “Gender Bender”

Netflix Synopsis
A religious sect member capable of changing gender becomes the prime suspect in a murder spree.

Alaina’s Synopsis
A cult somehow has the power to switch genders and one of them – with super aphrodisiac touch powers – goes on a rumspringa of doom and murders a lot of people.

MOTW / Mytharc?
Monster of the Week.

Special Guest Stars
The town of Storybrooke, Maine!

(It’s a set outside of Vancouver. But hey, I’ve seen that town before!)

Also, we have —

First Meetings
– Nicholas Lea, playing a random dude victim! (we’ll meet him for reals later)

Wrap it Up, Alaina
I didn’t have much to say about this episode. Basically, the cult ends up being aliens anyway, what the fuck.

Watch or Skip?
Skip.

Next time, on Project X: “Lazarus,” “Young at Heart,” “E.B.E.,” “Miracle Man,” “Shapes,” “Darkness Falls,” and “Tooms.” And the introduction of four of our favorite characters!

What am I saying, the other three can be lame at times.

Guys. Guys. Guyyyyys….

skinner’s comin’ for y’all.