Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: The Alaina Version

27 Dec

It strikes me that I’ve had Return of the Jedi out from Netflix for at least since July.  I have paid for this disc enough times to own the Blu-Ray special edition of all six movies.  And yeah, I’ve been busy, but did I really need to watch and blog Marked Woman, a movie that literally no one has teased me about never having seen?

So let’s get back to basics and actually start knocking some titles off of that list of mine.

Oh right.  The bikini.  Almost forgot about that.

Okay.  So, when we last left our intrepid heroes, Leia, Luke, Lando and the Droids (hey, has anyone named a band that?  “Lando and the Droids?”  I CALL DIBS) are flying away from Cloud CIty, defeated (and in Luke’s case, less one hand as well.)  Han Solo has been frozen in Carbonite, after telling Leia that he knows she loves her (which, for those following along, is the Star Wars equivalent of Wesley telling Buttercup “As you wish”).  Darth Vader is temporarily victorious.  And Yoda is still on Dagobah, raising hell because Yoda is the man.

From what pop culture has taught me, Jedi returns and the team is slightly disbanded, but all still working towards the same goal.  Luke has a fancy new mechanical hand, and has returned to Dagobah to continue studying under Yoda, newly determined (and less whiny?) in his quest to become a Jedi.

Leia has slaved herself to Jabba the Hut in an effort to get closer to Han.  I want to think Lando shows up and together they de-carbonite him and escape.  Or possibly kill Jabba in the process.  Either way, that slave bikini inspired so many men’s fantasies, that if I didn’t mention it here I wouldn’t be doing my pop culture gluttonny any favors.

Darth Vader is building another Death Star, and this time, it’s without that pesky tunnel to that hole where the lasers are shot at.  Lesson learned!  Instead, the key to destroying it is located somewhere on Endor, a fun little planet inhabited by Ewoks.

And here’s where I get to the Ewok Line, and my slightl moment of doubt about this movie.

See, I am a huge fan of How I Met Your Mother.  I have seen every episode at least twice through season 6, and now that season 7 is on Netflix, I’ll breeze through that in about a week.  Star Wars plays a big part in the HIMYM part of pop culture.  After Ted proposes to Stella and he realizes she’s never seen Star Wars, he makes her watch it.  She does, and she claims it’s her new favorite movie, but when Marshall corners her, she says that it’s stupid.  “And everyone could understand the bear?”  “WOOKIEE.”  “They were all like, “That’s a great idea, Bear, let’s do that!'”

The three male characters – Ted, Barney, and Marshall – enjoy “Trilogy Time,” where every three years, they get together to watch the original trilogy.  Barney has a life-size Storm Trooper armor in his living room.  And Barney has created something known as the Ewok Line.

The Ewok Line is May 25, 1977 – the day Star Wars was released in theatres.  Women born before May 25, 1977 were at least nine years old when Return of the Jedi was released, and therefore too old to be charmed by the cuddly Ewoks.  Those born after the Ewok Line loved them, because the Ewoks reminded them of their teddy bears.

Yeah, not the soundest logic, but — it’s How I Met Your Mother.  They’ve been on a downward slide for three years now.

So anyway – the catalyst for the Ewok Line was that Barney’s girlfriend at the time, Nora, hated the Ewoks, but she claimed to be 29.  By Ewok Line Logic, that made Nora 37 instead.  But Nora then reveals that she only saw the Star Wars films for the first time that year, thereby bypassing the Ewok Line Continuum.  Or something like that.

I can only imagine that, if they are annoying, they are less so than Jar-Jar Binks.

ANYWAY.  The team – Luke, Leia, Han, Lando and the Droids (OH THAT IS SO A THING NOW) show up on Endor to protect the Ewoks and eventually not only destroy the second Death Star, but Darth Vader finally takes off his helmet and dies in front of Luke.  They burn him ceremonially and have a good ol’ fashioned funeral where everyone celebrates, and a shooting star goes across the sky or something and the Ewoks dance and Alaina can move on to other things.

I mean, honestly – I should really watch Pulp Fiction.

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Posted by on December 27, 2012 in Star Wars


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