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Insomniac Theatre: “That Certain Woman”

28 Apr

Aw man.  While I was debating on what to watch for tonight’s edition of Insomniac Theatre, I realized Bravo was showing Quantum of Solace.  And since the only man I love more than Daniel Craig right now is Ian Somerhalder and sadly, he’s not on TV right at the moment, I turned it on and began playing the game “Where does Stana Katic show up?”  And then I stopped playing because I’m getting only slightly bored (only slightly — Bond just took his shirt off and all of a sudden, things got interesting again), so I checked out Wikipedia and apparently, Stana Katic’s character doesn’t show up until the end.  Damn.

So I’m over it.  Also, I have actually seen Quantum of Solace, and I own the DVD, so I can wait on rewatching that and let’s kill some movies on Jeremy the TiVo, shall we?

Tonight’s entry is the last — oh, hold on, James just found Dying!Mathis.  *sadface*  What is it this week with the deaths of Epic Bromances?  First Damon and Alaric (*SNIFF* I’LL MISS YOU ALARIC, possibly only slightly less than Damon will), and now Bond and Mathis?  Awww… — Um, anyway.  Before I continue, dear Everyone I’ve Ever Met: I HAVE NO SHAME.  But most importantly,That Certain Womanis the last Bette Davis movie I have left from my rash of recording Bette Davis movies.  And the synopsis on imdb. leads me to believe that this one won’t be a comedy:

Mary Donnell, a young legal secretary with a past, elopes with a client’s son, but his father has the marriage annulled without knowing she’s pregnant.

What’s with Bette Davis movies and strange pregnant circumstances?  I mean, I knew she didn’t do too many ribald comedies, but this is a crazy amount of drama.  I swear, I am kicking myself for not recapping The Golden Arrow when I had the chance.

But before I can truly recap this bad boy, there is one thing I’m going to need: pajamas.  Be right back.

OKAY.  I am in pajamas, and I have vodka and Sprite.  If I don’t hit ‘play’ in the next five minutes, I’m going to end up watching the entirety of Quantum of Solace.  Play has been hit, vodka has been sipped, and the rating is a G.  Let’s dig in, shall we? 

That Certain Woman also stars Henry Fonda and — Anita Louise?  Didn’t she play one of Bette’s sisters in The Sisters?  She did!  She played Crazy Helen, the middle child!  I would say “this is going to be good,” but let’s face it — this isn’t going to be the happiest of movies.  But maybe she’ll play someone crazy again?

Bette Davis comes running out of the rain and onto a double-decker bus, carrying a bouquet and with her friend or possibly her mother.  When she gets on the bus, a shadowy guy tosses a newspaper at her, and the headline reads “Fourth Anniversary of the Valentine’s Day Massacre” or something like that.  I DON’T REWIND.  Anyway, apparently that has some significance for our heroine, because the next shot is of a headstone that dates someone dying at 30 back in 1929, and that’s who the bouquet is for.  So Bette Davis loved someone who died in the Valentine’s Day Massacre?  That’s my gal!

Meanwhile, a paparazzo has followed her and her friends to the cemetery, and he asks her to pose at the foot of the grave on which she is bestowing the flowers.  He thanks her as Mrs. Haines (the name on the headstone is Haines), but then her friend with the newspaper who also went with her and her other friend drags the paparrazzo over to the headstone in a rather awkward manner — apparently the Depression wouldn’t allow for a second, smoother take — and bangs the guy’s camera into pieces.  Ha!

The paparrazzo attempts to get Bette to buy him a new camera.  In what will surely become my new catchphrase, Bette Davis calls him a “fresh monkey” and orders him to scram.  Fresh Monkey?  Oh, that’s priceless!

Bette Davis is working as a secretary in a law office.  She seems to have a nice boss – he goes around singing and everything as he’s getting ready for lunch.  Everything’s going well, until the paparrazzo from the cemetery shows up and asks her to sign something that gives him the right to publish a tell-all about her dead husband.  She asks him to leave in no uncertain terms — but without calling him a ‘fresh monkey’ again — and then her boss, Mr. Rogers, resues her.  And he reveals that he always knew that she was Al Haines’s widow, and that she’s okay with him.  As imdb. says, Al Haines was a gangster, so Bette Davis is trying to keep out of the mob.  Good on you, Bette. 

Mr. Rogers goes out and … invites the paparrazzo out to lunch?  What?  Mr. Rogers comments that it’s so wet out, that it’s a great day for ducks.  Fun Fact!  Ducks actually hate the rain.  He runs into Henry Fonda, who is apparently Bette Davis’s boyfriend.  Awww… he’s kind of a goober.  I like that.

Bette Davis goes out to a restaurant where she runs into an old gangster acquaintance while she waits for Henry Fonda.  She thinks he’s stood her up, but he shows up after all, and then he takes her home, and I think he tries to get her to ask him up to her apartment, but she tells him that they’re just very good friends.  And apparently, Henry Fonda has Daddy Issues.  I’m not sure what the deal is between Hank and Daddy — it hasn’t been discussed at length at this point.  But hey, Henry Fonda is asking Bette Davis to marry him. 

Henry Fonda goes over to Mr. Rogers and Mr. Rogers tells Henry Fonda all about Bette Davis’s past.  Aw, does Mr. Rogers love Bette Davis too?  I’d be surprised if he didn’t.  After all, a) of all, everybody loves Bette Davis, but b) of all, all men are in love with their secretaries in some way.  But the most important part of this whole scene that I’m watching is that the next day, Mr. Rogers goes to the office after playing poker the entire night before, and he swivels a bookcase around and on the other side of the bookcase is a full wet bar!  Can I have one of those?!  That one little thing would satisfy three of my fantasies: 1) an awesome library, 2) an awesome bar, and 3) the ability to reenact the scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy and his father are tied to the chairs and the poker makes the fireplace swivel and they end up in a Nazi switchboard room.

Anyway, Mr. Rogers sends Bette Davis out to marry Henry Fonda, and it’s all very blah, and honestly, I’m regretting a bit not actually watching Quantum of Solace to the end.

(I may have just paused That Certain Woman to be able to rewind Quantum of Solace so I could watch the ending.  Shut up.  Hey, Detective Beckett!  On another yet similar note, can I has Skyfall now?  How about now?  When can then be now?  THAT’S NOT SOON ENOUGH)

Bette Davis and Henry Fonda get married, but then it looks like Henry Fonda’s father interrupts the honeymoon.  Ouch — that’s not even remotely cool, Henry Fonda’s Dad.  Henry Fonda wants to stay married, but Henry Fonda’s Dad doesn’t want them to be married.  To the tune of HOLY SHIT HE JUST BACKHANDED HENRY FONDA.  And Henry Fonda’s Dad believes that she is a gangster’s moll and is trying to insinuate herself into the Fonda family for nefarious deeds and reasons. 

While Henry Fonda is trying to convince his dad that Bette Davis is as fantastic a woman as we all know her to be, Bette Davis bolts in the night.  The cool thing was that the detective who once arrested her when she was married to the gangster defended her.  But she still runs back home.

But hey!  Then a year passes — or possibly two — and now Bette Davis has a baby!  Hell, that was a very productive three-hour honeymoon.  She’s working at Mr. Rogers’s law office again, and I still say that Mr. Rogers is in love with her.  This same morning, Bette Davis learns that Henry Fonda married another girl.  She is determined to remain solvent on her own, without asking Henry Fonda’s family or father for help.

She goes into another room to take a phone call, where it’s revealed that Henry Fonda and his new wife were in a terrible car accident IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE and the chauffeur was killed and Mr. and Mrs. Henry Fonda are in a hospital, unconscious.  I’m sorry, but this just reinforces the fact that, should I ever go to France, I am not driving ANYWHERE.

Mr. Rogers sends Bette Davis on a trip to get her mind off things.  NOT TO FRANCE?!

Fast-forward, like, two more years, and now Jack Jr. is 4 years old, and Mr. Rogers is apparently extremely sick.  One day, Mr. Rogers runs away from his home or hospital or wherever he is, and a private detective or someone goes to Bette Davis’s home, hoping to find Mr. Rogers.  Mr. Rogers did end up at Bette Davis’s apartment, and he claims that he asked his wife for a divorce, that he loves Bette Davis, that he wants to marry her.  But he has a fever and something awful, though it’s never said what he has, so Bette Davis writes his feelings off as nonsense.

I’m sorry — what kind of plotline is this?  I mean, I get that everyone loves Bette Davis, but when does Henry Fonda come back?  Anyway, Mr. Rogers dies, and there’s some big frouferah about how Bette Davis was having an affair with Mr. Rogers (which wasn’t true), and the paparrazzi were able to take a picture of her kid.  She decides to run away, but then — then!  — Henry Fonda shows up!  But he’s still married to the other woman.

And he has the gall – THE GALL – to go over to Bette Davis’s house, and out of the ‘goodness of his heart,’ offer to adopt her son to ‘help her out.’  She absolutely refuses, but she still introduces her son to Henry Fonda, which is something I wouldn’t have done.  Maybe.  I’m not sure, seeing as how I’ve never been in the situation where I’ve had a baby and not told the father.

I’m not going to delete that sentence, but please note as you reread that sentence that it is currently 2:39 a.m., and I can’t be held responsible for my typing actions.  I don’t rewind, I don’t retype, and nothing good happens after two a.m.

Anyway, Bette Davis wants to run away with her son and tells Henry Fonda her plans.  But Henry Fonda’s Dad puts a restraining order out on Bette Davis and tries to adopt the son out from under Bette Davis because he thinks Bette Davis is an unfit mother.  Henry Fonda barges in and berates his father, and he and Bette Davis are back in love.

The next day — what is with this movie and such abrupt transitions? — Henry Fonda’s Wife shows up at Bette Davis’s house, and she tells Bette Davis that, yeah, she’s in love with Henry Fonda, but Henry Fonda loves Bette Davis, so she’s willing to give Henry Fonda up so he can be happy.  But then Bette Davis says that she doesn’t love Henry Fonda!  WHAT!?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU — BUT ISN’T THIS — AHCK.  I kind of hate this movie right now. 

Also, in case I forgot to mention this up above, remember that car accident that Henry Fonda and his Wife were in?  Well, it left Henry Fonda’s Wife paralyzed in a wheelchair for life.  And you know the horrible parts?  Number One: Her name is ‘Flip.’  Flip?  FLIP?!  THAT’S A HORRIBLE NAME FOR A CRIPPLE.  Number Two: Actually, not so horrible — I’m going to hell.  But Number Three: When Bette Davis offered to push her wheelchair, I went to the Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? place.

Henry Fonda and his wife leave, and then Bette Davis makes some kind of decision, and asks her roommate slash maid or whatever to take the son and put him in his sailor suit.  Then she quickly types up a letter to Jack and seals it, but we don’t know what it says.  Is she giving up her son?  Is she sending the little kid to his father’s house to live with him?  WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Yeah, you’re regretting it now, aren’t you?  Bette Davis, as much as I love you, your character just made some bad decisions. 

FOLLOWED BY AN EVEN WORSE ONE.  Now she’s in Monte Carlo — what the fuck?  — with a little dog?  And — what the FUCK is going on?

Oh man — please tell me there will be some poetic justice and she takes a car ride and gets in an accident and becomes paralyzed?  That will be awful and yet fantastic at the same time.  And I never want to wish Bette Davis harm, but this movie is getting slightly ridiculous.

Nope, no car accident — just a trans-Atlantic phone call from Henry Fonda after Bette Davis learns that ‘Flip’ died last year, because apparently it’s over a year since the last scene?  Transitions, people!  Anyway, with Flip out of the picture, they are now safe to be a big, crazy, happy family because apparently now Henry Fonda’s Father doesn’t give a shit — or maybe he died too and no one told Bette? — but the best part is that we don’t even see the actual reconciliation and the movie’s over and holy shit, that was even worse than The Sisters.

I mean, why was it even called That Certain Woman?  Because I’m not entirely sure the title meant what I think they thought it did.

Grade for That Certain Woman: Meh.

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Insomniac Theatre

 

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

19 Apr

OH MY GOD YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS

I had almost a thousand words already typed up about this STUPID MOVIE, and due to an errant thumb, it navigated away from the post page, and unlike SOME WEB BLOGS ONLINE, with WordPress, when you hit “backspace” it returns you to the page you were at without the DRAFT AVAILABLE TO RESTORE.  So NOW, I have to rewrite EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Well, FUCK THAT SHIT, because this movie SUCKS.  In FACT, the reason my thumb slipped in the first place was because I was FALLING ASLEEP.  And I said, “I’m going take a little catnap, because I am totally not watching ANY OF THIS.”  So I turned off the DVD player, and was looking forward to a half-hour nap when the PHONE RANG, and it was some fake cancer society on the phone because I’m sorry, the real American Cancer Society is doing well enough on its own that it doesn’t need to solicit donations over the phone, so I hung up on them and then realized oh shit, I’m awake, I may as well get back into the movie, and now here we are, and all I can think of is “Knock knock, who’s there? Cancer.  Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!” [fast forward to 1:58 for the joke.]

So here’s the quick I Don’t Give A Fuck Recap of the whole … holy shit, that whole bitchass was only eighteen minutes?  Fuck.

Fighting fighting fighting … *gasp* they killed R2’s red cousin, R4!  Oh the humanity!  Stupid elevator shenanigans … Anakin sensed Count Dooky, whereas Obi-Wan sensed a trap, at which point Alaina did her Admiral Akbar impersonation … there was some ranting about how, even though I’ve never seen Return of the Jedi, this movie seems eerily similar … Oh, I did the usual transcription nonsense, but there were no new awesome typos, so I’ll skip that here … and more elevator shenanigans and then HOLY SHIT ANAKIN JUST SLICED OFF COUNT DOOKY’S HANDS and then WAS THAT HIS HEAD TOO and I swear, even though it hasn’t been revealed (yet), I still suspect that Senator Chancellor Palpatine or whoever was behind his kidnapping, much like that guy in that other movie I’ve watched, because the title of this blog notwithstanding, I’ve seen alot of movies, you guys.

Okay.  Let me put up the poster —

— and let’s get back into this pile of filth, shall we?

Oh, right, I had some comments about General Grevious having a cough and wondering how a droid can cough, and then I decided I didn’t care and was tired.

Anakin is landing the spaceship (oh jesus, there’s a joke in here about Cyril and Archer but I’m too tired to make it right now), and he says “We’re coming in too hot.”  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.  Then Obi-Wan smiles and says it’s another happy landing, and I really need to watch more (good) movies with Ewan McGregor in them, because he’s incredibly lovely.  Without the icky beard.  Why does he look like a Civil War general in this movie — oh, wait.  I get it.

Hey, it’s Sgt. Nick Fury!  Sidebar: I kind of love that The Avengers comes out on May the Fourth.  Why have not as many geeks come out with more jokes about that?

Apparently Jimmy Smits is playing Senator Organa, who will most likely end up being Leia’s adopted father, correct?  Why is Amidala wearing her hair in cinnamon buns?  And why is she hiding in the corner?  NOBODY PUTS PADME IN THE CORNER.  And she’s pregnant?!  Oh man … too many Dirty Dancing jokes, not enough time.  How have they not revealed they’re married yet?  Why is it such a secret?  Are Jedis not allowed to marry — like priests?  Am I overthinking this movie?

General Grevious is told to bring the infidels to Mustafa.  What’s the Lion King’s father doing in this movie?

Oh god … Anakin and Amidala are playing the “I love you more” game — “No, I love you more, no you hang up first.”  No, you gag me with a spoon first.

And Anakin is having nightmares about the birth of his children.  And frankly, I’d be a little worried about putting more meat on your bones, Ani.  There’s having a six-pack, and then there’s having a six-pack of lightweight near-beer.  You have the latter.  Go eat a sandwich and follow it with a Guiness or something.

Anakin goes to talk to Yoda about his premonition nightmares.  Yoda’s advice is to “let it go.”  Yeah, cuz that will work.  Meanwhile, Senator Chancellor Palpatine has requested an audience with Anakin.  He wants him to be his representative on the Jedi Council.  Is it my turn to say “I’ve got a bad feeling about this”?

The Council allows Anakin to join the council, but refuse to make him a Master, and he throws a Jedi-sized hissy fit, because after all, he’s barely twenty-five, and thinks he knows everything.  Oh, the curse of the college graduate — thinks they know everything, and yet knows nothing.  And believe me when I am saying that based upon my own experience.

Anakin believes that Palpatine is a good guy.  Anakin is apparently blinder than we thought.  With a name like “Palpatine,” he can’t be a good guy.  And seriously, could there be a shot of Palpatine and Sidious in the same room at the same time?  Because until that happens, I am going to continue to believe that they are one and the same person.

Anakin is talking to Amidala about his troubles, and HOLD THE PHONE — what the fuck is Amidala wearing?!  She’s got, like, this grandma sweater on and a babushka on her head — she looks like a gypsy woman.  All she’s missing is the missing tooth and the one gold earring.  And now, all I can hear in my head is Carol Tunt yelling “JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID!” 

Oh look it’s a night at the opera or something.  Maybe it’s the Oscars.  With giant bubbles of water?  Evil Chancellor Palpatine is enjoying the Bubble Oscars and trying to turn Anakin against the Jedi Council, because CLEARLY, Palpatine is trying to turn him into Sidious’s new apprentice, because PALPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS.  I swear to god, I had better be right about this.

Holy shit, Chancellor Palpatine’s just spent about five minutes planting evil seeds in Anakin’s ear about midichlorians and overthrowing the Jedi Council and all sorts of other shit and all I know is that I haven’t been paying attention because I AM BORED.

Hey, it’s Chewbacca!  Hey, it’s a bunch of Chewbaccas!  Chewbacci?  Wookies.  A bunch of Wookies.  And there’s fightng and robotic octopusses – octopi? – coming out of the water and Yoda almost gets shot and then Lucas cuts away from the battle to show a conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan which practically screams “Anakin is playing Obi-Wan because he loves Palpatine more.”  It makes me feel bad for Obi-Wan for not being able to see through his shit.  I want to go up to him, shake his shoulders and shout, “He’s USING you, Obi-Wan!”  And then I realize I’d be touching Ewan McGregor and I jerk my hands back to avoid getting a restraining order.

Holy crap, Obi-Wan’s riding a dragon.  Or something.  He somehow manages to sneak up on General Grevious, and then there’s a super laser fight joust session where Obi-Wan only has one light saber, whereas Grevious has, like, three.  Because he’s a droid with tons of arms.  Seriously, he’s like a scorpion with a cough that can turn into a wheel?  What the fuck is going on?

Oh my god, Obi-Wan and Grevious are still fighting?  There was a whole scene in the middle of this where Senator Chancellor Palpatine pretty much called Anakin out on his wife-having, secret-having ways, and Obi-Wan has not stopped fighting Anakin yet.  This is ridiculous. 

Obi-Wan finally kills Grevious, whereas Anakin confesses to Nick Fury that he thinks Palpatine’s a Sith Lord.  Nick Fury tells Anakin to stay out of it, and then there’s some lingering looks and thinking on both Amidala’s and Anakin’s part.  Meanwhile, Nick Fury goes to arrest Palpatine, and HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT Palpatine just fucking JUMP-TWIRLS out of his seat trying to kill Nick Fury!  Pretty spry for an old guy.

Also, I was totally right, Palpatine is Darth Sidious.  Of course, the whole reveal was telegraphed two movies ago, so, I’ll be a little quieter in my I Told You So dance.

And then Senator Sidious totally tricks Anakin into letting Sidious kill Nick Fury.  What the fuck.  I’d be pissed, but then I remember that in two weeks,The Avengers comes out, so I get better.

So that’s how Anakin goes to the Dark Side — out of love for Amidala.  Of course; it’s always a woman.  Palpatine names him Darth Vader, and I wonder how he picked that name out of thin air.  Does the naming of Darths follow the naming of hurricanes?  Like, there’s Darth Sidious, and somewhere between then and now there was Darth Tourniquet and Darth Urethra, and now the next one after Anakin will be Darth Walden?  How does that work?

The rebellion against the Jedis has begun, and I’ve lost all interest.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are hiding, because obviously, they need to survive to return in the next movies.  Amidala is waiting for Anakin’s return, but he’s crossed to the dark side of the force, baby, so he’s not coming — oh wait, there he is.  Damn, this movie proves me wrong.  Bastards.

Hey, lava!  I had a feeling this was coming.  I remember hearing a rumor that Anakin falls into a boiling pit of lava to fully turn into Darth Vader.  I’m glad to see I wasn’t making that up.

Amidala and a stowaway Obi-Wan end up at the volcano to confront Anakin.  Anakin is operating under the delusion that he has brought peace to the Empire, and Obi-Wan tries to convince him that he’s still good.  Fails.  And now they’re fighting.  Fighting fighting fighting.  But hey, at least they’re no longer talking.  Dear George Lucas: take a dialogue class, because this is not the fun snappy dialogue I’ve heard occurs between Han Solo and Leia.  This is awful.

Now Yoda and Sidious are fighting in the Senate at the same time that Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting on the volcano.  And I am so bored, I’m actually yelling at the screen for him to slip and fall already.  I can’t wait to mail this back.

Holy shit, Anakin looks like a zombie after Obi-Wan cut his legs off.  You know what?  I’d watch that movie.  Zombie Star Wars.  I think I could get behind that.

So the babies are born, and I’m sad because apparently Amidala names them Luke and Leia arbitrarily while in a pain-induced fog.  At the same time the babies are born, Darth Vader is all masked up.  Fun Fact!  Did you know that Darth Vader’s iconic mask was based off of ancient Samurai battle armor?  You didn’t?  Neither did I, until last Thursday.

Aww… Darth Vader’s first question was about Amidala.  So he can love!  He just kills that which he loves!  Oh seriously?  The agonized NOOOOOO ?  Lucas, at this point, I will max out my credit card and send you to a playwriting class.  You have the Learning Annex in Los Angeles, right?

They split the babies up – as predicted, Jimmy Smits adopts Leia, and Obi-Wan drops Luke off with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.  The couple looks off into the double sunset in a shot that echoes one of the first with Luke, wanting his freedom and adventure, and also, Amidala’s dead.

And the awful trilogy’s finally over!  And I am renewed with faith that the rest of them will be better.  Right?  I mean, at least they have Harrison Ford in them. 

Grade for Revenge of the Sith: Yay It’s Over!

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Star Wars

 

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

07 Apr

Oh yeah.  We’re doing this.  I mean, a of all, yes, it’s a Friday evening and I don’t have anything to do, so it looks like I’m going to potentially ruin what could be a good Friday night (Holy shit, I just got what I did there – heh), but also, it’s 5 o’clock.  Which means I can drink to it and it isn’t white-trashy, and also, I won’t sleep through it because it’s 5 o’clock, not almost midnight, but best of all, when it sucks, it’ll still be early enough for me to go out to get the taste of it out of my mouth.

Alaina Patterson: Champion Rambler since 1996.

wait, is this supposed to be a romance?

Now, unlike The Phantom Menace, I have no preconceived notions about this movie.  (Except that it’s gonna suck.)  In fact, here’s the Things I Know Going In About Attack of the Clones:

  • Anakin is now a teenager, played by Hayden Christensen, which puts Attack of the Clones about ten years later than Phantom Menace.
  • Natalie Portman still plays Queen Amidala, and does not look ten years older.
  • MAYBE Queen Amidala has some super anti-aging potion or something to keep her looking young, while Anakin has some super aging shit so he can hurry up and be a Jedi already?
  • Also, there is a romance that blossoms between Amidala and Anakin.  To me, that is creepy, because I just saw the movie where Anakin’s a ten-year-old.
  • Also also, there are attacks, most likely by clones.

And here are the questions I have that I hope get answered:

  1. HOW in PLUPERFECT HELL is George Lucas going to make the Amidala/Anakin romance NOT CREEPY?!
  2. What are the clones OF?  I mean, are they robots?  Are they clones of other aliens or humans?  ARE THEY ZOMBIE CLONES BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC
  3. Oh please let there be zombies!!
  4. That wasn’t a question.
  5. Okay, how’s this?  Once the clones are determined, what are they attacking?  And how?  Bombs or flash mobs?  Terrorist attacks or really bad stand-up?  All are attacks!
  6. Will Ewan McGregor be awesome and/or naked in this one?  I could use a little hot-guy-action.

And before I hit play, all I can think of is the past two months where I have been horribly hesitant to actually watch this and Revenge of the Sith.  I mean, I know these movies suck, but I’ve also heard great things about the other three movies — the first ones, the original ones.  But because of my psychotic personality, I have the masochistic need to watch The Stupid Three first.  So I’m just going to dig in and get shit done, because eventually, there are other, better movies to watch out there, and then I’ll never have to watch these again.  Right?  (I mean, I can hear Brad whining about Dead Poets Society from here.  And I’m sorry, but informal survey: How many of you guys call that ‘DPS’?  Seriously?)  Right.  Okay.  Here I go.  (Oh shit, where’s my vodka?)

[Oh, and after hearing all my friends talking about excessive timestamps after watching Death of a Ghost Hunter on Netflix, I’m going to stop with the timestamping.  And no, I haven’t watched that yet, and yes, I will eventually, but someone needs to give me the drinking game rules first.]

THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST REAL-TIME TRANSCRIPTION OF ALL TIME.  I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS FOR CORRECTNESS.

“There is unrest in the Galactiac Senat.  Esveral thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Reupblic.

This eparatist movement, under the leadership of themysterious Gount Dooky, has made it difficutl for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peance and order in the galazxy.

Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC TO ASSIST THE OVERWHELMED jEDI…”

OH MY GOD GOUNT DOOKY.  I could NOT make that up if I tried!!  Also, the above is why I’m not a court stenographer.  I can type 90 words a minute, but it won’t be pretty.  Or legible.  Or correct.  But GOD will it be hilarious.

Yay R2!  My favorite character returns!  And then the pilot dude of the ship or whatever has the CLASSIC ROOKIE BLUNDER of stating “I guess there was no danger at all,” because not FOUR SECONDS LATER, the ship or whatever BURSTS INTO FLAME.

DUDE.  Have you not seen “School Hard”?  When Willow and Buffy both hit Xander for cursing our beloved heroine with the fatal words, “How bad can it be?”  NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, because then you’ll be saddled with running Parent Night on the Night of St. Vigius, and also, Spike will be there and try to kill your mom.

Also included in the mantra of Curse Statements: “It could be worse”; “It can’t get any worse”; and “This is a cute cemetery with no record of weird shit.”

Trust me on that last one.

Anyway, Senator Queen Amidala’s double was killed in the blast, and the dude with one eye walks her away from the crash site so she can go to Senate.

Sgt. Nick Fury and Master Yoda are advising Senator Palpatine or whoever the old dude is on whether there’s going to be a civil war between the republic and the … non-republic.  But then Senator Queen Amidala breezes in with her entourage and Yoda expresses concern on the fact that she was almost killed.  Sgt. Nick Fury believes it’s disgruntled moon farmers on Naboo or something (I DON’T REWIND), whereas Senator Queen Amidala believes it’s Gount Dooky.  Someone suggests that Amidala be put under the Jedi protection but then JIMMY SMITS IS THERE!?  What the fuck is he doing in this movie?!

So Obi Wan Kenobi is going to protect Amidala and since Anakin is Obi Wan’s apprentice, he’s going to be along for the ride.  Oh great, and Jar Jar is there too.  Whoopee.  Anakin begins by putting his Padawan foot right into his Padawan mouth and pledging to learn who was trying to kill her.  Obi Wan reminds Anakin to stop focusing on the negative (because apparently, that way goes the dark side — OH WAIT.  And also, maybe I shouldn’t recommend that the young Padawan reads Bright Sided?).

Meanwhile, HEY IT’S BOBA FETT!  Right?  That’s who that was?  Anyway, his client is ordering him to kill Amidala, so he gives some chick some canister that’s full of hella poisonous things or something and it goes right to Amidala’s room and spits out two EEEWWWW WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?  ARE THOSE CENTIPEDES?  R2-D2, YOU’RE THE WORST LOOKOUT EVER So the Jedis go running into Amidala’s room, and Obi Wan fucking JUMPS out the window and grabs onto the delivery robot after Anakin kills the slugs with his light saber (that’s what she said?), and now Anakin’s chasing Obi Wan through traffic and I think there’ll be a long enough chase scene for me to be able to eat a popsicle.

Nope, because Boba Fett or whoever shoots Obi Wan off the robot and now he’s hurtling through space and do those planets even have a ground?  Anyway, Anakin rescues Obi Wan and now they’re chasing the thing and can I please have enough time to eat my popsicle?

Mmm… orange.

Oh … Coruscant does have a street level.  Must be where the lowly peons walk.

Obi Wan (to Anakin): Why do I have the feeling that you’re going to be the death of me?
Ohhh…. that’s …. ouch.
[Yeah, that’s right — never seen A New Hope, but I know that.]

They find the chick, they know she’s working for a bounty hunter (BOBA FETT), and then they break up the wonder team of Anakin and Obi Wan by sending Obi Wan to find the bounty hunter and Anakin to escort Amidala back to Naboo.  She’s leaving Jar Jar behind as her representative?!  No wonder there’s a civil war!

Oh jeez.  Anakin’s having all sorts of ~feelings about wanting to move beyond Padawan status.

And there’s the first “May the Force be with you.”  Except I never poured me some vodka, and Diet Coke w/Lime just isn’t the same.

AND ANOTHER SENTENCE TO ADD TO THE CURSED STATEMENTS: “Don’t worry; we have R2 with us.”

What the hell is this diner place?  It looks like the place where Marty McFly tried to order a Tab and/or a Pepsi Free.

And then Obi Wan gets the smackdown from a librarian.  Awesome.

Meanwhile, in a homeless shelter, Anakin is trying to tell Amidala that he loves her, going so far as to tell her he dreams about her.  Look, dudes?  Here’s a hint.  People dream about people all the time.  But no one wants to know that other people dream about them.  Because then, if I were to find out that a friend was dreaming about me, I’d be wondering, is it a sex dream?  Or a dream where he’s running away from clowns and I’m there laughing at him?  EITHER WAY IT’S BAD.

OH MY GOD CUTEST THING EVER!  The Youngling Jedis saying “Good evening, Master Obi Wan” is ADORABLE!!  And now they’re searching for a planet in the middle of a black hole?  Oh, apparently someone erased some files from an archive or something.  I WONDER IF IT WAS GOUNT DOOKY WHY IS NO ONE SUSPECTING THE PERSON WITH THE AWFUL NAME

I kind of love that Anakin is rocking an ascot.  I just … it’s so dapper and weird and awesome.  And he’s taking offense at being ignored.  Oh, young Padawan.

Oh, that voice is familiar.  Who plays the Prime Minister of the weird tall white alien planet?  WAIT, THEY MADE A CLONE ARMY FOR THE REPUBLIC?

Weird Tall White Alien Prime Minister: But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.
Alaina: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

I just realized why I couldn’t look up the voice of the weird Prime Minister – George Lucas gave him an actual name but then neglected to mention it in passing, so I’m left with no recourse but to make more That’s What She Said jokes.

Anakin doesn’t like sand because it’s coarse, and rough, and gets everywhere… like in your cold dead eyes, Woodhouse?  And now he’s kissing Amidala.  And I was just about to say that I know that won’t end well, because I’ve literally seen how this saga ends (SPOILER ALERT Darth Vader dies, gets burned, and his ashes go up into the stars and Leia and Han smile beatifically while Ewoks dance), but then Amidala cuts me off because she also knows it’s a bad idea.

Ah, the clones are human.  Ish.  And Jango Fett’s the original Host?  Wait — is that where STORM TROOPERS COME FROM?

Oh man, Amidala and Anakin are cavorting in a field, and the bohemian hippie shit is making me gag on my Diet Coke.  Jeez, I was kidding about the cavorting, but no, now they’re literally rolling around in a field.

OH GOD A BABY BOBA FETT!!  Holy shit that’s crazy!

Is it just me, or does it seem strangely appropriate that, when Anakin professes his love for Amidala, she’s kind of wearing a dominatrix outfit?  I mean, it’s black leather with a collar and a corset that pushes her boobs up to Naughty Thought Town, and there’s a fireplace and shoulder length leather gloves and COME ON!  Seriously?

Okay, I totally just took a little break to surf the web for a little bit.  Because face it, this would be naptime if I were watching this as part of Insomniac Theatre.  Meanwhile, Jango Fett has a jetpack! And the ability to walk on walls like Spider-Man!  Until Obi-Wan comes in with his flying ninja kick!  But then Jango head-butts him* until he catches on some fishing line and almost pulls a John McClane over the edge of the building, until finally Jango thinks he’s dead and Obi Wan races back up to the pad launching site and throws a homing device onto the ship, and I’m all, duh?  And also, Jango: that’s why you don’t wear heavy armor when you’re flailing around on a rainy roof.  Because then you can’t climb back up.

*Sidebar — wouldn’t that be more like, hit a guy in the head, then turn around really quickly and then hit him again with your butt?

Seriously, I’m bored.  So there’s an asteroid chase and whatever, and then we add to the list of Cursed Statements with “Stay near the ship, R2,” which is just about as bad as “Stay in the car, Chuck.”  Anakin and Amidala go to meet the Lars family (Uncle Owen!  Aunt Beru!  And, again, I knew that before watching A New Hope, so, suck it, y’all), and apparently Anakin’s mother has been kidnapped but no one went after her?  What?  Oh sure, Elder Lars, blame your injury.  Whatever.

Dear Elder Lars: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about young Padawan Anakin, it’s that he will never accept anything on faith.  He needs to see the stupid shit he brings about with his own eyes.  So he leaves Amidala with his stepfamily and takes a weird spacebike to the other side of Tattooney to find his mommy.

I’m sorry — that sounds heartless.  I wouldn’t wish a kidnapped mother on anyone, but this movie … good lord.

THERE’S STILL AN HOUR LEFT IN THIS MOVIE?!  WHAT THE HELL, LUCAS!?

Hey, it’s Christopher Lee!  Playing Evil Old Guys (And Vampires) So You Don’t Have To: Since 1896.  And he’s playing Gount Dooky!  As he should be, because Gount Dooky is the King of All Evil.

Oh good — Anakin found his mother.  I’m not being snarky, I’m legitimately glad he’s found his mother, so he can get closure.

And by “closure,” I of course mean “killing tons of people when she dies.”  That Yoda is apparently able to overhear and yet do nothing to stop.

Oh man — I almost thought that Sgt. Nick Fury was going to, like, lounge on that pillow.  The way he went to sit, I almost thought he was going to end up laying on his side, holding his head up by one arm, and look at Yoda and go, “Whatcha doin’?”

Watch out, Obi Wan!  There’s a pterodactyl above you!  (Perhaps it’s the Motherfucking Pterodactyl?)

So Anakin admits to mass murder in the name of his mother — including women and children, which, wow, okay — and Amidala just looks at him and says, “It’s okay to be angry – it’s human.”  WHAT?  Padme, honey — he just killed an entire village.  Maybe now’s the time to run away?

Uh oh — Gount Dooky has Obi Wan trapped in a force field.  And he’s talking about someone called Darth Sidious?  Why didn’t you just name him Darth Evil?  Because seriously, the only name better than that would be Freddie Foreshadowing.

Obi Wan: I’ll never join you, Dooku.
That just sounds … so ridiculous.

Oh Jesus … speaking of sounding ridiculous: Jar Jar is addressing the Senate.  There’s no way this can go well.  Oh, BULLSHIT, Senator Palpatine!  You’ve been orchestrating this takeover for years!  Lemme guess — he’s Darth Sidious?  Because seriously, that’s how I would have written this.

Oh dear Lord and Savior, please cut short the Droid Shenanigans, please.  I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I’ve had that dream!  The one where you’re on a conveyor belt, and ducking obstacles like you’re in some crazy video game?  And now C3P-O’s a drone clone or whatever, and R2D2’s somewhere saving the day, as he usually does, and Amidala’s about to get molten lava poured over her, and oh gee, I wonder how this will end?

NO YOU DON’T, Amidala.  You do NOT love Anakin.  You love the IDEA of him.  And what the hell are those things, Jabberwockys?  ANAKIN – did you not listen to me earlier about Cursed Statements?  Having a “bad feeling about this” is not allowed, tradition be damned.

And here come the Jedis, to the rescue!  Because the bad guys have also brought in the clone droids or whatever, and I’m starting to get even more bored than I was twenty minutes ago.

Fighting fighting fighting … light sabers flashing and making that light saber noise … C3P-O being annoying … Jango Fett getting trampled by a Jabberwocky … Jango Fett killing the Jabberwocky (but where’s his vorpal sword? — oh wait, Sgt. Nick Fury had the vorpal sword, because HOLY SHIT HE JUST DECAPITATED JANGO FETT)

Oh … my GOD.  C3P-O.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

Okay, hi, I have a question?  Where are — oh shit.  I just answered my own question.  I mean, I was going to ask if this movie was called “Attack of the Clones,” and the Jango Fetts with the Tall White Weird Things were the clones in question, when were they going to attack?  And then they attacked.  Or, at least, rescued the heroes and shot their guns a little bit, but not enough to actually attack.  Oh, and they left C3P-O and R2D2 there.

Oh shit, is there more fighting?  Seriously?  I’M BORED.  LET SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN ALREADY.

Your communications have been jammed?  Was it Raspberry Jam, by chance?

Great.  Now there’s an actual war.  I swear to god, this movie’s never going to end, is it?

The Ultimate Weapon?  The Death Star, perchance?  Yeah, that’s the Death Star.  Guys — maybe, before building it, you should look into that one little corridor that leads directly to the self-destruct button?  Just sayin’.

Oh man — from the angle I’m watching it, it looked a minute like Christopher Lee was riding a space bike into war.  Thank god he’s not.  I would have made way more fun of it.

How can you handle it, Obi Wan?  You’re out of rockets and ONE OF YOU lost his light saber again!  Oh, it looks like he found another one.  And then he runs right into Sauron and is surprised when he gets knocked unconscious.

WHOA!  SAURON JUST CUT ANAKIN’S ARM OFF!  Oh god … the Arrested Development jokes …

Wait … Yoda fights in this movie?  Did I know that?  I’m not sure.  Yeah, guys, shoot your guns at Gount Dooky’s transport.  BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS WORKS.

Also wait … I thought the hooded guy was going to be Senator Palpatine … unless it IS Senator Palpatine?

Okay, so, the “shroud of the Dark Side” or whatever has fallen, and the Clone War, begun, it has, but … is that where the Clone Wars animated series starts?  BECAUSE I AM NOT WATCHING THAT.  And no, seriously, why is Jimmy Smits there?!

Oh great — those two crazy kids got married.  Because that will end well.  HAHAHAHA Anakin has a skeleton hand for a hand!  Apparently the technology necessary to fly between planets exists, but to make an authentic artificial hand, we’re going to have to wait another thirty years.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

<b>Grade for <i>Attack of the Clones</i></b>: Thank God it’s over!

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2012 in Star Wars

 

Insomniac Theatre: “The Great Lie”

29 Mar

Well, let’s continue with the Bette Davis films with The Great Lie, a 1941 drama starring my favorite dame and her lover, George Brent.  The imdb. has this synopsis:

After a newlywed’s husband apparently dies in a plane crash, she discovers that her rival for his affections is now pregnant with his child.

Ooo… intrigue!  And hopefully face-slapping, yes?  There needs to be more movies where Bette Davis slaps the shit out of people.  (Just sayin’.)

Hoo boy ... this one's going to be *dramatic*

OH MAN the movie starts off with music that I should remember … I think it’s from a Bugs Bunny cartoon?  And — WAIT I HAVE SHAZAM NOW HOLD ON

Hm.  Apparently Shazam doesn’t believe in being able to tag classical music.  The fuck, Shazam?  Even classy people need to figure out where they’ve heard that song before.

A-ha!  The music is apparently the Piano Concerto No. 1 in B Flat Minor by Pyotr Tchaikovsky, and the beginning strains were heard at the beginning of the classic Merrie Melodie cartoon, A Corny Concerto, starring (in part) Bugs Bunny!  Fun Fact!: The introduction is by Tchaikovsky, but the rest of the music heard in A Corny Concerto is all composed by Johann Strauss. 

Hi, my name is Alaina Patterson, and I used to be a classical music nerd.

ANYWAY.  The credits end, and here’s where the story actually begins.  Holy cow, this apartment they live in has a leopard-printed couch!  Well, some dude comes in and wakes George Brent up — apparently his name is Mr. Van Allen — and his wife is sleeping in the other room, and apparently Mrs. Van Allen is a pianist who might be playing with the Philadelphia orchestra, and the storming dude wants to see her for some reason?  And there goes George Brent, making a scotch and soda at, like, nine in the morning.  Awesome.

Let me take a moment (speaking of scotch) to mention how freaking happy I am that Ron Burgandy announced that there’s going to be a sequel to Anchorman!  I swear, Anchorman is easily on my list of top ten favorite movies of all time, and the fact that we’re getting a sequel is fantastic!

The next day (or later that day, whatever), Mr. Van Allen — also known as Pete — goes to see his lawyer.  That can’t be good.  The lawyer does mention that Pete hasn’t been in the daylight for a week, and his response is “there’s something about that woman.”  Nice!  Was this before or after the Whatchimacallit Laws, because that seems kind of racy for its day.

Well, Mr. Lawyer tells George Brent/Pete that his new marriage isn’t legal because Sandy (his wife) — her divorce wasn’t finalized.  So if he wants to marry her, he’ll have to do it again and sober in the daylight.  That tells me a lot about their original ceremony.

Flash to him flying a plane — what!? — over Maryland, and there’s this — oh god, I don’t know how to proceed.  He’s clearly a servant, and he’s African American, and it’s like … you know that episode of Mad Men where Roger did blackface and all the viewers got offended?  That’s how I’m feeling about this moment, especially when the servant calls him “Mr. Pete.”  Oh, 1942 racism!  Don’t ever change!

And HOLY SHIT THERE’S MAMMY FROM GONE FROM THE WIND.  And yes, I have seen that movie — three times, even.  So shut up.

And there’s Bette Davis, hiding from “Mr. Pete” by pretending to have a cold.  Oh, lord, and she’s got a Southern accent?  That type of accent sounds awful coming out of her mouth.  I swear, one of the next movies I have to watch isAll About Eve, because I’m not sure if I can take another movie of Bette Davis being a simpering female.

Oh, Pete proposed to Bette Davis (Maggie), and she refused him.  And then he went off and married someone else.  And she asked him to be a sober person — wait a minute.  She had a problem with alcohol?  Is this because of what happened with Errol Flynn in the last movie? 

And now he’s leaving Maggie’s house, not saying a word about the fact that his marriage is null?  Why — what?  This movie is confusing.  So he goes back home and his wife (Mary Astor) is still hiding, and that dude is still waiting for her.  Apparently Mary Astor is getting a massage from some dude because Pete left the window open (?) and she caught cold in her shoulder (??), and at one point the massage dude pinches too hard or something and she just hauls off and slaps him!  Holy shit, I kind of love Mary Astor.  Because what did I say about face-slapping?  ALL MOVIES NEED MORE FACE-SLAPPING.

Pete at least tells Mary Astor that they’re not legally married, and he pretty much gives her an ultimatum: marry him on Tuesday, or play the concert in Philadelphia on Tuesday as scheduled.  Judging by the tantrum she pulls on her piano and the poster we see in the next shot (holy shit, orchestra seats were $5 back then?!), we are led to believe that they don’t remarry and Sandra Kovak (Mary Astor) remains in love with her career.  Good on her, I guess.  And here’s Bette Davis, waiting for Sandra Kovak to finish her performance.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost guess that Bette was beginning to play the Eve role in this.  Holy crap, Mary Astor’s even wearing the cape that Eve wears after winning the Sarah Siddons award!  Not making that up, I swear!

Maggie and Sandra talk about Maggie’s idea for Pete — Pete wants to maybe get back into aviation, or something.  Hey, at least Bette Davis has lost the horrific Southern accent she sported for all of two seconds.  It was just bad. 

It’s weird to see Bette Davis in the non-powerful role.  Mary Astor is totally being the bitchy one, and it doesn’t feel right in my head to not hear those lines come from Bette Davis.  Not to say she hasn’t had some one-liners, but … it’s strange, not seeing her own the room when she’s sparring with Mary Astor.

Pete has shown up, meanwhile, at Maggie’s house in Maryland.  Pete finally tells her that he’s not really married to Sandra.  And then there’s the requisite scene of the servants working in the kitchen.  And then Maggie and Pete FINALLY get married, and they have the saddest looking wedding cake ever — I mean, it’s just one big slab of cake, without tiers or any other decoration.  And while the servants are all celebrating, Bette and George are hanging out on a couch far away from the frou-ferah.

WAIT A SECOND — Bette Davis’s character’s name is Maggie Patterson?!  THAT’S MY MOM’S NAME!  THE HELL?  I don’t know what to do with that!

Why does Maryland look like Georgia?  Seriously, down to the proliferation of plantation workers and moss-covered willows, this place looks like Tara.

Pete joins the aviation department in Washington, and goes flying off somewhere.  Maggie is hanging out in New York and runs into Sandra, who tells Maggie that she’s pregnant with Pete’s baby.  Just as Maggie learns that news, Pete calls her long-distance to let her know he’s going on a long trip.  Sandra tells Maggie that she’s going to get Pete back, and Maggie accuses her of lying about the baby. 

And now Pete’s plane is missing, and everyone thinks he’s dead, but Maggie’s trying to hold on to the belief that he’s still alive in Brazil somewhere.  And as Bette’s crying, she finds a long letter to Pete from Sandra.  And she gets a gleam in her eye, similar to the gleam the Grinch gets when he gets his horrible, awful idea. 

She storms into Sandra’s house and asks to adopt Sandra’s baby when it’s born so it can have Pete’s name and legacy.  Maggie offers to take her and Sandra far away where no one will know them, and after taking the baby, will set Sandra up for life money-wise.  Her eyes practically boinging dollar signs, Sandra agrees.

And when Bette Davis says “we’ll go far away where no one knows us,” apparently that means the Arizona desert, because apparently in order to avoid the paparazzi that follows all the concert pianists around in 1941, Arizona is the wilderness to which one disappears.  Damn, they are in the middle of nowhere.  And Sandra’s getting bored with being all alone, and being bored equates to smoking a lot, which apparently even in 1941 was not recommended for pregnant women. 

In the middle of the night, Bette Davis wakes up and finds Sandra in the kitchen making a sandwich.  Out of an entire ham.  And Sandra also has a craving for pickles, and apparently that’s not a good idea for a pregnant woman?  What?!  That’s all pregnant women have been eating for decades!

And then Mary Astor freaks out, what with the solitude and the cravings and the not having alcohol and the not smoking cigarettes and the wind outside and the everything, and finally, Bette Davis smacks her friend upside the head.  And THAT’S what I’ve been waiting for!  Bette Davis needs to smack more people.  Can I make that happen?

And FINALLY, the baby is born, a poor squabbling little thing that sounds like a duck.  Bette leaves the birthing room to go talk to the shade of Pete, and then there’s a spinning globe that lands on Australia, and there’s Mary Astor, playing the piano in Australia.  She’s cleverly wearing an empire waist gown to hide the remnants of the baby fat.  Meanwhile, there are two old dudes looking at a globe, perhaps hoping to find Pete in Brazil.  It sounds like there could be a chance, but they’re not going to tell Maggie at the risk of getting her hopes up.

Bette’s feeding Young Pete when her Aunt comes to visit, and there’s a telegram from Pete, saying that he’s alive and he’s coming home!  At midnight, Thursday, in Cartersville, or whatever.  The plane lands on the plantation, and Pete emerges from the plane in practically the same suit he left in, and he certainly doesn’t look like he’s been missing in Brazil for almost a year.  He and Bette Davis have a nice reunion, and then there’s a showing of home movies — they had the ability to make home movies back then?  I find that rather hard to believe.

Bette Davis and George Brent head to New York for some reason and, of course, run into Mary Astor at a bar.  Because there’s only one bar in New York.  Mary hints that Bette should have told Pete whose baby it was, then she dances off evilly with some random dude.

Then Bette Davis is at the house taking care of her dogs and she hears piano music.  When she goes in, of course, there’s Mary Astor playing on her piano.  There’s a joke in there, about the Paderewski playing the concerto upon her, the piano, and I just maintain that the next movie I watch is going to be All About Eve.  Pete invites her to stay the night, and Bette says it’s okay.  The baby gets put to bed around six, apparently, because when they dress for dinner it’s almost seven o’clock. 

Pete gets a phone call, and Maggie and Sandra have a brief fight about what they’re going to do with their plan.  Sandra tells Maggie she’s not going to do anything, but she wants Maggie to tell Pete about the baby, because, and I quote, “It was never part of the bargain that Pete was still alive.”

The next day, Sandra confronts Maggie, and they both tell Pete about Young Pete.  Pete slowly goes over all the evidence and puts everything together.  In the end, he tells Sandra that if she wants the baby, it’s within her rights to take the baby, but he’s going to stay with Maggie.  But in the real end, Sandra lets Maggie keep both Old Pete and Young Pete, and in the real end, I can finally go to bed. 

What is it with these old Bette Davis movies that just don’t measure up to Bette Davis’s potential?  I mean, seriously!  I watched Now, Voyager last year and liked that, but this stuff is kind of ridiculous.  Come on, Bette, you can pick scripts better than this!

But hey, at least this movie held up to its title?

Grade for The Great Lie: Meh.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2012 in Insomniac Theatre

 

Insomniac Theatre: “The Sisters”

25 Mar

So … it’s been awhile.  I did, in fact, go to Annapolis for training, and then there was the recruiting and interviewing and the driving to North Attleboro twice and getting stuck in traffic outside of Boston and the driving to Providence and being awake for almost 24 hours straight and the party wherein myself and some good friends reenacted the key scene from Office Space and beat the shit out of a printer and somewhere in there I totally gave up on Oscar!Watch because hey, did you see those movies?   Yeah, didn’t think so, stop looking at me like that.  Anyway, none of the above was in chronological order, but look, the point is I’ve been busy, okay?

And no: I still haven’t watched Attack of the Clones.  Somehow, I don’t think you’re gonna be that mad at me.

What I have been doing is recording random titles off of Turner Classic Movies.  Unfortunately, between the movies and the backlogs of Ringer, Grimm, and Psych currently filling up Jeremy the Dreaded Beloved DVR, capacity’s holding steady at 87%, and Mad Men comes back tomorrow, so … I actually have to watch those movies.  And quickly.  So I decided — because in addition to not watching Attack of the Clones, the other thing I haven’t been doing is writing anything of substance lately — that I was going to use Movies Alaina’s Never Seen as an output for the random late night movies I record off TCM, in a segment that will heretofore be known as Insomniac Theatre. 

It’ll be cool, I promise.  I think.

For some reason, TCM has been showing a lot of Bette Davis movies in the past month.  And random, obscure Bette Davis movies at that.  I love that, because I love Bette Davis. 

I mean, look at those eyes.  She’s clearly looking at you with a mixture of amusement and disdain.  I wish I could get my face to do that without making a grimace.  And the dialogue that comes out of her mouth!  To this day I’m unsure if I’m mistaking Bette Davis for her greatest character, Margo Channing, but I aspire to that level of wit and verbal repartee.  If she were alive today, I would hope she’d have at least two million followers on Twitter.

In the past week, I’ve watched Dark Victory and The Golden Arrow, both of which are pre-All About Eve.  In Dark Victory, she plays a socialite with a brain tumor who falls in love with her neurologist, played by Bette Davis’s future lover George Brent.  If I can find that somewhere again – either Netflix Insta!Watch or TCM again – I have to write about it, because a) of all, Humphrey Bogart’s also in it, and he’s in love with Bette Davis’s character, but most importantly b) of all, one of the side characters is played by future president Ronald Reagan, and I didn’t recognize him until I saw his name in the credits.  That led to a long while of laughing by myself at an inside joke I have with a friend of mine about Reagan’s funeral, being buried in the backyard, and all presidents going to heaven.

Unless you’re Sarah, don’t ask.

In The Golden Arrow, she still falls in love with George Brent, but it’s more of a comedy.  I almost wish I hadn’t deleted Golden Arrow from my TiVo list (mainly because I fell asleep halfway through and can’t remember a good bulk of it) – if any movie should have been the inaugural post of Insomniac Theatre, The Golden Arrow should have been it.  The first scene involves an archer who is shooting arrows across wings of a hotel!  And the arrows fly through an open window and the guy manages to shoot like, four lamps out!  And then we never see the archer again!  There are no more arrows!  Or any reason as to why the movie is even called The Golden Arrow!  Also, George Brent’s character has a valet!  Pronounced like “ballot,” and the valet’s name was Walker, which is so close to Woodhouse that I laughed for five minutes straight.  And then when George Brent’s character fires the valet, I laughed for another five minutes, imagining that George Brent’s character asked Walker/Woodhouse to search the living room for dog hair and if he found even one when he got home, he was going to rub sand in the valet’s cold, dead little eyes.  Oh, and also, George Brent needed to have Walker/Woodhouse go buy sand, and he didn’t know if they graded it, but he’d need to get … coarse.  Oh god, the hilarity!  Hooray for metaphors!

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS there is a tumblr that takes stills from Mad Men and puts quotes from Archer over them and it is the greatest and best tumblr in the entire world!  This one is my favorite for reasons I can’t actually put into words!  Dear Sterling Archer Draper Pryce Guy: I love you.  So much. 

Uh, okay.  One hour later, and I still haven’t started watching this damn movie.  Oh, right.  Tonight’s entry: The Sisters, also starring Bette Davis, which was the point of me talking about Bette Davis so damn much three paragraphs ago.  (Y’know, I bet she’d love Archer.)  The synopsis, according to the TiVo: “One Montana sister (Bette Davis) marries a San Francisco sportswriter (Errol Flynn); another, a ric–”

What’s a ric?  Is it Ric from Vampire Diaries?  *gasp* But right now Ric is having problems controlling his evil side!  Jeremy the Dreaded Beloved TiVo, you idiot.  Here, let me pour coarse sand in your eyes.

 

Okay.  Here we go.  Oh, wait — I need to refill my drink.  There’s no more vodka and the Sprite has gone flat.

Okay.  Now – here we go.  While we’re waiting for the credits to roll, let me see what imdb. has to say about this flick: “Three daughters of a small down pharmacist undergo trials and tribulations in their problematic marriages between 1904 and 1908.”  So — not funny, I guess?  We’ll see.

Apparently, this movie is An Anatole Litvak Production.  I’m not sure what any of those words mean.  Oh — Anatole Litvak was the director.  Good to know.  I’m always amused by credit sequences of old movies.  For instance, in this movie, the director is credited before the “music by.”  That would never happen in this day and age.  Nowadays, there may be multiple production companies and much more star power, but the director is always the last name you see before you push into the first scene.

In The Sisters, the first scene is a book — similar to the first shot of Disney’s Sleeping Beauty, or Shrek. 

Oh man, I need to quote this; the prose is so violet!

“There is much to remember about Silver Bow, Montana.  In the eighties it was a lusty, wide-open mining town, brought into sudden life by new-found copper. … By 1904 it had mellowed … and those who had lived its exciting youth, mellowed with it.

And now, again, a new world was beginning to form.  A dangerous radical named Theodore Roosevelt was asking the people to send him back to the White House … and Silver Bow was preparing to celebrate his hoped for victory.”

And then the camera sits there for over a minute so we can read it (or, in my case, transcribe it).  Now there’s a parade for Roosevelt, with flaming torches and signs that say things like GET ON THE ROOSEVELT BANDWAGON and SILVER BOW IS FOR “TEDDY” and I’m sorry, but both of those can easily be followed up with a “That’s What She Said.”  HOLY SHIT there’s a big picture of Teddy Roosevelt layered over a picture of a big stick with the words “BIG STICK” written over it.  I’m laughing so inappropriately right now…

Right outside the parade route is the home of Ned Elliott: Drugs (he’s a pharmacist, but the sign for the shop reads “Ned Elliott – Drugs.”  It’s how every druggist should advertise!).  Apparently he and his wife are going to a ball (what is this, Cinderella?), and he can’t fasten his collar and she needs to be zipped into her dress but then her daughter yells for her and off she runs.  Meanwhile, the night bell is ringing up a storm, so Ned yells out the window that the pharmacy is closed, but it’s a doctor or someone, and he says: “The Lester kid’s got diptheria.  I want you to fix me up a little dope.”  Who knew that medical marajuana was a cure for diptheria? 

Oh, it’s an election ball they’re heading to.  And two of the sisters are killing each other with their hairpins or something.  And there’s Bette, but her voice isn’t raspy and she’s way too nice.  It’s like she’s modulating her voice to be soft and feminine. 

My goodness, these women sure do yell a lot.  Always sniping at each other about their beaux and the amount of powder a woman is allowed to wear and holy crap, they actually have dance cards!  How antiquated and sort of cute?  Meanwhile, all of this hulabaloo about Roosevelt makes me want to reserve the next book in the Roosevelt trilogy.  But I’ve been reading too much non-fiction lately; it’s taken me almost three weeks to finish reading Bright-Sided.

So they’re at the ball and they’re all dancing and everyone’s talking about Louise (Bette Davis) and Tom and when the wedding’s going to be, but Tom hasn’t asked Louise to marry him yet.  So Tom and Bette Davis are dancing, and Bette Davis’s Sister Helen is dancing with some dude and then a girl asks Helen if she was able to save a dance for her father (?  Ew!) but she wasn’t.  Apparently the friend’s father went to the prize fight instead of the parade (what?  What kind of town is this?!), and Helen says that she’d love to go to a prize fight someday (and now all I can think of is last week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries with Sage the Vampire engaging in boxing matches with men and winning), and Helen’s friend comments that ladies don’t go to prize fights, and Helen’s witty retort is: “But I’m not a lady; I’m Helen Elliott!”

Somehow I think that statement’s going to come back and bite her later.

Right — the movie.  Helen goes to shamelessly flirt with some dude (played by Errol Flynn).  He is introduced thusly: “He’s a newspaper man from San Francisco, and he likes prize fights better than dances, and he likes a good drink better than pretty young girls.  He’s a dangerous man!”

Helen’s response:

it's even creepier in real life

“How exciting!”

Dear Lord, that woman is batshit crazy.  And we’re only twenty minutes in.

Oh no!  While the town dances a square dance, Dangerous Reporter exchanges significant glances with Bette Davis over Tom’s shoulder.  BWA!  I think my new favorite thing is that Dangerous Reporter describes Tom as “the one that looks like day-old spinach.”  They go off to flirt over roast beef sandwiches or something (I swear I’m not making shit up – there is flirting and there are sandwiches).  And then he walks her home, and — gasp! — he’s holding her arm!  SCANDAL.

Dear Bette Davis: stop whispering.  I swear to God, the next movie I watch is going to be All About Eve, so I can watch her yelling at Birdie and telling everyone to shut up about Eve and asking Bill if he is the Paderewski who plays his concerto upon her, the piano, plus the whole speech about being a woman and slow curtain, the end and she’s just being so dang … soft and girly in this movie, it’s making my fingers itch for a cigarette and a martini.  My Bette Davis is sultry, feminine, but most importantly of all, brash and bold.  This Bette Davis is not my Bette Davis, and that makes me sad.

DangerousMan goes to dinner with Bette’s family, and there is thirty seconds of the entire family eating soup and exchanging significant glances with everyone from across the table.  And now there’s more yelling when DangerousMan proposes marriage to Bette Davis, but she doesn’t say yes; she just stares into his eyes, while the lens is coated in Vaseline.  Later, on the front porch, he convinces her to bolt in the night with him, away from her family, and take the midnight train going aaaanyywheerrree — er, San Francisco.  Her sisters watch her escape from through their bedroom window, and in any other movie, that’d be the end –the heroine overcomes her fear and agrees to run away with the man she loves – the score even sounds like it’s the end, with the swelling strings and brass underneath!  There should be a “The End” overlain on the  scene — but instead, this movie is only half an hour in.

So now, Bette Davis and DangerousMan have returned to San Francisco.  And — Bette Davis, is that you?!  Wearing that hideous hat with feathers and smoking a cigarette with a boa looking like a gypsy woman?!  Oh, thank god — it’s just Bette Davis’s crazy neighbor, going over to Bette Davis’s apartment, introducing herself and asking to borrow some butter.  There’s a joke in here about something being just like the Gypsy Woman said, but I’m too tired to find it right now.  Crazy Neighbor Lady sounds eerily like Glinda the Good Witch.  I know she’s not Glinda in real life, but dear lord, she just sounds insane.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch in Silver Bow, Montana, Day Old Spinach Guy is taking out Bette Davis’s Younger Sister Grace out in his automobile.  Dad-gum, it’s a blowout!  And Grace jumps off the automobile to help him change the tire, and she holds the hubcap and collects the nuts but when — oh hell, you know that’s not what happened.  (It’d be cooler if it did, though.)  Anyway, Tom’s pumping up the tire with an overgrown bicycle pump, and Grace wants to help, so she jumps down and they both pump together.  As they’re pumping, we have this conversation:

Tom: Now Grace, there’s been something I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time.
Grace: Yes, Tom?
Tom: Will you marry me?
Grace: Yes, Tom.
Tom: That’s fine.

THAT’S FINE?  Wow.  He really is exactly like Day Old Spinach.

Also meanwhile, Helen visits her friend Stella’s father (the guy who introduced Louise to DangerousGuy), and I think she just went to visit her friend and got wrapped up in a conversation with the father, and then THE FATHER PROPOSES MARRIAGE TO HER AND WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE?  I mean, yikes.  Because Helen is easily less than 30 (knowing that this movie takes place in 1904, probably less than 25), but that dude is easily over fifty.  And her best friend’s father!  That is “ick” on too many levels for me to be comfortable with it.  And it sounds like it’s just a marriage of convenience — Sam loves her, but Helen just wants to go to New York and be taken care of, she doesn’t care for love.  Especially since the town thinks she’s just marrying the dude for his money.  Which, in a way, she kind of is, even though she denies it.

Meanwhile, DangerousGuy turns out to also be DrunkGuy — and at only 8 p.m., too!  Lightweight — and comes home and starts bitching about being a man of responsibility and not wanting help from anyone, and it’s pretty much a case of self-doubt about his lack of novel that he’d been trying to write and causes him to drink, but now Bette Davis is going to have a baby, and that’s just going to spell trouble for Bette Davis and DangerousGuy.

And according to the book — they keep showing the book from the beginning! — DangerousGuy resolves to be Stand-Up Husband.  Why, he even takes his loving wife to the prize-fights, where they sit right next to a guy smoking a cigar and one of the fighters almost falls directly into Bette Davis’s pregnant lap.  Oh wait, she didn’t tell him she was pregnant until now?  Uh, well played, Bette Davis?  Except Bette Davis WENT TO THE PRIZE FIGHT and then WALKED UP AN ENTIRE TWO AND A HALF FLIGHTS OF STAIRS and she collapsed on the third landing and suffered a miscarriage.  Christ — that’s all it takes?  Don’t tell the Christian Conservatives!  Stairs and the boxing profession will be outlawed!

However, Bette Davis’s Younger Sister Grace has had a baby with Day Old Spinach Guy.  Suck on that, Bette Davis!  (Oh don’t you dare threaten her — well, normally, I’d say don’t threaten Bette Davis, but she’s so wimpy in this movie!)

DangerousGuy goes to ask his editor boss for a raise, and they fight and then he gets fired.  When he comes home, Bette Davis has scrimped and saved up enough for a Christmas tree (oh, right, it’s Christmas), and when Bette Davis offers to get a job, he flies off the handle and takes it as a personal affront (because, again, this is 1905ish) and runs out to get drunk and Bette Davis tells him to not come back and now, finally? She becomes an independent woman?  PLEASE

Meanwhile, in London, Helen and her Friend’s Father are attending a party.  In London.  Man, that girl gets around.  Anyway, Friend’s Father is drinking heavily and Helen is flirting with some dude named Norman.  Her friend gets all uppity when she finds Norman professing his love for Helen in front of Friend’s Father’s drunken stupor.  She shakes her father awake, and he manages for all of four seconds before he collapses on the ground and now Helen’s a widower.

Well, Bette Davis welcomed DangerousGuy back into her apartment, and it kind of pains me to say it (because he’s playing a shitheel), but Errol Flynn is kind of hot when he’s all disheveled.  Where can I find me one of those?  Y’know, one that hasn’t been dead for three hundred seventy years.  Anyway, he goes out to find a new job, but after a detour to a bar, he finds out that there’s a job in Djibouti and he’s going to leave Bette Davis to do that.  That SHIT HEEL.  Screw it.  If I can find a modern-day Errol Flynn, I’m going to —

Uh, I just remembered that some male friends of mine read this blog, and they probably don’t want to know what I’d do with a modern-day Errol Flynn.  Or, if they do want to know, I don’t want them to know, so I’m just going to shut up about tying anyone to bedposts and move on.

So Bette Davis’s husband cuts and runs.  Shitheel.  And she still believes he’s going to come back?  Poor, poor delusional Bette Davis.  And then it’s the earthquake of 1906!  Because when everything’s the worst and you’re in the depths of despair, THEN GOD GIVES YOU AN EARTHQUAKE.

OH MAN TELEGRAPH MONTAGE

Hey, is anyone wondering what’s going on with Bette Davis’s Younger Sister Grace?  No?  Yeah, me neither, apparently.  Oh, and also, DangerousGuy’s not going to Djibouti, he’s going to Singapore.  Because yes, those places sound alike.

Everyone’s trying to get ahold of Bette Davis, but she’s just waiting for DangerousGuy.  The mounties or whatever have to pull her out of her exploded apartment because she refuses to leave because DangerousGuy could come home.  But hey, at least when she yells, she’s starting to sound like My Bette Davis again.  Also, when she goes to a boarding house, it’s run by Miss Pittypat!

Oh, please tell me the boarding house is actually a brothel.  Please tell me the boarding house is actually a brothel.  That will make my life! 

Oh hey, it’s the story of Bette Davis’s Younger Sister Grace’s Son, Day-Old Spinach Jr.!  Oh no, wait, actually, we’re going to find out that Day-Old Spinach is actually cheating on Grace.  What type of spinach does that make him now?  Regardless, Bette Davis and Helen both return to Silver Bow to support Grace.  Hey, the Sisters are back together for the first time on-screen in over an hour.  What the hell, Movie?  Apparently, “supporting” is equivalent to “encouraging the cheating men to run their whore out of town via blackmail.”  And that’s the Bette Davis I know!

But DangerousGuy has returned to San Francisco and he’s determined to see Bette Davis again.  Except she’s back in Silver Bow, dealing with the town whore.  Meanwhile it’s another Election Ball, and it’s almost a repeat of the first ten minutes.  THAT MEANS THE MOVIE’S ALMOST OVER, RIGHT?  And apparently Helen has another fiancé — while she’s waiting for her husband to divorce her back in New York (that’d be Norman, for those keeping track) — and Tom is driving Grace in their new automobile. 

Everyone dances together, and then DangerousGuy surprises Bette Davis at the election ball, and apparently William Howard Taft is the next president of the United States, and Bette Davis and DangerousGuy are going to try again, and then there’s this weird shot of the three sisters standing in the middle of the dance floor, standing stoically and staring upwards, holding each other and then it’s the end WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S THE END, DOES SHE GO BACK TO DANGEROUSGUY AND HOW MANY MORE TIMES DOES HELEN GET MARRIED

…. And I’m done.  And if it weren’t two in the morning, I’d totally put in All About Eve and watch that.  As it stands, I still haven’t finished watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang without falling asleep, and I’ve tried four times with no success.

Anyway.  This is a movie I don’t feel the need to pick up again.  Talk about false advertising — for ostensibly being a movie about sisters, they sure as hell weren’t together a lot.

Grade for The Sisters: Meh.

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2012 in Insomniac Theatre

 

Movie Dump: Oscar!Watch 2012, Part One

08 Feb

I’ve really got to get my butt in gear with these movies, especially since I’m going to be in Annapolis all next week without access to a Redbox or a movie theater (I’m guessing my hotel won’t be within walking distance of a Cinemagic).  So let me get everyone up-to-date with the movies I’ve been watching as I get ready to finally dig into Attack of the Clones.

Moneyball: A movie about money, balls, but no acting

Moneyball, for those keeping track, is nominated for Best Picture; Best Actor (Brad Pitt); Best Supporting Actor (Jonah Hill); and Best Adapted Screenplay.  It was the movie that began Oscar!Watch for me.  And I have to say, I am unimpressed.

Now, I am the epitome of Playoff Fan when it comes to sports.  I had no idea Gronkowski even existed until I watched the Patriots play the Broncos in the playoffs.  And the only reason I watched that game was because I enjoy making fun of Tim Tebow and asking him where his god is now.  When it comes to baseball, I enjoy watching the Red Sox, and if there’s nothing else on, I’ll tune into NESN and watch whoever they’re playing.  Do I know all the players?  No.  I know Varitek and Papelbon and … Big Papi?  Does he even still play?  But look, a) of all, if one of the players has been traded or went to another team in the past five years, please don’t feel the need to correct me because I really don’t care that much, and b) of all, have I mentioned that I don’t really care?  I’ll watch the Sox play the Yankees, because there are days that it feels like it’s a requirement living in Maine to root against the Yanks, but I do have to agree with my friend Sarah (who happens to be a true-blue Yankees fan) that rooting for the Red Sox against the Yanks is no longer rooting for the underdog.  The Sox are just as highly-paid as the Yankees, and — being from Boston — they still manage to fuck up occasionally.

Moneyball is an attempt to show that there could be a chance for a lesser-paid team to win the Series if, instead of buying people, you buy the people who can get on-base.  I can sort-of see that.  The theory is interesting to me, at least, and it interested me enough to get a copy of the book Moneyball from the library.  (I haven’t started reading it yet.  What?  I’ve been busy.)

Brad Pitt plays the General Manager of the Oakland Athletics, and they are a notoriously under-paid franchise.  What was really interesting to me about the saga of the 2002 A’s is that, it wasn’t until the following year (2003) that I started to get into baseball, and the team I followed for a while was the A’s.  So as I’m watching the story of the streak of 20 straight games won, I was wracking my brain, trying to remember if I had watched that.  Turns out, I was a year late and a dollar short.

Anyway, back to the acting.  Uh, what acting?

"Seriously? How did we get nominated, again?"

Because all I saw were Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill playing themselves, except Brad Pitt chewed tobacco and Jonah Hill didn’t swear as much as he usually does.

Do I think Moneyball was a good movie?  Yes.  Do I think it will win Best Picture?  Hell no.

Bridesmaids: If Only Comedy Was a Legitimate Expression of Art

At least, it doesn’t seem to be recognized by the Academy as art.  Speaking as someone who will occasionally get laughs from co-workers and friends with her witty remarks and deftly-maneuvered pop culture references, I heart comedy so much I wish … I wish so much, you guys!  I wish the Golden Globes weren’t so out-of-touch that they saw The Tourist as a comedy last year.  I wish critics and reviewers and members of the Academy didn’t think comedy was low-brow, or somehow less emotional than drama.  I wish people saw laughter as a higher-valued commodity than tears when award season comes around.  I wish … I wish I could call War Horse by its actual title instead of Warm Horse every damn time.

But mostly, I just wish that, some day, a true, honest-to-goodness, laugh your ass off-funny movie could potentially win Best Picture.  Because look, there are a lot of good movies out there, and there are a lot of dramas with touches of humor to them (we call those “directed by Wes Anderson”), and there are a lot of dramas that do make you feel good, and there are also a lot of movies that legitimately deserve the title of that year’s Best Picture.

But let me ask you a rhetorical question that I’m hoping doesn’t paint myself into an argumentative corner once answered: look at your personal list of Top Ten Movies in the History of Ever.  Is there a comedy on that list?  Are there days when you’re feeling down and you just need to laugh, and you go to that comedy over your number one, which could potentially be something dramatic, depressing, yet uplifting as Shawshank Redemption?  Is there a movie that you find yourself always quoting, whether in conversation, emails, or just sending a long list of quotes back and forth to your bestie via text?

Because look: I rate my Number One Favorite Movie of All Time as Die Hard (which I almost spelled Dire Hard, and now I feel the need to write that), because no matter what time it’s on, what channel, what time of year: if I find it on TV, I am watching it to the end.  Even if I have a doctor’s appointment that I am late for.  (You can’t break Bro Code Rule 84!)  And yes, it’s an action flick, but it’s also funny.  When I am feeling depressed and need a pick-me-up, I’m going to defy my own rule and come out with the fact that I will pop in Sunset Blvd late at night, and watch it with the lights off.  Because a) of all, I defy you to watch Sunset Blvd in the daytime or with lights on; even though there are no ghosts or anything, it is a scary movie.  But most importantly b) of all: I don’t care how depressed you are.  When you watch Sunset Blvd, you are at the least comforted by the fact that, no matter how bad things are going for you or how badly you are feeling, at least you’re not a crazy woman who shoots her gigolo in the back as he’s trying to leave you because he’s not in love with you.

But the movie that I will race to if I need to laugh my ass off, or if Kerri and I get into a texting war, is Anchorman.  And look (and no, I’m not going to apologize for bringing out this reference): sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

"This is worse than when the raccoon got stuck in the copier!"

Oh right, I’m supposed to be talking about Bridesmaids.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."

Yes, Melissa McCarthy: you are indeed awesome.  Melissa’s character was the best part of Bridesmaids.  And while I’m excited that it was nominated for Best Original Screenplay (an honor that never went to The Hangover, though that film did win the Golden Globe for Best Comedy), I know it can never win that award, because the script is covered in Kristen Wiig.

Look, I have Kristen Wiig issues.  And while she was extremely palatable in this film, there were moments that screamed of Penelope, or Gilly, or any of the other hundreds of characters she’s played on SNL where the joke stops being funny about three seconds in, but they have to keep it going for another five minutes and they are, without a doubt, the longest five minutes of your life.  Moments in the movie that I can point to and say “See?  That’s Wiigness right there” are: The never-ending, one-upping toast at the engagement party; while it was funny, the multiple drive-bys to get the cop’s attention at the end; and the trashing of the bridal shower.

But Melissa’s character was awesome.  Funny, but also the get-a-grip friend that Kristen Wiig’s character so desperately needed.  I hope that she is able to ride the wave she’s on right up to the podium to collect her Oscar, because unless the women of The Help knock it out of the park even further, this one will be a tough one to beat.

The Descendants: Or, Never Go See Movies With Your Parents

Especially movies where a family has to deal with the death of a mother.  Cheating bitch of a mother, in this instance, yes, but she’s still dying.

"Yeah. Wow. Astoundingly bad call, Patterson."

I mean — anyway.  The best part about this movie is that it is totally Clooney’s Oscar to lose.  I’ve never seen him like this — a father, a husband, with actual emotions.  So kudos to Alexander Payne for getting Clooney to cry and make me sympathize with him so strongly.  And I love George Clooney.

I also really really really want this movie to win Best Adapted Screenplay, because one of the writers is Jim Rash, who plays Dean Pelton on my beloved show, Community.  And there’s no real way to describe who Dean Pelton is or the appeal he holds, so let me just show you a couple of clips (because there’s no way at this point to make this post any shorter, so I should just stop trying):


(which you can’t watch without the end, which is PRICELESS — skip ahead to 2:47):

Okay, seriously?  If you can watch those three clips and not be intrigued by Community, then I’m sorry, you have no soul, and we can no longer be friends.

But how awesome would it be if Dean Pelton won an OSCAR!?

The Ides of March: “If his father is dead, I’m out.”

Those were the immortal words spoken by my roommate as we watched The Ides of March last week.  There’s a scene where Clooney’s assistant campaign manager (Ryan Gosling) is told his father is calling.  Amelia, being the West Wing connoisseur that she is, immediately went to the flashbacks of “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen” where Josh joins the Bartlet campaign and then has to leave on the night Bartlet goes to the convention because his (Josh’s) father has died.  Being the Josh fangirl I am, the only thing I remember from those episodes is Josh up against the wall, trying to keep his intestines inside his body where they belong.

The good news for those following and caring is that Ryan’s character’s father doesn’t die, so it doesn’t reek of prime time Sorkin.  The bad news is that the movie’s okay, but probably not good enough to win Best Adapted Screenplay.  And I’m not saying that just because I want Jim Rash to win so badly it hurts sometimes; I’m saying that as someone who liked the story, but doesn’t think the writing of the screenplay is exciting or special enough to win an Oscar.

The Tree of Life: Or, Did I Accidentally Take Acid Last Night?

The answer, for those keeping track (and cops), is no, I did not take acid last night.  But I can only assume that an acid trip would look like The Tree of LIfe.

Amelia: What’s The Tree of Life about, again?
Alaina: Remember that trailer we’d keep seeing when we went to the movies last year, with Brad Pitt and the redhead and the kids and a lot of shots of water and desert and really loud opera playing in the background?
Amelia: Yeah — oh yeah, that’s the movie?
Alaina: Yeah.
Amelia: But what’s the movie about?
Alaina: I have no fucking idea.

And after watching it, I still have no fucking idea.  I think it’s about a family with three sons, and one of the sons dies off-screen and I don’t think it’s ever said how he dies, but it’s also about the beginning of life and the end of the world, and also Brad Pitt plays an emotionally abusive father but he’s not aware of his abusive tendencies, but also and most importantly, there were dinosaurs.

"What am I doing here in this movie?"

I swear to god, I did not find a random picture of dinosaurs from another movie to put in there.  That is a legitimate still from The Tree of Life, and the one that made me sit up in bed at 2 in the morning, making me ask “Did I drop acid by accident, like that one time I watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force because I was too lazy to change the channel and was really confused?”

I know why it was nominated — it was too ‘arty’ to not be nominated for something.  But will it win?  Maybe Best Cinematography.  But Best Director and/or Best Picture?  Hell no, it won’t.

There.  I feel accomplished.  Now I can go do other stuff, like scrub the bathroom or do a load of laundry or something like that.  Or, I can go watch Jane Eyre so I can return that to the Redbox too.

Or I could just pass out on the couch getting caught up on Conan.  Yeah, that’d also work.

 
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Posted by on February 8, 2012 in Oscar!Watch!

 

Oscar!Watch 2012: I have to watch THAT?!

25 Jan

Two very important things happened today: 1) I had a hot stone massage pedicure, and it was HEAVEN.  It was so much HEAVEN, I almost just spelled that HEAVAN.  And 2), the Oscar nominations were announced.

Oh, and there may have also been a State of the Union Address.  Whatever.

Obviously, the Oscar Noms is the most important of the important things that happened today.  I believe I’ve mentioned in the past that every year, I attempt to watch all of the movies nominated for the 8 major awards (Picture, the four Acting awards, Director, and the two Writing awards) so I can make educated guesses as to who will win and lord it all over everyone else.

So when I read the nominations, I was filled with both glee and dread.  Glee because HOLY SHIT Melissa McCarthy was nominated for Best Supporting Actress!?  That accomplishes TWO major things: a funny woman was nominated for being funny, and also, Bridesmaids was the first true comedy in YEARS that was actually recognized by the Academy for being FUNNY.  What have I been saying for YEARS?  FUNNY MOVIES ARE AWESOME TOO.  In fact, the argument could be made that my love for comedies is what caused me to start this blog because if I hadn’t spent all my time watching Anchorman for the frillionth time, I would probably have seen a lot of these freaking movies by now.

ANYWAY.  Here’s where the dread comes in:
Oh god — I have to see Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close?  And The Help? And Warm Horse?  I HAVE TO GO SEE WARM HORSE?!

[PS.  Dear Jimmy Fallon: I heart you so much.  Because now, every time I see the commercial for War Horse, all I can do is mutter “Warm Horse.”  So yes, I’ll be the idiot in the theatre making jokes about the boy is now being played by a puppet to avoid crying at the fact that the horse is DYING.  Oh, right, spoiler alert; sorry.]

So anyway, regardless; whatever.  Don’t be surprised if I end up talking about the movies as I see them — and god bless Redbox, because without that little DVD magic machine, I’d be screwed six ways from Sunday, and none of them good. 

Although, as John reminded me:
John: You know, Weevil — you doing this Oscar!Watch would be more meaningful if you had seen some other movies.  Like Braveheart.
Alaina: It’s on my list!  Right after Warm Horse.

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2012 in Oscar!Watch!

 

The Phantom Menace: Part Deux

20 Jan

So not only am I being yelled at for not watching movies; now I’m being yelled at for not seeing them in the proper order.

Brad: What do you mean, you’re starting with The Phantom Menace?
Alaina: It’s Episode One, Brad. 
Brad: Yeah, but it sucks!  You should watch them in the order in which they were released.
Alaina: I don’t want to end with Revenge of the Sith!
Brad: You shouldn’t even watch those!  Just watch the first three!
Alaina: I shouldn’t watch Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi?  Wait a minute —
Brad: That’s not what I said.
Alaina: Whatever. I’ve already started, it’s too late to change transport mid-asteroid belt.

So I have just about an hour left, and (conveniently) just about an hour before Amelia the Roommate gets home, which means I have just about an hour to finish the movie without having to listen to her groan at my viewing choices. 

So please, pull up a chair (or whatever) and grab a drink (you’ll need it), because we’re finishing this small section of Hell tonight. 

Hm.  Although, I think I’m going to change my choice of alcoholic beverage; I’m not going to waste my champagne on this swill.

When we last left our intrepid heroes… young Anakin was going to race his pod (I’m unsure if that was a euphamism) so as to win enough prize money to buy the transpondster (or whatever) that Qui-Gonn Jinn needs in order to fix his transport and get the hell off of Tattooney to go … help the Queen, or something.  I don’t know, I got kind of lost there.  Also, Anakin’s blood is chock full of midichlorian goodness, and also-also, Alaina was playing a fun game of Let’s Add That’s What She Said To Innocuous Phrases.

Game on.

0:53:15
A chance cube? What the fuck is a chance cube? And I really don’t want to know what else Watto uses that cube for. Because I just went to a very dirty place.

0:56:06
What the fuck is that, a jackalope? Holy shit, they have jackalopes on Tattooney!

0:57:02
Hey, that weird seahorsey thing just pulled something on Anakin’s pod. A of all, that’s what she said? But b of all, I CALL SHENANIGANS.

0:57:55
Liam Neeson: May the force be with you.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:58:11
Holy shit it’s Jabba the Hut! I forgot he appeared in this! Dear lord, George Lucas loved that tub of lard. Also, is that a Mrs. The Hut back there? How does Jabba explain the slave girls?

1:01:38
Oh my god. I actually remember sleeping through this. I remember the sound effects, and the occasional shotgun and comment from the sportscaster or whatever the hell that two-headed thing is that’s commentating on the race, but I remember slouching in my chair at the theater, with my eyes closed, not really understanding what was going on, and I remember sleeping through this. This is crazy.

1:09:50
Thank god that’s over. I almost fell asleep again.

1:24:01
Shit! I fell asleep. FUCK IT I’M NOT TURNING BACK.

1:24:34
YODA! And Sgt. Nick Fury! Okay, I’m awake now.

1:24:45
Nick Fury: May the force be with you.
Alaina: Drink!

1:27:15
I’m hungry now. I could totally go for some mac ‘n’ cheese. Obviously, my stomach is MORE INTERESTING than this STUPID Senate Committee meeting. Also, how did a Queen get elected?

1:28:44
Amidala: This body is not capable of action.
Alaina: That’s what she said! *drinks*

1:29:17
Is that Terence Stamp as Chancellor Valorum? It is! Holy crap, that’s awesome.

1:37:27
Right, it’s Darth Maul that everyone wanted to be for Halloween. Sgt. Nick Fury is Mace Windu. Honest to God, I hate this movie. And I’m really jonesing for some mac ‘n’ cheese.

Okay, brief interruption while I and the Roommate hit up WalMart for some pre-closing antics. But I’m not going to stop and post here, because I refuse to even say “Part Trois” with this stupid movie.  I’ll be right back.

Two hours later…
Okay, I’m back.  Easy Mac took care of the Mac ‘n’ Cheese craving, so I’ll shut up about that now.  Meanwhile, I’m not going to rewind to see what I missed when I took my nap, because I need to FINISH THIS TONIGHT.

1:42:17
Evil Emperor: This is an unexpected move from her.
Alaina: That’s what she said!

1:46:45
Dear Liam Neeson: It’s incredibly sweet of you to think that Anakin is going to listen to your order to find a safe place to hide. Dude, the kid is ten, there is no way he’s going to do what you say. He’s going to be all, hey, look at this cool little jet thing, this is way better than my crappy pod, let me take it out for a test drive. If only he crashed; then there wouldn’t be any other movies — oh. Right.

2:00:01
Aw. Goodbye, Liam Neeson. Meanwhile, that answers the question of “what happens when you stick your light saber in some dude?”  Also, that is TOTALLY what she said.

2:09:54
OH THANK YOU JESUS CHRIST this movie is over.

You know, maybe it was because it was over ten years ago, or maybe my memory’s gotten especially hazy, but regardless: I do not remember this movie being so bad. And while I recognize that I don’t have to watch the next two, that I could just skip ahead to “the real Star Wars” [REAL ZOMBIES!? Did you just say REAL ZOMBIES?!], I think all the readers of my blog, as small as that population may be, well: you all need to realize that I am both a completist and a masochist.

What I’m trying to say is, at some point, once I sanitize my eyeballs, Attack of the Clones is next.

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Star Wars

 

The Phantom Menace: Take One

17 Jan

Monday Tuesday, January 17, 12:09 a.m.
Well, seeing as how I don’t have to be at work until 2 p.m. tomorr—er, later today, I could potentially watch The Phantom Menace tonight and get that over with.

Or – or — I could just watch the episodes of Friends where Chandler proposes to Monica.

Hm.  Decisions, decisions.  I mean, I could watch Friends, but it’s not like I don’t know how it ends.  And if I keep watching Friends, that means I could potentially finish this hat I’m crocheting, because I don’t have to pay attention to what’s on TV.  I could also turn on Netflix’s instant watch via the Apple TV, and catch up on two and a half seasons of White Collar before the premiere tomorr—er, tonight.

Or — or — I could grab the Netflix disc of Phantom Menace and kill that one bird with one stone.  I could also play two games: 1) Finish Off The Rum By Drinking Every Time Jar-Jar Says Something, and 2) See If Alaina Falls Asleep During the Pod Race Again.

Hm.  I’m not really talking myself into or out of anything.

AHHH NOOOO DREW BARRYMORE WHALE MOVIE COMMERCIAL.  Well, that settles it —  Phantom Menace it is.  I’m not going to watch cable if it means seeing that commercial again.

(I’m sorry – I can’t take any movie seriously that involves Drew Barrymore saying dialogue like “Then those whales are going to die.”)

One hour later …
*sniff*  Goddamn you, Monica and Chandler!  *sniff*

Okay.  On to cry for an entirely different reason.  OH LOOK I CAN’T FIND THE DVD REMOTE GUESS I CAN’T WATCH IT AFTER A–  dammit.

Oh, PS, I totally fixed my alcohol problem, in that not only am I finishing off the rum, but also one of the four bottles of gin.  A hearty shout-out once more goes to the Janitor from Scrubs  and his wonderful, magical breakfast liqueur.

Timestamp: 0:01:31
WAIT A MINUTE – this whole thing – this whole fucking saga — began as a TAX AND TRADE DISPUTE?! 

I am going to KILL PEOPLE.

0:02:55
Dudes, I may not know a lot about Star Wars, but I know that C3P-0 was gold. Right?

Oh heeeyyy, Ewan McGregor! What’s up with your stupid ponytail thingee? You look like a creeper.

0:04:39
Why the hell are those fish people scared of the Jedi? I mean, yeah, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor are both rather badass, but — WHOA THAT SHIP JUST EXPLODED WHAT THE FUCK

For those keeping track, I have not yet started drinking.

0:06:22
Okay, now I’ve started drinking.

0:07:17
Ewan McGregor: They’re shield generators!
Alaina: No shit, Obi-Wan, that’s what those force field thingees are!

0:07:38
Liam Neeson: Battle droids?
Ewan McGregor: It’s an invasion army.
Liam Neeson: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.
Alaina: That’s what she said?

0:11:04
Oh no …. Jar-Jar. *drinks*

0:16:38
Liam Neeson: I saved his life. He owes me what you’d call a life debt.
Alaina: A life debt? You mean, like Harry Potter and Wormtail? OH MY GOD JAR-JAR IS TOTALLY WORMTAIL, RIGHT?

0:26:58
Ah, Tattooine. Or, if you’re me and a couple of friends playing Star Wars Monopoly on what was supposed to be Poker Night, Tattooney. Because we were drunk.

Also, I don’t know, guys. It’s 2:07 a.m. and while we haven’t gotten to the Pod race, I’m fading fast. Maybe because, I don’t know, this movie is BORING?!

Aw hey — hi, R2-D2! Why don’t you do us all a favor and shoot Jar-Jar, huh?

Also-also, in retrospect, it is way OBVIOUS that the actress playing “Queen Amidala” and the actress playing “Padme the Lady in Waiting” are THE SAME ACTRESS. How did I miss that fourteen years ago?

0:30:29
Liam Neeson: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Alaina: DRINK!

0:32:48
You know what’s seriously creepy about this? That in the next movie, Natalie Portman and this TEN YEAR OLD end up becoming a couple. *yick*

0:39:15
Anakin: When the storm is over, I’ll show you my racer.
Alaina: Okay, A of all, CREEPY, kid, you’re staring right at Natalie Portman, you player, and also, you’re TEN. But B of all, that’s what she said?

0:40:45
Hey, remember when Mace Windu was a thing that everyone wanted to be for Halloween? Yeah, me neither.

0:41:55
Anakin: No one can kill a Jedi.
Alaina: Except you, in about forty years. CREEP. Oh, right, and Mace Windu kills Liam Neeson in, even though according to the timestamp, only about an hour, it FEELS like in forty years.

Seriously, I think this may need to be a part one, completed tomorrow night in a part deux.

0:44:32
Here’s a question. Between all the Obi-Wans and Amidalas and Anakins and Qui-Gonns and Valerians and fuckall, how the hell did Anakin pick out “Luke” for a name for his son? Is that question going to be answered? Amidala picked out the names, didn’t she? And it probably came from the same place where I’m going to name my kids: “I went all through elementary school having my name mispronounced. It’s ah-mee-DAH-lah, not ah-MEE-dah-lah. Fuck that, this kid’s name is Luke.”

PS: My kids will be named Annie and Jack. Can’t mispronounce those!

0:47:50
Hey look, it’s Cindy Lou Who!

0:50:00-ish
Okay, I give up for tonight. It’s 2:30, and I’m starting to fade. I haven’t nodded off yet, so I figure this gives me a stellar chance of remaining awake through the entirety of the pod race when I try again next time.

Tune in Wednesday night (because that’ll be the next night I’ll be able to finish it and not completely wreck my sleep cycle, such as it is) for Part Deux of The Phantom Menace.

[Hey, it’s called Movies Alaina’s Never Seen; it doesn’t say anything about needing to watch them in one sitting.]

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2012 in Star Wars

 

Pre-Watch: The Phantom Menace

07 Jan

So this is the new year // and I don’t feel any different…

Sorry.  Death Cab on Pandora radio.  I actually feel different, but I’m not going to get into that here.  Here is for Movies, and as I am one stinking episode of True Blood away from finishing season 3, let’s move on to the first movie I’ll See, which is (conveniently) also the next movie on my Netflix queue.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Interestingly enough, I have seen the majority of this movie.  When did it come out, 1999?  (Goes to check on imdb.)  Yeah, 1999.  Well, I remember distinctly that it was a night in late June or possibly early July — myself and Beth and Mikel were playing a round of mini golf at the Long Shot Golfing Range in Brunswick.  The mosquitos were coming out, but we were valiant.  Oh, that’s right, it was Beth’s first time mini golfing, and she had no idea that, at some mini golf places, the 18th hole collects the golf ball.  She did a whole Charlton Heston-finding-the-Statue-of-Liberty-on-the-beach “NOOOOOOO” thing even. 

DAMMIT.  *Adds Planet of the Apes to the list.*

ANYWAY.  After the game, my dad came to pick me up and he took me and my sister to see The Phantom Menace.  My dad has always been a huge geek — it’s where I get it from, honestly.  And I remember he was always trying to get me to watch Star Wars, and Indiana Jones, and Back to the Future when I was a kid, but I’d always resist.  Indiana Jones I remember resisting because of the spiders on Sapito, or the snakes in the Well of Lost Souls.  I can’t remember why I didn’t want to watch Back to the Future when I was a kid — probably because of the Libyans shooting the shit out of Doc Brown.  As for Star Wars — I was a girl, and all I ever saw was a scary guy in a black cape talking weird.

But I’ll talk more about A New Hope later.

So when George Lucas began filming a new Star Wars series, the one that explained how Darth Vader came to be, and how he was Luke and Leia’s father, but who was their mother, et cetera, et cetera, well; Dad was very excited.  He resolved that my sister and I were finally old enough to understand all the political intrigue of what was going on, and I think around the same time George Lucas was mucking around with the original Star Wars, digitizing them and making them all pretty (and adding scenes where he didn’t need to, and again, I’ll talk about that later), so Dad decided that he was going to take my sister and I to see all the new Star Wars movies in the theater.

We left the mini golf course — I think Beth’s brother took her and Mikel home — and we drove over to the Regal Cinema practically next door, and sat down for the later show of The Phantom Menace.

So what do I remember of the movie?  Well, there was this really annoying kid haggling with Liam Neeson over the price of something, and he was a pod racer, and there was an angry Senator Palpatine who was driving Princess Amidala crazy, and oh, wasn’t there an Amidala Double?  I think I remember that.  And although I didn’t know it at the time, there was Ewan McGregor as a very young Obi-Wan Kenobi.  That is now a Bonus!Hot Guy for this movie (and one of its only saving graces, if I remember correctly).

But what I remember the most is that I was so tired, and Jar-Jar was so fucking boring and annoying, that I fell asleep during the Pod race.  I can’t remember anything of what happened with that.  At all.  I remember seeing the scene where he’s driving the Pod through the desert, but that could also be me remembering the commercials for the movie.  I mean, I was out like a light.  Completely zonked.  In the middle of the most important, most action-driven segment of the entire fucking movie.

Oh, I also remember that there was something called midichlorians (?), and those things were actually the Force, not some mystical property, which, even though I haven’t actually seen any of the other movies, I call SHENANIGANS.

Now, some of you may ask, “Alaina — why are you starting with The Phantom Menace?  Why don’t you start with A New Hope and FINALLY join the ranks of geekdom to which you so fervently wish to belong?”  Well, Some of You, here’s why I made the decision to watch the story chronologically, versus the movies chronologically: because I don’t want to end with Revenge of the Sith.  Would you?  I mean, I know enough of both trilogies that I could get away with watching the ‘original’ trilogy first and ending with the ‘first’ trilogy, but … why would you want to?  Wouldn’t you want to watch the series in order, a) of all, to get fucking Jar-Jar Binks out of the way, and b) of all, to end with Han and Luke and Leia triumphant?  I also don’t want to have a sour taste on Star Wars in my mouth, and watching the greatest trilogy of all time (yes, even better than Back to the Future, or so I’ve been told) and then watching the WORST trilogy of all time would definitely create a sour taste.

Now, having said that: when/if I ever have kids, rest assured that they will be watching the original trilogy first.  Then, if they’re curious as to how Darth Vader came to be and who’s Obi-Wan Kenobi and did Yoda ever not talk funny, then I may let them watch the second trilogy.  Maybe.  It depends of if I like Attack of the Clones and/or Revenge of the Sith.  I may just gloss over the details and let them wait until they’re old enough to make their own mistakes choices.

So my plan: I’m going to finish True Blood and then mail those back, so sometime next week, I should be able to cross The Phantom Menace off my list.  And the sooner, the better; I also remember that it totally and completely sucked.

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2012 in Star Wars

 
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