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That’s What She Read Tie-In: “Moonraker”

10 Nov

PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR IMPORTANT NOTES FROM THE FUTURE!

In the spirit of symbiosis, or completion, or … I dunno, something, I’ve decided to introduce a new feature here on Movies Alaina’s Never Seen: the That’s What She Read Tie-In!

Notes from the Future!:  As you will read, I first attempted this watch of Moonraker over two months ago.  Thanks to a confluence of events – mostly me finding new employment, working two jobs, attempting to keep up with my TiVo so I can keep recording stuff, and oh yeah, Netflix did cancel the streaming version of this movie – this is the first time I can actually sit down to watch this movie without turning it into a very bad episode of Insomniac Theatre. 

So here’s how this is going to work: thanks to Netflix, I’ve got this on DVD now.  Similar to when I watched Return of the Jedi, my stupid TV can’t pause or rewind, so we’re gonna see how frustrated I get.  I’m not going to delete what I’ve already written – that would be madness and a waste.  But I might add to it, and you’ll be able to tell what’s new because they have this fancy new thing called “italics.”

Future!Notes will conclude when I catch up to where Sleepy!Alaina had to kill the movie back on Labor Day Weekend – because yes, it has really been that long.  So sit back, relax, pour yourself a cocktail (or five, depending on what you may require), and prepare yourself for one of the most disjointed “reviews” you may ever read.

My Dear Friend Sarah has been spending the last few weekends devouring the entire James Bond movie canon in a chronological manner.  At just about the same time, I was finishing up Gone Girl, and I needed something new to read while My Dear Friend Erica was finishing up the book she was reading so we could start Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister together (more on that here), and it had been a while since I had read a James Bond novel, and Moonraker happened to be the next title in the book series chronologically, and then when I went to see if I could order Moonraker the movie on DVD through Netflix, I learned that Netflix had it streaming, but only until September 2, so now I’m playing chicken with Netflix, trying to figure out if “available until 9/2/13” means through 9/2/13, or if the movie’s going to cut out halfway through when Netflix turns midnight on California time.

Holy shit that paragraph was practically one entire sentence.  Dear Sentence Structure and English Teachers: I am so, so sorry.

So tonight – after having already live-tweeted Casino Royale (2006) with My Dear Friend Sarah, with sleep nowhere in sight – I’m going to attempt to watch Moonraker for the first time, after having read it for the first time.

Oh man – I remember insomnia!  Back when I could stay up until three in the morning doing stupid shit like watching movies and TV all night!  My eyes start drooping at eleven now.  Thanks, job for which I must wake up at 5:30 every morning Monday through Friday!  My sleep patterns appreciate it (but my non-work productivity has suffered).

And I’m going to warn you, guys – I’ve never watched an entire Roger Moore-James Bond movie all the way through.  Ever.  I think For Your Eyes Only was on BBCAmerica one day, and I attempted to watch it, but fell asleep half an hour in.  PS, it was on at 2 in the afternoon.

So essentially … this is gonna be a scene.

james-bond-Moonraker

Also?  No thanks to My Dear Friend Bryan, who also happens to be the FPC Resident Bond Scholar (because I don’t really talk to the Brunswick High School Resident Bond Scholar anymore), I am already aware that apparently the movie is nothing like the book.  Thanks, Bryan, you ruiner.  So Dear Readers, prepare for a lot of “I *WOULD* be screaming in outrage right now, but Bryan Ruined It” jokes.

(j/k Bryan you and me we’re still cool)

Okay.  Hitting play now.  May God have mercy on my soul.

[PS – because my home entertainment setup sucks (through no one’s fault but my own), I am watching this movie on my laptop while typing on my netbook in my office.  Baby needs a Blu-Ray player with Streaming capabilities.]

[Oh yeah, and also the screen on my laptop died years ago so I have to use a monitor. Because I am ~special~ when it comes to technology.]

Actually, as stated above, I’m watching the movie on my TV with the DVD remote that doesn’t work.  So remember – there will not be any pausing or rewinding during this session.  But at least I’ll have the mute button for when the theme song comes around.

Oh Jesus – I think the worst thing about having a TV where the remote doesn’t work on DVDs is that I can’t hit ‘Menu’ when the DVD first starts.  I cannot tell you how many previews of stupid movies I’ve had to sit through just to get to the part where I can push the only button that works.

Because as much as I love Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and the amazing Goldfinger, I do not care (much) about the Ultimate James Bond DVD Collection with Extra-Special Behind-the-Scenes Footage.  Just – just shut up about it and let me watch this horrible, horrible movie.

I also realized that I’ve never explained in this blog about my connection with James Bond.  Basically, I love the character and earlier Sean Connery films.  Words cannot describe the love I have for Skyfall and Daniel Craig, so I will simply gloss over them now.  (Oh, how I would love to simply gloss over Daniel Craig’s abs with – holy shit Alaina your mother sometimes reads this maybe shut up about that)  ANYWAY (DRINK).  I talk a big game when it comes to James Bond and the Bond canon, but if you re-read these entries from That’s What She Read, you’ll learn that I’m nothing but a big faker.  So I do want to reiterate that it is a big deal that this is the first Roger Moore Bond movie I’ve ever seen – hence, the Movies Alaina’s Never Seen treatment.

Okay, the previews have ended – now I’m hitting the Play button.

Holy shit, Roger Moore, you are rocking those bellbottoms and stacked heels.  #not. 

(Sorry.  Forgot I wasn’t on Twitter anymore.) 

(But apparently I thought a Borat joke was appropriate?  But seriously, Roger Moore, your outfit is terrible.  Oh shit, this takes place in the seventies and everyone dressed like that; this is going to hurt my eyes even more than normal, huh?)

Sidenote: I’m a little glad that the Daniel Craig movies have gotten away from the whole “walk on-screen then shoot someone” bullet-hole thing.  It feels so dated now.

A plane carries the Moonraker shuttle on its back like a mother gorilla carries her baby.  Two blokes that look like they should be background players in a London production of West Side Story sneak into the Moonraker shuttle, hijack it, take-off off the back of the plane, and then the plane blows up.

M answers his special red phone and learns about the Moonraker.  He actually gets up from behind his desk and crosses to the special padded door to ask Moneypenny about Bond.  (It’s that important.)  WHOA, Moneypenny!  Darlin’, I hate to say it, but you did *not* age well!  What happened to the pretty young thing who was telling Bond that the only gold she cared about was the kind you wear on your finger, you know, third finger on your left hand?  Anyway, M asks if 007 is back from the last job, and Moneypenny answers that he’s on his last leg, sir.

SMASHCUT TO: Bond’s hand trailing up the toned thigh of a woman in a short skirt.  Oh Jesus Christ, why am I not drinking for this?  Be right back.

Thank God I’ve seen this part already – Future!Alaina will also be right back.

Ahh.  That’s better.  Vodka will make this better.  Future!Alaina’s choice of drink is wine, for those playing along.  Anyway, Bond’s busy making out with some dame, and then the dame pulls out a gun and she and the pilot sabotage the plane so no one can fly it, and then they all jump out of the plane, except Bond doesn’t have a parachute, and also Jaws was there?  The henchman, not the shark.  Although that would be awesome. [Note to self: find out when Jaws came out and if it predates Moonraker.]

Hahahaha I love that I had to write myself a note.  And that I still haven’t figured that out.  Also, Jaws came out in 1975, and Moonraker came out in 1979.  THERE HAD BETTER BE A SHARK IN THIS MOVIE.

Bond puts his hands on his ass to steer himself to the pilot who has the Magical Parachute, and then manages to wrestle the parachute off the guy while they’re both freefall-skydiving.  I’d like to call shenanigans, but I’ve never been skydiving and never will, so I don’t know how plausible all these physics are.

So Bond’s got the parachute on, and now here comes Jaws after him.  Jaws is about to bite Bond’s Achilles tendon when Bond opens his parachute, thus escaping Jaws’s … well, jaws.  Jaws, meanwhile, tries to deploy his own chute, which doesn’t work, leaving him to plummet to his death, falling into the local circus.  Again, I’d like to call tentative shenanigans, but I’m not sure of the science.

Title sequence! 

… … what … what the shit is this.  What is this shit.  There are silhouettes of naked women somersaulting, and flying through skies like Superman, and there’s also some random woman who shows up and smiles beatifically and you ain’t no Mona Lisa, lady, I mean what the everloving fuck is this?? and there are disco balls that women are sitting on, and Shirley Bassey, you know I love you for “Goldfinger,” but I hope you didn’t write this, and Maurice Bender?  You’re the one responsible for this credits sequence?  I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.

When the atrocity is over, Bond’s in M’s office talking with Q and the Minister of Defense.  In this universe, the Moonraker is a space shuttle on loan from America, manufactured by Drax Industries.  Well, if there were ever a thing on which to call “bullshit,” this is it.  Why would America loan Britain a space shuttle in the 1970s?  Was Britain hoping to time-travel back to the eighteenth century and the last time they were a global superpower?  Bond gets a gleam in his eye thinking about all the California Gurls he’s going to mack on.

Q is showing Bond some video surveillance of the crash site, and it’s noted as “most secret.”  I’m not sure if that’s how Britons clarify ‘top secret.’  Actually, what I’d like to believe is that it means that it’s only ‘mostly secret.’

Q gives Bond a wrist-controlled dart gun.  Because real spies don’t use real guns, apparently.  *drinks*  Someone had better get shot in the neck with a dart, or else I’m going to find a table and flip it.

Goddammit – I just spent like, five minutes trying to find the quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail about the guy who was only mostly dead, trying to link it to that ‘mostly secret’ joke I made up there, but then I remembered that ‘mostly dead’ was from The Princess Bride, not Holy Grail.  Goddammit, I’m a failure.

When Bond lands in California, a helicopter picks him up to take him to Drax Industries.  Bond loves the Drax pilot because apparently the uniform doesn’t require a bra or buttons on her shirt.  Seriously, if she stands up too quickly she’s going to make this movie get a PG-13 rating.

She classifies herself as, I shit you not, ‘merely a humble pilot in the employ of Drax.’  A humble pilot?  Honey, may I say: with that rack and its lack of support, you ain’t got nothin’ to be humble about.  But seriously, who actually calls themselves a humble whatever?  The last one who did to my knowledge was Peter O’Toole in How to Steal a Million, where he lied about being a humble burglar.  (seriously, everyone should track down that movie and watch it, it’s one of my favorites.)

The Drax estate is an exact replica of Versailles.  There’s a joke in here about the documentary “The Queen of Versailles” in here, but this movie is beneath it.  The Bond Canon has upgraded Goldfinger’s Female Pilots to Drax’s Female Astronauts instead, and they’re all Jazzercising on the main lawn.  Bond says that Drax has an eye for a good investment, but his eye is down the pilot’s non-existent shirt.

Oh Jesus Christ, this is where Holly Goodhead comes in.  Bond and Drax have a pissing match over afternoon tea – I’d like to point out that the guy playing Drax resembles – and this is going to be the worst thing I’ve ever said, and I apologize in advance to the person I’m comparing Drax to, but to my knowledge, there’s no other way to say this – a taller Peter Dinklage – and then Drax sends Bond to meet Dr. Goodhead.  On the way out, Drax tells a henchman to make sure that some harm comes to Bond. 

PS – Drax is nowhere near as awesome as Peter Dinklage.  He is, was, and always will be, the Man.

Bond meets Goodhead and she gives everyone the Second Grade Tour of NASA.  Wait, I missed this the first time – Goodhead actually shows Bond the Moonraker.  Oh dammit, that’s not a euphemism.  But wait – I thought Bond was in California because he was looking for the Moonraker?  If it’s there, then why is he here? 

Dr. Goodhead manages to get Bond into the centrifuge, because of course she does. 

I’ve already seen this part, so I’m going to take a Candy Crush time-out and sing Monty Python’s “Knights of the Round Table,” because it’s stuck in my head now.  And because I like sharing earworms: “and impersonate Clark Gable.”  You’re welcome.

Just then Drax’s minion comes in and messes with the thing, making Bond take almost 10Gs worth of pressure.  Dude, Minion: when Drax said “see Bond comes to some harm,” I guess I didn’t realize that was code for “kill the spare”?

Bond breaks the centrifuge with Chekhov’s Dart Gun and then later that night he seduces the Braless Pilot into giving him some information. 

When he seduces her, she says that her mother gave her a list of rules to follow for a first date.  When his seduction proves successful, he asks about that list of her mother’s, and her response is that she “never learned to read.”  What??  The worst part about this movie (so far!) is that I believe that to be a true fact.  So welcome, Illiterate Braless Pilot, to the fold of Women Bond Sleeps With Then Dies.

When the Braless Pilot is asleep, Bond searches her desk and then breaks into her safe while she watches and does nothing. He takes photos of secret plans with his personalized mini-camera, and that just seems stupid.  Illiterate Braless Pilot responds to Bond’s compliment about her heart of gold that it’s actually only 18-carat.  Dear All Women: learn to take a compliment, even if it’s from an asshat named James Bond.

And right after they kiss goodnight and Bond tells her to take care of herself, Drax’s Minion … does nothing and Drax is pheasant hunting on the grounds of Versailles?  That is not how I expected that scene to go. 

There were multiple jokes to be made — some involving Dick Cheney, some involving the sport of Hunting Man — but I’m too tired to figure it out right now.

Here’s what happened – Drax gives Bond a gun while pheasant hunting, and Bond shoots into the trees and Drax thinks he missed the pheasant, which is a true thing, but he actually ended up shooting Drax’s sniper.  Hence the hunting man joke that fell without this explanation.

Uh, sorry folks.  We’re getting a severe thunderstorm up in these parts, so I think I had better shut the technology down for the night so as to avoid power surges.  The scene I saw just now was the Braless Pilot being terminated for showing Bond Drax’s study, and by “terminated,” I mean “chased into the woods by Dobermans that have developed a taste for human blood.”

This whole scene is almost lyrical, in a way – woman running through a verdant forest, being chased by dogs; until the lead dog tackles her and you hear her flesh rip.

Well, I’m going to save this entry as a Word Doc, and hopefully I’ll be able to finish this tomorrow night after work.  Otherwise, this will be a Part 1, and we’ll wait for the DVD to arrive in the mail for Part 2.

And here is where the Notes from the Future end, because I’ve just caught up.  Switching to regular type in three, two …

All of a sudden Bond’s in Venice?  What the fuck?  Does MI-6 own a tesseract or something?

He has a business card for Venici Glass or something – oh, Venini Glass.  Thanks, close-up of aforementioned business card!  Bond joins a tour group of people looking at glass shit, but doesn’t stay for the bong room.  He just keeps missing all sorts of opportunities.

Now he’s trailing a woman in a gold lamé dress.  I wish I didn’t have to add the aigu to that word.  But anyway, the woman turns out to be Dr. Goodhead.  With her hair down, you can barely recognize her!  Aaaaand there’s a joke in there that my three sips of wine have made me too drunk to make.

Bond floats along in a gondola built for one, and all this is making me want to watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade *really* badly.

WHAT??  Okay, so, Bond’s floating along in this gondola and passes a funeral gondola.  And from out of the gondola coffin comes A VAMPIRE??  No, sadly – just an assassin, because this is a Roger Moore Bond Joint, and not a good Bond movie.  Anyway, the Vampsassin just starts throwing knives at Bond’s gondola, and my question isn’t about the ludicrousness of an assassin hiding in a gondola coffin, it’s about HOW DID THE ASSASSIN KNOW BOND WAS GOING TO PASS AT JUST THAT MOMENT?  Like, how many times did the boat have to go around the block until Bond showed up?

AND THEN BOND TURNS THE GONDOLA INTO A CAR AND JUST FUCKING DRIVES IT INTO THE FAMOUS CATHEDRAL SQUARE (whose name escapes me at the moment, it’ll come back to me), and all the tourists are like, what the fuck?  And even a fucking PIGEON has a bemused facial expression, but then the fucking editors MADE THE PIGEON DO A DOUBLE-TAKE.  LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE.

I’m out.  Or, I would be, if I weren’t … not invested, but determined?  Like, now I just want to see how far the trainwreck will go.

It’s Saint Mark’s Basilica!  There.  I knew it would come to me.

Bond sneaks into a secret lab, and I don’t care what happens, but I’m calling this guy Krieger.  It looks like he’d be making all sorts of Piglys.  Y’know, if he wasn’t busy helping Other Barry get off the space station.

When Kreiger leaves the lab, Bond sneaks in even further and finds some  magical water or something in a container.  He doesn’t drink it, but he smuggles it out of there.  I’m surprised no one saw him crouch behind that counter, what with his fucking bell-bottoms flapping in the wind.

Oh great – because of Bond’s shitty helping, he’s suffocated the scientists with nerve gas or something.  Good job, Bond.  Also, when you sneak into places, maybe keep your cleavage inside your jumpsuit, okay?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A FUCKING NINJA??

A FUCKING NINJA JUST CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE

AND NOW THEY’RE RUNNING THROUGH THE — this is now a broken glass factory.  I want Sterling Archer to come in here right now and ask, “what is this, a broken glass factory?”  BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS.

And now Bond has found a sword from fucking somewhere and has brought a sword to a ninja fight, and the broken glass business is really picking up. 

HAY YOU GUYZ I FOUND THE ARK OF THE COVENANT it’s in the attic of the broken glass factory!

Here’s what I want everyone to do.  HOMEWORK, PEOPLE!  I want everyone to go out and find the ninja fight Bond has in the broken glass factory.  Then I want everyone to go out and find the fight scene Bond has in the glass skyscraper in Skyfall.  If you can’t tell the difference, then you must be blind.  I’ll get you a seeing-eye dog for Christmas.

Bond somehow gets rid of the ninja and figures out which hotel Dr. Goodhead is staying in.  He starts playing with her toys – poison pen, flamethrower cologne, you know, the usual – and realizes that Dr. Goodhead is actually CIA.  What gave that away, dumbass?  And then they sleep together.

The next day, Bond brings M – WAIT, M GOT OUT OF HIS OFFICE??  Anyway, M and the defense secretary show up at the broken glass factory and there’s no factory – just a replica of Drax’s Versailles mansion, and Drax himself.

The Defense Secretary has never been so embarrassed in his entire life, apparently, when Bond’s tip results in a dead end.  Clearly, the Defense Secretary has never been to Brazil.

Speaking of Brazil, that’s where Bond is headed next.  Followed by Jaws the Henchman, who did not die when he crashed into that circus.

Bond is followed by a girl with a camera, and that was lifted almost exactly from Dr. No.  The difference here is that apparently this Camera!Girl is an ally, who is going to show Bond the back entrance to one of Drax’s headquarters.  That statement was not supposed to be a euphemism.  The downside is that they have to wait five hours until they can sneak in.

So after having sex with Bond for five hours (and if this was a Daniel Craig!Bond I’d be high-fiving that woman in the streets; here I want to take a Silkwood shower), she takes him to another broken glass factory, through the Carnival.  Bond is wearing a tuxedo, and I was going to ask why he’s wearing a tuxedo to Carnival, but then I remembered that it’s after 6 o’clock and Bond is not a farmer.

While Bond is in the factory, Jaws sneaks up on Camera!Girl.  And by “sneaks up,” I mean “wears a giant, creepy clown costume and then tries to bite her head off.”  Luckily Bond arrives just in time to knock him into a conga line.  That’s one way of escaping your enemies, I guess.  Bond sends Camera!Girl off for a nap – which, not gonna lie, is starting to sound good for me – and then the next morning, Bond goes up to Christmas Mountain?  Oh shit, what’s the name of that mountain that Christ the Redeemer is on?  Shit, I used to know this stuff.

Anyway, Bond runs into Dr. Goodhead and there’s more flirty banter, and then they decide to take one of the gondolas up to the top of the mountain, and that is one of the worst decisions I’ve ever seen in any movie.  Because then Jaws stops the gondola and bites through the wire as Goodhead and Bond are climbing out of the stopped gondola, and I take it back, that is the worst decision.

So now there’s going to be a gondola fight between Bond and Jaws.  Great.  This is … so stupid, I can’t even with this.

BRB, drinking and playing Candy Crush.

Okay, so, Bond’s brilliant idea is to lock Jaws in a gondola, zip-line himself and Goodhead down the wire, and then wait for Jaws to follow them?  Why can’t Jaws just eat through the bars?

EAT BARS, EAT BARS!  And now I want to watch The Great Muppet Caper very badly.

Bond and Goodhead manage to jump to safety, I mean, what the fuck, I can’t even, and Jaws also survives the fall and falls in love with a pigtailed nerd with a giant rack.  Bond and Goodhead make out a bit, and then get captured.

Okay, here’s what I want you to do.  Divide yourselves into two groups.  One of you watches the Bond movies chronologically, starting with Dr. No.  The other watches Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Each of you drink when, depending on your group, Bond or Giles gets knocked unconscious.  First one to blackout wins!

Bond and Goodhead escape from the ambulance – or maybe just Bond escapes, leaving Goodhead behind, because the next scene is Bond and two other guys riding horses through the pampas, wearing serapes.  I know it’s a serape and not a poncho because the arms are open at the side, and I’d also like to say it’s a rather snappy serape, and now I want to watch The Three Caballeros.

Apparently MI-6 has a compound on the pampas, because he goes into this mansion and Moneypenny’s manning a desk.  I CALL SHENANIGANS.  Q shows off exploding bolos and there’s a machine gun possibly hiding in someone’s vagina, I don’t even know what was going on, I was too busy singing about snappy serapes.

Apparently Bond is going to the Amazon to look for a rare orchid.  OH WHATEVER.  Q says he has just the thing to get Bond up to the Amazon, and all I can think of is, IS IT AN AIRBOAT??  Because that would really kick this movie up a notch.

It’s not an airboat.  It’s just a regular motorboat.  What the fuck, Q, that is just super lame.  Oh, it’s a boat with weapons and gadgets and things.  My bad.  IT’S NOT AN AIRBOAT SO FUCK YOU.

AND JAWS IS BACK AND I’M STILL NOT TALKING ABOUT A SHARK.

Does no one notice that those guys blow up in a place where that rocket couldn’t possibly have hit?  The rocket hits the back of the boat, but it’s the people on the boat that blow up, not the back of the boat?  Shenanigans, people!

Oh look, here’s a waterfall.

waterfall

Bond brings it on by strapping into a parasail.  LAME.  He’s supposed to go over the waterfall and escape that, not fly like a giant, conspicuous butterfly into a forest that I’d like to point out is CLEARLY NOT THE AMAZON.

Roger Moore is wearing the shirt Barney Stinson wears to go to that club in season one.

2013-11-10 00.41.271x05-Okay-Awesome-barney-and-ted-27029168-1024-768

Also, there’s a woman wandering around the Amazon.  WHATEVER, as you were, Braless Mute Orchid Worshipper.

Holy shit, Bond ended up in Dingo’s Castle.  They mistakenly lit the Orchid Beacon, leading Bond to the wrong castle.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE’S A SNAKE IN MOONRAKER

A BIG FUCKING SNAKE JUST SHOWED UP TO THE PARTY

MOTHERFUCKING SONS OF BITCHES WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE FUCKING SNAKES

I am now writing this with a blanket over my head.  I seriously just bitched about this in real-life: people need to warn me when snakes are in movies.  Now, before I get into this and have people feel guilty, Dear Sarah: I’m 99% sure you tweeted about Polly the Python over there back when you watched Moonraker and it completely slipped my mind, so I’m not really mad at anyone in particular at this juncture – just me and my shoddy memory, and also, for the makers of this movie for not utilizing a perfect opportunity for a shark fight.

Okay, it sounds like Bond managed to kill a python with his bare hands – whatever – and Drax and Jaws have both shown up again.  I feel that Bond should look at Jaws and say, “how many times do I have to kill you, boy?”

Jaws brings Bond to the dungeon, which – oh.  It’s actually the exhaust hole for the Moonraker shuttle.  Goodhead’s there!  As Bond embraces her, he says “Thank God you’re safe.”  LIKE YOU CARED BEFORE, ASSHOLE.

Okay, this actually brings us to the similarities between this movie and the book.  In the book, Bond and Not!Goodhead escape the Moonraker exhaust by hiding in the air vents, although they get horribly, horribly steamed.  Also, the female scientist working for Drax (here, Goodhead) is actually a secret agent, although in the book she’s MI-5, not CIA.

There are also no snakes in the book.

The workers at Drax’s Underground Mine Factory look like Doozers or whatever they were from Fraggle Rock

Anyway, Goodhead and Bond manage to sneak aboard the Moonraker shuttle because they’re astronauts now.  Dudes, I just saw Gravity, and I can’t even with this.  No helmets, no real spacesuits, Bond’s not throwing up like a pansy –

Oh shit – Drax is hoping to repopulate a new world?  The shuttle is full of young, horny porn stars.  Seriously, I’m not making this up.

Don’t say ‘Convergence’ to me in relation to space shit – I just saw Thor 2 and that was a major plot point. 

PS – no snakes in Thor 2.

HOLY SHIT IT’S MEGA MAID

Oh.  Apparently it’s a space station of some sort, but seriously, y’all, it looked like Mega Maid for an instant.  Also, it’s apparently a vampire structure, because radar isn’t picking it up.

Goodhead: “Drax must have a radar jamming station.”
Alaina: ENDLESS LAUGHTER AT BEING JAMMED.  Is it raspberry?

Oh god – I’m an Asshole.  And now I really need to watch Spaceballs.

Everyone disembarks from the various shuttles, and I can only imagine that this is how the humans escaped Earth in Wall-E.

Okay, next comparison: Drax is a Nazi.  He is bent on creating a superhuman race of perfect human bodies.  This whole thing is so stupid, and sadly, I’m out of wine.

Goodhead and Bond break the jamming station, and I’m thoroughly disappointed because there isn’t a lick of raspberry jam to be found. 

Jaws finds Goodhead and Bond and brings them to meet Drax in Command Central.  In addition to creating their new perfect race, he’s going to use the nerve gas found in Venice to kill all the humans left on Earth.  Great.  Fucking … I can’t even with this right now.

Oh shit son – Jaws is turning on his master!  The love of his pigtailed nerd has changed his mind! 

THAT’S — THAT’S NOT HOW A SHUTTLE WORKS, GUYS.  You can’t just hit “Emergency Brake” and – oh, the “stop” stops the rotation of the station, not its orbit.  Okay.  Just checking.  Carry on with your zero-gravity and such.

OH MY GOD.  THEY’RE SHOOTING LASERS IN SPACE.  SPACE IS BLOWING UP TO THE SOUNDS OF PEW-PEW-PEW.

KILL ME NOW.

Y’know, I don’t think I’ve been more thankful for Daniel Craig’s version of James Bond in all my life.  And someday, I will write an essay describing all the ways in which Daniel Craig’s James Bond is superior to yes, even Sean Connery’s Bond, but it’s after one and I haven’t been up this late in a while, so that essay will have to wait.

Anyway, the American cavalry comes and tries to stop Drax, or maybe they stop Drax, I’m not sure.  Jaws keeps beating people up, and Bond and Goodhead join forces with the American astronauts and the space station turns into the worst-acted massacre I’ve ever seen.

And then Bond kills Drax not just with Chekov’s Dart Gun – he’s still wearing that thing? – and then pushes him out of the airlock.

Bond tells the astronauts to retreat, and since when is James Bond in charge of NASA?

Goodhead and Bond run to Drax’s Moonraker shuttle to try and destroy the nerve gas globes they shot at Earth.  Meanwhile, Jaws searches for his lady love, who survived the massacre!  Except that the space station is going to blow up, I think – whatever.  What the fuck, they found a bottle of champagne amongst all those dead bodies?  I wouldn’t want to drink dead people champagne!

Jaws helps Bond and Goodhead escape, and I think that that’s how Gravity actually started.  And here’s the part where I start yelling about debris from Drax’s Sex Space Station blowing up killing George Clooney, but I’m really tired, you guys.

Bond and Goodhead manage to blow up all the nerve gas canisters and then NASA wants to have video confirmation of Bond and Goodhead to make sure they’re alive.  Except they’ve managed to find the only bedsheet available on the Moonraker shuttle and have strategically draped it across their bottom halves so they can have celebratory sex in space.

Jesus CHRIST, they couldn’t have waited until they landed??? 

Thank GOD, this movie is over.  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin, this was bad.  BAD, you guys.  So bad, I can’t even think of a pithy way to end this.

So, uh, hey – if you want to watch a Bond movie, watch Casino Royale (2006), not Moonraker.  There.  I said it.  Now carry on with your insomniac lives; I’m gonna go to bed.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on November 10, 2013 in That's What She Read

 

One response to “That’s What She Read Tie-In: “Moonraker”

  1. Knackered Dad

    October 24, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    Nicely done. As a Bond fan, comparing Moonraker to Casino Royale is like comparing an apple to a brick wall. Both have their own uses. I like both equally.

     

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