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Regrets & Bad Decisions: “One For the Money”

26 May

Tonight is May 25th.  Apparently, 35 years ago today, Star Wars premiered, making this day in history known forever as “Geek Pride Day.”  Also apparently, when you add up the numbers in today’s date (5 + 25 + 12) you get 42, which is the meaning of life, which means it’s also Towel Day (don’t panic!).

But in my life, today will always be known as the day I made my friends cry.

Jess N. wanted to go see Newsies: The Musical. And everyone started texting each other about Newsies: The Movie.  And then this happened:

Sarah: I daresay all of us involved in this conversation love Newsies.
Emily: ALMOST all.
Alaina: I’ve never seen Newsies.
Sarah: And further — wait.  Alaina … what?
Alaina: I’ve … never seen Newsies.  *tosses phone like a grenade and runs away*
Jessica: That’s a criminal offense with this crowd.
Sarah: Dude! Christian Bale!
Alaina: Christian Bale’s in Newsies?
Sarah: *shakes head* Other people’s kids.  YES.
Alaina: FINE.  I’ll add it to my list.  Just be prepared I’m probably going to make fun of it rather than fall instantly in love with it.

So yeah — at some point, I’ll watch Newsies.  Because yes, I’ve updated my list to include it.  But I’m not watching it tonight.

Here’s what’s on the docket:  I’ve got the apartment to myself this weekend, which means I could knock off a couple of movies on the TiVo in another round of Insomniac Theatre, but a) of all, it’s 9:41 p.m., and b) of all, all I’ve got are dramas, and I’m more in the mood to make fun of shit tonight.  (As evidenced by me making my friends’s heads explode via text message.)

Hey, Friend in the Army: is that a thing?  Making someone’s head explode via text message?  That seems like it’d be a cool weapon.  Let’s get Tony Stark on it.

Oh, and (obliquely) speaking of Tony Stark: so online, there’s this thing going around about Avengers-Inspired Cocktails, and I realized that I have everything required to make the Agent Coulson (COULSON!):

So clearly, I needed something to drink to that would be awful.  Like, if I was going to watch something like Death of a Ghost Hunter again; that awful.  And while our TiVo list is up to 78% capacity, with such classics as The V.I.P.s (with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton), The Stunt Man (with drop-dead gorgeous Peter O’Toole) and A Streetcar Named Desire (with Vivien Leigh and Marlon Brando) on that list, those are not movies which one should become drunk while watching.

The other half of the story: a month ago, I had reserved a couple of movies on Redbox.  But I accidentally reserved them at the wrong Hannaford.  And since Redbox can’t cancel online reservations yet (whaaaaat?), I got two promo codes for free movies to make up for the charges.  And so tonight, I went to Hannaford to redeem them.

And this is what I found:

And here’s the story behind this:

I love the Stephanie Plum novels.  Love them.  I’ve read almost all of them, I love her, I love Ranger, I love Joe Morelli.  Mmm… Joe Morelli.  Can I have a Joe Morelli?  Please?  Because that would be awesome. 

Anyway.  Love the books.  But I hate Katherine Heigl.  Hate.  Haaaaaaaaate.  I don’t think I have the words appropriate enough to describe how much I hate her.  I would compare it to the classic Mrs. White speech from Clue, and compare my hatred of Katherine Heigl to Mrs. White’s hatred of Yvette, hated her so, much, with flames — on the side of my face –, but that would be insulting to Mrs. White and that scene.  She’s just … awful.

And she ruins everything.  Like, she ruined Grey’s Anatomy with her stupid ghost sex, she’s a bitch, she ruined Knocked Up because she’s a bitch, and I know — I just know — she’s going to ruin this.

But then, they cast Jason O’Mara as Morelli.  And I love Jason O’Mara, and when I read that they cast him for Morelli, I was like, “That makes perfect sense.”  It was like I had a picture of Morelli in my head, and I didn’t really have a person to attribute it to, but once someone said “Jason O’Mara will be playing Joe Morelli,” I went, “Of course!”  Plus, Jason O’Mara’s really hot.  I almost miss Life on Mars.

But … Katherine Heigl.  She ruins everything.  EVERYTHING!  That was my catchphrase for a while! 

So while I’ve always wanted to see a movie version of One For the Money (and for a while was imagining Reese Witherspoon gone brunette to play Stephanie), once Katherine Heigl was attached, I decided that I wasn’t going to spend a cent on it.  Even when my mother said that she wanted to see it; I refused. 

But now that I have the option to see it for free, and to truly see how bad it ended up?  Yeah sure, why not.  Hence, tonight’s entry into what is another long list I could type up at some point: Things Alaina Reads/Watches So You Don’t Have To.  I consider it charity, to be honest.

Shit.  I should actually start this movie; otherwise, I’m either never going to watch it, or it is going to be an entry in Insomniac Theatre.

OH SHIT ANCHORMAN’S ON TBS there goes that plan.

Forty minutes later …
Okay, now that Brick has killed a guy with a trident and Ron has told the San Diegoites — San Diegoans?  San Diegons?  San Diego-uns — to go fuck themselves, I can push play. 

And we’ve started with a stupid opening sequence, like Stephanie Plum is supposed to be the girl James Bond.  I’m sorry, the girl James Bond is Lisbeth Salander in last year’s Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  Did you see that opening sequence?!  Also-also, the music under this shittastic thing samples Bitter:Sweet’s “The Mating Game,” which I believe was used in Grey’s Anatomy.

Oh god … the bad Jersey accent.  Holy shit, my ears.  And I’m sorry, I always pictured Grandma Mazur as more of a Sophia from Golden Girls than Debbie Reynolds.  I always saw Grandma Mazur as being more … frail.  Which is why it’s hilarious when she shoots the turkey — she needs to have more trouble lifting the gun.

I also pictured Big Blue as … bigger and rounder.  And I get why they had to tame down Vinny’s sexual proclivities, but … making out with Stephanie at her wedding and liking dominatrices just doesn’t have the same ring as … was it a goat or a duck?  I remember it was a barnyard animal of some sort …

Oh my god, there is absolutely no chemistry between Heigl and O’Mara.  I mean, zippo.  Don’t get me wrong, O’Mara’s trying, but my god … it’s like trying to make eyes at a … I don’t know … at a thing that has absolutely no redeeming value.

How the hell does this Stephanie Plum get so damn professional at this bounty hunter stuff so quickly?  This is the stupidest … goddamn.  I am so glad I didn’t pay a dime for this.

This is not funny.  Not in the least.  Whoever wrote this — and I firmly believe that it was Katherine Heigl, because it makes sense in my head — took all the humor out of the book and — WHAT THE FUCK Grandma Mazur just shot the turkey with Stephanie’s gun, and NO ONE REACTED?! 

Is that naked guy the same guy the doctor gave a rectal exam to in The Hangover?  Yes, that is what I think about when THIS MOVIE SUCKS.  Jesus, if I wasn’t such a masochist I’d stop watching this movie and put Anchorman back on.  I mean, seriously, LULA’S NOT FUNNY IN THIS MOVIE.  HOW DID SOMEONE TAKE THE FUNNY OUT OF LULA?!

Oh… she’s taking a shower.  I’m jealous.  All I want to do is take a nice, hot, steamy shower, but I CAN’T, because apparently my shower is LEAKING into my downstair’s neighbor’s closet, or whatever.  So tomorrow, before I go to work, I have to go to the gym to take a freaking shower.  BECAUSE GOD HATES ME, THAT’S WHY.

Meanwhile, I think I figured out what happened with this movie.  It’s like they’re trying so hard to be a dark, mystery thriller with some patches of sarcastic, Jersey-esque one-liner humor, that they forgot that parts of the book are actually laugh-out-loud funny.  Unfortunately, my sister has the family copy of One For the Money; otherwise, I’d be quoting my favorite parts to prove to y’all that you gotta read the book because the book is OH MY GOD SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

Hold up — why haven’t I been drinking?!  Agent Coulson!

And all of a sudden she’s going to the range and being a cracker-jack shot?  I CALL SHENANIGANS. 

Okay, I gotta go check something on Wikipedia.  Because Morelli just made Stephanie an omelet, and then offered to band together to draw out Benito Ramirez by pretty much using Stephanie as bait.  And I’m 99% sure that that NEVER HAPPENED.  Er, the bait part.  I’m sure he did make her an omelet. 

Um, hold on one more second: before I go check this Wikipedia thing, can I please have a shirtless Jason O’Mara deliver me coffee in bed?  Please?  (Christ, I could do laundry on his abs.  I … I could do a lot of things on his … okay moving on!)

Jesus, they didn’t even make a big deal of Morelli’s truck blowing up!  The fuck is wrong with this movie?

Okay, I can’t find what I’m looking for.  But I guarantee that there is no way Morelli would EVER use Stephanie Plum as bait, regardless of where their relationship is.

Wow.  What … what the hell was I thinking, all those hours ago when I picked this up from Redbox?  Why did I think it would be fun for me to make fun of it?  I mean, look, I didn’t like Death of a Ghost Hunter, but I had tons of fun making fun of it!  I thought this would be the same, but —

Oh wait.  I know.

DAMN YOU, KATHERINE HEIGL!  YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.  YOU EVEN RUIN PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF YOU.

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Posted by on May 26, 2012 in Regrets & Bad Decisions

 

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