On another, more private blog, I used to write commentaries on the Oscar ceremonies. Nowadays, I believe the term would be ‘live-blogging,’ but honestly, this is just a string of time-stamped comments I make about what I see on-screen. Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not; but this is what happens in the moment when I watch the Oscars. It’s tradition; now it’s tradition here.
Read it, don’t read it; the decision is entirely up to you. I only leave you with this: ARGO FUCK YOURSELF. \o/
It’s 8:21 and I am awaiting tonight’s ceremony with what can only be described as dread. I can only stand Family Guy about half the time; I’m not sure I could stand him for what is most likely going to be four hours of hell. Good thing I didn’t kill myself doing the Oscar!Watch this year, huh?
8:30: All right, this is going to — wow, he, just goes right into the monologue? Seriously, no big number? Actually, that’s a point in your favor.
—– Hey, Robert Downey Jr!
8:31: WAIT. TONIGHT’S THEME IS A CELEBRATION OF MUSIC? AND THERE ARE SURPRISES? DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT THAT’S WHAT MAKES THE SHOW DRAG!?!
—– Also, Seth MacFarlane: did you just utter Ron Jeremy’s name in your monologue? Not sure if that’s a sign of uphill or downhill movement on your part.
8:34: And here’s the moment where Seth starts to realize that this is not his crowd.
8:35: At least Seth is sort of aware that he’s way too controversial for this.
8:37: HOLY SHIT CAPTAIN KIRK JUST BEAMED DOWN AND IS SHUTTING SETH UP BECAUSE, RIGHTLY, THE MONOLOGUE IS A DISASTER! Best Oscar Moment Ever? LET’S FIND OUT.
8:38: … This is almost too meta for me.
8:39: And nine minutes in. That’s a new record for me to hit the mute button. And actually, this is a PERFECT opportunity for me to bitch about why I am so ambivalent about Seth MacFarlane, Family Guy, and everything else. You know what would have made this “We Saw Your Boobs” joke slightly better for me? YOU ONLY NEED ONE CHORUS FOR THE PUNCHLINE. You really don’t need to list off every damn tit you’ve seen in the past forever. When the chorus of dudes came out and backed Seth up, I was all, MUTE BUTTON. Because you’re going to keep singing about boobs, and the JOKE. IS. OVER. MOVE ALONG.
8:42: Here’s my favorite part of this so far. In the Camera Three shot, you can clearly see Gary Busey laughing his head off, and Helen Hunt and Samuel L. Jackson are in the front row, and neither of them are amused. It looks like Helen hasn’t smiled since she was forced to on Mad About You.
8:44: It’s too bad that Seth can be such a dick sometimes. He has a very nice voice. And DAMN! Who knew that Rita from Arrested Development could dance!?
8:45: Actually, I would have totally watched Flight done with sock puppets. Honestly, there are TONS of movies I’d watch if it was redone with sock puppets. HEY – THAT’S HOW I’D WATCH SHAWSHANK.
—– See? Even Helen Hunt’s laughing at the sock puppets!
8:47: Harry Potter’s so short! Poor kid.
8:50: WHERE THE FUCK IS DANIEL CRAIG, I’M BORED.
8:52: Holy shit, that was quick. BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. My guess it goes to either De Niro or Tommy Lee Jones. (Although I love the idea of Alan Arkin winning. ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!)
8:55: WHOA, SERIOUSLY? Christoph Waltz won that out from under De Niro! I don’t think ANYONE was expecting that!
—– I’m … strangely okay with it? Because I love hearing his voice? But I was shocked.
9:01: Melissa McCarthy, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!
9:02: I have watched a ton of Oscar ceremonies. This is the first one that I absolutely hate.
9:03: BEST ANIMATED SHORT goes to “Paperman.” Yay! I totally teared up when I saw it in at Wreck-It Ralph.
9:05: BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: Give it to Wreck-It Ralph! Aww … I mean, WAIT DUDE’S WEARING A KILT A *DUDE* WORE A *KILT* TO THE OSCARS DUDE IS HARDCORE
—– Anyway, what I was saying was, I swear they should just name it the Pixar Awards. And I don’t even want to get into the whole frouferah about the different directors and shit.
9:08: Life of Pi, man. I just keep thinking, “Fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamned tiger!”
9:11: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
—– Seriously, it’s this and the James Bond retrospective that is keeping me tuned in.
9:12: BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY. If Skyfall doesn’t win this, I’m going to go kill someone.
—– SON OF A BITCH. SKYFALL WAS MY FAVORITE MOVIE LAST YEAR. Who the fuck is that stoned Gandalf-wannabe taking the award for Life of Pi? I mean, he seriously looks like he just got off the bus from HippieVille. He must REEK of pot.
—– HE IS SO STONED RIGHT NOW!!!
9:15: This is such a shitshow. Holy shit, such a shitshow. I love how RDJ is all, “Screw it, let’s just get it done.” I love these men, but this show is awful.
—– Samuel L. Jackson: “I’m a superhero and I can’t get the damned envelope open.” LOVE HIM.
—– BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: What the fuck, Life of Pi, did you bribe people!? IT WAS THE AVENGER’S ONE AWARD.
9:17: ARE THEY PLAYING THE JAWS THEME SONG TO GET THE WINNERS OFF THE STAGE?! FOR LIFE OF PI?! WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS!
—– Keith Urban is embarrassed on your behalf.
9:20: Shit, I keep forgetting, I paused a bunch of times — I can fast-forward through the commercials!
9:23: BEST COSTUME DESIGN: The Hoop Skirt Rule continues with Anna Karenina.
9:24: BEST MAKEUP: When did they start looping “hairstyling” in with this category?
—– I would HOPE Les Miserables would win. I mean, look what they did to Anne Hathaway?
9:26: FIFTY YEARS OF JAMES BOND EVERYONE SHUT UP
—– WAIT. You’re honoring James Bond — AND DANIEL CRAIG ISN’T THERE!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK, ACADEMY?!
9:30: SHUT UP. THEY BROUGHT OUT SHIRLEY BASSEY. Holy shit shut up
—– You guys don’t understand! Goldfinger was my favorite movie for the longest time! I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Goldfinger and the song. This is amazing.
—- Also, Shirley Bassey’s still got it.
9:33: I am just going to end that by saying that I am TOTALLY watching Skyfall before I go to bed tonight, because what the fuck — WHY DON’T YOU ACTUALLY HAVE JAMES BOND THERE?!
9:36: Seeing Kerry Washington on stage just makes me want the next episode of Scandal RIGHT NOW. I’m not sure how or when I got completely addicted to that show, but honest-to-god, sometimes I find myself watching that before Vampire Diaries. It is good and HOT, TOO.
9:41: It’s hysterical to me that Liam Neeson is considered a ‘Modern American Superhero’ when he’s IRISH.
—– ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!! <– What I will be saying EVERY TIME someone mentions Argo.
—– “When the Levee Breaks.” One of the best songs in the rock and roll canon. Used brilliantly in the film, and I fucking love that song anyway.
9:42: Wait a sec — Joseph Gordon Levitt was in Lincoln?
9:46: Every time Seth MacFarlane’s on stage, I just get more and more awkward.
—– Ben. You could have come up with a better comeback than that.
—– Oh good, my beer’s still cold. Thank god for small miracles!
9:47: Lana? Lana. Lana?
9:49: ORCHESTRA. STOP PLAYING JAWS TO GET PEOPLE TO SHUT UP. IT’S NOT FUNNY,
9:53: Wow, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain present the BEST FOREIGN FILM award? That’s a step in the right direction! (I mean, Jennifer/Sydney Bristow’s been EVERYWHERE.)
—– IS THAT LE CHIFFRE IN THE DANISH FILM!?
—– Well DUH Amour is going to win Best Foreign Language Film. I mean, come on.
9:56: John Travolta?! He’s not dead?
9:58: TRAVOLTA: You do NOT pronounce the “les” in “Miserables.” It’s “LAY MIZ ER AHB.” Oy.
10:00: You gotta give it to her: Catherine Zeta-Jones could *maybe* give Bebe Neuwirth a run for her money. Maybe. Though probably Bebe would be able to take her in a brawl.
10:01: Dreamgirls. Or as it’s known in my house: Twitter break.
10:03: Damn. That didn’t take as long as I’d thought.
10:05: Look, I was never a big Les Miserables fanatic. I knew the story, I knew it was a big hit, but when I saw the movie, I had no idea that “Suddenly” wasn’t part of the original play.
—– And I didn’t think Russell Crowe was all that bad! Give him some slack everyone!
10:10: Oh man — I was hoping Seth MacFarlane would be saying “Benedict Cumberbatch” as one of the stars of Star Trek. SHERLOCK FOREVER
10:11: Oh, shit. They brought out a digital bear. Jesus Christ.
—– Boston Accents represent! o/
—– “I’m really good at sex. I can bring sodas and snacks and soap, and stuff! Please?” That should be my pick-up line from now on. And I can do the Boston accent, too!
10:14: … I just want Skyfall to win something, you guys! Honestly, I’m a little nervous about the song. Not about its awesomeness (it grows on you, especially after you’ve seen the movie and seen just what the song is about) — but I’m nervous that the Academy is just going to be a fucktard and fuck the movie over somehow. Like giving it to “Suddenly” from Les Miserables. And giving Best Picture to Les Miserables because they suck. Things like that.
10:17: WHOA. THERE’S A TIE AT THE OSCARS?! I mean, a statistical tie, not a bowtie … you know, forget it.
10:18: Who’s that dude in the audience?! He looked like Sean Connery from thirty years ago!
10:19: SKYFALL WAS THE OTHER WINNER IN THE TIE!!! YAY! I’M DOING THE KERMIT THE FROG FLAIL OF JOY RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE THEY BLEW IT UP, YOU GUYS! THEY BLEW THE CAR UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
—– Sorry. I have an unqualified attachment to that damn car.
10:21: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA You are NOT pulling the “Where did the Von Trapp Family Singers Go” prank on Christopher Plummer, are you? He’s going to kneecap you so hard … But very excellent attempt at being able to make that joke. Kudos.
—– Re: the only compliment you’ll get from me tonight: Your own words, actually.
10:23: What did I tell you, MacFarlane? YOU DON’T MESS WITH CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.
—– And now, we come to the Anne Hathaway Teary and Attempting to be Funny Joke Speech. MOAR BEER.
—– I think she did okay. Humble enough with just a touch of pride: “It came true!” That’s the new “You like me, you really like me!”
10:29: I HEARD THE RAIDERS THEME WHERE’S INDY
10:30: President’s Speech. Bored now.
10:32: Sandra Bullock just shooed Seth MacFarlane off the stage. Can we keep her?
—– BEST EDITING. If Argo doesn’t win this award, there’s an issue with the system. Seriously. That movie was tight.
—– ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!! \o/
10:35: SKYFALL YES EVERYONE SHUT UP
10:39: Seriously. I know there was some flack when it was initially released, but once you’ve seen the movie, you recognize just how perfect “Skyfall” is for the movie.
10:43: Nicole Kidman: you look AMAZING.
10:47: Harry Potter and Bella Swan together? FANDOMS ARE EXPLODING
—– Also, Kristen Stewart looks like she just climbed off of the Snow White and the Huntsman director, took a hit of *something,* and then said “Oh shit I’m supposed to present like right now!”
10:50: Normally you’d be correct, Seth MacFarlane, but in the past, they’ve used Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, and/or Selma Hayak to present the Foreign Film Award. But since you gave that to Garner and Chastain … looks like it’s the Governor’s Award.
10:53: I’m doing a quick tally in my head. The writing awards, acting awards, director, and picture — that’s all that’s left, right? Plus the death reel? OH JESUS AND I’M BACK ON LIVE TV This isn’t going to end until midnight, is it?
10:57: Wait a sec — they gave the Death Reel to the Cloonster? They’re not going to have someone singing over it? OH THANK GOD!!!
—– … I almost thought Ernest Borgnine was Emperor Palpatine. I feel like a jackass now.
—– KAREN FROM ALL ABOUT EVE DIED!!???! AWWWWWW……
—– NORA EPHRON. DEAR GOD, I didn’t forget, but it hit me again.
11:01: OH JESUS YOU DID NOT BRING OUT BABS TO SING “THE WAY WE WERE”
—– Insight Into Alaina: I do not associate this song with the movie. I associate this song with Gilda Radner and a worn-out recording of her standup my mother used to watch when I was little. She played this song on the piano and sang along. The performance was a goodbye to comedy, as she was undergoing treatment for cancer at the time. So while Babs is singing about Marvin Hamlisch, I’m sitting here crying more tears for genuinely funny lady Gilda Radner.
11:04: Also — and maybe this is the female comic writer in me — but I would have liked to see a little more tribute to Madame Ephron.
11:09: Is Renee Zellweger filming another Bridget Jones movie? Because she looks absolutely fantastic.
—– BEST FILM SCORE. I honestly don’t know. I mean, give it to Skyfall, because it’s the best movie, but y’know … whatever.
—– How many Chicago cast members does it take to open up an envelope? (It went to Life of Pi. Again, whatever.)
11:11: Make a wish! I WISH FOR THIS THING TO SPEED THE FUCK UP. Because I just realized that we haven’t even given the Best Song award yet! OH WAIT HERE IT IS
—– If this doesn’t go to “Skyfall,” I’m going to flip the table. Not even joking.
11:16: \o/ SKYYYYFFAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
—– And the winner for best speech goes to: Adele.
11:18: Seth just said that the Acting awards and the Best Picture awards are coming up. It’s like they don’t even want to award Best Director.
11:23: Writing Awards. This is the latest these have been presented, yes?
—– BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. I hope this goes to Argo, but who knows?
—– ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!!! That’s amazing!! I am getting better hopes!
—– Awwww!! Good Will Hunting shout-out!
11:26: BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY. Hmm… what was the — oh man, they’re not going to give it to Tarantino, are they? That would make him insufferable.
—– SHUT. UP. SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. TARANTINO WON?!?! SHUT UP.
—– Dammit. Now I’m going to *have* to watch Pulp Fiction, aren’t I?
—– I love that Tarantino is basically saying “I’M AWESOME” in his speech, isn’t he?
—– HE WALKED AWAY, AND THEN CAME BACK. I have to give Tarantino something – he’s got balls.
11:32: Also: Tarantino played McKenas Cole on Alias. Jennifer Garner was in Alias. So was Bradley Cooper. Jennifer Garner is married to Ben Affleck, who cast Victor Garber in Argo. Victor Garber was also on Alias. What I’m saying is, ALIAS WAS THE BEST FUCKING SHOW OF ALL TIME.
11:33: Best Director. Does anyone give a fuck? I mean, honestly.
—– WAIT. WHAT? ANG LEE WON FOR LIFE OF PI? How — I don’t —
—– This had better be like Brokeback Mountain/Crash again, okay? ARGO HAS TO WIN BEST PICTURE.
11:40: BEST ACTRESS. I … I don’t know, honestly. But the 9-year old (I’m not going to attempt to spell her name) is freaking adorable.
—– Oh! Bonus!Liev Schrieber!
—– OH MY GOD SHE SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP AND SAID THAT SHE VOLUNTEERED AS TRIBUTE
11:44: Jennifer Lawrence, Classy Broad: She just wished Emmanuelle a happy birthday. I mean, come on. That’s fantastic. Katniss Everdeen for the win!
11:48: I love Meryl Streep’s glasses.
—– Wait, did she even open the envelope? I mean, I’m not contesting, but I never saw her open the damn thing.
—– Congratulations, Daniel Day-Lewis! Someday I’ll watch one of your movies. You seem to be a funny guy.
11:51: Daniel, I like Bradley Cooper. But I don’t think he’s better than you. I mean, I went to see The A-Team. In theatres. I paid actual money to see that.
—– I know that this isn’t that, but I seem to be getting some strange Eve Harrington vibes from Daniel Day Lewis’s speech. I mean, he’s just praising everyone with a brief paragraph, just like Eve did when she won her Sarah Siddons Award.
11:53: JACK NICHOLSON!! That’s what the Oscars have been missing for years!
—– BEST PICTURE
—– Wait — Michelle Obama’s presenting Best Picture!? SHUT UP!
11:55: Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to finish writing this paragraph, and then I’m putting my laptop on the table to avoid dropping it. I’m rooting for Argo, and if it wins, I’m going to go fucking insane. If it loses, I may throw something. So … Caroline’s going to a safe place until the winner is announced.
12:02: I am so happy right now. I love that the Academy didn’t fuck Ben Affleck. I never thought I’d be so proud of Ben fucking Affleck. He won proudly, with emotion, clearly did not have a speech fully prepared, and was gracious. I just want to hug him.
—– And I did kind of want him to drop the Oscar and yell ARGO FUCK YOURSELF, but what are you gonna do.